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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Number of Replies: 960
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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May 28, 2009, 10:24 pm CDT

Disgusting mistake...where do i go from here?

I would really appreciate any advise/similar experiences to help aid me in a horrific situation...

 

I have been dating the love of my life for almost 5 years now and living together for 2 years.  We met in college when we were young and he was "soiling his oates" but i always knew that we had something special and we were off and on for a few years because i knew that he wasnt ready to commit to me fully.  We have been through so much together over th years including myself getting him help for alcoholism, family issues, cervical cancer scares and deaths.

 

I have never been that type of girl who has felt the need to go from guy to guy and have had two committed, long lasting relationships thus far (sometimes regretted not being more "experimental").   I have always put my focus on school, helping others and love honestly.  I have been a "loyal" person my entire life i would say to all who surround me.  Until a few weeks ago.

 

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years and it has been great.  I love spending time with him, still get butterflies and he is a wonderful person.   I have been in school during this time and he works.  I have been in a very stressful time for awhile...and recently it went BOOM!

 

I graduated, closed on a condo (in my boyfriends name), got a job, am studying for my boards, and am in the process of moving.   To say the least i was stressed.   I returned to my familys home to relax and celebrate my graduation and after going out with a few friends decided to meet up with one of my buddies from college to celebrate (he also just graduated from school in another state).  i rarely lie to my boyfriend but decided it wasnt worth telling him i would be out for a few hours with this buddy and i have no sexual attraction anyways.  Went out with this boy ...i had at one point suspected he liked me back in college when i was single( but it never went through cause i have no sexual chemistry with him and i was always in love with my current boyfriend.)..needless to say he bought me a ton of shots and i blacked out.  i remember the cab ride briefly and a small bit afterward.  i woke up the next morning at his place devasted and realized i had sex.   i remember about 5 seconds of it and i believe i was trying to push this guy off and literally went limp.  It is disgusting.

 

I have been an emotional wreck ever since. I essentially ran out of there.  i was ballling and i never thought that this could happen.  this other guy was supposed to be my "friend" and he had a girlfriend of 2 years so i thought i was "safe" NOT saying i am not responsible and i should have never gone out with this guy in the first place behind my boyfriends back.

 

It is the single worst thing i have ever done.  I didnt think i had it in my character but i was wrong.  i dont believe once a cheater always a cheater!   i would never dream of getting myself in this situation again or wish this upon my worst enemy.

 

Questions are?   Should i live with this secret before i possibly get engaged (most likely in the next year) and deal with the repurcussions and carry my own burden or should i tell my boyfriend so i am not getting engaged to him without him knowing everything.   Its so hard because any way you look at it cheating is awful and horrible but i dont want to tell him to make myself feel better and have him hurting/not trusting for so many years when I know i will never do this again.  I also take engagement and marriage very seriously and its hard to seperate since we arent engaged/married yet.  I feel so confused because i really wasnt mad at him or doing this out of spite our relationship is amazing and i truly belive he is my soulmate.

 

Other:  I have been tested for STDs and have not had sexual intercourse with my partner since.  I am waiting for the results.  The only other person that knows is my best friend who lives in another state.  This guy has left also for another state and is permantely moving away.  I have told the guy i will never talk to him again and deleted all contact.

 

 
May 29, 2009, 3:34 am CDT

Definately seek these:

Quote From: springwa

Hi,

 

I met someone online and he lives in another state.  He has 4 children and the youngest is 5 yrs old and they are with him half of the time. I have one child and financially fine on my own.  We have discussed finances briefly, but I'm wondering how to figure that out?  He has four children to put through college, I have one.  What is fair?  Who pays for what? He has a house and an ex who lives two miles away that works.  She pays for her own expenses, but always looks to him to help her out.  She does not have a 401k or any savings or college fund for the kids.     How do I tackle this?

Those are legitimate and intelligent concerns and for the sake of the children and the adults, if a purchase is to be made, such as schooling, etc. knowing firsthand if this will be something of your obligation is very important.  I would think he has the same concerns. So go to a marriage/financial advisor. They deal with this all the time. You will need to make a small investment for their counsel but in the long run, will save yourself a lot of heartache. Isn't it worth it?

