Topic : Ready for Marriage?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year.  2 months ago we moved in together and at that time discussed that we would get married and "make it right" when we could.  I moved in at that time due to needing to get out of my house and it was either move in with him or some of my family..long story.  Anyways.  I have been through 2 marriages and he has been through 2 bad relationships.  He has talked about marriage on several occasions but never really come out and ask.  Then on occasions he will make comments that makes me think that he doesn't want to as he is afraid things will end badly.  We have a great relationship.  In the year we have been together we have not even had one arguement.  We get along so well and enjoy being together.  The other night he asked me when I was going to propose to him, that times were changing and the girl could ask the guy now days.  Maybe I am off base but am wondering if he is wanting to but is scared to ask me and get rejected even though I wouldn't reject him at all.  I know he has brought it up a few times then the subject gets changed like he gets cold feet.  He was married before and it ended badly then dated someone for many years that ended badly.  Both times he wanted those relationships to work and it was not wrong doing on his part.  He got screwed over and lost everything in both relationships.  I can understand him being scared.  He also knows I went through the same thing in both of my marriages.  So my question is.  Do you think he is wanting me to ask him?

If he "hinted" that times are changing and that YOU should propose, then that is a clear signal that he would like you to ask him. Or, at least, the two of you should discuss it together and make a plan; that way there is no official "proposal" and instead, it is two adults making a decision to get married. There is nothing wrong with either one of those scenarios. If this is something that you really want, then go for it!

Thank you, I felt he was hinting and I really do want to get married to him. He has made me happier than I have ever been. I want to plan something to ask him in a special way as he is a very special person to me.

I caught the end of an episode that was talking about a survey of sorts for pre-marriage. Things that may not be an issue, but could be if they aren't talked about before hand. I wasn't able to locate it so I was curious if someone could help. Thanks.

I ran across this message board today wile googling. I am just currious on what I should do.  I will be 30 this year. My boyfriend and I have been together scence 2003. He has asked me to marry him w/o a ring. He and I have spoke about it here and there, I usually dont bring it up. I suppose I dont want to sound to pushy. He keeps saying his grandpa is not getting any younger...he wants him there...has told me to plan it and he would show up...all of thease little things. I just dont know where to take it. He also told me over thanks giving of 2008 he wanted children... I guess  my point is I dont know where to turn at this point, Do i just point blank ask him what the heck were going to do or just keep "playing house"????

 Well here it goes. I was recently engaged and I dont Know if that was the right move. I have never been married and I have custody of my 10 year old child. It has been she and I for the past 8 years. I have had several relationships in that time but none of them ever showed any promise of a future. I have been dating this girl for about a year and a half. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage of 10 years. She is now living with her parents and has been kinda pressuring me to get married for about a year now. I do love her and she has great kids. I know with kids that the situation is alot more compicated. We get along pretty good but we have had a few small disagreements. I kinda worry that  a big part of why she wants to get married is so that she can move in with us so that I can take care of her and her kids. She does work full time and makes decent money. It has just been me and my little girl for the past 8 years and I dont know how this is gonna work out if we get married. I will have a lot more responcibility. How do I know if this is gonna work before I say "I do".  Maybe im just afraid of change or commitment.

I have an issue I need some advise on.   I have dated a woman for 2 1/2 years.  We have known each other for 15 years as friends.   We stared dating in Nov 2006.   In April 2007 I sensed something was bothering her so we talked.  She admitted she had received an E mail from a guy she dated for 8 years and broke up just prior to being with me...  Thay had alot of issues and she said she could never marry him because of his control issues.   Anyway she said the E mail bothered her and she just needed closure.   In July 2007 we were cleaning her garage and found a tackle box which belonged to his father.  We agreed he needed it back because it was his fathers.   Anyway it sat in garage until late Aug 2007 when I was out of town.  It bothered me she took it to him while I was out of town.  She said she sat it on porch and never saw him ( I belive her)   

