Quote From: galateaMy boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. We have been together for over a year and have lived together going on 4 months. We know we are ment to be together we have been glued at the hip since we first started dating. However, I do have a concern. I recently found out my boyfriend witnessed abuse. Is it true that if a child was abused or witnessed abuse he will grow up and be an abuser. I have always thought they end up just like the abuser. But, does it mean that every abused child will grow up like their abuser? My boyfriend's father abused his mother physically, and emotionally and sexually. My boyfriend didn't tell me this though, his mother did, and when I asked my boyfriend to talk about it with me he got extremely upset and said when he is ready he will tell me, but he siad he won't be ready for a very long time. I'm a strong woman and I wouldn't stay with a man that abuses me no matter what form it is in. My boyfriend has never been abusive to me. We have gotten into some huge arguements but he has never raised his hand to me, and never sexually abused me. As far as emotional abuse, he has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. When we have had our arguments in the past he does get right up in my face. I love my boyfriend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. However, I'm now afraid that he will end up being like his father. Will he be? what do you think? I don't want to get married and then find out he is abusive. He won't talk to me about it at all but he has insured me that if he ever became abusive he would leave me cause he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Am I looking too much into this? I want to tell my boyfriend everything his mother told me but his mother has also binded me to secrecy and I know he will go back to his mother if I tell him. I can't stop thinking about this, and what I should do. I decided to just wait it out and see if he will ever tell me about his childhood.
When I read your story it made me think of the horror stories my mother had told me. I am only 24 but come from a very colourful history. My mum being the oldest of 9 kids grew up with a very abusive father, not only did he abuse my nan but also my mum and her siblings, emotionally, physically and sexually. Did they all end up the abuser? No, not all, but one of my uncles learning from him did sexually molest me when I was about 9. My mum on the other hand was the absolute opposite of what she grew up with. Never did she lay a hand on me or was abusive to me at all, some of my other uncles have never abused their kids or wives. It's not as cut and dry as saying yes or no, really the decision to be an abuser is the persons. As for whether or not you should trust your boyfriend, well only you can decide on that one. You have this information, use it to keep an eye out for any signs but don't be paranoid with it. It's not easy opening up and talking about any type of abuse, witnessing or otherwise. He knows your concerns and hopefully in time he will open up about it understanding that it is important to him moving on and also important to your relationship going forward. I do believe that he is probably just trying to bury what he remembers, I can guarantee you that those memories are something that probably haunt him and are hard for him to deal with. Be patient, if you love him which I believe you do, then just be patient but don't forget yourself in this either and what's important to you to know and be sure of. Remember this is something that will be a part of him and who he is forever.
And as for telling him what his mother told you, I would say best not to do that. From my own personal experience I know that if you aren't ready to talk about it, you aren't ready to talk about it, no matter how hard someone pushes the issue. I didn't remember my abuse until I was about 15, it took me until I was 19 to finally deal with it and tell my family and friends about it so I could deal with it. I had to be ready to do that, just as he will have to be. Again, patience is important. Good Luck and I hope you guys go forward and have a great and wonderful loving life together!
