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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Number of Replies: 960
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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November 13, 2005, 7:21 am CST

Give him a gift!!

Quote From: lappacat

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 9 month now and we have been known each other for 13 month. We both have kids. He has an 11 year old boy and I have a 9 year old girl. The thing is that now I am ready to move on to another step - get married. But I think he is never going to marry me. Why? I think I even know why! He is a very wealthy guy and he is just afraid for his money. I tried to talk to him to see what is going to happen to us in the future, because I want to know what his plans are and his responce was: "I just want us to be happy". But I am not happy. I tried to tell him that but he does not want to listen. I work and make very little money. I live in his house. He has his own money I have my own. He has all the benefits from us living together: he has a lover and a cook and a cleaning leady (Me) and what do I have? I just have to watch him spending lots of money on his son and me not been able to afford to take my daughter anywere. I feel so poor next to him, I feel like he can throw me out of his house any time he wants to. I spend alot of my money on the food for the whole family. Here's what I would like: I would like to marry him and I don't even mind signing a prenup where He would keep whatever he had before marriage and can give it to his son or whatever he wants to do with it in case of his death or in case of anything else. And he would never have to pay alimony in case of a divorce. But I want to have a joint bank account where he would put all the money he makes and I would put all the money I make (and I make ALOT less than he does I know that) in together so that we could be in charge of it together and so that I don't have to feel that poor and insecure next to him like I do know. I am very depressed....I would kill myself if I did not have my daughter that's how bad I feel. I feel like a failurer like a bad mother like a bad girlfriend like a looser. I see no bright future. I wish me and my boyfriend could talk........So we could come to some kind of agreement on how we are going to live together. He is happy and he does not want to change anything. He does not want to listen to me because he is afraid to hear what he does not want to hear. I don't even have a medical insurance because I can't afford it. He knows it but never offered help. He spends $800.00 a month just on the games with his son and does not want to help me out with the medical insurance and I will never ask for his help. What should I do? Am I just a bad woman? Do I just want to much? Please help me!!!!!!!

Here was my situation briefly: After living with a man for 10.5 years in a happy relationship, where marraige came up once in awhile, I caught him cheating. In his defence he justified the cheating because we were not married.  I gave him 2 chances too many to change his behavoir and ended up walking.  I have never been happier.   

  

Since then I have asked him if we were married would it have made a difference.  He said yes, because he would have felt more secure.  I didn't feel any less secure not being married, nor did I feel that we were less committed to each other. I will never ever really know - who can trust a liar and a cheater. 

  

It makes sense to me to live together.  It is like a trial run, you can see if you are compatible living with one another, expenses are cheaper, blah, blah, blah. But, (and no that doesn't mean disregard everything I just said, it means - on the other hand) men seem to have a different perspective on the cohabitational relationship.  It's  like a freebee for them.  All the benefits of having a wife without the commitment. 

  

I will never live with man again.  Now back to you (this message board sucks, I don't remember who the poster was).  Often times we don't know what we can do because we don't know what we can do.  It is great that you have reached out for advice so you can see what some other options are.  

  

Of course he is happy!! You both think he has all the power and you are buying into it!! You sooooooo deserve better than that.  You need someone who appreciates you.  Why not start with yourself?  Find your self-worth.  Stop all of the "I'm a failure", "I'm a bad mom" , "I'm a bad woman", "I want to much" tapes and replace them with "I am worthy", "I'm an awesome mother", "I am a great woman", "I deserve more and I will get it!!".  I know exactly how much strength you can get from your children.  We all feel or have felt, while going through a crisis, if we didn't have this person or that person we would die.  The reality is we all have an inner strength and it comes when we are our own best-friends.   

  

Now, since you do have your daughter you can pull that into the picture and draw upon that strength, until you discover your own self-worth.  Do you want her to grow up thinking she needs a man to survive? Do you want her to see how you have to be disrespected in order to live? No, no, no... that is not what you want her to learn. 

  

There is no doubt in my mind that you are worthy of this man's love, and attention.  I don't think he is worthy of you giving him another thought.  Obviously, you entered into this arrangement thinking it was some type of partnership.  So, get a plan together.  Plan A, and Plan B.  Run them simultaeneously.   

