Topic : Ready for Marriage?

I have been with the same man for over 4 years.  We have lived together for over 3 years.  I have a 15 yr old daughter from a previous marriage and he has a 14 yr old daughter from a previous relationship.  He is a great guy but just won't commit to marriage.  He has been in several long term relationships but has NEVER been married.  Pretty much we have a good relationship but lately I have begun to feel that he is marriage phobic and won't ever get married.  We have discussed this and he doesn't really know why he doesn't want to get married.  He actually said "Why rush it?" I guess I would really like some advise on what to do in this situation. 

Some people say soul mates exist, others dont' agree...  

In my opinion, I really don't know if "soul mates" exist, because to be honest, when I met my now husband, we became fast friends- and our love grew slowly over time. There was no instant soul mate feeling, although now I feel that we are soul mates, and that if we hadn't met one another when we did that we would have eventually met each other somewhere else, because we were meant to be together.  

My advice to you is that if you are questioning if he is the one for you, then he isn't the one! If your goal is to be in a relationship that will lead to marriage and a family, and you are questioning this man, then will you really be happy with him forever? You are right to question where this relationship will go. But, I just don't know if seeking a soul mate is ever going to make you happy, because someone 'better' will always be out there, but you have to be willing to love your mate "warts" and all. 

Thanks for the advice it gives me something to think about. 

You're in a tough spot...and I've been in that spot.  I was 28, in a relationship with a man who was 39...very similar. 

  

I can almost guarantee that if you decide to spend your life with this man, you will resent him in the long run.  I'm sure he's a great guy (otherwise, why would you have stayed with him for so long?).   But when you and your partner want different things, that means that one person has to give up what they want, in order to maintain the relationship.  That isn't compromise, that's giving up a part of who you are. 

  

And I can almost guarantee that HE will feel inadequate every time you are in the company of children, see a baby on television, in the grocery store, wherever.  That will lead to him feeling guilty and generally pretty rotten about himself.  He's the other half of this relationship so don't forget about how it will affect him too. 

  

It's possible to love someone, but not spend your life with them.  I gave up my great guy who didn't want children about eight years ago and, although I still don't have any, I'm still happier than I would have been, spending untold amounts of energy to try to change his mind.  He's married now and still doesn't have any children, so I know he didn't lie to me.  Even though I was incredibly disappointed, after a while, I realized that we wanted two different lives, and there was no middle ground. 

  

On the other aspect of your relationship, if you have been with him for three years and he isn't prepared to make a permanent commitment to you by this point (his also being 36), then it's highly unlikely that he'll make one in the future.  Of course, he's the one who will be missing out on a wonderful woman.  But you are better to take the time now, at 28, to heal your heart and reinvent your life, than to look back at 38 and regret time you've wasted trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do.   

  

If he really does want to spend his life with you, let him work for it.  Let HIM pursue YOU...it sounds old-fashioned, yes, but men are hard-wired for the pursuit, and we're hard-wired to BE pursued.  Ever wonder why the number of single people in our generation is so much higher than our parents'?  I'm not talking about playing hard to get.  I'm talking about letting him be the man that he was created to be.  If he still pursues you and works hard enough (by YOUR estimation...leave the girlfriend peanut-gallery out of it), and you feel he's sincere, then you can let him know that you still want to spend your life with him, but only with a PERMANENT commitment from him (for me, that would be a ring, for you, it could be something different).  But by no means should you EVER try to "seal the deal" by having a child.  That puts your child in a position to be the tie that binds, and that is NEVER fair. 

  

And finally, why not pursue some counselling?  People always think that counselling is only reserved for people with serious problems.  Imagine how fewer serious problems there would be if we got advice BEFORE a crisis comes up!  If you belong to a church, you can get counselling from a pastor or priest, or if you prefer (but there's a cost involved), find a marriage counsellor and go for a few sessions.  Marriage counsellors are not just for married people.  They can also help you identify issues and resolve them BEFORE making a permanent commitment. 

  

I went for counselling with my last boyfriend and I found out some pretty surprising things, things I decided I couldn't live with, so we broke up.  Sure, I miss him and it's awkward (because we attend the same church and belong to the same social circle), but we'll get past that awkwardness in short order, compared to what it would have been like if we'd have made the mistake of getting married and then divorced. 

  

You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders, so you'll do the right thing.  I hope this has been helpful.  I wish you the best. 

