Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Is the only problem that you are more out going and he's more of a home body? 

My boyfriend and I are like this as well. He's doesn't really like going out much. I can usual get him to go out to one movie theater once every two or three months. So I think I understand how you feel.

I like to go out, so I do. I go out to dinner once every two weeks with some women I work with. Also I try to do something with one of my friends one night a week too.

Spending time out with my friends gives me the social life that I need and gives him time to spend doing what he wants, usually staying home.

But then when I get home I am glad to spend time with him. 

You can try finding something he likes to do and join him. My boyfriend likes to take the ATV's out four wheeling. It scares me half the time but is also exciting so I go. Plus I get to spend time with him out doing something he enjoys.  Then he's more willing to go out to a barbque or something I want to do.

Maybe you cant get everything you need from one person.  If you need a more active social life then get some friends to go out. Single friends, married friends, whatever. Plus if you are having so much fun He might even want to see what all the fun is and ask to go out one time too.

If not then do what you enjoy. Go to the gym, take an art class, join a book club. The more interesting you are the more interested he will be.  

But hey its your life and if you arent happy then get out there. Do something fun and different, maybe you'll find someone else along the way or maybe you'll go home and find you love staying in sometimes too. 

Have you ever had a good relationship with his parents, or have they always seemed to not like you? . Have you thought about things you could do or say to endear yourself to his parents? Just to make things go smoother?

I understand that you are very hurt, this is every bride’s nightmare. But, I urge you to think about the bigger picture- you wouldn’t want your fiance to go through with the wedding knowing that he had doubts, would you? Only to then have your marriage fall apart a few years later? I know that isn’t what you want to hear- you want him to come through the door and tell you he wasn’t thinking clearly, that he is ready to do this….but you have to be prepared for the worst. I urge you to put your focus on yourself right now, because you are the only person that you have any control over.

Do you know what your fiance’s specific doubts are? That is a good place to start to grow and heal, creating a solid foundation. I wish you the best.

Unless your fiance is saying that he absolutely does not ever want children, I urge you to just enjoy the time that you have together for now- you don’t have to worry about having children right now. It is understandable that your fiance has reservations about having children because of the struggles he sees other people going through, but hopefully, over time, he will come to realize your solid foundation is a wonderful place to have children, IF that is what you both want. It sounds like both of you know that you don’t want children right now, or anytime soon, so relax and allow yourself to enjoy all of your life experiences with one another. Good luck.

i am a 19 year old mother of a 3 month old baby and want so advice and tips if anyone out there can help me.

I have been with my fiancee on and off for almost 5 years. i have done alot of things to hurt our releationship but i was young.

April of 06 we found out that i was pregnant he never wanted me to keep it and i wonder why it was so easy for him to say that. He was mad very mad when i told him i wouldnt have an abortion and i went and moved back with my mother to get some support. we talked all the time and after a few months went by he wanted me to move with him so i worked hard got my hours and quickly moved with him cause i wanted my daughter to have and know her father. Soon after i moved we got engaged and now im not sure if im ready for marrage. im 19 and almost 20 and dont want to be with him just cause we have a child together. i have told him that im not ready to marry but he wants it to happen in the new year. i dont feel happy with him and i cant go on with my life with him just for my daughter. I nknow i could do it without him cause i have alot of support from my family but i do want my daughter to grow up with her father around. If i go our engagement will be off and i will be over 3 hours away. I need him in her life but i feel like im to young to commit to anything. Im young. Should i be free? 

Hi -- I can really, really relate to what you're going through. I've been there. About 10 years ago (when I was 21), I was engaged to my high-school/college sweetheart, who I had been with for nearly six years. Even though I'd spent years dreaming about our wedding day, by the time we actually got engaged I began to have serious, gigantic doubts. It took me a long time to acknowledge it to myself and even longer to tell him the truth. I, too, became very anxious when thinking about our wedding day, even breaking into a cold sweat. I had the same thoughts about our differences, about whether we were right for each other, etc. I was plagued with anxiety for months after we announced our engagement--absolutely tormented with doubts. I began to feel like I was suffocating in the relationship, too, and had a longing to be free from it and to learn who I was separate from him.

Over time, I slowly realized the truth (for me, doesn't mean this is true for you). My fiance and I had grown apart immensely in those years we were together (after all, we started dating when he was 14 and me 15). I had become so attached to him that I had no idea who I was, but I also felt deep down that I was fundamentally different from him, in a way I hadn't realized before. Our common ground had shrunk considerably. I finally had to admit that my gut and my heart were telling me that I wasn't going to be happy with him, and that we weren't right for each other.

Breaking up with him is still the hardest thing I've ever done, and it was very painful, I won't lie. He was heartbroken and angry, and I was devastated too. But looking back from where I am now, I know I made the right decision. The pain passed, and now I feel peaceful -- I believe that we are better off where we are today.

Ironically, however, I'm going through something similar now, and the answers don't seem quite so clear. I've been dating someone for 2 years, and we are compatible in many ways. He is pretty clear that he wants to marry me, and I'm hesitant. Again, I have doubts creeping in; again I'm wondering if we're right for each other. So after thinking I had it all figured out 10 years ago, I'm back in the same place and I don't know what to do! I'm starting to wonder if it's me!

I will pass on a few things that I've heard could be helpful, and maybe they can help me too. First of all, the good ol' pros and cons list. List the things that you love about your partner, and then list the things that bother you. Consider how important the things in the "con" column are to your happiness and satisfaction in a relationship. Then, list the qualities you're seeking in a partner, as well as the things that are "deal-breakers" -- qualities/problems you absolutely can't live with. How does your partner stack up compared to those? Are the things that bother you on the list of "deal-breakers"?

I, too, have been living in this state of limbo, not making a decision, being afraid I'll make the wrong one. I think it would be a good idea if we both got the stuff in our heads on paper and really identified what's going on.

And in the end, trust your heart, trust yourself. If you have doubts, there's a reason. Maybe it means "not now," maybe it means "not with him," maybe it just means you're scared. But don't let others pressure you or rush you -- listen really closely to yourself. I think if we both do that, we'll find the answers.

Good luck and take care!

Getting married for the wrong reasons would clearly be a mistake.  He will always be your daughters father regardless of where you live or if you were married or not.  You would be doing a huge injustice to yourself as well as to your daughter by marrying a man just because he fathered a child with you.  I commend you for realizing this now before you walk down that aisle.   You should want to get married because you want to spend the rest of your life with this man and it's evident that you you can't make that committment because it's not how you feel.

Don't feel guilty for how you feel. 

Make arrangements for child support  and set up a visitation schedule that works for the both of you.  You sound like you've gt a good head on your shoulders, don't allow yourself to be talked into someting that you clearly are not ready for.

I have a small issue on my hands that I need advise on. I am dating a guy who is 9 years older then me. I just turned 21 a few weeks ago. He brought up the subject of marriage about a week ago. I love him to death and I do want to marry him but the catch is I am still in school I have about two years left and I would really like to finish before I make the commitment of marriage. However, on the other hand I think why am I waiting school is still going to be there I can finish even if I am married. I feel bad for making him wait for my selfish wants. Any advise would be awesome.....