  

Plan A could be you try to renogotiate what the relationship is.  Start by what he thought it was when you moved in and what you thought it meant when you moved in.  What you both think it is now and where you both want it to go, and come to some compromise. You must do this with confidence.  Pretend like you are a actress if you have to.  Say things like as if you were selecting a flavor of ice-cream, not like your daughter's life depends on it - because it doesn't.  And keep things in about a 20 minute time frame.  The goal is that he sees that you are worthy of a partnership, you have self-respect, and he is in training to treat you the way you deserve to be treated... Like the queen you are!! 

  

Plan B (in my opinion) should be you preparing to walk.  Where can you and your daughter go? Are there family or friends that will help you out?  Take inventory.  How much money do you need to save for another place to live? What kinds of programs are there in your area to help you? Maybe a church or other organization.  Stop providing extras in the current household and don't be guilted into spending your money on the household. Your contribution is all the other stuff you do.   

  

1. You are number One.  Take care of yourself!! Eat right, exercise, look nice. 

2. Be happy about it.  This will free you of a lot of stress. This is a happy time -  you get what you want or you go and get what you want. People like to be around happy people. 

3. Don't need him - really you don't need someone that is selfish and makes you feel like a looser.  No one has the right to make you feel bad!! Seriously, there is not one person that should have that much power over you.  He's taking advantage. 

4. Tell him what you prefer... I prefer to stay here and be your mate, but if you want me to move out I understand.  Like I prefer to have vanilla ice-cream, but if all you have is chocolate that's fine.  I would like to give my self to you but if you would like the gift of missing me that's fine too. 

  

Hugs, 

Kindle 

  

  

  

 
November 13, 2005, 7:57 am CST

Good Job

Quote From: angela3376

My husbands best friends are my best fiends they are great guys. They are brothers one is single one has been in a relationship for over 10 years. He is very worried about his relationship with his girlfriend, she went away to visit her sister for a week and when she came back she had lots of questions for him. Where do you see yourself in 3 years? My parents want to know what are your intentions. Would you be responsible with money? Her parents don't want her to live with him before marriage. He is 28 and he said he would like to be married before he turns 30. Her parents and her would like him to start going to church he said he would like to but for her not for her mom and dad. Now the problem is they both still live at home with there parents, I think her parents are pressuring  to either move on or start thinking about plans for marriage but they want him to join there church. Growing up he didn't go to church very much, but he is willing to go for her. He said he didn't want to tell her that because she is trying to decide if she wants to move on without him or stay with him. He was willing to buy her a ring but she said she would say no right now  because he would be doing it since she is bringing everything up now. Same thing with the church issue he is willing but he doesn't want to say anything because she would think it was because she brought it up. She also said they never do anything different. I told him they are in a rut. Take her someplace new. he does and she just gets mad and says he is just doing it because of everything.  He doesn't know what to say or do to him it's just a waiting game he loves her and doesn't want her to brake up with him. We talked for hours about it and I just listened I was at a loss for words. I don't know what to say. She also asked him if he wondered what it would be like to be with someone else, he said sometimes but he would never want to be with anyone else. When he asks to talk about everything she gets mad at him. He wants to know if he should sit and wait for her to make up her mind or should he tell her to call him when she makes up her mind. What do you think of this?

I think it is for them to work out.  You are doing a great job by not seeming to take sides.  I think that is that the best place for you. You should just listen and be supportive.  Maybe they should ask the church for advice, or some sort of pre-marriage counseling? It is obvious by your post that men and women communicate differently and that they need to understand those differences and work this out together. 

  

 
November 13, 2005, 8:07 am CST

Age Difference

Quote From: raywebb22

  I am a 22 year old white female and I have been dating my boyfriend for around 2 years.  I love him with all of my heart and our goals in life are one in the same.  I have had a lot of life experience for the age of 22 and I know myself very well.  So let me get down to my question.
        Kevin is 34 years old and a very hard working man.  He is a wonderful Christian man that wants to be my husband and also a father to "our children" one day.  We enjoy each others company tremendously and spend all our free time together usually doing outdoor sports.  At first we were just casually dating that eventually turned into head over hills love.  I want to marry the man of my dreams very soon!  My family thinks he's a good guy but he's too old so that makes him "just not the one for me."  I want to just go with my heart because I feel God sent him to me.
       He and I both know that most marriages these days end in divorce.  But both of us are pretty traditional and know we can make it work with lots of dedication.  Do you guys and gals think I am going to be making a mistake considering the age difference. Thanks again and I am looking forward to you guys response.