I am also here to recommend counseling.  

  

You may very well be able to marry this man. You may not. More often than not, we are unaware and unsure of ourselves. If you do not know what you want, then don't you need to know who you are to make an informed decision?  

  

If you're living with expectations, guilt, fear, distorted perception, people-pleasing, resentment, low self-esteem, shame,....or a myriad of other self-defeating character traits, I urge you to find and talk to someone who will NOT judge you. It's been my experience that anyone who has programmed you to be who you are (parents, brother, co-worker) is not a good place to turn for help. Be proactive about this and find a way to get help from somebody who can offer you what you need -- someone experienced.  Good luck! 

Why do you choose guys who don't want to get married, while ignoring the ones who do want to get married?

i have been married for almost 3 years,i thought everything was going ok new it could be better though.my wife just recently told me she was thinking of leaving.she has trust issues with anyone and about a year ago i put an ad on line trying to make her jealous because she was always on the computer talking to someone somewhere and not me.. now she went to Ohio to visit a friend and called me today to tell me she wasn't coming home at all. in the past 5 years she has never gave up on anything now she just walked away .I'm so confused as what to do.

I think that there is a big difference between wanting to get married and wanting to stay together. Are you uncomfortable because your partner doesn't want to have a wedding or because you don't feel that your partner is commited? A wedding doesn't necessarily make any relationship more secure. Nor does a lack of wedding necessarily mean that a couple is any less committed to eachother.  

  

Have you really examined why marriage is so important to you? Is it because it would make you feel more secure in the relationship? If thats the case perhaps you shoud re-examine the actual relationship. You shouldn't need a piece of paper to feel secure. Or is it because you like the idea of being married or planning a wedding? 

  

you mention that you are considering leaving your partner but you don't mention any other concerns other than his lack of desire to have a wedding.  

  

Have you and your partner really discussed what marriage means to each of you? 

  

Consider this as an interests vs. positions argument.  

  

get each of you to write out what your interests are, and what your positions are, then compare. Look at your interests and you may find that there are many different ways to meet them. You may be suprised to find out that you are both on the same page.  

  

for example based on your post i would say that your position is that you want to marry your partner. While your actual interests include: your partner being a good father, feeling secure in the relationship, having others see you 2 as stable, not being left with no where to go if this relationship has no future. Marriage is not the only way to achieve these interests, in fact marriage doesn't really provide a full proof solution to any of these interests.   Perhaps your partner has all of the same interests but just doesn't see marriage as the solution.  

  

  

I think that the one thing missing from marriage or the beginings of a marriage nowadays is counseling. My husband and I have been marriage for going on eight years. Funny thing is, we got marriage two months after we met. I think that this is a military thing. But we fought it out, and at time we literally fought it out: well I did anyway. It took use five years to seemingly get things right and we are still working on some issues. But recently I read this book called how to fix your marriage - subtitle: with out using a hammer. I wish I would have read this book earlier. I must say that this book is not just for the married couple but also for singles and those that are about to get married. I would recommend this book for those that are ready for marriage or for those that are questioning it. This book will help to answer the question: Ready for Marriage? This book is helping me to work on me and not my mate.  

I think that this is a great book and I recommend it for everyone.  

I am a mother of three, all of my kids are sixteen months a part, i work a fultime job, run a small business, and travel 2 - 3 times a week. So image the stress on my marriage.  But this book is helping and teaching me to balance my life and save my marriage or perserve it.  

I have been in a steady relationship for about 5 years. We have been engaged for about 2 years. I know that he's afraid of marrige (due to a horrible previous divorce that drug-on for 2 years). I am not worried about pushing marrige, and i haven't pushed it. What i am in need of is advice, ideas...I recently found out that my fiance' has pictures of an old girlfriend (from at least 20 years ago) on his computer. Many. I believe he has been communicating with her online through email. I located these pictures today, and am very upset. I am prepared to do what i have to. I am 25, he is 43. I have no children, he has one (10yrs old which i have a great relationship with). Ladies...what should i demand of this man? I have asked for her email and numbers and all access to his email accounts. I am going to meet him this evening to "talk", but i will be having him email her in front of me and tell her that he is with me and that they will be stopping thier communication (or whatever..I need ideas!) My judgement is clouded by being hurt. Is this really comparable to cheating? HELP