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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Number of Replies: 960
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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July 25, 2005, 9:54 am CDT

Plan ahead

I am newly engaged of about 3 months and I'm 20 years old.  Many of my friends are also getting engaged and getting married.  I am very worried that my generation isn't taking marriage very seriously in the sense that they have no plan - they just want to "live on love."  I think it's great that they have that passion and commitment, but I believe marriage is entering into sharing your entire life with a person which includes finances, jobs, and religion, among others.  Many of my friends don't have any financial plan or even full-time jobs.  Because so many marriages end in divorce especially over financial problems, it really scares me for them.  My fiance and I have already started to map out our budget for when we get married in about 10 months, and it really makes me feel a lot more secure that we have a plan.  I know this doesn't ensure that we won't encounter money problems, but I do feel like it is more preventative than doing nothing.  This could be a big concern of mine because I'm in school to be a marriage and family therapist, but does anyone else share my fear for society's lack of seriousness concerning marriage?
 
August 25, 2005, 3:12 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage!

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and have a one year old daughter together. I have been wanting to get married for awhile now. I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is a great person and a wonderful father. He just doesn't want to get married. At least not now. He was married before for almost four years and was cheated on. He said at first he wasn't ready to marry again so soon. They have been divorced over two years already. Now his reason is that we get better benefits because I am a single mom. (Financial Aid for college, etc.) Well now we have started taking out loans for college, so that almost seems pointless now. He doesn't even like to talk about getting married. He says that's looking too far into the future. I need to have some hope. I don't want to seem mean and the last thing I want to do is to rush him, but I also don't want to wait forever. I just started back to college and I am only going part-time cause I'm a full time mom. If we wait for me to finish college, that will take years. It's hard cause we have a child together and I feel like if I were to leave I don't have anywhere to go. Should I leave this alone till he's ready or should I ask him about it again. It's been awhile since we have talked about it and I don't know if his thinking has changed. I just don't feel like I get my answers when we do talk about it. I spend more time defending why i want to get married and my reasons are good enough. If anyone could give me advise on how to talk about it or if I should continue to bother. Am I rushing it? Is two years too soon? How can I keep my heart from breaking so much from him not wanting this?   

 
September 1, 2005, 5:38 pm CDT

Is it true love? Please help!

Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there.  I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou).  He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.).  I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.  

   

My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love."  I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales.  However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all.  On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely.  We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October).  I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together.  Do you see my dilemma?  All this back and forth is driving me crazy!  

   

What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way.  If so, how did the relationship turn out?  Was/is it successful?  I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships.  Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated.  I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help.  Thanks very much to anyone who replies!!  

 
September 9, 2005, 12:34 pm CDT

I have been in a relationship like this...

Quote From: killdoze1

Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there.  I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou).  He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.).  I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.  

   

My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love."  I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales.  However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all.  On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely.  We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October).  I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together.  Do you see my dilemma?  All this back and forth is driving me crazy!  

   

What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way.  If so, how did the relationship turn out?  Was/is it successful?  I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships.  Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated.  I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help.  Thanks very much to anyone who replies!!  

If you are second guessing yourself, that's not a good sign. If you truly, truly loved this man, you would know it and not think twice. Ask yourself, would you die for this man? I was with this guy and I thought I was all in love with him. He asked me one day if I would die for him and I told him yes. When I ask him if he would die for me, he said no. One minute he said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, the next minute he was breaking up with me. I was stupid and kept taking him back. If you have to talk yourself into getting engaged or getting married, then it's probably not a good idea. At least not right now. Tell him to wait on getting engaged if you are not sure this is what you want. Engagement means that you are planning on getting married, and usually soon. So if you are not feeling those types of feelings, I would wait. I have been with my current boyfriend for two years now and we have a one year old daughter together. When I first got pregnant I didn't know if this was going to work. We were together for only 2 months. Well 2 years later we are still together and I love him with all of my heart and I know there isn't another man I would rather be with. I'm 25 years old and I'm ready to settle down and I have found the perfect person. I thought a couple of my ex's were "the one", but I'm so glad I never married before. They weren't into me or I wasn't into them. Give yourself time. Do you feel lonely because you are alone or do you feel lonely cause you are not with Lou? There is a difference.
 
September 9, 2005, 4:34 pm CDT

Any Help?

Hi, I am 28 and have been living with the same man for 3 1/2 years and have been dating for 4 1/2 years.  I tried to bring up the marriage subject around 2 years and again at 3 years.  It has not come up sense.  What do I do?  I don't want to push him because I know that is what his last girlfriend did and he can't stand her now.  What do I do or what can I say to break this already thin ice? Please help.
 
September 21, 2005, 10:25 am CDT

Ready for Marriage?

i dont understand why people are so quick to move in, have children, etc BEFORE THEY ARE MARRIED. People just dont take it seriously anymore. And then people wonder why they get hurt or are treated like crap.   :::confused::: They have an old saying that goes why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free.
 
September 30, 2005, 3:11 pm CDT

My soon to be in laws...

Ok, I have a classic situation that I at least feel like venting out. Comments are welcome. 