 

Coming from a marriage in which these things weren't truly discussed maturely, I am now finalizing a divorce because of that exact reason. We failed to discuss the obvious, finances, family and friends. Although we all change at times, there are certain things that we just need to feel safe. In this case, you need to know you are not going to be suckered. Sorry, but that is the word. Can't make it any prettier. :))

 

Ask a lot of questions because the time to do that is now.......before you are in , then don't.  Kim

 
June 1, 2009, 2:29 pm CDT

knowing if your ex was it?

Quote From: peachytia

I was in  a serious relationship with a guy for three years, up until my 2nd year of college.  Of course we were young and both wanted to experience the world before we made any commitments so we broke up and got back together several times.  We never stopped loving each other though, and the fire was always there even if we had just broken up.  The last time we got togther, things were going really great, and we had decided that we were ready to have a committed relationship together.  A few weeks later, he gets a phone call from a girl he saw while we were apart, and then he just tells me we aren't going to work because he still has feelings for this other girl.  So I was really hurt and went on my way.

 

My mom introduced me to another guy a few days after my breakup.  I was on the rebound, I thought, but I ended up having a lot of fun with this new guy.  We spent a lot of time together, had the same goals, ambitions, dreams for the future, religious background, and even our families were a lot alike.  The new guy and I dated for 4 months and then we got engaged.  After that, he started to let his true colors come out.  He started getting jealous over nothing.  I felt like I was stuck because we were engaged, and my parents had already started planning the wedding.  We got engaged in March and were getting married in July of the same year.  I went on with the engagement and did indeed marry him hoping things would change.

 

Two days after our marriage, things did change...for the worst.  He became possessive, controlling, insecure, mentally abusive, demanding.  He was a total stranger.  I tried for 9 months to make the marriage work, but I was miserable the whole time.  Everyday, I woke up knowing that the guy I married was just a rebound, and I still missed my ex.  Now I'm divorced and I saw my ex a few weeks ago, and we started talking again.  I found out why he dumped me, and it was only because the other girl said she was pregnant, and he wanted to be a good father.

 

Now, because I married a rebound on a whim, I'm 22 and going through a divorce.  Luckily, I have no children, and my ex and I are back together doing great this time around.

 

If you are really considering marrying the new guy that you thought was just a rebound, give yourself some space (ie, a few days away from him to think by yourself, or a vacation alone) to think about is he really the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with.  The saying is true that if you love somebody, let them go for a while, and if they come back, you know it is meant to be.

for the longest time i thought i would be lost with out my ex we dated for three years, we where " in love". We broke up due to him not being loyal with me. emotionally and physical. and i did not want to be with someone who was not going to stay loyal.

 

After he and i broke up i was a wreak. For a while too,  but i started seeing a long time friend and he and i hit it off well. After a year of being together he asked me to marry him.I said yes, but here was the thing. I could not see my self with him forever.In the end i left him, he was as well controlling, over baring, insecure to an unhealthy level. I needed out of the relationship. He was bringing me down.

 

It has been about 5 months since him, have not spoke but one time since. But the whole time i was with him, i always wondered if i wanted my ex more.. i slept with my first again after me and my ex fiance. it felt so wrong. i know now, it was not right.

 

I am with a wonderful man now, he is perfect for me, and i cant wait to marry him. We live together ,moved in recently. And i would not want it any other way.

 

 
June 1, 2009, 2:33 pm CDT

never going to tell him

When my future husband and i first started dating he had to go to another state for some classes (he is military). i stayed here and went about going to college and stuff like that. well i met a guy and he and i slept together, this was way before my future husband i considered our relationship serious, but i still don't want to tell him, i am scared he will see me as less of a person or just not trust me or love me as much as he dose.

 

To tell or not to tell?

 
June 30, 2009, 5:59 pm CDT

Time to Settle This ?

