I was a widow for ten years and raised eight children to adulthood, or very close to adulthood during those ten years of widowhood. I have two surviving biological children, four children who I am legal guardian of and two step children, one who is an disabled adult and I her conservator. While I am far from perfect, I try to see the good in people and to give others the benefit of the doubt. I do not like to judge others, and try hard not to. Over a year ago I met a wonderful man and we are about to get married on November the sixth of this year. When we first got together his twenty seven year old daughter behaved as though she was thrilled for her father, wanted a friendship with me, and begin to refer to me as her child's grandmother immediately. She was constantly wanting to "help" me out, as I had moved to a new area far from my family and friends, where I had lived the past thirty five years. She is a single mother, works nights as a nurse, and her father had been providing full time childcare for his (our) grandchild from her birth. She is now nearly three and she has had me for a full time grandma this past year, with me helping in her childcare extensively. I came to love my fiance's daughter, she seemed like a sweet and very adorable young woman, and I really love my new grandchild. I give my heart fully without reservation, and if I get hurt then I get hurt, but if I don't love then life has been a waste.
Well, my fiance and I recently found to our profound shock that this lovely young woman has been plotting from the time I arrived her to "get rid of me". No, not to kill me (I hope!), but to get me to leave or if that failed to instill doubt to my character to her father so he would set me aside. At first we were very close and I know now she used that "closeness" to discover what she could about me, my life, my hopes, my dreams, and my fears. She then began to drop verbal "bombs" in the middle of a seemingly friendly conversation, and then would go on as if she had not said a word. I found out she was calling her father and telling him twisted versions of our conversations and lying about things I supposedly said and did. Due to our close relationship and open communication my fiance realized that what she said and what she did was not matching and she was the one who was behaving inconsistently. I also found out later on she has behaved deplorably while younger, betraying family members, and behaving in very selfish manners. Her father had hoped she had outgrown these behavior tendencies but was slowly realizing she was back to those behaviors. He still hoped that it was only due to her feeling left out or insecure and that as time went on she and I would find our footing together and she would see I was not attempting to separate her from him, but was actually trying to encourage their relationship to be even closer than before. It was a nice hope and one which caused him to not warn me he suspected ulterior motives on her part in befriending me, so I was at a disadvantage in my dealings with her. I am not angry with my fiance as I would have felt the same way if one of my own children were having difficulty in accepting my fiance in my life. However, as his daughter realized that her actions were not achieving the results she was seeking, that I would not be "run off" she upped the ante and began a series of very ill behaviors. She planted a recording device in our sofa while she was in our home as a trusted and valued visitor. She taped us in our private moments and then tried to use those conversations to show her father I was a "liar, a manipulator, and out to use him", quote unquote.
During all this her daughter and I formed a strong loving relationship. She spent half her time in our home and she was happy with us. Her mother has a problem setting boundaries and in providing consistent reliable discipline and so while with her mother she does not behave as she does when she is with us. With us she is a very well mannered and behaved child, does not throw fits or hit or kick us as she does with her mother. We had tried to help her see she needed to set firmer and more consistent boundaries and discipline, yet she refused to listen, instead accusing us of thinking she was a "bad" mother. As we had her half the week we strongly felt it important we all be on the same page with her, yet her mother pretended to do so and secretly did not follow through on things we all discussed and decided was the best course of action. Well, turns out she resented us for the fact we were better able to control our grandchild than she was. She was very angry with us for 'showing her up". She believed we just wanted to show her we were better parents than she was and put her down. We couldn't have been farther from that than the North Pole from the South Pole. We just wanted to ensure our grandchild who we were helping raise was as well adjusted and happy as possible. We had no idea for the longest time that her mother resented us so deeply. She would say how happy she was to have us help her with her child, that she would not have been able to keep her if not for her father stepping up and providing free childcare and how happy she was her father finally found happiness.
