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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Number of Replies: 960
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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June 3, 2008, 5:53 pm CDT

At 23, you've got some time...

Quote From: jigsgal

ME AND MY B/F ARE 3 MONTHS AWAY FROM BEING TOGETHER 3 YEARS.  WE MOVED IN TOGETHER AFTER A YEAR AND A HALF. THINGS ARE GREAT.  IM WORRIED IF HE DOESNT PROPOSE B4 OUR 3 YEAR MARK I WILL NO LONGER BE WILLING TO WAIT.  I LOVE HIM TO DEATH BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A LONG TERM COMMITED RELATIONSHIP.  IM 23 RIGHT NOW AND HE IS 27.  IVE BROUGHT UP THIS TOPIC ALOT!! AND HE ALWAYS SAY THAT HE WANTS THINGS TO BE PERFECT. NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT.  ON THE SAME NOTE HE HAS ALSO TOLD ME THAT HE WANTS TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH ME.  HE ALSO TOLD ME THAT HE WOULD NOT HAVE MOVED IN WITH ME IF HE DIDNT PLAN ON MARRYING ME.  SO SHOULD I KEEP WAITING ON SOMETHING THAT MAY NEVER HAPPEN.? OR JUST KEEP WAITING?  I FEEL LIKE AFTER A YEAR YOU SHOULD KNOW IF YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEBODY.  ESPECIALLY IF YOU SPEND TIME WITH THEM EVERYDAY.  PLEASE HELP ME MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.   

I think you need to ask your boyfriend what needs to change in his life or your relationship with him in order for it to be "perfect". If it is a reasonable goal then you both needs to work towards that in an allotted amount of time.  If his reasons are unreasonable then you need to express your feelings and work towards setting reasonable goals that can be obtained by the both of you.

I realize that you are in panic mode but if this is a good relationship don't ruin it by making ultimatiums that you can't keep or don't want to keep.  Instead find a mutual ground and set some goals and some timelines.   If you were 30 I think I may have answered your reply differently but at 23 years old you've got a whole lot of time on your side to weigh your options and feels him out for quite some time.

If you are adamant on getting engaged in 3 months and give him the ultimatium - put a ring on my finger or I'm leaving - are you willing to follow through with that threat or lose the man that you love?

 

I can't tell you what to do - only you can make this important decision but I really think you need to have a heart to heart discussion with him and explain your fears to him and what's going on inside your head.

Good luck

 
June 12, 2008, 10:52 am CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: sandy0914

I think you need to ask your boyfriend what needs to change in his life or your relationship with him in order for it to be "perfect". If it is a reasonable goal then you both needs to work towards that in an allotted amount of time.  If his reasons are unreasonable then you need to express your feelings and work towards setting reasonable goals that can be obtained by the both of you.

I realize that you are in panic mode but if this is a good relationship don't ruin it by making ultimatiums that you can't keep or don't want to keep.  Instead find a mutual ground and set some goals and some timelines.   If you were 30 I think I may have answered your reply differently but at 23 years old you've got a whole lot of time on your side to weigh your options and feels him out for quite some time.

If you are adamant on getting engaged in 3 months and give him the ultimatium - put a ring on my finger or I'm leaving - are you willing to follow through with that threat or lose the man that you love?

 

I can't tell you what to do - only you can make this important decision but I really think you need to have a heart to heart discussion with him and explain your fears to him and what's going on inside your head.

Good luck

Thanks alot! I will definetly have a talk with him because he is too good of a man for me to just give up!
 
June 12, 2008, 10:26 pm CDT

Confused??

Me and my boyfriend has been together for about 3 years. when we met we both were in a relationship but not happy with the partners we had. we got together and have been together ever since. we were very happy and everything was going good i thought then opps! i found out he was lying to me about things like where he worked he lied to me . I suspected he was seeing someone else he denied this to the end he then came home with some pics that he destroyed and said they were nothing. well i forgave him things got better but after lying to me about several things its hard to trust him. today we are back on a rocky relationship again but what makes it harder now is we have a baby together. we argue about stupid stuff and he blames it all on me and he has said on several occasions he dosent love me then he turns around and says well i do love you, then sometimes he will say he dosent think will last then he will turn around and say we will. He is confusing me I dont know what to believe anymore I feel like he is just waiting for the right moment to leave like when he finds someone else. Then I think maybe Iam just over reacting Iam so confused WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT SHOULD I THINK? PLEASE HELP
 
