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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Number of Replies: 960
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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November 2, 2005, 6:37 am CST

Ready for marraige?

 
November 5, 2005, 5:30 pm CST

Give him space!

Quote From: prinscb

 I'm in your same boat.  I'm 26 and have been dating the same guy for 6 years and have been living with him for 5.  I strongly agree that pushing is the worst thing to do.  Maybe you guys could have a really romantic evening together and while in discussion simply ask where he sees himself in "X" number of years.  I've done that and at least it got him to say SOMETHING. 

This may require that you move out.  Under NO circumstances, however, may you cite his not wanting to get married as the reason why you want to create some space.  You MUST also reassure him that you aren't trying to leave him for someone else.  Insist that you want to remain faithful to him, but feel that you both could benefit from some time apart. 

  

This is not about making him miserable, but about making him see what he's missing by  not making you a permanent fixture in his life.  It's not that he means to take you for granted, but after a long time and getting stuck in the rut of daily life he doesn't appreciate the little things you do as much.  So, if he gets some space and starts wondering how he every made it without you, he'll be calling you up and wanting you back...  put him back on the 3 day rule...  if you don't know... this is the minimum amount of time a guy needs to contact you by for a date...  so for friday night, he should call you no later than wednesday so you can plan your time accordingly...  (there's nothing more fun than frantically doing 2 loads of laundry, washing your hair, and taking a shower between work and a friday night date!) 

  

hint 1. don't always be home when he calls or at least don't always answer!   

hint 2.  This is not about making you miserable either.  Use this time for yourself!  Concentrate on some things you've wanted to do for you and call up some old girlfriends and go out!  You can think about him though, consider his reaction to your space idea and also whether or not the two of you can have a successful marriage. 

hint 3.  This is not about other men.  dont' go calling old boyfriends.  This will just confuse you. 

 hint 4.  Be Patient!  Rome wasn't built in a day and guys are slow sometimes. 

  

Warning:  this may 'backfire' on you (if you want to call it that).  he may realize after all, that he can... and would rather... live without you.  This is something he would have figured out eventually whether you left or not, and finding out this way could save you from messy divorce or putting many children in the middle of a mess.  If he does decide he's better off without you, you're better off without him, I recommend taking this as a 'he isn't the ONE'.  This frees you up to work on yourself and get back out there looking for Mr. Right. 

  

  

 
November 7, 2005, 4:10 pm CST

Is this normal?

This is my first time visiting the message boards, so I'm hoping someone will have some advice for me.  I'm a 25 year old in a fairly new relationship (a little over 6 months) and everything is going great.  My boyfriend is everything I'm looking for.  We have a trusting relationship, we love each other, enjoy spending time together, talk about the future with each other, and I hope that he is the one I will spend the rest of my life with.  My problem is this, one night the thought came into my head "how do you know he's the one for you."  This thought hit me like a ton of bricks.  I instantly felt sick and broke out in to a cold sweat, because I really feel that he is the one for me.  Everything in our relationship is great, but like many other people, I've been in past relationships that didn't work (I thought I was in love, maybe I even was, but feelings just faded).  The thought of that happening again in this relationship scares me to death, because I feel like he is the one and I believe he feels the same way.  So, for the past week, I've been haunted by this thought.  I can't stop thinking about it, and it disrupts my days.  It's an overwhelming feeling of sadness that I can't discribe.  I'm just wondering if anyone has ever felt like this before, and if so, what there experience has been like, and if this is a normal feeling when you find someone that you feel you want to spend the rest of your life with. 
 
November 7, 2005, 10:21 pm CST

you're not alone

Quote From: killdoze1

Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there.  I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou).  He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.).  I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.  

   

My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love."  I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales.  However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all.  On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely.  We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October).  I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together.  Do you see my dilemma?  All this back and forth is driving me crazy!  

   

What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way.  If so, how did the relationship turn out?  Was/is it successful?  I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships.  Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated.  I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help.  Thanks very much to anyone who replies!!  

After posting my own concerns about this issue, I came across your post, and I have to say, you are not alone.  When reading what you had to say, it actually made me cry because it was my feelings exactly, and I was relieved to find that I wasn't the only one experiencing this.  When you said, "I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all," I can completely relate, because I love my boyfriend and feel I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but have also had the scary "what if "thought come into my head.  I too am experiencing anxiousness from constantly running the thought through my head.  The scary thing is that all we really have to compare our feelings to is past relationships (which ended for one reason or another).  I just want you to know you are not alone, and if you have received any more advice or opinions about this, I would greatly appreciate you posting what you have found.
 
November 10, 2005, 5:06 pm CST

WHo is ready?

 
Can I please ask... Who is ever ready to get married? That is like asking if you are ready to have a baby. You are just never ready. You just do it, or don't.
I was married, did it cause he promised to take care of me and make my life better. I was 17 it sounded good at the time. Bad idea! Then I fell in love with a man and wanted to marry him. I believed he was perfect for me. Unfortunately I was not perfect for him. We dated for 10 years, he said he wanted to marry me, but when it came to actually planning for it, he changed his mind. Several times. So, I may have believed he was right for me but he apparently was holding out for some one he thought better suited him. Now, I wonder if there is "The one" or if we make all this up in our heads.
I think our society as a whole is not healthy. Porn and violence are our biggest money makers!
How can we expect to have healthy relationships? Based on what we feed our brains ( the media)
Our society has what it asks for. Liars, cheaters, enablers, and abusers.
I wish Dr. Phil all the best. He has a lot of deprograming ahead of him. And to all of you who want to get married, Please... Be open, honest and faithful! That is the only foundation for a long life together.


