Topic : Ready for Marriage?

My cousin is with a man 45, she is 26. They are happier then pigs in you know. Our family was concerned but they have been together six years now, and as far as I am concerned, if they are happy then more power too them. Life is way too short to worry about age after your of legal concent. I also have a friend dateing a guy two months older then her daughter. It was hard for her at first, but she sees the bigger picture now too. My cousins mans has a son three months older then her and he's accepted her too.  

Don't let everyones elses misgivings ruin your chance at happpiness. You only get to go around once in life and god doesn't say when your soul mate or potential partner was going to be born. They are out there, older, younger, or same age. Happiness is happiness where ever you find it. 

Hi Everyone, 

I was just wondering about a jealousy issue that I have seemed to gained.  I've been in a relationship with a guy for 3 1/2 years, most of it being long distance (only about 4 hours).  We see each other every couple of weekends.  Sometimes it's rocky and it's on again off again a lot lately (within the last year).  Well, it seems during this on again off again stuff, that I grow more jealous each time and I can't help it and I don't know what to do about it.  I've never been jealous.  I'm your typical middle child of three boys (I am the only girl), so I am used to sharing attention and all of that.  My mate has never given me a reason to think he's cheating, but I can't help but see him look at other girls or flirt and he has this thing in his room since he was a kid where everyone signs his wall........well, you can imagine I've been studying it like crazy lately.  I study it and get very angry if I even think there is a new female's name on it.  The jealousy seems to be consuming me.  I don't know why I am jealous, I'm comfortable with myself and since we've been apart before I'm comfortable with knowing that I can make it on my own.  We've been fighting about it a lot lately.  My mom had several affairs while my parents WERE married and still continues to date only men who are married.  Maybe this is the issue.  Anyways, I really need help.  I'm terrified if it doesn't stop I will ruin our relationship.....as b/f-g/f as well as best friends.  We're starting to discuss marriage, but before we make anything permanent I want to make sure this is stiffled.  Can anyone tell me why I could possibly be getting jealous and how to stop it??   

Please, desperate for help, 

tif 

Hi Everyone,   

I have been with my boyfriend now for nearly 2 years. When we first started to date, he was a pretty wild daredevil type of guy. Nevertheless, after about 3 months I found out from a friend of his that he told him that I was the person who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and that he wants to marry me. When I heard this, I was a little astounded, but also quite intrigued. I never would have thought it after the millions of girls he has dated that he wanted to be with me. He (to this date) has been my first boyfriend. So as the time went on, I kept thinking about what I had heard and we started to speak about it openly. One of my best friends got engaged just a month ago and I started to think of when we were going to get engaged. At the start he told me - yes definately next year...he even bought a pre-engagement ring about $500 for me. Then to my astonishment, a few days ago he completely 'backtracked'. He told me I was pressuring him and that he will not be ready to commit now in 'who knows' how many years  

???? What has happened...did I do something wrong by getting excited about the future? Have I really pressured him and how??? So presently, we no longer discuss weddings, engagements etc, as I am scared of 'scaring or pressuring him'. I even find it extremely hard to wear the 'pre-engagement ring he got me'. I feel disheartended, confused, upset, disappointed and very let-down and I don't really understand why. We have not broken up and we will still get married in a few years, but what should I do and say atm???  

PLEASE HELP!!!!  

Thanks for the reply. It is definately good to get some perspective. See the problem is a little bigger than I had first stated. We were only dating for about 6 months when his entire family moved to Queensland. At that time we both had to decide whether we wanted to continue or end our relationship. He decided to stay down in Melbourne with me and my family. As he didn't have any job etc. he was only initially going to live with us for a while until he got enough money to move out, but now we have been dating nearly 2 years and he is studying etc. and still does not have enough money to move out...When he decided to stay down, he could not defer or transfer his course for some reason..... so he left all his family and dropped his course to be here with me. I do not at any second doubt that he does not love me - I mean how much more could he have sacrificed....I don't know if I could have done the same after only having known someone for 6 months....  

Still I am nearly finished with studying and will definately try to focus on what I have to do. I guess I will just ahve to wait and see what happens, but I am going to hand him back the ring (for the moment anyways).   

Thankx again for the advice.   

I wrote on here awhile back that I would not allow my guy to move back to my place  the last time he wanted to.  He does this frequently moves back to his place for whatever reason (sometimes his anger) and sometimes I just have no idea what is going on in his head, he'll be gone a day or whatever he chooses sometimes weeks at a time.  He got upset that the last time I would not let him move back in as it is to hard on me. 

Well now I am totally confused have no idea where we are at, dating a couple?  He says were dating and if I want more I have to be the one and I also have to be the one to go visit him as he is uncomfortable at my place now I've changed it I'm doing stuff on my own and from what I interrupted he doesn't like that. 

He says he has changed alot since being with his exwife, back then she did everything for him and he didn't have to do anything, he says I don't do that and he doesn't expect me to but I believe he really does as he is a very selfish spoiled man (retired 59 year old man) 

I am not as upset over all this as I was.  I don't know what to do he pretty much does what he wants when he wants and doesn't pass much by me.  I wonder if I should do that too, what do I owe him if were only dating as he says.  I almost feel like dating others and wonder do I need to let him know this. I'm afraid if I do it will for sure be over for us, but maybe he needs to date and be totally on his own and I do too, if it's meant to be it will be.  If it does end I know it will break my heart but I don't want it this way either. 

