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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Number of Replies: 960
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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November 17, 2005, 12:41 pm CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: windy66

first of all i would insist that he tell you WHY he doesn't want to get married.  is he afraid it will lead to having kids right away?  i'm sure you've discussed that with him so that may not be the issue.  what is the problem with 'sealing the deal'  since you've been living together for 5 years already? 

  

Perhaps you should insist on going to couples counseling so you can get some answers.  maybe you could meet in the middle and come to some kind of agreement where you will both get what you want...he might be able to discuss his fears with a therapist.  what you are feeling is normal and i don't think you are being unreasonable at all. 

  

before you invest any more years in this relationship i think you should get to the bottom of things and find out why he is so scared to make your relationship 'official'.   i don't think giving him an ultimatum will work though.  he may shut down even more from that.  good luck. 

Thanks for your comments, WIndy66. After reading this board a little more it seems like I am certainly not the 1st person to face this delimma.  It seems like such a stupid reason to break up on the one hand, but it really is a big deal.  

  

I'm pretty sure it is not the fear of having kids because neither of us wants that yet. It is so complicated because I really can't let this go but I would never want  us to get married because he felt like it was an ultimatum.  

  

The counseling is a good idea and it is something I have considered before but finding the money for that would be a challenge for me as my entire life is sort of in limbo until I hear back from teh grad schools I have applied to. I have to be prepared to potentially move across the country within the next 9 months and I have to be prepared to fly out for interviews etc at the drop of a hat in the meantime. I suppose it would be money well-spent though. I'll have to figure something out.  

 
November 22, 2005, 2:12 am CST

IM NEW PLEASE HELP ME

HI I AM LOL 21 YEAR OLD MALE WHO LIVES IN CANADA AND RECENTLY IN MARCH OF 2005 PROPOSED TO MY GF OF 4 YEARS AND SHE SAID YES  WE NOW HAVE A HOUSE THREE CATS AND A DOG OTGETHER AND A HOUSE FULL OF FURNITURE TV"S ETC THEN IN SEPT SHE LEFT ME AFTER AN ARGUMENT CLAIMING TO HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE WITH ME NOW THE ONLY THOUGHTS THAT HAUNT ME ARE OF HER THE PAIN AND THE THOUGHTS OF PLANNING MY OWN DEATH I UMM JUST NEED SOME ADVICE AS TO WHAT TO DO AND HOW I CAN POSSIBLY IF ANY GET HER TO COME TO HER SENSES AND HAVE US WORK ON THINGS I REALLY NEED HELP THANKS
 
November 25, 2005, 9:33 am CST

Should they be doing this?

Recently my girlfriend and I broke up after dating for 18 months or so. The relationship had been fading from her side and it was evident in her body language, yet barely a month before she ended it she asked one of her daughters if she should marry me in order to have more money in the household to cover the food bill.  

We decided that we should go our separate ways on October 14, a day before I was to return to work after a month of leave. As I had seen the signs that the relationship was so to say over, I did not argue the matter. And so we went our separate ways.  

Now, I know that means that I have NO say in her decisions anymore, and I have not got a leg to stand on when she makes relationship decisions. However, less than a month later, on November 12 to be exact, she met a man at a party, he told her at the party that God had told him that she was to be his wife, they went out on a date on the Sunday, and on the Monday, November 14 he proposed and she accepted. On Wednesday November 16 she called me to tell me what she was doing, before someone else did. 

I am really broken now and I don't know how to react. I have since made some very disastrous choices and now regret some of the things I have said. 

What do I do to get over this hurting and pain. 

  

 
November 26, 2005, 1:35 am CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: alijay1

Recently my girlfriend and I broke up after dating for 18 months or so. The relationship had been fading from her side and it was evident in her body language, yet barely a month before she ended it she asked one of her daughters if she should marry me in order to have more money in the household to cover the food bill.  