 
November 10, 2005, 5:21 pm CST

If you can't say yes then don't

Quote From: flower25

After posting my own concerns about this issue, I came across your post, and I have to say, you are not alone.  When reading what you had to say, it actually made me cry because it was my feelings exactly, and I was relieved to find that I wasn't the only one experiencing this.  When you said, "I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all," I can completely relate, because I love my boyfriend and feel I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but have also had the scary "what if "thought come into my head.  I too am experiencing anxiousness from constantly running the thought through my head.  The scary thing is that all we really have to compare our feelings to is past relationships (which ended for one reason or another).  I just want you to know you are not alone, and if you have received any more advice or opinions about this, I would greatly appreciate you posting what you have found.
 Staying in a relationship because it is safe is not fair to you or to them. If you can't say yes with all your heart then you need to let that person go. They are ready! You may never be ready! Is it fair to hold them back from what they want because you are afraid to let go? That is not to say for certain that they will leave you, but if you don't want them for life then what are you doing in a committed relationship to
begin with. The entire purpose of dating one significant person is to see if they are the one you will marry. This is not rocket science. You either want them for life or you don't. If you don't then you need to tell them that. It is wrong to keep them believing you want what they want. It is deceit! It is important to be honest.
 
November 11, 2005, 6:52 am CST

new to the boards

hello...i have just joined the message boards and this is my first post.  i'm currently in a relationship with a man i love deeply...going on almost 2 years.  we are talking seriously about getting married in another year or two.  here is my problem....he has 2 young kids, 6 and 9.  He has them more than 50% of the time.   They have a lot of emotional issues and are both seeing a therapist.  I am so fearful of taking all of this on and regretting it.  I have been divorced twice already and have 2 kids of my own, ages 8 and 14.  His kids and my kids don't really get along that well.  I'm so afraid to take on too much and end up getting divorced again.   I want to resolve this before the "engagement" happens.  I would love to hear advice from anyone on how to deal with this.  thanks.
 
November 11, 2005, 10:03 am CST

Be careful what you do now

Hi, 

  

 I'd like to say this to you all out there; I was married twice and divorced twice. The one thing I always wanted in life was to have a partner to share my life with. In these two marriages I had 3 children, 2 to the first one to the second, then after many years I met a man I spent 15 years with, he and I broke up because of my children, he was never married that was a choice but he never accepted my children and my children never accepted him, so needless to say the end result is me being alone, he is living with another woman, me I still love him but must learn to move on (not easy). The bottom line here ladies and gentlemen is be very careful of the choices you make now, marriage or any relationship for that matter takes a lot of work,  there are a lot of issues that come up the important thing is to be together on them and if you are young (as I was) and you feel that this is the love you spend the rest of your life with; take your time! Wait to have children for a while and once you do "do everything you possibly can to work it out"  

  

Look I can't believe I'm alone, I hate it! I love to be in love, and I thought I had that FOREVER but because of past choices I made I am alone now. My first marriage, his mother was overbearing and he would not leave her and when he did it turned out badly, and the second was physco but the third was the love of my life and now he's gone, lonely sucks real bad; so be careful and take your time, you have the rest of your life. 

 
November 11, 2005, 10:28 am CST

Don't do it

Quote From: windy66

hello...i have just joined the message boards and this is my first post.  i'm currently in a relationship with a man i love deeply...going on almost 2 years.  we are talking seriously about getting married in another year or two.  here is my problem....he has 2 young kids, 6 and 9.  He has them more than 50% of the time.   They have a lot of emotional issues and are both seeing a therapist.  I am so fearful of taking all of this on and regretting it.  I have been divorced twice already and have 2 kids of my own, ages 8 and 14.  His kids and my kids don't really get along that well.  I'm so afraid to take on too much and end up getting divorced again.   I want to resolve this before the "engagement" happens.  I would love to hear advice from anyone on how to deal with this.  thanks.

I feel for you! I understand what it is to love someone but to have problems like that. You should all go into family therapy and go from there. 

Good luck and Best wishes my thoughts are with you. 

 
November 11, 2005, 10:45 am CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: dutchess47

I feel for you! I understand what it is to love someone but to have problems like that. You should all go into family therapy and go from there. 

Good luck and Best wishes my thoughts are with you. 

it's very scary to think of getting married a THIRD time and it not working out.  we have talked about therapy with the kids when the time comes.   my 14 year old daughter can't stand him (probably because he isn't rich like my ex-husband) or his daughter, who has said some mean things to her(she has no filter whatsoever).  the bigger problem here is that my boyfriend and i differ quite a bit when it comes to how we parent our children.  i don't agree with how he disciplines (by shaming them mostly)....maybe he and i should see a therapist together and iron out these issues.  thanks for your thoughts. 

 
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