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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Number of Replies: 960
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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October 24, 2005, 5:21 am CDT

ready for marriage

Quote From: 2ndthought

    thanks for replying. the problem is that i dont think u and i are in the same boat b/c ur boyf is telling where he sees a future. mine cant. we dont have any kids. he tells me he has committment issues and doesnt want to feel trapped --- what guy who truly loves their gf would view marriage as being trapped?????????????? I know its only been 7 months but the bottom line is that he has told me all this stuff aoubt how he thinks i ma the one and wants me ot his wife etc etc but told me he just doesnt know when -- i told him he may never be ready if he has fears of being trapped.

well it is similar  

but not totally the same situation 

i have a 7yr old son and sometime he can be a handful  

it seems that when me and him are alone he tends to have a smart mouth and a problem obeying me  

when the 3 of us are together he is pretty good and doesn't do that  

  

  

 
October 24, 2005, 9:12 am CDT

congrats

Quote From: lsgunter

I am newly engaged of about 3 months and I'm 20 years old.  Many of my friends are also getting engaged and getting married.  I am very worried that my generation isn't taking marriage very seriously in the sense that they have no plan - they just want to "live on love."  I think it's great that they have that passion and commitment, but I believe marriage is entering into sharing your entire life with a person which includes finances, jobs, and religion, among others.  Many of my friends don't have any financial plan or even full-time jobs.  Because so many marriages end in divorce especially over financial problems, it really scares me for them.  My fiance and I have already started to map out our budget for when we get married in about 10 months, and it really makes me feel a lot more secure that we have a plan.  I know this doesn't ensure that we won't encounter money problems, but I do feel like it is more preventative than doing nothing.  This could be a big concern of mine because I'm in school to be a marriage and family therapist, but does anyone else share my fear for society's lack of seriousness concerning marriage?

congrats on the engagement  

i have been with my b/f for almost 3 yrs and not engaged yet or living together  

how long have you been dating your fiance? 

  

 
October 25, 2005, 7:34 pm CDT

Cohabitation

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 9 month now and we have been known each other for 13 month. We both have kids. He has an 11 year old boy and I have a 9 year old girl. The thing is that now I am ready to move on to another step - get married. But I think he is never going to marry me. Why? I think I even know why! He is a very wealthy guy and he is just afraid for his money. I tried to talk to him to see what is going to happen to us in the future, because I want to know what his plans are and his responce was: "I just want us to be happy". But I am not happy. I tried to tell him that but he does not want to listen. I work and make very little money. I live in his house. He has his own money I have my own. He has all the benefits from us living together: he has a lover and a cook and a cleaning leady (Me) and what do I have? I just have to watch him spending lots of money on his son and me not been able to afford to take my daughter anywere. I feel so poor next to him, I feel like he can throw me out of his house any time he wants to. I spend alot of my money on the food for the whole family. Here's what I would like: I would like to marry him and I don't even mind signing a prenup where He would keep whatever he had before marriage and can give it to his son or whatever he wants to do with it in case of his death or in case of anything else. And he would never have to pay alimony in case of a divorce. But I want to have a joint bank account where he would put all the money he makes and I would put all the money I make (and I make ALOT less than he does I know that) in together so that we could be in charge of it together and so that I don't have to feel that poor and insecure next to him like I do know. I am very depressed....I would kill myself if I did not have my daughter that's how bad I feel. I feel like a failurer like a bad mother like a bad girlfriend like a looser. I see no bright future. I wish me and my boyfriend could talk........So we could come to some kind of agreement on how we are going to live together. He is happy and he does not want to change anything. He does not want to listen to me because he is afraid to hear what he does not want to hear. I don't even have a medical insurance because I can't afford it. He knows it but never offered help. He spends $800.00 a month just on the games with his son and does not want to help me out with the medical insurance and I will never ask for his help. What should I do? Am I just a bad woman? Do I just want to much? Please help me!!!!!!!
 
October 26, 2005, 8:57 am CDT

Can't let go of past love...