In Oct 2007 I was snooping (shame on me) and found E mails on her computer.She said she thought about him often and always looked for him when we were out.   There were several responses and no indication that she had met him or that anything had ever happened or was going to happen as far as a meeting.  As a matter of fact in the mails he suggested meeting and she always just avoided the statement when he made them..  I confronted her and broke up with her.  We reconciled and in June 2008 she said once again she hadnt talked to him but just needed closure so she called him again.  I was furious and broke up with her again.  Once again after 2 months we reconciled... I have had alot of trouble believeing her heart was all mine and I felt and maybe still feel she still somewhat loves him.   This has eaten at me and I was miserable wondering if she wanted he or I.  We have been on and off since last fall numerous times.   We broke up again Dec 28 what I though was for the last time.  She was furious and insisted she was over him and was tired of living under a microscope.  Within a week or two they were back together and dating... I was out of town and when I returned the middle of Jan I had heard they were dating again.  I E mailed her and told her good luck and there were no hard feelings.  Within 4-5 days she had broke up with him and told him she was settling for him and she really loved me.  She said she apologized to him that she got back with him just because she was angry at me.... She said she has always loved me and has always said it was just closure issues with him and she didnt want him.   I guess I am trying to realize that if she wanted him she was with him and had him in her life again.   The fact she stopped dating him and wanted to be with  me again should tell me 100% she wants me.  I want to settle down and remarry but still have this fear that he is still in her heart.  How do I get over this and trust her that she has finally got the closure and wants me not him?

 

Any advise out there ?   I do Love Her but am scared to death to ask her to marry Me and have her need closure again inthe future with him.  ....

Listen, what is the difference between if a man was sitting on the fence or a woman? There is no difference. A fence is a fence is a fench. She is sitting on a fence of confusion. When we are confronted with a situation like yours, our ego wants us to stay and figure it out.....as if it is our job to make someone able to move off their fences....its not your job to help her make this decision. Now the question is : why is she sitting on the fence and do you want to take a big chance and marry someone that has already proven to you, uh, , somewhat unstable? Not in a bad way, ok? Just, unstable when it comes to her feelings about love....she doesn't sound like she is capable right now of giving you what you would need in a relationship, stabililty.

 

Also, her guilt of hurting his feelings? The opposite of love is not hate...it is indifference. She is sitll connected to him somehow....definately not indifferent.....so she is still attached to him....do you want someone that is not 100% available? Why would you want to settle for less? YOu have to really think about the person you are going to commit to...she just may not be one of those girls that....you want to take home to mother. :( 

Guess sometimes you dont want to hear or read what you wrote but I do think I needed to read it...... Thank You

I guess maybe Im looking for that Love that maybe doesnt exist.   That love that makes your heart skip a beat when you see her pull inthe driveway or see her name come up on caller ID.     Im beginning to wonder if she is really out there........

 

Thanks for advise

 

 

Loving someone isnt going to be the rush of adreneline every time we see their name pop up; thats more fear. Think about it. We are surprised, excited, when we see someone that we "love and want" show they are thinking of us by text, email, phone, etc. but real love, the love that sticks around, is more like a comfortable shoe...sorry for the cliche.

 

That kind of love takes time.....and it definately comes after the thrill/excitement has wanned. Real comes comes after the heart stops pounding because you are so happy to see each other. Real love comes after you have realized that no matter what happens, this person is going to still be there. From what you say, it seems she "bolt's" instead of sticks around? Am I wrong? If I am , I apologize.

 

You are setting yourself up for disappointment if you are looking for the kind of love you say because that is not love...that is a need to be wanted, accepted, by someone that you feel , under, kind of . I think she got a hold on your common sense. I am sure she is probably a very pretty girl, good body, smart...etc. Whatever it is that you feel is the "perfect" girl. When we put someone on a pedestal, eventually they will do something to knock themselves off of it. She knocked herself off the pedestal, but you still continue to place her up there.

 

Let me ask you something.....I am no expert...and I am also still trying to figure out how to attract healthy people into my life.....but what is your life like, minus her? Do you have friends tha you hang out with ? Do you belong to a club or organization that entails socializing? What I am getting at is do you have your own self taken care of ? Or are you disappointed because you thought you found someone that can make your life happy....and now itsgone because the prospect of her being gone, is possible?

 

When we look for completion and safety and love from outside sources, we are going to be disappointed. Look and see why you feel that just because this one person has is not able to love you , the way you want, the way you expect, that it is over? This is one person!!!  In my world there are millions of people just waiting for love from someone like yourself. ! Her inability to decide either way is no reflection on you as a person, but by allowing it to keep you thinking its all over for ever, ??????? That is.

 

Eventually you will look back and see that she did you a favor. Belive me. You will. I promise.