Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Hi,

 

I have been together with my partner for 3,5 yrs. I have always wanted to marry in the future!

 

My partner has never been married and always says he doesn´t like rules and institution ´´ the marriage´. I dreamed of my partner asking me to marry me.....

 

I see now that if I want to marry him, I wil have to be the one that asks him. It´s just that I am afraid that he won´t take it seriously, or that he says NO!

 

Please help me......tips ?

You’ve been together for 3 and a half years?

If you want to get married, then I urge you to not compromise yourself for someone else. Why doesn’t this guy “like” the rules involved in marriage? That is a clear sign that he doesn’t want to commit to being monogamous. Red flag! If you want to get married, then ask him and see what he says- but if you believe in your heart that he is going to say no, then you are probably right. I urge you to think about what you are doing staying in this relationship, when you know he isn’t interested in ever getting married, and you do want to get married.

 

I used to tell myself there's someone out there for me.  I am beginning to believe its over now.  I am 40years of age and never been married.  My friends have been marry once or twice.  I came near 6x's and never made it to the alter.  I feel that I am getting old.  My kids are just about grown and pretty soon I will be by myself.  I do not wan that.  I had a plan and my plan felled so now i think I just live and be happy for just being alive.

I left my first husband 2 years ago.  we were married young, but together about 7 years.  i got out of the marriage and took my life back -- made big and difficult decisions, and now I am truly alive and well, living in a beautiful place, have many people in my life who love me, and am engaged to a man who loves me deeply and who i love with largest section of my heart.

 

now the tough stuff...  i think because of my previous divorce and my desire to be so sure that this relationship is it, i find myself not knowing if i am over or under-reacting to a couple relationship issues.  The one that seems to keep re-curring is my fiancee's pattern of making plans without asking me about them or making them with others in the moment which puts me in an awkward situation to respond to him appropriately. 

 

Today is a perfect example: Help!?$#  It's his birthday...and I have been at home today sick with a cold/flu bug.  the kind you want to hide under the covers and just be babied.  luckily i had several things planned for his birthday that he was able to enjoy today even with me feeling so badly.  he even came home from work to make me soup, bring me fluids and sit with me for a while.  so here is the dilemma, he comes home after work and let's me know he is going christmas shopping with his friend later this evening.  i say okay, that i will miss him, and he knows i wish he would stay -- but i feel awful and i want him to enjoy his birthday.  and then...when they (yes they) come home from christmas shopping, he asks his friend if he wants to go out for some beers. 

 

i was so sad because i just wanted him to snuggle with me, but at the same time it's his birthday...  i tried to express this to him, which just ended yp making both of us feel worse.  plus hs friend is right in the other room, so i feel like the total "whiner," which is so not me or how i want to be.

 

so, now he is out with his buddy, and i am on this blog questionning whether i should go through with my marriage.  did he chose beer over me?  am i being selfish?  things like thisdon't happen a ton, but enough so that i feel he doesn't appreciate how reasonable and fair i am in the relationship.  i want both of us to have friends, be able to go out separately, etc.  but if he says he needs me, he is my #1 priority.  no matter what.  actions like this make me feel i am definitley not his #1, and i don't or haven't yet been able to communicate this effectively. 

 

help?  thoughts? advice?  and i being irrational/under-rational?  i feel so sad and alone right now, not a good thing. 

i agree...be very careful about getting married or thinking he'll change his mind about marriage just because you propose.  do not underestimate your values and/or compromise what you want and need.  if you take care of yourself in this situation it will be the best for both of you.  have you thought about having an even more open and frank conversation with him?  i know how tough and scary this can be to do, but it's better to know sooner than later if your relationship goals are headed down the same or different paths. 

Situation. My bf and I have been together for 2 years. We have been living together for 1. I am 22 and he is 24. About 5 months ago he told me he wanted to marry me and wanted to get engaged. At a shopping trip with my step mom I stoped and looked at rings and picked out three I realy liked. I gave this info to my boyfriend and he bout the ring that was my first pick. He keeps it in our bedroom closet. Well he said I would have it before christmas. Umm no ring. I asked him whats up and he says hes having second thoughts because he is scared. Then he wanted to go to christmas at his family's instead of mine. I pleaded for him to stay with me for christmas(he spent last year at his moms and promised me that he would spend christmas with my family this year). He told me he is going no matter what and if I let him go he would give me the ring when he got back(the nerv). Before he left we had a serious talk about our relationship and what we expect from each other and such. Well during the conversation he asked me if he ever had to move out would i break up with him. i replyed honestly I dont know. In which case he told me he is going to hold on to the ring then. I mean say what? I want a step forward and not a step back. He is in college and has a very tuff course he studies alot and I need more us time. That is why he thinks if he moves out it would be better for our relatiponship like the way it was before we moved in together. He would come over and we would hang out. we never argued before we moved in together. Well we argue now, but he bought the ring anyways and it wasnt a cheep ring.What do you think is going on here? I am tiered of him dangling the ring in front of me as if its a reward or something. Its like he doesnt want me to get upset over anything and doesnt want any aruments or he wont give me the ring. I want to take our relationship to the next level. I thought he did 2. he was the one that wanted it first. I wasn't crazy about the ideal at first, but that is what I want now, and it seems like since he got the ring he has been pushing me away. He even told me that he has been pushing me away because he is scared. What do I do or what should I say to him?

you have to look at it from the point of view of what he is doing NOW, which is pushing you away.