  I have been with my boyfriend now for two years and we have a seven month old son together. I'm not the type of person to date many people just to have someone, so when I do, it means I really care for them. All I have ever wanted was someone to love me and live happily with a family of my own, but I can't seem to let go of my first love. He was the first person I ever had any strong emotional feelings for, and we've been seperated for over four years now. I recently learned he is getting married to the girl he dated on and off when we were also on and off again, and all I can think of is, "why not me?". I hate that I feel this way and I want to let him go and have those feelings for my present boyfriend, but I have never really "loved" him the way I have before. I feel like I'm being cheated somehow and I think of him, dream of him, and wish on him every second of the day. He's not a saint in the fact he broke my heart so bad it brought me to the breaking point, but I want to let go so bad and my boyfriend catches me daydreaming all the time and I have to lie and pretend something else is on my mind. I feel like I'm going crazy and I thought being single for two years (not dating a single soul) until I met my current boyfriend is proof that I have tried to move on, but I just can't seem to let him go!!! Someone please tell me, what do I do???!
 
October 26, 2005, 1:55 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: sadsarah

  I have been with my boyfriend now for two years and we have a seven month old son together. I'm not the type of person to date many people just to have someone, so when I do, it means I really care for them. All I have ever wanted was someone to love me and live happily with a family of my own, but I can't seem to let go of my first love. He was the first person I ever had any strong emotional feelings for, and we've been seperated for over four years now. I recently learned he is getting married to the girl he dated on and off when we were also on and off again, and all I can think of is, "why not me?". I hate that I feel this way and I want to let him go and have those feelings for my present boyfriend, but I have never really "loved" him the way I have before. I feel like I'm being cheated somehow and I think of him, dream of him, and wish on him every second of the day. He's not a saint in the fact he broke my heart so bad it brought me to the breaking point, but I want to let go so bad and my boyfriend catches me daydreaming all the time and I have to lie and pretend something else is on my mind. I feel like I'm going crazy and I thought being single for two years (not dating a single soul) until I met my current boyfriend is proof that I have tried to move on, but I just can't seem to let him go!!! Someone please tell me, what do I do???!
You have to ask yourself several questions in this type of situation. Do you still want to be with your ex?Sound like to me you still have strong feelings for this guy.  I have been there and now what your going through. Also, do you live with your current boyfriend? I lived with mine and it was only a matter of time before she found out something was wrong. If your unhappy, you need to pursue what makes you happy.  
 
October 26, 2005, 2:00 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: sadsarah

  I have been with my boyfriend now for two years and we have a seven month old son together. I'm not the type of person to date many people just to have someone, so when I do, it means I really care for them. All I have ever wanted was someone to love me and live happily with a family of my own, but I can't seem to let go of my first love. He was the first person I ever had any strong emotional feelings for, and we've been seperated for over four years now. I recently learned he is getting married to the girl he dated on and off when we were also on and off again, and all I can think of is, "why not me?". I hate that I feel this way and I want to let him go and have those feelings for my present boyfriend, but I have never really "loved" him the way I have before. I feel like I'm being cheated somehow and I think of him, dream of him, and wish on him every second of the day. He's not a saint in the fact he broke my heart so bad it brought me to the breaking point, but I want to let go so bad and my boyfriend catches me daydreaming all the time and I have to lie and pretend something else is on my mind. I feel like I'm going crazy and I thought being single for two years (not dating a single soul) until I met my current boyfriend is proof that I have tried to move on, but I just can't seem to let him go!!! Someone please tell me, what do I do???!
You have to ask yourself several questions in this type of situation. Do you still want to be with your ex?Sound like to me you still have strong feelings for this guy.  I have been there and now what your going through. Also, do you live with your current boyfriend? I lived with mine and it was only a matter of time before she found out something was wrong. If your unhappy, you need to pursue what makes you happy.
 
November 1, 2005, 4:17 pm CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: sadsarah

  I have been with my boyfriend now for two years and we have a seven month old son together. I'm not the type of person to date many people just to have someone, so when I do, it means I really care for them. All I have ever wanted was someone to love me and live happily with a family of my own, but I can't seem to let go of my first love. He was the first person I ever had any strong emotional feelings for, and we've been seperated for over four years now. I recently learned he is getting married to the girl he dated on and off when we were also on and off again, and all I can think of is, "why not me?". I hate that I feel this way and I want to let him go and have those feelings for my present boyfriend, but I have never really "loved" him the way I have before. I feel like I'm being cheated somehow and I think of him, dream of him, and wish on him every second of the day. He's not a saint in the fact he broke my heart so bad it brought me to the breaking point, but I want to let go so bad and my boyfriend catches me daydreaming all the time and I have to lie and pretend something else is on my mind. I feel like I'm going crazy and I thought being single for two years (not dating a single soul) until I met my current boyfriend is proof that I have tried to move on, but I just can't seem to let him go!!! Someone please tell me, what do I do???!