June 15, 2008, 5:58 am CDT

No, you're not over reacting

Quote From: sasha211

Me and my boyfriend has been together for about 3 years. when we met we both were in a relationship but not happy with the partners we had. we got together and have been together ever since. we were very happy and everything was going good i thought then opps! i found out he was lying to me about things like where he worked he lied to me . I suspected he was seeing someone else he denied this to the end he then came home with some pics that he destroyed and said they were nothing. well i forgave him things got better but after lying to me about several things its hard to trust him. today we are back on a rocky relationship again but what makes it harder now is we have a baby together. we argue about stupid stuff and he blames it all on me and he has said on several occasions he dosent love me then he turns around and says well i do love you, then sometimes he will say he dosent think will last then he will turn around and say we will. He is confusing me I dont know what to believe anymore I feel like he is just waiting for the right moment to leave like when he finds someone else. Then I think maybe Iam just over reacting Iam so confused WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT SHOULD I THINK? PLEASE HELP

So this guy has you an an emotional roller coaster ride from hell and you're wondering when it's time to jump off?  I'd say the time is now.  Trust has to be the foundation for any relationship to survive.  Trust has to be earned over a long period of time and once it is broken many find it hard to regain as their partners still exhibit signs of being untrustworthy.  He is playing emotional head games with you, he loves you and then he doesn't, this relationship will last and then it won't - an you wonder why you are confused.  How can you trust him and feel safe and secure in this relationship when his actions and words are so hurtful?

People lie when they are hiding something that they know their partner would not approve of.

Because you have a baby now it really is time to make a decision regarding this guy.  Is this the type of relationship you want your child to be in the middle of?  Do you want your child to hear those hateful words that he says to you ?  You need to be a role model for your child starting now.  If mom is being disrespected and treated unkindly then mom needs to show her child that this is not normal and teach your child that staying in a bad relationship is no way to live. 

 
June 20, 2008, 4:09 pm CDT

I'm ready but he is still married!

K I  met my dear boyfreind online. I  was seperated at the time. He was still married. He loved in a different town and I  talked to him and listened to him every night ther where nights where he would sing me to sleep over the phone. Well he has moved up to my town and we have a 8 month old boy together. He is a father to my daughter and I  homeschooled one of his boys last year. We are a family.. But I want to be his wife. I have sense divorced the abusive guy I was with and now I want ot be a wife and mother to our kids. how can I  get him to start the divorce procedings? I Know that it costs like 150 here to go through the courts and I know that we are strapped for cash. (  we suport his wife and her boyfriend also. ) I  am so ready. I know that he loves me and that he wants to be a family but I think he is scared that she is going to put up a fight about stuff. He left everything to her. ( but the kids one is 18 and one is 13.) We ussually have the younger of the kids and the older wants to live in his own town. She doesnt want to be divorced agian. this would be her second and I  want to be married. Help
 
June 23, 2008, 12:37 pm CDT

Living together does not work

Quote From: promising

I'm all for living together before formalizing the engagement. 

If one's intent in marrying is only personal gain and living together is purely to "check them out first", then the marriage will probably have problems. Relationahips work when the intent of the marriage is agape (sacrificial) love. When one puts the other before themselves (and they both do it for this reason), it is highly unlikely that anything will happen to break the union. In that event where is the problem with living each other prior to marriage?  

Furthermore, in this day living together afore marriage no longer has a social stigma attached to it because it is now the norm, for the most part. 

I hope and pray that other couples share the happiness my boyfriend and I possess together, a promising relationship, a home and a life filled with love. Everything else, is mere material. 

The research has shown that couples who live together prior to marriage are three times more likely to divorce than couples who do not live together.

 

I saw this on CNN just a few years ago.

 
July 6, 2008, 5:28 pm CDT

answers!