No one is ever ready for the committment of marriage.  It is a question that can only be answered in ones heart.  There are things to ask yourself.  There are things to consider.  There is advice to be sought and advice to be had, but what good are any of those thing without the confidence of knowing what is good and right and for a lifetime, despite all the static.  If all the other can perceive is the static, then you must count the cost of waiting or not waiting.  Personally, if waiting takes too long, if it's too much of a burden, if it is too little or too much of a certain thing from the other person, then you never knew what you wanted in the first place or you simply changed.  And that's okay.  But the question must come from only one place and only one person or forever living and becoming one together will not, when it comes down to what matters most, mean much. 

 

In searching for the perfect life, settling down and raising a family, how easy it becomes to forget that what makes it such a joy is not ever being ready to stop being with that one person who makes your life better and worse.  I would find no greater fulfillment in my life than to be a wife.  I am not entirely ready but I know who will make me a better person by making me his wife, and I know I will make him better also.  Then we can start on a family.

 

I am awaiting the proposal that I deserve.  I am not ignoring the facts of life, the ups and downs, the issues and problems, I am not in a fairy tale world that believes these things so many of you shared don't exist and affect relationships.  It is because I know that they do that I believe; that I have more than hope.  All things can be turned to good if it is the will and the desire of the couple to see beyond themselves as individuals.  Isn't that what marriage is, in it's pure essence?  Isn't it humbly deciding beyond whatever else exists, that life if best lived along side that imperfect person who sees my flaws as I see his...worthwhile?

 

I have a wedding celebration that will be planned once he proposes.  What I will do once he makes me his wife? The marriage-- I am planning for now, so we'll be ready to ask the next question life brings our way, and so that together we can answer a few questions posed to us. Rich?  Poor?  Sick?  Healthy?  Them?  Us?  and all those surprise question marks that can only be answered when they arise.

 

The board game lays it all out-- our adult life.  The childhood classic leave out one vital lesson, absolute reliance on another human being, and that's not all fun and games, because we all fail one another in our humanity.  Only with the one we desire to bind our life to can we ever be willing and ready to settle the question once and for all and say-- I'm ready to live beyond our humanity, our imperfections, together, facing questions much more difficult than "Are you ready for Marriage?"

 

Those are the questions I see in these message boards-- the hard questions of the stuff of life.  And only each individual can determine what they are willing to settle for before they are willing to settle in with one person for the rest of their life.  It's impossible to know another's actual thoughts, if they might change or not, if the worst of what you know if life will repeat itself on you, but really these things pale in comparison to a life lived in peace and harmony, married or not, than to one where each moment is lived in anxiety and fear over things you really have very little control over anyway.  In each of these posts I see bits of myself at different moments or of people I know or of phantoms I have feared, thank you for sharing these thoughts and for giving advice to one another. 

 

And I don't know exactly what it says about the truth of my situation that I am here typing this response on my computer at my job than out failing miserably at making progress toward marriage.  I am at a point of decision myself.  I am not ready to be miserable working at getting the man who says he wants to marry me to do it so I will feel finally worthy of being his wife.   I am working at not working so hard, so he can ask me because it is what is best and because he already knows I will make the best wife for him, even with my weaknesses.  Its time for him to decide if he's ready to propose because there is little more I can do.  If he decides I am not his one or that it's okay to put off doing what he's been talking of for quite awhile, it doesn't mean we're not ready, just not ready to be one together as husband and wife until death do us part.

 

I am old-fashioned in thinking I could propose.  It is not what I want, I want to be asked.  It's a tradition bound to the origins of our roles as males and females.  So many of those roles are pressured with the changes our times have brought in how those roles are enacted, bringing on, prehaps much of the doubt that prompts this very question "Am I ready?  Is he ready?  Are we? Ready for Marriage?"  Our lifestyle is unconventional in nearly ever single aspect, but the basics of what is means for a man to ask a woman's hand in marriage to those roles I must remain true, at the risk of losing myself to become nothing more than an androgynous, automoton resembling a passionate woman.  I respect differences of opinion on this matter.  I respect those who say it's like we are married already, because in many ways we definately are, I myself believe we are joined in a way that can only be described as marriage.  However, in the most traditional sense, we are not one, and I desire to begin our Marriage, deserving of a lifetime of devotion and mutual submission and adoration, with his proposal.

 

 

 

 

 

I

 
June 30, 2009, 6:26 pm CDT

Clarity

Quote From: deepsea23

I would really appreciate any advise/similar experiences to help aid me in a horrific situation...

