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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Number of Replies: 960
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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December 21, 2005, 3:52 pm CST

You're not alone.

Quote From: lsgunter

I am newly engaged of about 3 months and I'm 20 years old.  Many of my friends are also getting engaged and getting married.  I am very worried that my generation isn't taking marriage very seriously in the sense that they have no plan - they just want to "live on love."  I think it's great that they have that passion and commitment, but I believe marriage is entering into sharing your entire life with a person which includes finances, jobs, and religion, among others.  Many of my friends don't have any financial plan or even full-time jobs.  Because so many marriages end in divorce especially over financial problems, it really scares me for them.  My fiance and I have already started to map out our budget for when we get married in about 10 months, and it really makes me feel a lot more secure that we have a plan.  I know this doesn't ensure that we won't encounter money problems, but I do feel like it is more preventative than doing nothing.  This could be a big concern of mine because I'm in school to be a marriage and family therapist, but does anyone else share my fear for society's lack of seriousness concerning marriage?

Hey there! 

  

      First of all congrats on your engagement! I'm sure you were smiling as you read that part. Anyway, I read your Message, and can't tell you how happy I am to know someone out there feels the same. Like yourself, I'm also 20 years old, and it seems that everyone around me is getting engaged, or married, in fact, my boyfriend's sister just announced her engagement last night and I'm totally happy for them; however marriage is a big deal and does take committment and compromise. I believe when you marry someone you marry them for life, not just tell you hit a midlife crisis. I don't thnk marriage is always great, but you gotta stick it out, and not give up with a divorce.  

       I realize the divorce rate is getting scary high ( my sister and her husband are divorcing after 13 yrs.) so it's on my mind too. But I think you can't let that get to your head too much. What you and your fiance have is awesome, and it seems that you two are taking marriage, and all that comes with it seriously, which is a great start. Just know what the two of you have, and forget society. It seems as though you're religious so you know what I'm taking about as far as not being of this world, just in it.  

            I know my sister's divorce is effecting me, but I just can't allow it to effect my relationship. It seems her ex hasn't taken that whole "death do us part" vow seriously, but I do know that someday I will. Anyway, my final suggestion is that there really is no guarantee to a marriage free of divorce, but find peace in knowing that you're gonna give it all you've got for the one that you love. I hope to keep in touch with you. (there's more where that came from.)  

                                                      Understandingly, Crystal 

 
December 22, 2005, 3:52 pm CST

Answer from prinscb

Quote From: marihop60

During your wait, did you ever leave him? Get discouraged? Were you living together all that time? My current BF is "scared" (We've all heard that before!LOL!) and I feel I'm just paying for what his ex did. We actually have more problems than that, and his getting married has nothing to do with me until he sees my car backing outta the drive! But anyway, I'm in a discouraged point right now. I really thought hw was the one, but if he was, wouldn't we want the same future? Did you ever have moments? TIA!
To answer your questions in general.....Yes!  We split up in '02 for about 3 weeks.  I came back home and things were great for about 4 months or so.  I was discouraged a lot of the time.  I mean, every holiday, birthday, "anniversary", etc., I would get my hopes up that he would propose.  And yes, we were living together.  We've lived together 5 1/2 out of the 6 years that we've been together.  I felt the same way about my bf....as far as me paying for what his ex did to him.  He got her a promise ring after they had been together for 3 1/2 years or so.  She cheated on him.  It broke his heart.  He didn't trust me for the longest time.  I would make it VERY clear to him that his not trusting me because of what had happened to him was SO NOT FAIR.  I told him I AM NOT HER.  I ended up paying  for her mistake for about 2 years. 

We have always wanted the same things for our future (i.e. living out in the country, eventually having two kids, etc.).  But, yes, it was extremely discouraging not having that "committment" and knowing that he could throw me out of his house at any given moment.  Like I said about holidays, etc.  WOW was I depressed, time and time again.  (Back in '02 after we got back together, we actually went looking for rings.)  Yep, just got it last month!  This relationship has really taught me patience.

If you believe in your heart that he is the one, dig your heels in.  Talk to him.  BUT, whatever you do....DON'T PUSH HIM.  It's easier said than done.

By the way, how old are you guys and how long have you been together?
 
December 22, 2005, 4:00 pm CST

Hi there!

Quote From: jennife72

well thanks  

hope i do as well  

i am sure this will be the year  

what part of indiana?  

i am in indpls 

I'm about an hour south of you.
Are you having a good holiday season?  Mine could be better, but then again, it could always be worse.  My fiance and I aren't buying presents for one another because not only do we have a wedding to pay for, but we're also wanting to move this spring.  Plus, to make things worse.....he's wanting to trade our boat in on a new one this spring as well.  Yikes!
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  Hope to hear from you soon.
 