We decided that we should go our separate ways on October 14, a day before I was to return to work after a month of leave. As I had seen the signs that the relationship was so to say over, I did not argue the matter. And so we went our separate ways.  

Now, I know that means that I have NO say in her decisions anymore, and I have not got a leg to stand on when she makes relationship decisions. However, less than a month later, on November 12 to be exact, she met a man at a party, he told her at the party that God had told him that she was to be his wife, they went out on a date on the Sunday, and on the Monday, November 14 he proposed and she accepted. On Wednesday November 16 she called me to tell me what she was doing, before someone else did. 

I am really broken now and I don't know how to react. I have since made some very disastrous choices and now regret some of the things I have said. 

What do I do to get over this hurting and pain. 

  

hey buddy holy crap its kinda good to know that were going thru the same thing well im not one to give advice im farting around myself just trying to get the love from her back everything is the same but no kids i wish i could help but hey there is always someone here to talk if you need it ok  

Orion 

 
November 26, 2005, 9:40 am CST

Should they be doing this?

Quote From: orion625

hey buddy holy crap its kinda good to know that were going thru the same thing well im not one to give advice im farting around myself just trying to get the love from her back everything is the same but no kids i wish i could help but hey there is always someone here to talk if you need it ok  

Orion 

Orion, take heart buddy, seems that this kind of action by the other half, no disrespect intended, and according to the good Doctor, we bring on ourselves. Reading his Autopsy advice today has me thinking that a good portion of my problem is in my head and heart. Deal with that and I deal with the big Kahuna. 

  

Hey, I still wanna go over there and beat the crap out of him, but I don't know where he lives or what he looks like... fighting ghosts, I guess. 

  

Guess I can only go to her, talk and walk. Then it is so O.V.E.R. and I move on to better and greener. 

I already feel a whole lot better, but I still have to do the autopsy and sew up the gaping hole in my chest... any ideas. And besides the usual Bud... 

 
November 29, 2005, 5:52 am CST

your stronger then i am

Quote From: alijay1

Orion, take heart buddy, seems that this kind of action by the other half, no disrespect intended, and according to the good Doctor, we bring on ourselves. Reading his Autopsy advice today has me thinking that a good portion of my problem is in my head and heart. Deal with that and I deal with the big Kahuna. 

  

Hey, I still wanna go over there and beat the crap out of him, but I don't know where he lives or what he looks like... fighting ghosts, I guess. 

  

Guess I can only go to her, talk and walk. Then it is so O.V.E.R. and I move on to better and greener. 

I already feel a whole lot better, but I still have to do the autopsy and sew up the gaping hole in my chest... any ideas. And besides the usual Bud... 

Hey man how are things better on your end i hope my ex fiance and i were together for 6 years or so and i honestly havent the foggiest as to what to do as for going over there and beating the crap outa the other guy well again same boat lol. 

my fiance after a month started going out with my old neibor saying that he treated her better in three days than i did in three years yeah ok so instead of beating the crap outa him im in florida right now trying to cool down ( not happening with the heat here lol) but sara and i were planning to one day go so i took the liberty of going myself just so i dont fly off the handle maybe thats what you need to do just take some you time and sing a song or knit ha ha i dont know as for bringing it on ourselfs well the way i see it in most cases its 50-50 if were screwing up its our duty to fix it right but if we dont know we are screwing up the other 50% should be on the other informing us of the problem so it can be corrected and forgotten i never got that chance and as for the hole in your chest and the hole thru mine well from experience they never fully heal does it well hope to hear from you soon bud keep me posted as to your situation i hope things turn out for the better Bud  

  

Orion  

 
November 30, 2005, 2:32 am CST

Should they be doing this?