 

And don't look at the fact that he started the marriage talk.

 

Give him the space, see what happens.

 

Also I would advise you to watch the "Marry me or else" episode, even if you have to order the dvd copy.

 

And go to the message board  (December shows) for that episode, I did a couple of posts on this same date for that mesage board that could give you some insight.

This does not sound healthy at all! You are feeling that he doesn’t want you to get upset over anything, and he doesn’t want any arguments, and then, and ONLY then, will he give you the engagement ring. That is unfair. It seems like you two are experiencing an imbalance of power right now; he has the ring/leverage, he knows how much you want it, and he is using that to his full advantage. Wow. Did you ever dream that he would be like this? Your engagement ring is not a reward. It is a promise that both of you make to each other.

My advice to you is to think back to the way that your relationship was before all of this ‘stuff’ over the engagement ring began. You both were happy, right? I urge you to examine what your role in all of this is. He doesn’t want to argue so much; does he have a valid point? Instead of arguing to get your point across, you can learn to communicate your needs using what is called the “validation” method of communication. Here is an example: “honey I love you, and I want for us to have a long, happy and healthy relationship, and I know that you want that too. I also want you to know that I appreciate all that you do for us and our plans for the future. Although it hurts my feelings that you’ve changed your mind about the holidays, I understand. To keep our relationship equal, I need to be open to compromising.” this is just an example, of course you put it in your own words, but the point is to use a calm, rational voice when you say this, and, when you use the words “appreciate” and “understand,” it is very rare that you will get a defensive response from him.

You’ve got to just pretend that ring isn’t in the closet, just pretend it doesn’t exist; otherwise, it will be the death of your relationship.

I just fifnshed watching a show called marriage uncensored. It is a very helpfull show. It's not only about marriage it can be used for any relationship. I realize that yes I do try to argue my point because I feel like it's the only way it works. I am wrong because in the beggining it was great we talked and I was happy. Then somehow it led to arguing. I guess I was not really understanding his needs. When he comes home from him moms I will see if he will watch the show with me it's only a half an hour(I taped it) and then I will start a serious conversation. I will apologize for the way I have been lately and well actually have a healthy conversation.  In exchange for him listening to me and watching a show with me I will do something with him that he likes to do, such as playing a video game. After how things have been lately I need some reasurance in the relationship and i need to know that he is willing to work on this relationship with me. I also need to really work on improving my self- esteem. Since we have been together I have put on 10 pounds. I am still by no means overweight but I don't like the way I look to much and mabey because i feel down I bring him down. i know not healthy. Either way all I wanted to say is that I am commited to this relationship and i would really like to make it work, if he agrees I would like to go to some couple conselling sessions. I think it would help us communicate better.

I havent been on the message board in a while but I wanted to give an update to my situation. I got engaged over the holidays! My fiancee asked my parents permission beforehand and now my mom is angry that she wasnt actually there to help him pick out the ring, and see my fiancee get on one knee at all.

On top of this, my financee and I offered to visit her first afterwards and she said she was busy w/ christmas planning, so we went to his mom's house, and now my mom is mad at that!

On Christmas Day, we travelled 4 hours to spend xmas with my parents/family and my mom was a complete bitch, criticizing my ring (a 2.5 carat solitare!), jumping on everything my fiancee or I said, it was very tense and uncomfortable.

The next day, I confronted her on it and now she behaved that way because she is shocked that as an only child, i would share with her how i felt about my fiancee. she is pouring on the guilt saying she's all alone, that i've changed, that i listen to everyting my fiancee says and that she's scared for herself because she thinks if she gets sick, my fiancee and i will put her in a home.  she also expressed that i should have given her a heads up that my relationship was that serious. hello i am in my mid 30s and have been dating him for close to 2 years and they met him. who thinks like this? now she wont return my telephone calls and seems like she has no interest in wedding planning and has already hinted that she refuses to pay for his big family. why is she so hell bent on ruining this occasion for me? i hope she isnt giving me and my fiancee bad karma and i dont want to deal with her negativity. on top of this, my fiancee is taking me to aruba next week and i cant even share that with her because that starts the "buy the cow" comments so i have to say i am on a business trip.

what should i do??