First off, I have to ask why you're with your current boyfriend, is it only for your son?  It sounds to me like you're only lying to your current boyfriend and yourself if you stay in a relationship that you don't really want to be in.  This is a self destruction behavior, why would you love someone so much who broke your heart so badly.  Do you feel like you need his approval, do you need someone who treats you badly in order to feel like you're in a real relationship.  It sounds like you're only in your current relationship because you didn't want to be alone, not because you're actually in love with him.  First love can be wonderful because you're experiencing new feelings that you've never felt before, but you should remember your first heartbreak just as well because you need to learn from the first relationship and take that into your next relationship.  You obviously know that you should have moved on...my guess is that you're jealous because he's moved on and you think that he's happy with his fiance, while you're miserable.  Remember this, you have a seven month old son.  Obviously you cared enough about your current boyfriend to not use protection.  I would suggest that you seek counseling, so that you can get your current relationship back on track and your son won't suffer from this.  You may realize that you're much better off now than you were with your ex. 

 
November 1, 2005, 4:35 pm CST

Move On

Quote From: lappacat

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 9 month now and we have been known each other for 13 month. We both have kids. He has an 11 year old boy and I have a 9 year old girl. The thing is that now I am ready to move on to another step - get married. But I think he is never going to marry me. Why? I think I even know why! He is a very wealthy guy and he is just afraid for his money. I tried to talk to him to see what is going to happen to us in the future, because I want to know what his plans are and his responce was: "I just want us to be happy". But I am not happy. I tried to tell him that but he does not want to listen. I work and make very little money. I live in his house. He has his own money I have my own. He has all the benefits from us living together: he has a lover and a cook and a cleaning leady (Me) and what do I have? I just have to watch him spending lots of money on his son and me not been able to afford to take my daughter anywere. I feel so poor next to him, I feel like he can throw me out of his house any time he wants to. I spend alot of my money on the food for the whole family. Here's what I would like: I would like to marry him and I don't even mind signing a prenup where He would keep whatever he had before marriage and can give it to his son or whatever he wants to do with it in case of his death or in case of anything else. And he would never have to pay alimony in case of a divorce. But I want to have a joint bank account where he would put all the money he makes and I would put all the money I make (and I make ALOT less than he does I know that) in together so that we could be in charge of it together and so that I don't have to feel that poor and insecure next to him like I do know. I am very depressed....I would kill myself if I did not have my daughter that's how bad I feel. I feel like a failurer like a bad mother like a bad girlfriend like a looser. I see no bright future. I wish me and my boyfriend could talk........So we could come to some kind of agreement on how we are going to live together. He is happy and he does not want to change anything. He does not want to listen to me because he is afraid to hear what he does not want to hear. I don't even have a medical insurance because I can't afford it. He knows it but never offered help. He spends $800.00 a month just on the games with his son and does not want to help me out with the medical insurance and I will never ask for his help. What should I do? Am I just a bad woman? Do I just want to much? Please help me!!!!!!!
It sounds to me like you already know what you need to do.  First, let's look at this situation...you've only known this guy for a little over a year.  Why do you feel as though marriage is going to solve your problems?  You're saying that you can't talk to this guy and you feel as though you are only a caretaker.  Why are you letting yourself stay in a situation where you feel this way (HE has all of the benefits from us living together)?  It sounds to me like you're benefitting from living with him, you say that you're poor, but he's allowing you (and your daughter) to live with him.  Why do you immediately think that he should be paying your medical insurance over obligations for his son?  You're a grown woman - you shouldn't expect that just because you're with a man, he should pay for you.  It sounds to me like he has a good reason for not wanting to marry you right now.  You haven't said anything about caring for him or wanting to be with him...you just point out that he's not sharing money with you and that you could come up with ways for him to do that.  You're setting a very poor example for your daughter.  You're teaching her that she should stay in an unhappy relationship, instead of becoming independent.  Figure out what your reasons are for staying in this relationship..do you truly love this man?  If so, why does marriage matter so much?
 