Quote From: orion625

Hey man how are things better on your end i hope my ex fiance and i were together for 6 years or so and i honestly havent the foggiest as to what to do as for going over there and beating the crap outa the other guy well again same boat lol. 

my fiance after a month started going out with my old neibor saying that he treated her better in three days than i did in three years yeah ok so instead of beating the crap outa him im in florida right now trying to cool down ( not happening with the heat here lol) but sara and i were planning to one day go so i took the liberty of going myself just so i dont fly off the handle maybe thats what you need to do just take some you time and sing a song or knit ha ha i dont know as for bringing it on ourselfs well the way i see it in most cases its 50-50 if were screwing up its our duty to fix it right but if we dont know we are screwing up the other 50% should be on the other informing us of the problem so it can be corrected and forgotten i never got that chance and as for the hole in your chest and the hole thru mine well from experience they never fully heal does it well hope to hear from you soon bud keep me posted as to your situation i hope things turn out for the better Bud  

  

Orion  

Hey there Buddy, 

I am seeing a psychologist here in Cape Town now as a result of this. I have been astounded at how this has affected me. We are now going to deal with all of that. I have downloaded a tip from the good Doc and I am including it here, apologies Doc for the gender "bending" liberties I have taken... 

  

Does she really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which she's really meeting your needs. Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish she was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: "There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go 'Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!'" Don't kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past.

  

 

  

 

Bud, Anger does only one thing, it eats you up from the inside and has you douing some pretty wierd stuff. I don't wanna face Dr Phil when he says to me "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!!" 

Best of luck in dealing with Sara, and I hope you can forgive her and move past this. Get on with YOUR life, it is the best thing you can do for yourself, great that you are taking a vacation in Florida, I am going to see my kids this weekend, and I will be visiting my folks for the Christmas weekend. 

  

God bless you 

  

Ali 

 
November 30, 2005, 7:32 am CST

Good News

Quote From: jesinaj

This may require that you move out.  Under NO circumstances, however, may you cite his not wanting to get married as the reason why you want to create some space.  You MUST also reassure him that you aren't trying to leave him for someone else.  Insist that you want to remain faithful to him, but feel that you both could benefit from some time apart. 

  

This is not about making him miserable, but about making him see what he's missing by  not making you a permanent fixture in his life.  It's not that he means to take you for granted, but after a long time and getting stuck in the rut of daily life he doesn't appreciate the little things you do as much.  So, if he gets some space and starts wondering how he every made it without you, he'll be calling you up and wanting you back...  put him back on the 3 day rule...  if you don't know... this is the minimum amount of time a guy needs to contact you by for a date...  so for friday night, he should call you no later than wednesday so you can plan your time accordingly...  (there's nothing more fun than frantically doing 2 loads of laundry, washing your hair, and taking a shower between work and a friday night date!) 

  

hint 1. don't always be home when he calls or at least don't always answer!   

hint 2.  This is not about making you miserable either.  Use this time for yourself!  Concentrate on some things you've wanted to do for you and call up some old girlfriends and go out!  You can think about him though, consider his reaction to your space idea and also whether or not the two of you can have a successful marriage. 

hint 3.  This is not about other men.  dont' go calling old boyfriends.  This will just confuse you. 

 hint 4.  Be Patient!  Rome wasn't built in a day and guys are slow sometimes. 

  

Warning:  this may 'backfire' on you (if you want to call it that).  he may realize after all, that he can... and would rather... live without you.  This is something he would have figured out eventually whether you left or not, and finding out this way could save you from messy divorce or putting many children in the middle of a mess.  If he does decide he's better off without you, you're better off without him, I recommend taking this as a 'he isn't the ONE'.  This frees you up to work on yourself and get back out there looking for Mr. Right. 

  

  

 Well, things have changed since the last time I was on here.  On our six year "anniversary", my boyfriend proposed to me!!!!  We are getting married June 24th!  We are so excited!  All of our friends and family are thrilled.  Maybe the old saying is true......Good things come to those who wait!
 
