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Topic : 12/28 What Would Robin Do?

Number of Replies: 216
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Created on : Thursday, October 12, 2006, 05:59:44 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/17/06) Dr. Phil’s better half weighs in on all your burning questions! Kasey says her husband, Nathan, controls all their money, even though she earns 40 percent of their income, and his controlling behavior is wreaking havoc on their marriage. She has to live on $20 a day, show him receipts for every cent spent, and she's not allowed to have access to their bank accounts. Nathan says his wife is lethal with cash and spends too frivolously. Robin shares what happened when Dr. Phil tried putting her on a budget! Then, Paul promised his wife, Linda, that a certain family tradition wouldn't take place at their wedding. Paul broke his promise and played the prank anyway. Eighteen years later, Linda says she still holds a grudge and feels like she can't trust him. Can Paul get her to forgive and forget? Next, Robin goes undercover and puts "the world's biggest doormat" to the test. Will this “people pleaser” learn to stand up for herself? And, Robin honors an inspirational woman. Join the discussion.

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October 13, 2006, 6:43 am CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

When are people in this society gonna realize that marriage is about a committment between 2 people who are loving, caring and trrusting of one another. Marriage takes communicationa nd getting along and on the same page to have a good, solid marriage. I thank God often that I am marriaed to a loving and caring guy who knows and believes that I, his wife has a big part in our marriage and it is not all about him (and vice versa), we are int his marriage together and when we need something form one anotehr, we approach it and we get it, The money in the bank belongs to both of us and I don't even bring in an income, bu you b et if I need something I am gonna get and i don't have to ask, I am not a child, nor am I beneath my husband, I am his mate, partnera nd we are int his together, and he is a wonderful father and knows that it is his place to help take care of the kiddos, we both said I do, not just one of us. Husbands, love and respect and honor your wives and treat her as a human being with dignity, you would be surprised on the pay back, and that goes the same for women, treat and honor one another and get off the high horse and stop acting like a father to your spouse and a selfish punk, your marru=iage will  defiently fall.

Of course, with out accountability and trust, it won't work either, be responsible in the marriage and use your brain and not do something stupid like over spending and taking one anotehr for granted, communicate and come up with an agreement that wll work for both of you and wives, you DON"T have to allow your husband to treat you like a doormat, you are adults and yes, you are aloud to have a checking/savings account, your paycheck has YOUR name on it, not his, therefore take yorself to the bank and start the account and I encourage this for those of you with a spouse who doesn't honor and respect you as his wife. The guy is manipulating and causing strife within your marriage if he is treating you as a no body and you don't have to take it.

Now, no one has to come on here and tell me any different because I know for a fact that my way works because I am in a happy and loving marriage going on 14 years and my husband treats me with love and dignity, and honors me and appreciates every good thing about me and vice versa, why? because we are spouses, not children, we are in this marriage together and we are here for life, giving our children the best examples of what a real and true relationship is about. other then a brother, I have the longest running marriage in my family, every one  else is divorced and unhappy, why? because of their selfish pride and the idea that they were either doormats or the husband thought he ruled every aspect of the woman, sorry guys, but a woman has her own mind and there is no reason for you to take it over and disrespect her. get over yourselves and treat with your wife like a spouse instead of a doormat, believe me, it is well worth the time and effort.
 
October 15, 2006, 6:07 am CDT

What is a partnership?

Hi! I wont be able to see this episode [work] but I do need to comment that any behavior such as that ascribed to Nathan is abusive, no question!

 

I work with Domestic Violence perpetrators in Australia [Batterers in the  US] and financial control is but one of the many strategies of power & control such men use in relationships. Kasey could benefit from counseling and perhaps advice on how to escape, before its too late.

 

As for Linda & Paul whatever the 'crime' Paul committed surely this needed to be dealt with then & there not left to fester for 18 years. I wonder whats really happening?  perhaps Robyn can help Linda to understand whats lies beneath.

 
October 15, 2006, 7:48 am CDT

she gets THAT much a day? Lucky her

I get NOTHING from my husband- well should say I get grocery money to buy food so I can cook for him each night, but as far as him paying "my bills"?

I dont work, not for the lack of trying to get work- I have applied for OVER 200 jobs in the past yr alone (yes I keep track), but that doesnt matter to the husband, he refuses to financially support me, never has, tells me never will.

I am basically the unpaid housekeeper, cook, laundress, yard worker, secretary, and sex slave to him, he has NO respect for what I do for him at all and doesnt SEE all I do for him either. I wish he would give me that whopping 20$ a day like the other women gets, at least that would help pay my bills (yes I have bills, and kids and grandkids that I have to get things for from time to time)

Look at it this way, you are still in alot better situation than I am. so count what blessings you do have.

I count mine as in having a place to live and food to eat, and that is better than what some people have.

I would like to count having a husband that supports me in all aspects of marriage, not just financially.

I keep praying for a miracle!

 
October 15, 2006, 8:01 am CDT

10/17 What Would Robin Do?

I just want to say to Linda, 18 years is a long time to hold a grudge. If she has felt she can't trust him, why has she stayed in the marriage? Marriage should be based on trust, honesty and commitment. She should have addressed this issue years ago. Why let something eat at you for so long?

Kasey needs to take control of her money. She is working to support her family and should be allowed to contribute on her standards not Nathan.  My husband and I have been together for 28 years and he has never asked me what I do with my paycheck. As long as the bills are paid equally, I can spend the remainder however I wish. When I have gotten into a bind and have gone to him for money, he never questions or belittles me. 