 

I have been dating the love of my life for almost 5 years now and living together for 2 years.  We met in college when we were young and he was "soiling his oates" but i always knew that we had something special and we were off and on for a few years because i knew that he wasnt ready to commit to me fully.  We have been through so much together over th years including myself getting him help for alcoholism, family issues, cervical cancer scares and deaths.

 

I have never been that type of girl who has felt the need to go from guy to guy and have had two committed, long lasting relationships thus far (sometimes regretted not being more "experimental").   I have always put my focus on school, helping others and love honestly.  I have been a "loyal" person my entire life i would say to all who surround me.  Until a few weeks ago.

 

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years and it has been great.  I love spending time with him, still get butterflies and he is a wonderful person.   I have been in school during this time and he works.  I have been in a very stressful time for awhile...and recently it went BOOM!

 

I graduated, closed on a condo (in my boyfriends name), got a job, am studying for my boards, and am in the process of moving.   To say the least i was stressed.   I returned to my familys home to relax and celebrate my graduation and after going out with a few friends decided to meet up with one of my buddies from college to celebrate (he also just graduated from school in another state).  i rarely lie to my boyfriend but decided it wasnt worth telling him i would be out for a few hours with this buddy and i have no sexual attraction anyways.  Went out with this boy ...i had at one point suspected he liked me back in college when i was single( but it never went through cause i have no sexual chemistry with him and i was always in love with my current boyfriend.)..needless to say he bought me a ton of shots and i blacked out.  i remember the cab ride briefly and a small bit afterward.  i woke up the next morning at his place devasted and realized i had sex.   i remember about 5 seconds of it and i believe i was trying to push this guy off and literally went limp.  It is disgusting.

 

I have been an emotional wreck ever since. I essentially ran out of there.  i was ballling and i never thought that this could happen.  this other guy was supposed to be my "friend" and he had a girlfriend of 2 years so i thought i was "safe" NOT saying i am not responsible and i should have never gone out with this guy in the first place behind my boyfriends back.

 

It is the single worst thing i have ever done.  I didnt think i had it in my character but i was wrong.  i dont believe once a cheater always a cheater!   i would never dream of getting myself in this situation again or wish this upon my worst enemy.

 

Questions are?   Should i live with this secret before i possibly get engaged (most likely in the next year) and deal with the repurcussions and carry my own burden or should i tell my boyfriend so i am not getting engaged to him without him knowing everything.   Its so hard because any way you look at it cheating is awful and horrible but i dont want to tell him to make myself feel better and have him hurting/not trusting for so many years when I know i will never do this again.  I also take engagement and marriage very seriously and its hard to seperate since we arent engaged/married yet.  I feel so confused because i really wasnt mad at him or doing this out of spite our relationship is amazing and i truly belive he is my soulmate.

 

Other:  I have been tested for STDs and have not had sexual intercourse with my partner since.  I am waiting for the results.  The only other person that knows is my best friend who lives in another state.  This guy has left also for another state and is permantely moving away.  I have told the guy i will never talk to him again and deleted all contact.

 

It seems to be affecting your relationship because of the shame you are feeling over what you clearly articulate as a mistake.  Maybe you should first think over exactly what you are feeling and deal with it before bringing it up with the man you are actually in love with.  Make sure it is real what you are feeling for him and is not just guilt for doing that to a really wonderful man who is possibly going to marry you.  Make sure what you feel about what happened first and then think of him and make your decision to reveal this or not based on HIM, not yourself.  Most likely he knows that there is something going on with you, but he may not be able to figure it out, which probably is hurting him as much as you are hurting, if not more.  If he wants to marry you, he is thinking of you and what is affecting you, and he's probably wondering why you won't talk about it.  After time, this could lead to worse, where he begins to think its him that there's something wrong with and it could all just spriral into neither of you saying what you want to say and that's more messed up than if you just are honest.  The truth often gets very skewed when feelings of this magnitude are involved, sometimes to move past the regret and forgive yourself may be more than enough to reassure yourself and him that you are devoted and committed to a life-long relationship together.

