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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Number of Replies: 960
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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October 9, 2008, 4:48 pm CDT

Questions, questions

My 20 year old daughter has just announced that her and her boyfriend are going to be engaged.

My issues are:

1 - She has not received a ring as of yet, which she thinks she should help pay for!! I don't agree with this, if he wants to get married then he needs to pay for the ring. Old fashioned thinking, I don't know.

2 - After telling my niece, her friend later mentions she thought that he was gay. This concerns me because I don't want my daughter to be hurt. I have noticed that he is perhaps what might be considered "soft" some of his actions are feminine. We live in a very small city that is religious and there are no openingly gay men living here. His religion doesn't accept "gayness" at all. Is he marrying to discourage his true sexual feelings. They are practicing chasity or does he just not interest in having sex with a female? He has slept over on several occassions and  intercourse has not taking place, though I don't know about touching. He is 23 how does he have that much self control to sleep with a female but not try anything. Help I don't know what to do??? I just don't want my daughter to be hurt.

 

Summerjan

 

 
October 9, 2008, 5:55 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: summerjan5

My 20 year old daughter has just announced that her and her boyfriend are going to be engaged.

My issues are:

1 - She has not received a ring as of yet, which she thinks she should help pay for!! I don't agree with this, if he wants to get married then he needs to pay for the ring. Old fashioned thinking, I don't know.

2 - After telling my niece, her friend later mentions she thought that he was gay. This concerns me because I don't want my daughter to be hurt. I have noticed that he is perhaps what might be considered "soft" some of his actions are feminine. We live in a very small city that is religious and there are no openingly gay men living here. His religion doesn't accept "gayness" at all. Is he marrying to discourage his true sexual feelings. They are practicing chasity or does he just not interest in having sex with a female? He has slept over on several occassions and  intercourse has not taking place, though I don't know about touching. He is 23 how does he have that much self control to sleep with a female but not try anything. Help I don't know what to do??? I just don't want my daughter to be hurt.

 

Summerjan

 

You are right, he should pay for the ring!  It should be a sacrafice on his part.  After all, this is a token of his love for her, if he is not willing to do this...then......well...You said it's a small community, prayer for your daughter is the best and most important thing you can do for her, let God take care of the rest. Sometimes our children don't always do what is best for them, they are clouded by peer pressure and feelings that are not real.  If you are a Christian you know that prayer can provide you will the answers that you need.  Allow God to use you to speak to your daughter.  Pray that if this is the boy for your daughter that God will open up doors and their relationship will flourish and if it's not he will open your daughters eyes up to see that. 

I will pray for you and your daughter right now. 

 
October 12, 2008, 2:52 am CDT

That is very true.

Quote From: jaimie1974

I agree (with the other poster) that your boyfriend should have a bachelor party if that is what he wants- but he should WANT to talk to you about it beforehand, and to attempt to put your mind at ease regarding the events that will take place. From what you describe, there is probably nothing that he can say or do that will actually put your mind at ease, since you admit that you are jealous of strippers he might encounter. (But, he should still try!) Then, it is up to you. It is all in your hands to decide if you can accept the promises he makes to you to be faithful. If this party will make him happy, just remember that he will be coming home to you a happy man.
A committed relationship will have many compromises and this is a situation that you have to compromise with him over. Of course it is understandable that you worry he will cheat; but if he is the stand-up kind of man that you believe he is, then he isnt going to do that. No amount of alcohol can make a man cheat unless he has that intention in the first place.

I think she should also have a bachlerotte party where there are male strippers and hookers. The only way to know if you can remain faithful would be under those circumstances. I believe these parties are made so that the almost married, will get a last hurrah with someone other then their spouses since they will only have each other for the rest of their lives. This is the last sex with someone else. I believe protection must be performed since now there will be other people to be concerned with. Once the party is done, so is the sex, then marriage and committment are the deal.

 

If one thinks about it, why would people need strippers and hookers at a party that wasn't going to include sex? I think she has every right to be concerned, especially since this is what typically goes on. I think they need to give eachother permission to have sex that one nite only, if that is what they want. But I don't think either one needs to discuss it in detail......just know it happened, and move on.