 
October 15, 2006, 9:57 am CDT

Money & Marriage

Hello, I just wanted to say that a marriage is a 50/50 partnership wether both spouses work or not. My husband and I have been married 17 years at times when I am not employed I still have acess to the bank account we never make major purchases without discussing it first but if i ever need something he has never denied me nor have i denied him. I think that as long as their smart enough to pay bills first that they should be able to spend a bit on themselves, but like myself I always stop to think is it something I really need or am i going to use it. A lot of people now a days were deprived as kids so now they think that because there working with an income that this is the time they can make up for being deprived but what they are really doing is spending unecessary and depriving their own families now to satisfy themselves. People should stop and think about how their spending is effecting their family as a whole, when your to greedy and make your family feel unappreciated you will end up losing them.
 
October 15, 2006, 10:30 am CDT

What would Robin do?.

 I guess we all know by now what Robin knew. I can't imagine Dr. Phil trying to put his wife on a budget in their earlir years together. I will have to miss this segment due to work, unfortunately. However, I am a big fan of Robin and try to hold onto everything she says. The fact that she spoke up, I am presuming that is what she did,  is a testement to how important it is for us women to create boundries early in our marriages. Unfortunately some of us still believe that men, as head of the household, should have the last word. I know I did. As a product of the fifties and the examples my parents gave me, I simply followed in their footsteps and modeled my own marriage after theirs. Perhaps if I had known better, I would not be devorced now, some 20 years later. I, unfortunately left after 20 years of marriage because the resentment built up to a breaking point. I didn't even stay around for the devorce papers to be signed. I was 1500 miles away. Big resentment. I don't blame anyone but myself, for the emotional abuse I put up with. Stuffing resentment and drinking were my answers to coping. Not worth it , folks. Not to keep a marriage together, even if for the sake of children ,whether you  are a wife or husband being controlled. There is help out there for anyone who has to be a doormat, just to cope, for the marriage sake.I weathered the storm of missing my kids, who are now grown, and being a devorced woman. I have a great relationship with them now. I even have a polite relationship with my ex. That I do for my children's sake. Have forgiven him, and myself, since I now know how much a part  I played in all of my own pain. Good luck to those of you who are, still playing  a part. There are no simple answers or solutions, I know., and I don't walk in your shoes. Be good to yhourselves folks.
From-- Lessons learned to late--
 
October 15, 2006, 10:44 am CDT

What would Robin do?

No way in hell would she stand for that.  What woman should.  Just reading that irates me.  If my husband ever tried that with me, I would show him where the door was.  Obviously, any man that would have that attitude, view women in a non favorable light.  Why stand for that.

 

Talk about going back to the dark ages. 

 

I'll stay single, thank you

 
October 15, 2006, 1:16 pm CDT

I can relate

Hi, after reading the issue on $ and having your husband "control" your spending etc. I found myself saying "can I relate".  Up until a few years ago I was the primary breadwinner as my husband's area of work just didn't pay well and he had severa times of being layed off.  He is a landscaper designer/gardener and where we live just doesn't value that type of work worthy of much $.  Anyways, I lost my job due to a post traumatic disability and therefore my salary was cut in half.  We both had trouble coming to grips with having to shave our spending to meet up with the cut in $ in our lifestyle.  Don't get me wrong, we were by no stretch of the imagination rich etc.   We got through with a little extra.  Now with the money being on the low side my husband came up with the idea of an allowance and having to write down everything I spend.  Now this book represents my "wants".  I feel he doesn't trust me and after over 25 years of marriage we were never in any serious financial trouble (maxing out credit cards or anything like tha).  I confronted him and he said he wanted to make sure that what I spent he would get the same amount.  I have always encouraged him to go out and buy himself things but he didn't and now he wants me to keep track along with himself just so he gets the same amount.  While writing this, it sounds so frivilous!  Down deep it eats at me and frankly I don't know what to do except go along with it to keep the peace.  Oh well, I know things could be worse.  I just wish he would trust me and appreciate that.
 
October 15, 2006, 4:33 pm CDT

what would robin do?

I have to say that i am married to a man that we do not pool our money together but we do split the bills down the middle.  I am a working mother with certain bill of my own such as

car insurance, medical bills for which I feel I am responsible for.  we both work hard for our

money and it seems to work out great.

 
October 15, 2006, 4:37 pm CDT

You need a plan

In a partnership you need openness and honesty, and that always includes finances. Whoever, manages the finances is doing that on behalf of the family not just themselves. To do that you need a plan, ie, what do you want to do with you joint income, how big a mortgage, how fast to pay it iff, holidays, long term savings, superannuation for both, cars and how often will they be replaced. From these lifestyle plans you can map out a budget, and find out if you can afford you plan, etc.

When we give our kids pocket money, as part of that process we start teaching them money management, saving for a toys, etc, however, we need to keep in mind that it is their money for their enjoyment not the parents. Likewise we need to allocate from our joint income and budget, pocket money (the same amount) for both parents, for them to spend or save exactly as they wish. So just as with the kids we buy, say, our sports magazine and hobby, save for family birthday presents, fags (or though I would rather not), etc.

Buy as little as possible for the family budget from cash, ie, use the credit card with automatic direct debit payment, that way all spending is transparent. Get a money mgt program on your PC like 'Quicken' and download your statements every month, so that you all see what is happening with your joint budget.

 
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