December 27, 2005, 10:12 am CST

hi there

Quote From: prinscb

I'm about an hour south of you.
Are you having a good holiday season?  Mine could be better, but then again, it could always be worse.  My fiance and I aren't buying presents for one another because not only do we have a wedding to pay for, but we're also wanting to move this spring.  Plus, to make things worse.....he's wanting to trade our boat in on a new one this spring as well.  Yikes!
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  Hope to hear from you soon.

how are you? hope you had a good christmas as well  

well me and my b/f ( now fiance) are wanting to get a house as well  

and looking to get married in the fall of next year  

got engaged the day after christmas 

we went to a restaurant that we went to alot in our relationship 

and had one of the guys there take our picture 

very happy  

 

take care 

 
December 28, 2005, 11:56 am CST

Find yourself.....

Quote From: divergrl75

I have dated this guy for 5.5 years. I am 30 and he is 33. He finally poped the question and we got engaged.  Sometimes I feel like we are really just roomates.  Here's some reasons why. One time I was out with some friends and they left and I got stranded downtown. It happens in large crowds.  So, I called up my boyfriend to pick me up and he didn't pick up the phone so I had no phone book with me and only twenty dollars.  It wasn't enough to get home via cab.  I hitchiked home and when I got home the phone was unplugged. I plugged the phone back in and there were my messages.  I got really upset because he had the energy to get out of bed and disconnect the line but not to answer the phone or pick me up.  I need to know if I'm making a mistake by calling it off and moving forward alone.  I'm going through some tough times at work and only working small hours and not making a lot of money.  we had a deal where I paid for the bills and groceries and he paid for the rent.  With the small amount of money I get, I focuss on paying the bills and THEN I go grocery shopping with what I have left. As I mentioned, I haven't been working as much so I haven't made a whole lot.  I paid off our bills but this time I couldn't afford to buy groceries.  When he found out I couldn't afford to buy groceries, he got mad and said that he would buy them AGAIN and that I am not to eat his food.  I thought we were suppose to be a team.  Several times I do remember buying with little that I have I would still buy him what he wanted.  Another thing that bothers me is that after 5.5 years he still can't say he loves me.  Guys just say that he has a hard time expressing himself.  I need to know the truth. I mean come on.  FIVE years and he still can't say it?  I quit eating his food and started to sleep on the couch. I figure that if he wants to treat me like a roomate, I will act like a roomate and completely cut him off from sex and sleep on the couch. I have been feeling so empty and it's making me wonder why I am with him.  I found out that when he was younger his mother didn't want anything to do with him and that it was only till he ws a teenager that she just got involved in his life.  His father is a lot like him.  Another thing I don't like is that he doesn't understand why I get upset about him looking at internet porn/girls.  At first it really didn't bother me then the more I thought about it, It did bother me.  He can look at other woman and can't say he loves me or even show me he loves me. That is why I feel so crappy.  I'm not getting or feeling any love from him.  It all comes down to this ring he bought me.........I think it was a "shut up" ring.  He doesn't like to talk about setting a date (It's been 3 months) he told his friend when he asked when were getting married 2 years from now.  I gave back the ring and now I'm thinking I made a mistake. I'm feeling really confused because I love him. I have already spoke to him about how I feel and he sais that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't care or love me.  How can I get him to say he loves me and to start being a fiance instead of a roomate.   Or, am I really wasting my time with this one.  He woke up this morning and just left to work without saying goodbye.  He's making out like nothing is wrong or like he doesn't care.  Any Ideas?

Personally, I think you need to put a little more faith in yourself and in God.  (Jerimiah "I have plans for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.") It sounds as if you've lost yourself in this relationship (which most of us have all done at one time or another so don't feel bad).  I would suggest you start by looking for new/additional work to become self supporting, take a class (or go to church), or try to make a new friend outside the relationship - in fact try leaving the relationship out of the new friendship - something completely independent from your current boyfriend (don't misunderstand what I'm saying, I am NOT telling you to look for a new boyfriend or to leave your boyfriend - I AM telling you to find something that makes you feel good, a hobby.)  NO one should treat another human the way he's been treating you.  Ask yourself, would you treat him that way?  I can answer that - no you wouldn't, you care for him....  Then why are you allowing him to treat you that way?  (Side note, the verse above is something that gives me personal strength knowing that someone knows what's going on.....)  :O)  I wish you only the best! 