 

First make sure of what you feel for him and if it is what makes a marriage, then you will do what is best for him and he will, in turn do the same for you.  Don't leave this one to chance, if you know what you feel about what you have done and about him, then don't waste one single moment more wallowing in shame.  There are consequences for what we do, but we have a degree of control over how we choose to live with those effects.

 
June 30, 2009, 6:37 pm CDT

Love Potion

Quote From: yuktonisk

for the longest time i thought i would be lost with out my ex we dated for three years, we where " in love". We broke up due to him not being loyal with me. emotionally and physical. and i did not want to be with someone who was not going to stay loyal.

 

After he and i broke up i was a wreak. For a while too,  but i started seeing a long time friend and he and i hit it off well. After a year of being together he asked me to marry him.I said yes, but here was the thing. I could not see my self with him forever.In the end i left him, he was as well controlling, over baring, insecure to an unhealthy level. I needed out of the relationship. He was bringing me down.

 

It has been about 5 months since him, have not spoke but one time since. But the whole time i was with him, i always wondered if i wanted my ex more.. i slept with my first again after me and my ex fiance. it felt so wrong. i know now, it was not right.

 

I am with a wonderful man now, he is perfect for me, and i cant wait to marry him. We live together ,moved in recently. And i would not want it any other way.

 

Our bodies actually release chemicals that create that puppy love, head over heels sensation.  It's like a drug and is natural for a person to want to keep recapturing that rush. 

 

But the fact of the matter is the rush wears off eventually. 

 

And only then can you really know what type of love you have for the one you fell in love with.

 

I hope you keep falling in love with this wonderful man over and over and over for the rest of your life.  I believe it is possible, but don't go down the same path that has already brought you divorce.    In one sense we cannot trust our own reactions, but there is something deep, deep down that is a stronger vibe than  love potion.  You'll know the difference then between your past and what you desire for your future; and there will literally be no comparison because you cannot feel it the way you feel the butterflies.  And you will keep falling in deeper and deeper, if you let yourself do more than feel.

 
June 30, 2009, 7:10 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: kimikomine

Listen, what is the difference between if a man was sitting on the fence or a woman? There is no difference. A fence is a fence is a fench. She is sitting on a fence of confusion. When we are confronted with a situation like yours, our ego wants us to stay and figure it out.....as if it is our job to make someone able to move off their fences....its not your job to help her make this decision. Now the question is : why is she sitting on the fence and do you want to take a big chance and marry someone that has already proven to you, uh, , somewhat unstable? Not in a bad way, ok? Just, unstable when it comes to her feelings about love....she doesn't sound like she is capable right now of giving you what you would need in a relationship, stabililty.

 

Also, her guilt of hurting his feelings? The opposite of love is not hate...it is indifference. She is sitll connected to him somehow....definately not indifferent.....so she is still attached to him....do you want someone that is not 100% available? Why would you want to settle for less? YOu have to really think about the person you are going to commit to...she just may not be one of those girls that....you want to take home to mother. :( 

There are many factors to consider.  I don't agree that sitting on a fence is sitting on a fence and it is identical for men and women. 

 

She probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings and is mistaking that for loving you.  Her feelings for anyone may be misguided by other things.   There are numerous possiblilities that have nothing to do with either of the guys in her life, I would imagine.  And that is your job if you say you feel the way you do, to help her through the conflicted feelings, being confident enough to know it may not be about you at all but something deeper for her that she doesn't comprehend.  You are being indifferent to her complexities as a woman if you think that it is about figuring it out.  Wait no matter how it hurts you because you understand there is bigger picture.  Or keep stringing things out without addressing her needs honestly if that's how you want to feel about yourself and her, which will only cause resentment because neither of you will see that there's no one to blame sometimes for junk we carry from our past.

 

I agree with one statement made in the other reply, you really have to think about the person you are going to committ to, if you can't think about her more than your bruised ego, then that's not committment really at all.  She needs to do her part to, I am not saying baby her feelings, which is perhaps what she is used to.  She will want to be with the person who takes the time to reveal to her what she is worth to a man, even though she is another so-called crazy woman.  She knows inside who she wants and she's beating herself up over doing what is best for her and what is best for everybody else.  She will choose the man who proves he can lead her through what she's experiencing or through stubborn refusal, she will end up alone, as you so aptly remark.