We found out that this young woman had thought she had "run off" the last woman her father had been dating. Due to this mistaken belief she felt empowered to do it again. It would not have mattered who the woman was and I try to remind myself of that every day, any woman would have been subjected to her animosity and cruelty. She wanted to keep her father single so she could inherit his estate at his death. It was all about his money. He is heartbroken and she has removed our grandchild from our care, refusing even to tell us who is caring for her. My fiance is the only male role model she has had in her short life and she lived with him half her entire life and then does not remember a time she did not have her Gamma in her life either. To subject her child to the loss of such important and integrated loving people in her life is a crime I just am having a difficult time forgiving her for. This little girl loves us and probably feels lost without us. I hurt to think of her grieving for us, missing us and not understanding why we are not there any more and why she does not come to our home, her home half the week.
I simply am having a difficult time assimilating how selfish and cruel this young woman is, how calculating, and how horrid her behavior has been. She does not care if her father is happy, she would prefer he be alone the rest of his life if it means more income for her at his passing. This is beyond selfish to me. He is a wonderful father, stayed married to his ex for twenty years longer than he would have chosen. Just when he realized what a mistake he had made and was getting ready to tell her he wanted a divorce she announced her pregnancy and he knew then he would not be getting a divorce as he would not be a "weekend warrior" father and not a day to day influence in their growing years. So, as he knew he would be married to this woman at least twenty years as he knew any other children he would have in his life would have to be with her. So, they had two more children, a son and a second daughter. The one under discussion is his second daughter and middle child. My fiance is a mild mannered man, not one who is prone to fighting or augments. He was subjected to twenty years of a loveless marriage and seven years after the divorce his ex, though remarried, is still actively bitter and vindictive. He wanted a civil relationship but she and her parents refuse to allow it. He is not perfect and made his own mistakes and takes his own responsibility and takes them seriously. While some would say you should not stay married for the sake of the children, there are times when you should. If there is not active abuse, just a lack of love on the part of his wife, he strongly felt he helped create the children and so he should be a full time father not a part time father. He put the needs of his children before his own. He was not an unhappy man, he had his children, he just wishes his ex was able to love. Some people are wounded and so do not have a strong capacity for love and just don't know how to be loving or unselfish. He tried hard to make things work and only gave up two years prior to the divorce. I admire him for this and am so pleased to be able to love him as deeply as I do and offer him the love he missed out on all those years.
I fail to understand any person claiming to love somebody wishing that person harm, to try to ruin his relationship simply so she can inherit a larger portion. She kept going on about him spending his money on me, yet we tried to explain to her I have my own money and we spend it on each other, as couples do.
All this is so sad and heartbreaking, especially for our grandchild. Thank goodness the State we live in has grandparent rights. Our grandchild should not have to suffer the loss of two deeply committed and loving grandparents simply because her mother has emotional problems. She needs us and as her mother is the one who initiated my becoming her child's grandmother we fully intend to ensure this young child is not scarred by our loss. We hope the courts will impose counseling so we can perhaps get past this ugliness. Sometimes courts do good work and in this case protecting a child's best interests is a good thing. We hate that it has to be this way, but we are darn sure not going to allow an innocent child to suffer such a major loss and to have major separation and abandonment issues.
I truly wish we could all just get along and be happy for those we love when a chance for a happy marriage comes about, instead of fussing and worrying over money. I know wishes are a dime a dozen, but I sincerely wish this young woman had been honest in her offer of friendship. We could have had a great relationship and her child would have also benefited as well. This is just so sad and horrid.
(Original Air Date: 10/18/06) We've all heard of in-laws who don't get along, but these guests say their problems have reached a life-threatening level. Keri and her mother-in-law, Patti, have been fighting for nine years. Patti admits that she's never liked Keri and calls her names, but she says Keri pushes her to the breaking point. Brian, Keri's husband and Patti's son, says he has been caught in the middle but is ready to take a side. Will Patti see how she contributes to the chaos and learn to change her ways, or is Keri really to blame for what's been going on? Then, Chris says his mother-in-law, Cathy, tried to run him down with her SUV. Cathy says she lost control of her car. Chris has filed charges against Cathy. Was this the right thing to do? And, what's happened to Cathy since Dr. Phil producers spoke to her? Could something more serious be causing her allegedly erratic behavior? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