I don't think there is any problem with an age difference.  The biggest thing is to realize that there is an age difference, he has lived a little longer and has more experience.  That should be recognized when making decisions. You are younger and may or may not be as mature or responsible as he is.  I am not saying you are or aren't, and it shouldn't make that big of a difference.  If this is what you both want then I say go for it!! I don't think age should stand in your way. 

  

Hugs, 

Kindle 

 
November 15, 2005, 7:59 am CST

Dating a man with a young child

Help! I'm wondering if any of you out there have this problem.... I am dating a guy with a 5 year old.  I am completely in love with this guy and we have talked about marriage.  But, when visitation time comes - I can not be in the picture. (My boyfriend has to be with his son without me there).  He says that it's because they don't have that much time together and he feels like he needs to spend it with just him.  Although, there are times that he is with his son around his family (mom and dad, sister, nieces and nephews) - still I'm not invited.  I have tried talking with him about it and to suggest that we spend time with his son around his family so that his son will get use to me and we can build a relationship also... after all, if we are going to get married I will have to have a relationship with his son!  He has said to me that his son does not want to be around me and that he's not going to make him do something he doesn't want to do whether I like it or not.  Oh Lord!  Will this get any better?  Anybody with suggestions? 
 
November 15, 2005, 12:39 pm CST

Marriage question is destroying relationship

I am 26 and have been in a committed relationship with my BF for the past 7 years. We have been living together for the past 5 years. For the most part our lives look very similar to the lives of our married friends (we own a home together, we manage household together etc) but we are *just* friends. Within the past couple of years especially over the past year, that has really statred to bother me. It really irks me when I am introduced at social and work functions as a GF mostly because of the questions that follow (how long have you been together; when are you getting married etc). I doubt that people would be so nosey (and in some cases judgemental) if we were married. I also have just come to resent the social associations that come from the GF/BF label - essentially I don't like being on the same level as kids in highschool. THe truth is that people just don't seem to respect a relationship until marriage occurs. I'm sick of going to weddings (where the bride and groom have only known each other a year or so and are planning on moving out of their parents house when they get back from the honeymoon) and being expected to try to catch the bridal bouquet with all the "single" girls. It feels like a slap in the face. My BF and I were securing financing for a home while these kids were sitting at home playing video games. I feel like married people are constatnly looking down on me and trying to "advise" me when in relaity my BF and I have been running a household together for longer than any of these people have even known one another.  

  

Here is my real problem though: I cannot find a way to effectively talk about this with my BF and it is eating away at our relationship. Long story short, I want to get married within the next year or 2 and he sayes he is not ready. He has not been able to articulate a reason yet. He has let me know, though, that he does not feel any of the social pressures I do. The real problem though is that he seems to think that these pressures are the only reason I want to get married now when in reality I want to get married because 1) we have been together long enough for me to know he is the one I want to be with and 2) I am applting to grad programs that will make the next 5-8 years a VERY inopportune time to plan and execute a wedding. THe last thing I want to do is to pressure him to marry me but that is exactly how he feels everytime I try to tell him how I feel about the issue. WHat am I suppossed to do? Say nothing? I've tried that and it just made me resent the fact that he never brough it up. Now I am starting to feel sort of cheated and disgustingly desparate. There is a part of me that feels like I've given him so much of my life and negotiating an official committment shouldn't be that hard. SHouldn't he know whether he wants to be with me or not by now? Getting married doesn't change that mcuh so what could he possibly be unsure/afraid about? More importantly, why won't he tell me? Does the fact that this has turned into sich a huge debate mean that our relationship needs to end for the netterment of both of us? 

  

I feel like I am out of options. If I ask for space, he sayes it feels like an ultamadum and the thought of leaving just makes me feel sick becuase I really care about him. I really want the relationship to work but I am just not happy with the way things are and I can't see a way to effect any change.  

