Topic : Ready for Marriage?

I am 24 years old and have been dating a guy for the last 3 1/2 years. He was married in 1999 to a relative of his but had a divorce after having a son with her.

Last year, he proposed to me and i accepted. He then told his mom that he saw a girl that he wants to marry but her mother did not agree with him. His mother told him that before he marry another girl,let him reconcile with the ex-wife cuz they are all of the same family. (I live in Africa and some tribes believe in marrying within the same family in order to strengten the family)

I love this man so much but at times i wonder if he loves me too. He is not an open person, so he does not tell me anything about his private life. He never told me that he was married before, i came to know this when there was a problem between us. He has not call, tetx or even come to my house for the past one month just because he came there one day and two boys came and met us sitting together- without even asking, he thought those boys were my lovers not knowing that one of them is my cousin's boyfriend and he came to see my cousin together with a friend. 

Any time i tell him that i want to come to your house, he will find excuses just to prevent me form going.  He has never invited me to his house. If it happens that i am lucky to be there,  he will take me to a friend's house this makes me feel that he is hiding something from me. I have stopped going to see him since January cuz i feel that he doesn't want me there and i sometimes see myself as a fool.

Please help me on what to do cuz am confused and i really love him.

Ok.  Here is a quick low down of my life. 

First marriage married 6 years.  I was young and dumb getting out of the house.  We had one son after married two years. This husband was very abusive. 

Second marriage I thought was for life.  Thought we truly loved each other and would be married forever.  Only to let stress of life crush all dreams we had of growing old together.  He was 8 years older than me and stopped wanting to have sex the last couple of years we were married.  I feel this rejection drove me away from him.

Now.  I am 39 and holding been divorced almost two years and dating a man that is 7 years "younger" than me.  He has two wonderful children which he is the greatest dad in the world to and only gets them on his scheduled weekends.

My boyfriend is living with me in my home since "almost" right after my divorce.  We both love each other very much, get along great, have everything in common, and are so much alike it is crazy. 

Am I just sick in the head for getting involved so deeply so quickly?  There are many times we talk of marriage and I feel I could be married to him forever, however, there is always that other side that says "you crazy woman" this will be your third marriage and you are only 40.  "What makes you think this marriage would last any longer than the other ones?" 

How do people stay married forever?  Is there a book on this?  I want so badly to be married to one man for the rest of my life.  To know each other inside and out.  To grow old together.  To travel with and make many memories of our own.

What the heck do I do?  Just stay living with each other until I am 100% sure I want to marry again?  I can't imagine being without this man.  However, I can't help but think with him being so much younger than me am I at a different level of life to settle down with him with little children when mine is now 20 years old and living off on his own in another town. 

He feels our relationship is perfect because if he had dated someone closer to his age she would have small children too and this way we only have his children.  (no mine & yours situation to deal with).

Any suggestions or advice??

Hello, I understand what you are going through. The internet has been causing more break ups than bars in the past five years. My thoughts are this, if it bothers you then confront him. Really you don't have to say how you know. Honestly, that doesn't matter. For one thing, your not in the wrong he is. The thing that makes me angry with people is that they try and flip the script on us liek we did something wrong but what they seem to forget is that we're in a relationship. That means, be honest, don't lie and respect one another.

Maybe you can give me some advice in return. Last night I discovered that PC had well over 60 viruses. The reason for it was due to the x-rated sites my boyfriend went to and even though this was his first time I need to speak to him on this. Now I'm concerned and doubting myself.

Read what you wrote.  Is this the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with?  It seems that you really don't know anything about him, past and present.

You two are lacking a very necessary detail for a foundation of a relationship - Communication. He's not open with you now, what makes you think he will be any different in the future?  I mean he forgot to tell you that he was previously married!  And he doesn't invite you to his home so you obviously feel unwelcomed.  Do you not see a few HUGE red flags staring right at you?  This relationip seems like a disaster in the making.  No offense, but I'd run the other way and move on FAST/

I just wanted to remind everyone of an episode of Dr Phil fomr the 2006-07 season that I think everyone in this position needs to see.  It was called "Marry me or else".

I think everyone should go to that shows board ( I believe the date was 12-20-06) and buy a copy of the show if you can.

In that episode there was a 41 year old woman who was in a relationship for 12 years and was engaged to her fiance for 8 of them.  Well needless to say the looks on her face when she realized that she had basically been played for a fool for 8 years while her life and her chance to have kids was wasted, is something I don't think anyoen would ever forget!

Some of you younger women in this situation need to ask yourselves what is harder, breaking away and being single for a little while, or psending years wainting on uncertainty.

I totally understand where you are coming from, because i am currently in this situation.  I also have been best friends with a black man for 7 years and we started dating in February of 2006.  We told my parents the following month, and that was the worst thing ever.  They would not stop making commments about him, and it got worse when we started to discuss marriage.  He was getting up the courage to ask my father if he could marry me, and then my parents true feelings came out, he backed off and ran somewhere safe.  He is slowly coming back, and hopefully he will see the love I have for him.  MY situation mirrors yours exactly, because his mother is thrilled. 

I suggest you go about it very forthright and upfront.  Don't beat around the bush.  If they don't approve,so what it's your life.

My boyfriend and I have been together for fifteen months. We want to get married in a few years, but lately something has been bugging me. He spends (what I think is) WAY too much time with his best friend! Like today-They were supposed to go to a game together (which I could deal with), but decided not to go and went home (to my boyfriend's apartment) and just sat around watching tv! Now I am always asked to come along in anything that they do, so it's not like I feel like he is running around on me or anything like that, I just don't understand why two grown men would want to just pal around together everyday! I understand 'guy time' but 'guy time' to me means like once a month, not everyday. I just need some advice on how to discuss this with him without being argumentive or coming across like I don't like his best friend (which is not the problem, I just don't like them being together so much!)