Any ideas or thoughts would be helpful.  Thanks 

By the way I am 52 so alittle younger then him. 

I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years now. We are both divorced and he has a 5 year old son. His ex-wife has primary custody of the boy and is really hard to deal with. She plays a lot of games and has made my BF's life stressful because she will not put the child first and is always trying to cause a battle. My BF does the best he can to not play into her games and psychotic attitude and does a great job raising his son during the limited time he has him.  

From the begining of our relationship we agreed that it was not wise for me to get very involved with his son until things were more serious between us. His son has already been through one divorce and we didn't think it was wise to bring me into a relationship with the kid unless we had a good relationship ourselves. After dating about 6 months, I was slowly introduced to being around the child and now we get along really well and the three of us do things together regularly.  

Both my BF and I own our own homes and he is currently in the process of general contracting and building a new home for himself and his son. He has kept me very involved in the process asking for my advice for everything from the initial desigh to paint colors, floors, appliances, etc.. Everybody I know including some of his friends ask me if I'm moving in. Some of the subcontractors have even treated me as if I would be living there explaining detailed information about what they were doing as if I would need to know it.  The building process has been going on for about a year now and it's definately taken a toll on our relationship as he is completely consumed with the house. It SHOULD be done...or at least done enough in a month or so and he can move in. Then of course he has to sell his current house.  

Although I have brought it up a few times in the last year, I have no idea where my BF plans to take our relationship in the future. He says he hasn't thought about it because he's been to preoccupied.  I know that because of the poor situation with his ex-wife and him not having more custody of his son, he is afraid of ever having to deal with that again. While I can respect his fear (I was divorced to and it was a horrible experience but I'm on good terms with my ex and still really close to his family), I feel that my BF may drag things on forever because of his past marriage experience. I don't want to be pushy or demanding or risk losing him, but I have been very patient throughout the whole house building process and I'm wondering how long do I be patient and understanding?  I had decided a few months ago that I would give things until after the house was done and he was moved in and settled and then see how things are with the relationship. I would like to have a child of my own and don't want to wait forever before he decided he's willing to commit further to our relationship.   

Since I own my own home, I would be unwilling to sell it just to simply move in with him....if he ever were to actually think about it and ask me. I want the full marriage commitment and a prenup. before I overturn my life and belongings.    

SO, my questions are these:  Am I being too patient and letting him take advantage of me?  If not, how long is it reasonable for me to wait it out before pushing him further or moving on?  How can I discuss our future with him without scaring him away or making him clam up? He's not a very good talker or good at expressing himself and tends to get all toungue tied when I bring up more serious issues or things that are bothering me.  It took him 4 years before he married his first wife and I've already told him that I don't want to wait 4 years for him to make a decision with me.  

HELP!  I love him and his son, but don't want to be wasting my life with someone who may never commit.  

Thanks!!  

Hello, I just read your post.  I don't think you're being 'too patient' or that he is taking advantage of you.  But, you do deserve for him to be honest with you, and he should talk to you.  So, perhaps you can pick a time when he's not stressed, and you and  him go out for a nice dinner.  Or, perhaps you make him dinner at your place.  Whatever you think he's most comfortable.  Try and tell him your feelings, and don't pressure him.  Tell him you want to have children before you get too old, and ask him how he feels about that.  He probably having a problem with commitments, because of his previous marriage and alll the problems he has now with his ex.  Can't really blame him.  1 1/2 yrs. IS enough time to know where the relationship is heading.  I guess the trick is, how to approach him without scaring him.  Just try your best to set a relaxing atmosphere, and just be calm and non-treatening when you speak.  I think once you start, you're going to know where his head is in the subject.  THEN you're going to either have a decision to make (depending if it doesn't go well) OR perhaps you just pull back for awhile.  Don't be available for him.  Talk and see him, but TRY and keep yourself busy (without  him).  Doesn't mean you have to date others.  See what happens then.  I wouldn't sell my house either.  It took him 4 yrs. to propose to his first wife, that should tell you something.  It may even be longer, since he's already going through stuff from that marriage.  So, be prepared.  What's best for YOU right now,  is to have that talk with him about your feelings.  DON'T put it off.  So, many women find that yrs. down the road, and they're still at the same place.  Then, they have to let go, and all those yrs. for what???  I know for me, I waited a total of 9 yrs...first time around, 6 yrs., then I (stupidly) went back for 3 more...thinking he changed...He was MORE afraid of the commitment, then losing me...So, don't make the same mistake, because you're more afraid of losing him...start preparing yourself now...have that talk, then if it doesn't go well, you know what you HAVE TO DO...start by making yourself unavailable, get busy in your life...see what his reactions are...IF it doesn't seem to matter to him, then you'll have your answers.  Then, I would break-up.  Our lives are too short, to be wasting it on someone that doesn't want the same things we want in life... 

Hope this helps, let us know how things turn out 

more thoughts...(for me) I wouldn't live with a man.  I know a lot of people do, and it just depends on the person and situation.  There's nothing wrong with it.  I can see  how it could be beneficial, to see how each other gets along, etc.  but, seems to me that can be accomplished just by dating.  Spending weekends away, vacations, and also spending weekends at one another's houses.  But, one doesn't have to officially live together, to know how one feels about one another.  This is just my opinion.  Definitely in your situation, I wouldn't...IF a man can't even TALK about marriage, children, etc...living together, I feel is VERY serious...it's like your married , but without the piece of paper.  Then, why  even be that committed when one can't even talk of marriage, future goals, children, etc.