 
October 17, 2008, 2:07 pm CDT

newly married

Quote From: aublin16

ok my husband and i got married on june 28, 2008. and we have been fighting ever since. before we got married life was perfect. we never had problems and didn't fight. but after the marriage everything changed. he has become controling and kind of an jerk. he doesn't want me to go with my friends or have fun without him there. and if i do go out he has to know where i am going, who i am with, and when i'll be home. he always throws this little "feel sorry for me" fits. he acts like a 5 yr old. i reall don't feel the same about him anymore and i am thinking about ending the marriage. but he wants to work it out. we both desided that we got married to young b/c i am almost 21 and he almost 20, but we don't want to devorce. i just don't know what to do anymore. im not sure if i love him anymore. he is just to different. so should i wait and try to work it out? or should i just run while i can? what should i do?

You and your husband are finding that marriage, does change some things in your relationship, however it does not have to be for the worse. first of all set him straight that you are not going to put up with his controling ways and being a jerk when he does not get his own way. You may be a couple, but you are still an individual, who had rights and needs. If neither of you want to get a divorce, then get your buts to marriage counselling and set the foundation and ground rules and talk about all the things that are going to come up in your marriage, ie parenting, insurance, new home,money, were to work, were to live, ect.

You also have to let him know that the person you signed up with for a life long commitment has suddenly dissapered and you want that guy back lol. It is not right nor fair for a person to bait and switch after the ink has dried. He needs to understand that both of you need your freind time and your couple time, if he is feeling insecure about your freindships that needs to be addressed. A word of advice hun, please put of starting your family untill this is all resolved. It is far better for a child to have two happy healthy parents who want a child to love, rather than two miserable parents who want a child to "fix" their marriage.

You sound like a mature young lady so i think you already know the right thing to do is not to start your family untill this is firmly resolved one way or another.

Get into counselling, both of you and individually for both of you, there are individual issues and marital issues that really need to be resolved here.

you may find that after some counselling sessions you find that you made a mistake and need to sever the marital tie, that is ok, but please seek professional help to help you both make the best possible decision for both of you. If he is not willing to seek proffesional help and get on baord with you to try to build a marriage, then I would have to say cut your losses and seek proffessional support for yourself. If he is on board with it, give it a sincere effort, and see what resolution can come from the help. good luck!

Tammy

 
November 14, 2008, 8:18 am CST

how long is too long to wait?

 Hi Everyone,

I would appreciate some advice on my situation since friends and family although encouraging are hesitant to really voice their opinion. Instead, they tell me to follow my heart and everything will work out.

I've been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years. I am 27 and he is 32. We both still live at home with out families due to cultural beliefs.

From the very beginning, my boyfriend let me know that his intention was to get married. We come from two very traditional families and as a result we are expected to grow up, get married and have kids.

Although I'm traditional, I'm a little more rebellious in my beliefs. At first, I was not sure if I ever REALLY wanted to settle down.

Two years into our relationship I approached him about settling down. At that time I was thinking about possibly living together. He told me that he didn't want to do that since ultimately he wanted to get married. We agreed to disagree and left it at that since I was still in school.

At the 3 year mark, I brought up the question of commitment again. THis time, I told him that I had changed my mind and that I could see myself getting married. He told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. This gave me hope.

Last May, I approached the situation again and got rather upset. I told him that we've been together nearly 4 years and our relationship was not moving ahead. He never speaks to me about marriage, never brings up the topic - but, If I bring it up he tells me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We are currently at the four and a half year mark. I've given him the benefit of the doubt. I've been patient. I've waited and still nothing.

He recently lost his job and i'm wondering if I should be even more patient because of this. Part of me says that he was making really good money for so many years he should not have any excuses. The other part of me wants to hold on and be patient some more.

I'm really at a loss. I have no idea what to do anymore. When confronted he tells me that he loves me and that he wants to get married but then does absolutely nothing about it.

What would you do? Would you continue waiting or would you just give up? I love him dearly but at this point I need to love myself too.
 
November 25, 2008, 2:35 pm CST

I need some advice please

Hi everyone,

I have been living with my boyfriend now for almost a year (feb will be 1 year) we have been together for 2 years now. He is 34 and I will be 31 in feb. I am ready to get engaged as all my friends are getting married and taking the next step. Some even having children. I bring this up with him at least once a week and the last time we spoke about this he explained to me that work is very tuff right now. He has 6 major accounts while the rest of the men on his team have 2 or 3. He told me that I am not wasting my time being with him (b/c I said that he needs to let me know if he wants what I want). If we are not on the same page I must move home.