Quote From: jaimie1974

I have a few questions for you: If he was divorced, would he marry you tomorrow? Is this something that the two of you have talked about? If money was not a concern and if his wifes issues were not a concern, would he file for a divorce today?
Your boyfriend should be focusing on what is right and best for his children. He is the strongest male role model that they will ever have; right now, he is modeling for them that it is normal to have a wife as well as a girlfriend who you have children with. Instead, he should be doing the right thing, and that is to get a divorce! Whether he is going to get married again or not, he should get a divorce. He should go to the court house, file divorce papers- in the areas that pertain to the visitation/custody of the children, he should write the visitation schedule that they share now, and then pay the fee and file. It is really that simple! If she (the wife) does not want a divorce; that is too bad! I think that your boyfriend will discover that his wife is just as afraid of what he might want in the process of a divorce as he is scared of what she might demand. They share similar fears, but the best way to overcome those fears is to face them. For the integrity of his family, it is the right thing to do. If he stalls, continuing to put off filing for a divorce, I urge you to ask him what his long-term plan is for your life together. Does he want to just continue to live together, raising your children together, while he remains married to his wife? That would be disrespectful to you and your precious children. You deserve more. I wish you the best!
Yes we would be married with in a month or 2 if he where divorced. I think some of the reason is that he is worred about her heath. ( she is having open heart sugury this month) Sher is 44 I bel;ieve andso it's not  garenteed thing going into it. He is 40 aand is torn between helping his kidsad not making herlook like the B**** that she has become. I  talk to his mm almost eveyday, She hastold me several times that people ther are not in the least suprized that they are sepeated she was cheating on him when they liv 5 years ago. She hasa BF living with her now and they are still needing moremoney then what they bring n. I  am just kinda tierd of being the other woma here. I  kow he loves me with all his heart but  aso hear him tell her that he loves here and if he doesnt she tells the kids that are wit he that he did something mean or said something mean and they stop talking to him for weeks on end. I  think it would be best for them tomove here but that isjust my opinion.  feel like I  am being put seconda lit but he wors close to 90 hours a week at work and get's side jobs that take himaway from us more.. He comes home every nioght t us and I  am not wrried that he is seeing anyoe else It is just kinda depressing it will be 2 years augst we have been dating and still not any close to being his wife. :( I  know he wants to wait til have sex even till weare married! ( we do have a aby together but we are trying to do the right thing here) no one believes me when I say we sleep in the sme bed and I havent been touched in 9 months! they think I am full f poo!
 
July 6, 2008, 5:42 pm CDT

Should I marry him?

I have dated my child's father for 3 years. We got engaged October 2007. Things between us aren't all that good and I don't want to make a mistake on marrying him. But I just can't seem to leave him. We fight over the pettiest things and he is very stubborn, he always has to have the last word and whatever he says he has to be right. I love him very much but, our relationship has even gotten to the point of being abusive. Verbal, mental, and even physical. He apologizes and we're good for a couple of days but then something else happens and we're right back at it again. He smokes weed, he just recently got a steady job after being unemployed for almost 7 months. We both still live with our parents which is also a problem. His mother kind of gets on my nerves, and my parents gets on his nerves, even to the point where I have to drive over to his house just to see him!! My father has already expressed to me that this was unacceptable, me coming home all kinds of hours in the night, and my fiance not bringing me home. That has yet to change. I don't know what it is or what I am doing wrong but I am not very happy. He used to make me very happ. He was never the outgoing type, and even now that we have a baby, if we go out she can't. I don't know if it is because he wants to smoke and he knows he can't do that with her in the car. Or if he just thinks she is some trophy that he has to put in a case. There is so much going on between us, its just so hard to leave. I feel like if I leave I won't have anything left. He has isolated me from my whole family to the point where when I am at home, I can't stand to be there. We have planned on moving in together but I don't feel like that is a good idea. PLEASE HELP!!!

 

 
July 7, 2008, 6:00 am CDT

Definately not a good idea

Quote From: naimahs_angel

I have dated my child's father for 3 years. We got engaged October 2007. Things between us aren't all that good and I don't want to make a mistake on marrying him. But I just can't seem to leave him. We fight over the pettiest things and he is very stubborn, he always has to have the last word and whatever he says he has to be right. I love him very much but, our relationship has even gotten to the point of being abusive. Verbal, mental, and even physical. He apologizes and we're good for a couple of days but then something else happens and we're right back at it again. He smokes weed, he just recently got a steady job after being unemployed for almost 7 months. We both still live with our parents which is also a problem. His mother kind of gets on my nerves, and my parents gets on his nerves, even to the point where I have to drive over to his house just to see him!! My father has already expressed to me that this was unacceptable, me coming home all kinds of hours in the night, and my fiance not bringing me home. That has yet to change. I don't know what it is or what I am doing wrong but I am not very happy. He used to make me very happ. He was never the outgoing type, and even now that we have a baby, if we go out she can't. I don't know if it is because he wants to smoke and he knows he can't do that with her in the car. Or if he just thinks she is some trophy that he has to put in a case. There is so much going on between us, its just so hard to leave. I feel like if I leave I won't have anything left. He has isolated me from my whole family to the point where when I am at home, I can't stand to be there. We have planned on moving in together but I don't feel like that is a good idea. PLEASE HELP!!!

