Topic : Ready for Marriage?

I will do my best to sum this up quickly :). I am 22, my"fiance" is 20. you will understand the quotes quite soon. At first my boyfriends parents seem to like me, well at least to my face. When they found out there son wasn't a virgin anymore (wasn't my doing...but they think it was), they started being a little less nice to me. Then my boyfriend started looking at new colleges to go to. He found on in Florida, and since he lived in Texas, his parents weren't happy, but supported him anyway. During lunch before he left for florida, his mother told him, "Well, now you can find some cute computer girl while you are down there." This is after my boyfriend and I have been together at this point for 9 months. This whole time, my boyfriend and I decided I was going to move down to Florida with him to help support him. Fearing his parents would freak out, he told me not to tell them. So I moved, they found out and told me, "You will be too much of a distraction, leave or we will stop paying for his education." I was ready to leave, not wanting to come between his parents or his education...but he told me, "If you leave I am going to follow you, I love you too much to stay here without you." I stayed and we lied. I hated living this lie..it was horrible. I am a very honest person although this sure doesnt' make it seem like.....anyway. They found out again, and said as long as I didn't live in the same apartment as him they could compromise. Well some stuff happened at his school, and now hes decided to go to another school, this time in Arizona. His mother told him that he can't keep his options open if he is only dating one person (now we have been together a year and half at this point). She asked him if we are engaged, he said no. (athough he proposed to me last year, which was a bit early I admit). He has told her he wants to marry me...but not that we are engaged. When she spoke of the options, he didn't tell her he didn't want options. He didn't correct her when she thought I took his virginity. And to top it all off, he told her that he had no idea I was comming to Florida. I feel like I am a big secret and a big lie. He said he wants to get married after he graduates, but I feel like he will say anything because I do everything for him. I cook for him, I clean for him, i do everything, and don't get me wrong I don't mind...I just feel like sometimes i am being used....and maybe this relationship is out of comfort. But I love him and I know hes the one...but what do I do about his parents?!?!?!?!     (sigh)

 Hi,

That must be hard to feel like you have to hide things from his parents. His mother sounds a bit too involved in his love life, but perhaps they are just concerned with him getting an education first before he settles down, after all he is only 20.  I would be offended by his mother as well, however maybe her opinion will change if you wait awhile to get married. I am only 26 and so much has changed for me since my college days. It sounds like you resent that you do "everything" for him, and you should. If he is a grown man, there is no reason you should have to act like his mother. If he is the one, then there is no rush. His mother's overinvolvement in your relationship sounds like a red flag to me. Why shold she even have to know about his virginity? That is so personal. With you and your boyfriend in Arizona, away from his parents, this will give you more time to work on your issues and keep your distance from his parents. It sounds like your boyfriend is on your side from what I can tell. Hang in there.

Thanks for your help. We don't plan on getting married until after he graduates ;) I know how important education is. I even told him if he wants he can date other people, only for fear he will feel like he is miss out on something...he is only 20...and I am only 22. :) She's not really all the involved, but she offers her advice..."keeping his dating options open" when we move...   Thanks

Hi,

 

I am in a similar situation myself.  I was married for 23 years to a wonderful man.  He died ten years ago.  I have been in a relationship with a divorced man for the past four years.  He too does not speak of a future. When I bring the subject up, he doesn't answer or changes the subject.   In all reality, there is no future.  You shouldn't have to ask for a commitment.  If a man wants a future with you, he will pursue it.  We respect each other and all I see in our future is companionship. 

 

Take time for yourself and ask yourself this question, "Do I really want a future with someone that I have to pressure to be with me?"  Don't pressure him, it will only make him more of a commitment phobic.  Listen to that little voice inside of you--it has all the answers.

 

 

 I posted a message not to far back about a dilemma, its by (peaceofmind)....if anyone has any thoughts I'd be interested in hearing them, thanks...