  

I'm hoping someone will have some useful advice. 

 
November 16, 2005, 4:20 am CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: april29

Help! I'm wondering if any of you out there have this problem.... I am dating a guy with a 5 year old.  I am completely in love with this guy and we have talked about marriage.  But, when visitation time comes - I can not be in the picture. (My boyfriend has to be with his son without me there).  He says that it's because they don't have that much time together and he feels like he needs to spend it with just him.  Although, there are times that he is with his son around his family (mom and dad, sister, nieces and nephews) - still I'm not invited.  I have tried talking with him about it and to suggest that we spend time with his son around his family so that his son will get use to me and we can build a relationship also... after all, if we are going to get married I will have to have a relationship with his son!  He has said to me that his son does not want to be around me and that he's not going to make him do something he doesn't want to do whether I like it or not.  Oh Lord!  Will this get any better?  Anybody with suggestions? 

how long have you been dating this guy?    

  

there is something wrong with this picture.  and if i were you i would tread very carefully in this relationship.  if he is talking about getting married to you why hasn't he at least invited you to spend A LITTLE time with his son.  it seems like maybe the 5 year old is running the show.  your boyfriend might feel 'guilty' if his son doesn't get 100% of his attention.  that is sending the WRONG message to that little boy, and it's not fair to you either.   

  

i would have a serious talk with your boyfriend.  even if the three of you spend a little time (a couple of hours per week) together....he will see that it's not such a big deal and the little boy will get used to you in time.  good luck. 

 
November 16, 2005, 5:43 am CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: emmachlo

I am 26 and have been in a committed relationship with my BF for the past 7 years. We have been living together for the past 5 years. For the most part our lives look very similar to the lives of our married friends (we own a home together, we manage household together etc) but we are *just* friends. Within the past couple of years especially over the past year, that has really statred to bother me. It really irks me when I am introduced at social and work functions as a GF mostly because of the questions that follow (how long have you been together; when are you getting married etc). I doubt that people would be so nosey (and in some cases judgemental) if we were married. I also have just come to resent the social associations that come from the GF/BF label - essentially I don't like being on the same level as kids in highschool. THe truth is that people just don't seem to respect a relationship until marriage occurs. I'm sick of going to weddings (where the bride and groom have only known each other a year or so and are planning on moving out of their parents house when they get back from the honeymoon) and being expected to try to catch the bridal bouquet with all the "single" girls. It feels like a slap in the face. My BF and I were securing financing for a home while these kids were sitting at home playing video games. I feel like married people are constatnly looking down on me and trying to "advise" me when in relaity my BF and I have been running a household together for longer than any of these people have even known one another.  

  

Here is my real problem though: I cannot find a way to effectively talk about this with my BF and it is eating away at our relationship. Long story short, I want to get married within the next year or 2 and he sayes he is not ready. He has not been able to articulate a reason yet. He has let me know, though, that he does not feel any of the social pressures I do. The real problem though is that he seems to think that these pressures are the only reason I want to get married now when in reality I want to get married because 1) we have been together long enough for me to know he is the one I want to be with and 2) I am applting to grad programs that will make the next 5-8 years a VERY inopportune time to plan and execute a wedding. THe last thing I want to do is to pressure him to marry me but that is exactly how he feels everytime I try to tell him how I feel about the issue. WHat am I suppossed to do? Say nothing? I've tried that and it just made me resent the fact that he never brough it up. Now I am starting to feel sort of cheated and disgustingly desparate. There is a part of me that feels like I've given him so much of my life and negotiating an official committment shouldn't be that hard. SHouldn't he know whether he wants to be with me or not by now? Getting married doesn't change that mcuh so what could he possibly be unsure/afraid about? More importantly, why won't he tell me? Does the fact that this has turned into sich a huge debate mean that our relationship needs to end for the netterment of both of us? 

  

I feel like I am out of options. If I ask for space, he sayes it feels like an ultamadum and the thought of leaving just makes me feel sick becuase I really care about him. I really want the relationship to work but I am just not happy with the way things are and I can't see a way to effect any change.  