 

That or she just takes who she wants when she wants like many men are accused of doing and she will bring upon her own lonliness. But you'd know that already, unless someone here is whipped by one thing and one thing only and in that case he or she will one day realize this and wonder what was really so great about the relationship afterall other than in the bedroom.  Adults with experience realize that's very much a possiblility. 

 

Whether or not you want to take her home to mother, you need to decide if she is worth sticking beside and then if you could put her above mother and make her your wife.  Are either of you ready for that?

 
June 30, 2009, 7:39 pm CDT

perceptions

Quote From: kindle

I don't think there is any problem with an age difference.  The biggest thing is to realize that there is an age difference, he has lived a little longer and has more experience.  That should be recognized when making decisions. You are younger and may or may not be as mature or responsible as he is.  I am not saying you are or aren't, and it shouldn't make that big of a difference.  If this is what you both want then I say go for it!! I don't think age should stand in your way. 

  

Hugs, 

Kindle 

You need to determine if the age difference is a problem or you or if your family having an issue with the age difference is an issue.  If either one has an impact on your feelings or your plans for the future with this person, then it is a problem.  If it is really just their concern, go on in your relationship.  If they continue to judge, then you need to be prepared for how you will handle that. 

 

Much of age really is a number.  And perception.  If the age perception is an issue for YOU or HIM it will arise problematic but you need to be willing to ask each other if it is something you can work through in the future when it comes up. 

 

Ultimately, if it is NOT an issue, don't bring it up and no one else will unless they have an agenda then deal with that person even if it is a family member, not the one you are married or engaged to.  There are a lot of other things to recognize about your partner than the fact he/she has more or less experience making decisions.  More decisions streched over more time, does not necessarily mean better decision or a stronger sense of responsiblility.  Those things you know about a person from what they do, not how old they are.

 
August 5, 2009, 3:24 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: turtleneck

It seems to be affecting your relationship because of the shame you are feeling over what you clearly articulate as a mistake.  Maybe you should first think over exactly what you are feeling and deal with it before bringing it up with the man you are actually in love with.  Make sure it is real what you are feeling for him and is not just guilt for doing that to a really wonderful man who is possibly going to marry you.  Make sure what you feel about what happened first and then think of him and make your decision to reveal this or not based on HIM, not yourself.  Most likely he knows that there is something going on with you, but he may not be able to figure it out, which probably is hurting him as much as you are hurting, if not more.  If he wants to marry you, he is thinking of you and what is affecting you, and he's probably wondering why you won't talk about it.  After time, this could lead to worse, where he begins to think its him that there's something wrong with and it could all just spriral into neither of you saying what you want to say and that's more messed up than if you just are honest.  The truth often gets very skewed when feelings of this magnitude are involved, sometimes to move past the regret and forgive yourself may be more than enough to reassure yourself and him that you are devoted and committed to a life-long relationship together.

 

First make sure of what you feel for him and if it is what makes a marriage, then you will do what is best for him and he will, in turn do the same for you.  Don't leave this one to chance, if you know what you feel about what you have done and about him, then don't waste one single moment more wallowing in shame.  There are consequences for what we do, but we have a degree of control over how we choose to live with those effects.

i have recently had the same issue that you are going through right now except my boyfriend is the one who cheated.

my boyfriend of almost 3 years told me a few weeks ago that he had cheated on me. i was devestated. he explained to me the reason why he told me is because he doesn't want to keep any secrets from me, and with no secrets our relationship will be stronger. he says he wishes it never happened and he regrets it.  he says that because of it, he realized that i'm the one and he wants to be with me for the rest of his life.

 

would i tell if i cheated on him? i dont know because im not in that situation, but im satisfied that he told me about his. if you do tell, it will probably be a rocky road the next few months. im so stressed and confused right now. im thinking about getting married, but also in the back of my head im thinking of how he was with another woman and jeopardizing our relationship. i dont know what to do.

 

theres also another issue i have too. he told me the same time that he's been having phone sex with his ex ever since weve been together. im so heartbroken right now.

 
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