I have been in this same situation.  My boyfriend was addicted to porn..he said he never saw it as an addiction until it was brought to his attention the amount he was looking at...he would go into work late to look at it...there were hundreds of sites that I found on accident when I clicked on the computer history to find the shortcut to a site I had visited the day before when I stopped at his house.  I was also abused when I was little, by my older sisters husband...he can change...he can stop...if he wants to.  Have you tried explaining to him why you are over sensitive to the subject?  Is he missing work or getting more turned on by the porn then by you?  I am not saying any of this to hurt you at all, but there are support groups out there...and great people that are part of them and it helped us as a couple and as indivuduals to move on and get over it...make him accountable for his actions..and if you have a serious issue with this as I did, then YOU have to make the decision as to whether you can live the rest of your life with this problem...if not then trust me, it is better to find out now and nurse your broken heart now then in ten years while trying to nurse your kids' hearts as well since chances are not only with they never understand, they will never know of the problem.  I was also begged to stay...to the point when I refused he ripped the computer off the desk and threw it on the floor.  That was well over a year ago...I am still with him...I still wonder every single day of my life if today is the day he will slip and spiral out...The only reason I am still with him is because he is making an awesome effort to beat it, he even agreed to let me put a spyware program on his computer so only I knew the password and could follow up on him...he has no idea that I uninstalled the program about four months ago and am building trust again by giving him his space, although I still check the history and stuff like that.  Some men have no idea how damaging porn can be to a relationship and to some women in general.  I am not ugly, but it makes me feel inferior to those airbrushed, silicone filled, barbie doll wannabe's since I will never be able to be like them.  But I also take comfort in the fact that those women are doing what they do because they feel inferior to naturally beautiful women like us and the only way to get what they want...is to basically sell their bodies to make them feel worth something.  The difference...is in 20 years I will still be beautiful...and they won't...they'll just be used....if you would like to talk more (it helps if you have someone to talk to that understands) you can email me at kauai_lvr@yahoo.com.. sorry tried to put alot of stuff in a little post...but I am sure you will understand..

I really need help on this.  My friend just met a guy and she's says she's fallin in love and thinks he's the one.  she says they have talked about moving in together.  My boyfriend and I just met this man last night.  OMG!  this guy is such a schister!  She tells me things he tell her when they are together and then when we are alone witht his guy he says a different story.  She says he always pays for her and she love it.  When he was talking to my boyfriend, he was saying how she can take care of herself if she wants something.  We had ppl over for drinks and dinner and when my friend and her boyfriend showed up, he goes in to grab a beer. He comes out and complains about the brand and askes my boyfriend to go to the store to buy the brand he likes.  He says the right things to my friend, but my boyfriend and I can tell he's just saying that and he's in it for the wrong reasons.  She asked us what we thought about him.  She's so excited and is happy, but she is nieve witht his one.  How do i tell her?  Do i be honest and tell her what he was saying to my boyfriend when she wasn't there? or Do i support her and let her make her own mistakes? I don't want to hurt her. I want her to be happy and right now she's happy and thinks this guy is the best for her.  I'm not there when they talk alone.  Please any advice will help.

Umm...okay...where to start on this...I am going to start with the basics...I understand that you love him...but if he can't stand up to his mommy??  How can you figure he will someday decide to become a real man?  I (along with the porn issue) dealt with this as well...only child who is momma's boy...he's a soothe sayer...he will say anything to anyone to keep things smooth...tell him you will not be going to arizona with him, he will have to learn how to work the stove and vaccuum himself, and you are checking out and looking for a real man who can stick up for the woman he supposedly loves....from what you are saying here, and consider you are the only one who knows the whole story..he does not respect you, and probably never will as long as you keep up the facade of doormat with "welcome please wipe the dog poo off your shoes here" written on your forehead...after graduation I bet you hear I can't get married now I need to find a good job...then when he finds a good job you will hear he can't get married then because he needs to have all his bills paid off...it will only end when you find him in bed with someone else and he will say...I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you....Honey it's time to move out and move on...if you are in college...and a good sized one for that matter you are surrounded by plenty of men...take your pick and find a real one...sorry to be so blunt but guys like this irritate me like you wouldn't believe...what ever happened to the guys who would break someone's nose for saying something wrong to a woman?  Or open up doors and bring flowers home?  It doesnt' take much guys..at all...ten minutes a day and you could have the relationship all of your friends and family will envy...

When i first started dating my boyfriend I saw that he has a porn collection.  He has been single for a while, and i understood that.  I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and right away he threw it all out. He said he didn't need it cuz he has me and that was only when he was single.  There has been nothing of the sort since.  If your fiance loves you and knows how much it hurts you, especially from your past, he would stop and get rid of it immediately.  No questions asked! You should be all he needs for sex.  I can see if you are into porn that you guys have a collection together, however clearly you are against it and he needs to respect that.  If he lied about it already what's to say other things won't be lied about when you are married?  I know you love him very much and it's difficult.  I wish you the best of luck.  I just know that if a man really wants to be w/ you, he will do what makes you happy.  As you would do for him.