 

My father told me that at his house the other day for a family party he pulled my dad aside and said he will be speaking with him shortly. So I am sure he meant about the engagement.

 

I am just anxious and don't know what or if he is planning anything. He told me for christmas I will be getting clothes since for my new job I need that.

 

If you all can give me some advice please let me know.

 
December 1, 2008, 9:08 am CST

i don't know what to do?!!!

i met that italian guy three months before, we hang out, we talk about everything and nothing, he went back to italy (because i live in Moroco with my family), he keeps calling me everyday....he wants to marry me

the problem is that i don't know if he's the one for me? i don't know how i will be sure of that?

he's 37 years old and still lives wwith his family!! he doesn't have a stable job, he works if he finds a good business... i mean why did he choose me? why me? why a morocan girl? he's 37 years and has the oportunity to know a lot of italian girls...? i mean why at this age, he's not married yet?

he said he used to love another girl but she let him down and then he lost this hope for marriage but when he knew me, he felt like he wants to start from 0 with me.

in addition to this, i have a good job, i'm really satisfied, i still continue my studies, and i'm happy, so i should let go all this to go there with him. how will i be sure that my life with him will be just the same or better than my life now? how will be sure that he will take care of me? how will i be sure that he doesn't lie on me? should i risk my life here and go? (knowing that there's a big crisis there?

please help me because it's driving me crazy

 
December 5, 2008, 4:10 pm CST

In love, but scared.

Hey Everyone!

I'm totally in love with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, and he's an amazing guy. One year ago, he worked out on the Oil Rigs with men who were less than reputable, and made a mistake. He asked a friend of his online for bad pictures of her. I have no problem saying that him and I do not have sex (not for religious reasons), and obviously this whole incident caused a huge riff between us. He no longer lives on the rigs.

Ever since, he has been a model boyfriend. Sends me cards in the mail for no reason just to say he loves me, wakes up at 4am just to give me a call before I have to go into work and work the early shift so I'm not all alone, etc. He tells me every day that he loves me more than anything in life, and that I am the girl for him. And I know he's not lying. What he's saying is true and I can feel the love from him.

For some reason, I cannot let go of what happened with this other girl. I didn't see it coming before, because he had been a great boyfriend before that, and am now afraid all the time that I'm being naiive and afraid that if I let my guard down, I won't see that coming again (or even possibly something worse). I don't want to hold it over his head forever, but it still worries me. I have bad dreams, and he's very supportive of helping me with all of that.

First of all, what are your thoughts on the whole situation? Am I being crazy? Most importantly, what can I do to get over this and move on with this guy who seems to want to treat me like a princess? He continually talks about us getting married within the next 3 years (we need a better financial start first), but when he talks about it I get so excited, followed by fear that I'll be oblivious to something going on that will break my heart again.
 
Please respond. I feel so helpless.


 
December 30, 2008, 11:25 pm CST

I may be ready for Marriage

Hey there,

I am 27 years old and my partner and I have been together for 8 years now. We have had lots of fun and really got to know one another in that time. We had numerous family members and friends asking when we are getting married into the 3rd and 4th year of our relationship. We just weren't ready as we were only 21 and 22 years old. We have done so much during our time together and achieved so much, and glad that we did not make that committment so early in our relationship. We are just going to get a joint bank account as well as we did not want to get one earlier as we both had debt that needed paying and we both feel financially stable to commit our funds together now than we did before. We are planning to get engaged in March 2009 and marry in 2010. I do think that we thought long and hard about our relationship and committed on the trust and love for one another before making that ultimate committment to one another..marriage. We have come so far and i do think we are both ready. Our son is healthy and in school now and is striving (top of his class in reading & writing) in everything he does.We do not argue in front of him ,we walk away from the situation and talk where he cannot see us or we wait until he has gone to bed.

We knew what we were getting ourselves into when we got together and when we both had our beautiful son.

 
December 30, 2008, 11:26 pm CST

2nd part to message below

Is this READY enough for marriage??

Your help is greatly appreciated!!

 
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