 
December 28, 2005, 4:10 pm CST

Stand Up for yourself

Quote From: kindheart1

my name is bridget and i am 17 i'll be turning 18 in January and i'm getting married to the love of my life in march and his mother and father hates me with a passion. I dont understand it because I have been so nice to them and never said anything out of the way to them because I love my fiance and I dont want him in the middle of all this but he is and I dont like that.. They tell him not to marry me because I'm a trouble maker and a liar and that I'm no good..So we dont know what to do...We are not letting them come to our wedding or come to our house or anything because of the way that his parents treats us when we are together.  They are so harsh I'm a very sweet and loving girl and I always give everyong a chance because thats the kind of person that I am. I love my fiance with all my heart and soul but we just dont know what to do about his parents because they even abused him when he was little but he is nothing like his parents at all..He is so loving and caring it's hard to believe that he came from that mess you know.  So my parents are helping us by giving us their old trailer and helping us get started ...We love my parents cause they are willing to help us and approve of our marriage...So Please if you all have any advice or just anything please let me know....Thanks Bridget

First of all, have you and your fiance spoken to his parents about how you feel.  Have they told "YOU" why it is they dislike you. And if so, just let them know that even though they dis-approve of you two getting married, You want them to be a part of the wedding as all parent should be, but they need to understand that their son loves you enough to marry you and they should respect that. If they are still unable, inform them that you will be there when they change their minds. It could be a hard process, but letting them know that you are not going to let them break up your wedding could make them take a step back and re-evaluate their doings. Believe me I know, my in-law were the same way. My husband is from Africa and his family was TOTALLY against him marrying me. But after some time, they understood that they could no longer control what their son does and backed off. I am now happy to call them Mom and Dad. 

 
December 28, 2005, 5:05 pm CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: divergrl75

I have dated this guy for 5.5 years. I am 30 and he is 33. He finally poped the question and we got engaged.  Sometimes I feel like we are really just roomates.  Here's some reasons why. One time I was out with some friends and they left and I got stranded downtown. It happens in large crowds.  So, I called up my boyfriend to pick me up and he didn't pick up the phone so I had no phone book with me and only twenty dollars.  It wasn't enough to get home via cab.  I hitchiked home and when I got home the phone was unplugged. I plugged the phone back in and there were my messages.  I got really upset because he had the energy to get out of bed and disconnect the line but not to answer the phone or pick me up.  I need to know if I'm making a mistake by calling it off and moving forward alone.  I'm going through some tough times at work and only working small hours and not making a lot of money.  we had a deal where I paid for the bills and groceries and he paid for the rent.  With the small amount of money I get, I focuss on paying the bills and THEN I go grocery shopping with what I have left. As I mentioned, I haven't been working as much so I haven't made a whole lot.  I paid off our bills but this time I couldn't afford to buy groceries.  When he found out I couldn't afford to buy groceries, he got mad and said that he would buy them AGAIN and that I am not to eat his food.  I thought we were suppose to be a team.  Several times I do remember buying with little that I have I would still buy him what he wanted.  Another thing that bothers me is that after 5.5 years he still can't say he loves me.  Guys just say that he has a hard time expressing himself.  I need to know the truth. I mean come on.  FIVE years and he still can't say it?  I quit eating his food and started to sleep on the couch. I figure that if he wants to treat me like a roomate, I will act like a roomate and completely cut him off from sex and sleep on the couch. I have been feeling so empty and it's making me wonder why I am with him.  I found out that when he was younger his mother didn't want anything to do with him and that it was only till he ws a teenager that she just got involved in his life.  His father is a lot like him.  Another thing I don't like is that he doesn't understand why I get upset about him looking at internet porn/girls.  At first it really didn't bother me then the more I thought about it, It did bother me.  He can look at other woman and can't say he loves me or even show me he loves me. That is why I feel so crappy.  I'm not getting or feeling any love from him.  It all comes down to this ring he bought me.........I think it was a "shut up" ring.  He doesn't like to talk about setting a date (It's been 3 months) he told his friend when he asked when were getting married 2 years from now.  I gave back the ring and now I'm thinking I made a mistake. I'm feeling really confused because I love him. I have already spoke to him about how I feel and he sais that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't care or love me.  How can I get him to say he loves me and to start being a fiance instead of a roomate.   Or, am I really wasting my time with this one.  He woke up this morning and just left to work without saying goodbye.  He's making out like nothing is wrong or like he doesn't care.  Any Ideas?

I don't want to san anything to hurt your feelings...but i am going to be blunt with you.  He is not into it.  And it is a 'shut up' ring.  You need to give his ring back (if you haven't done so already) and become completely self supporting.  Either get your current employer to give you more hours or find another job that will give you 35 to 40 hours a week.  Get your own place.  He doesn't have a hard time expressing himself.  His actions are speaking very loudly here and they are speaking for him.  He left without saying good buy to you?  He looks at interent porn and other girls?  And out of the five or so years that you two have been togther he hasn't said 'I love you' a single time?  You cannot make him do something that he doesn't want to do.  And what he doesn't want to do is marry.  He doesn't love you.  He loves himself more than he loves you and he is putting his own interests before yours.  It is obvious that he doesn't want you as a wife.  He wants you as a back up plan.  Move on girl.  He is not worth it.  Your self esteem is suffering here and you are starving yourself of a life filled with all of the lovely things that only you can make them to be.  But the thing here...is while you are creating your own self-supporting life....don't say a word to him about it.  He obviously keeps you out of a lot of apsects of his life.  You should do the same so that he can get a taste of his own medicine.  If he loves you as he says he does, why is it so hard for him to say it?  Don't waste your time anymore with this loser.  PLEASE move on.  Or you will subject yourself to a life that you will hate, regret, and despise him for much later on in life (that is if you married him).  He will more than likely continue his 'habits' regardless of how you feel or think.  I would not even be suprised if he already cheated on you and hid it from you.  He left you downtown and unplugged the phone?  dude...i see abuse in your future if you do not get away.  Please PLEASE move out ASAP.   