November 30, 2005, 10:34 am CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: sadsarah

  I have been with my boyfriend now for two years and we have a seven month old son together. I'm not the type of person to date many people just to have someone, so when I do, it means I really care for them. All I have ever wanted was someone to love me and live happily with a family of my own, but I can't seem to let go of my first love. He was the first person I ever had any strong emotional feelings for, and we've been seperated for over four years now. I recently learned he is getting married to the girl he dated on and off when we were also on and off again, and all I can think of is, "why not me?". I hate that I feel this way and I want to let him go and have those feelings for my present boyfriend, but I have never really "loved" him the way I have before. I feel like I'm being cheated somehow and I think of him, dream of him, and wish on him every second of the day. He's not a saint in the fact he broke my heart so bad it brought me to the breaking point, but I want to let go so bad and my boyfriend catches me daydreaming all the time and I have to lie and pretend something else is on my mind. I feel like I'm going crazy and I thought being single for two years (not dating a single soul) until I met my current boyfriend is proof that I have tried to move on, but I just can't seem to let him go!!! Someone please tell me, what do I do???!

Seeing as how this is not a professional opinion, I can only do what I feel is right in my heart. I have moved on and started a new life with my current boyfriend and I look forward everyday to raising our son together and building a happy home and eventually a marriage with him. The same things happen to people when they are about to get married. They get the jitters and question every ounce of emotion they are feeling. I felt this was being determined just because we were having a baby together, and I wasn't ready for the future of possibilites to be over.  But I strongly believe everything happens for a reason. Now that I look back, I can honestly say I'm proud of the accomplishments we have made for our future together. The stress levels in this relationship are what originally questioned me to why I felt this way. Although we have been through some very traumatic experiences together and he didn't handle them the way they should have been handled, I have stuck by his side through thick and thin. I feel that is more truth to anything, despite the way I sometimes wish things could be.I am proud to be where I am and have him in my life. I'm a very emotional person and he doesn't listen to me or take me serious when I try to talk to him, so that's why I cannot communicate my thoughts and feelings to him. He's very intimidating and "intreprets" to  negative insults when I do and will not let me just "talk" to him to help him understand  what I'm feeling. Comming from a guy's point of view, I can understand your point. But I also feel like there is more to work on in this relationship before I give up. If I didn't see potential, I would never have stuck by his side. I have known since our first date i was going to marry him and we've come too far to just give everything up for a couple of jitters about our pre-determined life together at such a young age.  You have to admit, it would scare you too.... 

Oh and FYI, I was told I could never have children so I don't regret a single thing that has happened.... 

 
December 4, 2005, 4:52 am CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: alijay1

Hey there Buddy, 

I am seeing a psychologist here in Cape Town now as a result of this. I have been astounded at how this has affected me. We are now going to deal with all of that. I have downloaded a tip from the good Doc and I am including it here, apologies Doc for the gender "bending" liberties I have taken... 

  

Does she really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which she's really meeting your needs. Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish she was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: "There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go 'Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!'" Don't kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past.

  

 

  

 

Bud, Anger does only one thing, it eats you up from the inside and has you douing some pretty wierd stuff. I don't wanna face Dr Phil when he says to me "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!!" 

Best of luck in dealing with Sara, and I hope you can forgive her and move past this. Get on with YOUR life, it is the best thing you can do for yourself, great that you are taking a vacation in Florida, I am going to see my kids this weekend, and I will be visiting my folks for the Christmas weekend. 

  

God bless you 

  

Ali 

hey ali  

its good to hear you dealing with this like i mentioned before your stronger and what you have said is true the anger alongside with the sadness makjes us do some pretty stupid things that well honestly i have looked back on and relaized werent me at all and i am not a person of regrets and these mistakes i dont regret either but like dr phil would say to me what was i thinking lol  

well i have to talk with sara about our mortgage and doing so in this holiday season will more than likley push me off the edge its good that your spending the time with your kids gods only knows how much i wish i had a girl of my own i had plans for one but again there shattered by the mistakes in the past well i hope your holiday season is filled with at least some happiness i mean hey your kids are still there right lol well keep in touch  

orion  

 
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