  

I'm hoping someone will have some useful advice. 

first of all i would insist that he tell you WHY he doesn't want to get married.  is he afraid it will lead to having kids right away?  i'm sure you've discussed that with him so that may not be the issue.  what is the problem with 'sealing the deal'  since you've been living together for 5 years already? 

  

Perhaps you should insist on going to couples counseling so you can get some answers.  maybe you could meet in the middle and come to some kind of agreement where you will both get what you want...he might be able to discuss his fears with a therapist.  what you are feeling is normal and i don't think you are being unreasonable at all. 

  

before you invest any more years in this relationship i think you should get to the bottom of things and find out why he is so scared to make your relationship 'official'.   i don't think giving him an ultimatum will work though.  he may shut down even more from that.  good luck. 

 
November 16, 2005, 7:27 am CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: windy66

how long have you been dating this guy?    

  

there is something wrong with this picture.  and if i were you i would tread very carefully in this relationship.  if he is talking about getting married to you why hasn't he at least invited you to spend A LITTLE time with his son.  it seems like maybe the 5 year old is running the show.  your boyfriend might feel 'guilty' if his son doesn't get 100% of his attention.  that is sending the WRONG message to that little boy, and it's not fair to you either.   

  

i would have a serious talk with your boyfriend.  even if the three of you spend a little time (a couple of hours per week) together....he will see that it's not such a big deal and the little boy will get used to you in time.  good luck. 

Windy66 ~ 

Thanks for your comments.  I will take your advice to heart.  I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my problem.  I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year.  I do believe that it is more about him and not his son.  I believe what you said about him feeling guilty.  I am going to keep requesting time with both of them.  A little at a time.  And time will tell.  I'm hoping.  Thanks again! 

 
November 17, 2005, 7:14 am CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: windy66

first of all i would insist that he tell you WHY he doesn't want to get married.  is he afraid it will lead to having kids right away?  i'm sure you've discussed that with him so that may not be the issue.  what is the problem with 'sealing the deal'  since you've been living together for 5 years already? 

  

Perhaps you should insist on going to couples counseling so you can get some answers.  maybe you could meet in the middle and come to some kind of agreement where you will both get what you want...he might be able to discuss his fears with a therapist.  what you are feeling is normal and i don't think you are being unreasonable at all. 

  

before you invest any more years in this relationship i think you should get to the bottom of things and find out why he is so scared to make your relationship 'official'.   i don't think giving him an ultimatum will work though.  he may shut down even more from that.  good luck. 

dr. phil is right. I had the same thing happen to me , the man I was with didn't think we should get married and I felt we should and he could not give an answer as  to why?, by the time he  got around to give it I got pregnant. and then it became a question of when now, but by that time I didn't want to anymore, and I eventualy Had a miscarriage. but that goes to show you how things can change with time. 

 
November 17, 2005, 7:25 am CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: windy66

how long have you been dating this guy?    

  

there is something wrong with this picture.  and if i were you i would tread very carefully in this relationship.  if he is talking about getting married to you why hasn't he at least invited you to spend A LITTLE time with his son.  it seems like maybe the 5 year old is running the show.  your boyfriend might feel 'guilty' if his son doesn't get 100% of his attention.  that is sending the WRONG message to that little boy, and it's not fair to you either.   

  

i would have a serious talk with your boyfriend.  even if the three of you spend a little time (a couple of hours per week) together....he will see that it's not such a big deal and the little boy will get used to you in time.  good luck. 

First of all think about this seriously if he does not want you to be around his son,  WHAT IS HE SAYING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU TO OTHER PEOPLE?. It is not fair to not inclued ou in his time with his son, because if you are getting married will you not be in the picture more than just there for the weekend?. I F HE THINKS SO LITTLE OF YOUR FEELING THAN THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH DOES HE LOVE YOU? IF HE IS WILLING TO HURT YOU LIKE THIS , I THINK YOU SHOULD TELL HIM IF THIS IS THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT ME MEETING YPUR SON THAN I THINK WE NEED TIME APART TO SEE IF THIS IS GOING TO WORK BECAUSE I CAN NOT LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO LEAVE ME OUT OF PART OF YOUR LIFE WHEN I WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU ALLWAYS. 

 
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