 
December 29, 2005, 12:06 pm CST

Is Patience a Virtue?

I am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 25. We've been together for 4 years and lived together for two. I've known for a while now that he's the one I want to marry. It constantly amazes me how good we are together despite how different we are. I love him so much and am so grateful to have him in my life. It just seems I'm always one step ahead in our relationship. When I wanted to be exclusive, he wasn't sure. Then when I wanted him to stop commuting and just live with me, he didn't want to. Now, I want to get married and he's not sure if ever will want to. He says he doesn't know why but the idea of marriage doesn't excite him. I really don't know want to do. Do I wait around until he figures it out...and if he does figure it out one day what if he never wants to get married, what do I do? Marriage is important to me in my life, it is in my goals to have a family. I just don't know how much more patient I can be without completely losing my mind.
 
December 29, 2005, 5:23 pm CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: divergrl75

I have dated this guy for 5.5 years. I am 30 and he is 33. He finally poped the question and we got engaged.  Sometimes I feel like we are really just roomates.  Here's some reasons why. One time I was out with some friends and they left and I got stranded downtown. It happens in large crowds.  So, I called up my boyfriend to pick me up and he didn't pick up the phone so I had no phone book with me and only twenty dollars.  It wasn't enough to get home via cab.  I hitchiked home and when I got home the phone was unplugged. I plugged the phone back in and there were my messages.  I got really upset because he had the energy to get out of bed and disconnect the line but not to answer the phone or pick me up.  I need to know if I'm making a mistake by calling it off and moving forward alone.  I'm going through some tough times at work and only working small hours and not making a lot of money.  we had a deal where I paid for the bills and groceries and he paid for the rent.  With the small amount of money I get, I focuss on paying the bills and THEN I go grocery shopping with what I have left. As I mentioned, I haven't been working as much so I haven't made a whole lot.  I paid off our bills but this time I couldn't afford to buy groceries.  When he found out I couldn't afford to buy groceries, he got mad and said that he would buy them AGAIN and that I am not to eat his food.  I thought we were suppose to be a team.  Several times I do remember buying with little that I have I would still buy him what he wanted.  Another thing that bothers me is that after 5.5 years he still can't say he loves me.  Guys just say that he has a hard time expressing himself.  I need to know the truth. I mean come on.  FIVE years and he still can't say it?  I quit eating his food and started to sleep on the couch. I figure that if he wants to treat me like a roomate, I will act like a roomate and completely cut him off from sex and sleep on the couch. I have been feeling so empty and it's making me wonder why I am with him.  I found out that when he was younger his mother didn't want anything to do with him and that it was only till he ws a teenager that she just got involved in his life.  His father is a lot like him.  Another thing I don't like is that he doesn't understand why I get upset about him looking at internet porn/girls.  At first it really didn't bother me then the more I thought about it, It did bother me.  He can look at other woman and can't say he loves me or even show me he loves me. That is why I feel so crappy.  I'm not getting or feeling any love from him.  It all comes down to this ring he bought me.........I think it was a "shut up" ring.  He doesn't like to talk about setting a date (It's been 3 months) he told his friend when he asked when were getting married 2 years from now.  I gave back the ring and now I'm thinking I made a mistake. I'm feeling really confused because I love him. I have already spoke to him about how I feel and he sais that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't care or love me.  How can I get him to say he loves me and to start being a fiance instead of a roomate.   Or, am I really wasting my time with this one.  He woke up this morning and just left to work without saying goodbye.  He's making out like nothing is wrong or like he doesn't care.  Any Ideas?
you may also want to check out this website...www.heartless-bitches.com  and look under the manipulator files.  you will find all of the info that you need regarding this type of individual
 
December 30, 2005, 4:31 pm CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: sleepycf

you may also want to check out this website...www.heartless-bitches.com  and look under the manipulator files.  you will find all of the info that you need regarding this type of individual
should you really have to ask he told you not to eat his food if this is your fiancee things like that should never come out his mouth so what would would happen  if you got married what would change you had to hitch a ride home is he crazy this makes me angry please really reconsider this future disaster.
 
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