November 1, 2005, 4:40 pm CST

Is our age difference to much?

  I am a 22 year old white female and I have been dating my boyfriend for around 2 years.  I love him with all of my heart and our goals in life are one in the same.  I have had a lot of life experience for the age of 22 and I know myself very well.  So let me get down to my question.
        Kevin is 34 years old and a very hard working man.  He is a wonderful Christian man that wants to be my husband and also a father to "our children" one day.  We enjoy each others company tremendously and spend all our free time together usually doing outdoor sports.  At first we were just casually dating that eventually turned into head over hills love.  I want to marry the man of my dreams very soon!  My family thinks he's a good guy but he's too old so that makes him "just not the one for me."  I want to just go with my heart because I feel God sent him to me.
       He and I both know that most marriages these days end in divorce.  But both of us are pretty traditional and know we can make it work with lots of dedication.  Do you guys and gals think I am going to be making a mistake considering the age difference. Thanks again and I am looking forward to you guys response.


 
November 1, 2005, 4:57 pm CST

Take a Deep Breath

Quote From: 2ndthought

        Hi! Okay so this is my situation and any help would be greatly appreciated --- My boyfriedn and i are both 27 and we have been toghether for 7 months. he tells me all the time how he sees me as his wife and how i am the one. however, when i asked him about our future and where he sees things going about marriage he tells me he doesnt know and it could be 1 year or 2 or 3 -- maybe by hes 30! I told him i do not want to know an exact date but something to show that he is serious and the relationship is going somewhere. he tells me he is not ready -- -not jsut with me but with anyone. i find it hard to believe that our age u would wait 3 or 4 years. if u know i am the right one then what is the problem. he says its money but i tell him no one is ever 100 percent "secure" i have told him that i think he has doubts aobut me being the one and that is fine. maybe we should date other people. he inisists that i am the one and he will marry me but he has commitment fears and he doesnt know when they will stop, maybe after dating for 2 years maybe not. my dilemia is that i do not want to waste my tiem being with a guy who says one thing but yet on the other has no plan and says he is afriad to commit but wants to get married. i think he doesnt want to marry me. am i right?? i want to get married and start a family with the right guy and i thought it was him but now i am having my doubts as well.  i dont want to invest all this time in a relationship that may not end in marriage b/c he may never be ready. i suggested seeing other people -- although neither of us wants to -- what should i do??

First off, I think that my situation, in a way, is similar to yours.  My boyfriend and I have been in a serious, committed relationship for almost 3 years.  We're 26 and 27, respectively.  You have only been with this guy for 7 months.  Have you ever heard the saying, "Enjoy that first 6 months while it lasts because it will change after that."?  This is true to an extent.  As you grow more into your relationship, you become more comfortable around each other and tendencies that you would normally only have around your immediate family or close friends start to show (think: leaving your clothes on the floor, passing gas, etc.).  I can't understand why you're in such a hurry to rush into marriage, you should want to take some time and make sure that he's actually what you're looking for.  Do you even live together yet?  That can change a lot of things in a relationship.  My boyfriend and I had a difficult start adjusting at first (we moved in together about a year ago, I'm a neat freak - he's definitely not), but through it all, we've realized that we want to be in this relationship together.   

  

Your boyfriend must like you a lot...I haven't met very many guys who tell girls that they see them as a future life unless they're very serious about them (or big-time players looking to score - which doesn't appear to be the case here)...but that doesn't mean that he's ready to get married right away.  Everyone matures at a different rate...I had friends who got married a year out of high school, others who were having children during and right out of high school.  I always wanted to get on my feet first, get a career started, mature some before I took the leap.  Be happy that he doesn't want to rush right into marriage, most people that I know who've rushed into marriage have ended up in an unhappy relationship or in divorce court.  My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage on and off for some time now, but we realize that it's not the right time for either of us right now...that doesn't change our love for one another.  Marriage is only a piece of paper and a ring..if you don't have the basis for a good relationship, it won't help to make it better.  That said, if you do have a good relationship, give it some time and you may be pleasantly surprised.  

 
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