 

I can't think of one reason after reading your post as to why you would even consider  staying in this relationship.  He is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive.  Do you really think that just because you two get married all of this abuse will magically disappear?  Not a chance.

Yes, it may be hard to leave him because you two have a history together as well as a child.  Moving on is scary.  You don't want to be alone so you stay in a bad relationship.  You have to think of your child.  Do you want to bring up your child in this abusive dysfunctional relationship?  Do you want her to suffer at the hands of her parents because for whatever reason they feel obligated to live with eachother fully knowing that their relationship is troubled and abusive?  Why would you even consider bringing up your child in that kind of environment?

Take a hard look at your fiancees character, morals and values.  He's stubborn, he always has to be right (which in turn makes you wrong), he smokes weed, hasn't held a job in over 7 months, he's selfish and tremendously immature and is emotionally and physically abusive.  And you wonder why you are not happy!  This guy is no good for you or your daughter and you are absolutely 100% correct in questioning your future plans with him.  You know he is all wrong for you - listen to your gut instinct.

If you leave you have everything - your self esteem, your self worth, self respect  and a beautiful child to love and teach her life lessons.  You are her role model.  She may not understand now but in years to come she will understand and mimic your actions.  To never allow any man to abuse her, to stand up for herself, to not be afraid of dumping a guy who is abusive etc...  The way I see it, this is a win win situation for you.  A chance to start your life over without this selfish, immature, abusive guy weighing you down.  You ask what you are doing wrong - you are showing him you will take all the crap that he dishes your way and you will stay there and take it all because you love him.  In my book, that's not love.   What do you love about this guy?  Make a list of his good qualities and his bad qualities - let me know what you come up with.

 
July 7, 2008, 7:22 am CDT

Thanks ALOT!!!

Quote From: sandy0914

I can't think of one reason after reading your post as to why you would even consider  staying in this relationship.  He is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive.  Do you really think that just because you two get married all of this abuse will magically disappear?  Not a chance.

Yes, it may be hard to leave him because you two have a history together as well as a child.  Moving on is scary.  You don't want to be alone so you stay in a bad relationship.  You have to think of your child.  Do you want to bring up your child in this abusive dysfunctional relationship?  Do you want her to suffer at the hands of her parents because for whatever reason they feel obligated to live with eachother fully knowing that their relationship is troubled and abusive?  Why would you even consider bringing up your child in that kind of environment?

Take a hard look at your fiancees character, morals and values.  He's stubborn, he always has to be right (which in turn makes you wrong), he smokes weed, hasn't held a job in over 7 months, he's selfish and tremendously immature and is emotionally and physically abusive.  And you wonder why you are not happy!  This guy is no good for you or your daughter and you are absolutely 100% correct in questioning your future plans with him.  You know he is all wrong for you - listen to your gut instinct.

If you leave you have everything - your self esteem, your self worth, self respect  and a beautiful child to love and teach her life lessons.  You are her role model.  She may not understand now but in years to come she will understand and mimic your actions.  To never allow any man to abuse her, to stand up for herself, to not be afraid of dumping a guy who is abusive etc...  The way I see it, this is a win win situation for you.  A chance to start your life over without this selfish, immature, abusive guy weighing you down.  You ask what you are doing wrong - you are showing him you will take all the crap that he dishes your way and you will stay there and take it all because you love him.  In my book, that's not love.   What do you love about this guy?  Make a list of his good qualities and his bad qualities - let me know what you come up with.

I really thank you for the words of wisdom. You don't know how many times I have threatened to leave and in the end, it only lasts for about 2 hours. He is very insensitive so when I say I'm leaving...he seems like he doesn't even care. It always falls back on me because I want him to care deep down inside, and it frustrates me to know that if I leave he won't even try to come after me. He says he loves me but he has a weird way of showing it. I have even caught him watching porn over 3 times...I talked to him and told him how I felt about it...then I saw an email that he wrote to one of his ex girlfriends!! I questioned him about it and he had no explaination. He always tells me that he's never cheated on me, that he would never do that to me, and yet he's been scheming gthe whole time. He has screen names for sites such as Bootytube, friend finder, and sex search. But on the sites he lies about his age and where he lives. It is still unacceptable. Lord knows I want to just end it now, but I know it will be hard. We made so many plans for our future and now none of it will happen....

 
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