  

I've been living with my girl friend for about 4 months now, but we've dated for almost 2 years. We, with the exception of one or two issues, are very happy together and I recently told her that I'm planning on proposing to her by the end of the year. I'm working on my PhD and she has a decently paying job so things seem to be rolling along. 

  

Then there's the inlaws! My parents have met my girlfriend and seem to like her, but my girlfriend's mother is another matter. She has more than a passing dislike for me and when we are in the same room together the tension rises as we make certain to have total civility towards one another and not make eye contact.  

  

Why doesn't she like me? Well it wasn't always this way, when we first started dating she seemed to love me. My girlfriend was shocked because she never liked any of her boyfriends and used to ask, "What did you do to her?". This all changed after we seemed to break up, but patched things up relatively quickly. At this point she was totally opposed to us dating and it was some time before my girlfriend told her we were together again. Her reasons were this, I'm not Catholic, I'm younger than her, and I don't make alot of money. At one point she told my girlfriend she didn't think she could come to the wedding if we got marriend because it would not be a Catholic wedding. My girlfriend doesn't care about any of these issues and has even converted, but not told her mother.  

  

What is so bad about all of this? You're thinking, "Lots of inlaws don't like their kid's choices". She has  expressed this by pitching absolute hissy fits and starting the worst fights with my girlfriend that have brough her to absolute tears. According to my girlfriend, she has a bad temper and tends to use fear to manipulate her family members and to "rule" the family.  

  

I have alot of issues with this. I'm not one that will let myself be ruled by a coward using fear to manipulate others. Knowing her dislike for me, I have very real concerns about her spending time with my potential children and it makes me downright upset that she behaves in this way towards my girlfriend. The last time we met she did not say hello or goodbye to me and followed my girlfriend and I around throughout the house as if to chaparone us. The rest of her family has no problem with me. Her brother, sisters, and father like me fine and don't have any real issues so long as my girlfriend is happy and I treat her right.  

  

During our last visit one of my girlfriend's sisters brough a boy home and he was clearly going out of his way to suck up. I don't work that way I guess. I was nice, cordial and friendly to all of her family, but her mother simply was not receptive to it. I guess I won't jump out of my seat to go and try to please her.  

  

She's ended up saying that she would come to the wedding, but I am very worried at the prospect of enterning in this relationship with her. Its not enough to make me not want to marry my girlfriend, but I guess I'm just looking for a good way to manage it. I have my problems with her, and dislike her, but I'm willing to put forth a good faith effort to try and have a good relationship with her. She's doesn't seem to be receptive to that, so what to do. Just "manage" it from meeting to meeting or what? Those of you that have gone through this, please throw me a bone! 

 
September 30, 2005, 5:52 pm CDT

living together before marriage

Quote From: imawakenow

i dont understand why people are so quick to move in, have children, etc BEFORE THEY ARE MARRIED. People just dont take it seriously anymore. And then people wonder why they get hurt or are treated like crap.   :::confused::: They have an old saying that goes why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free.

I'm all for living together before formalizing the engagement. 

If one's intent in marrying is only personal gain and living together is purely to "check them out first", then the marriage will probably have problems. Relationahips work when the intent of the marriage is agape (sacrificial) love. When one puts the other before themselves (and they both do it for this reason), it is highly unlikely that anything will happen to break the union. In that event where is the problem with living each other prior to marriage?  

Furthermore, in this day living together afore marriage no longer has a social stigma attached to it because it is now the norm, for the most part. 

I hope and pray that other couples share the happiness my boyfriend and I possess together, a promising relationship, a home and a life filled with love. Everything else, is mere material. 

 
October 4, 2005, 2:20 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: jonesapr

Hi, I am 28 and have been living with the same man for 3 1/2 years and have been dating for 4 1/2 years.  I tried to bring up the marriage subject around 2 years and again at 3 years.  It has not come up sense.  What do I do?  I don't want to push him because I know that is what his last girlfriend did and he can't stand her now.  What do I do or what can I say to break this already thin ice? Please help.
 I'm in your same boat.  I'm 26 and have been dating the same guy for 6 years and have been living with him for 5.  I strongly agree that pushing is the worst thing to do.  Maybe you guys could have a really romantic evening together and while in discussion simply ask where he sees himself in "X" number of years.  I've done that and at least it got him to say SOMETHING. 
 
October 5, 2005, 11:13 pm CDT

Having Trouble With My Soon To Be In Laws

my name is bridget and i am 17 i'll be turning 18 in January and i'm getting married to the love of my life in march and his mother and father hates me with a passion. I dont understand it because I have been so nice to them and never said anything out of the way to them because I love my fiance and I dont want him in the middle of all this but he is and I dont like that.. They tell him not to marry me because I'm a trouble maker and a liar and that I'm no good..So we dont know what to do...We are not letting them come to our wedding or come to our house or anything because of the way that his parents treats us when we are together.  They are so harsh I'm a very sweet and loving girl and I always give everyong a chance because thats the kind of person that I am. I love my fiance with all my heart and soul but we just dont know what to do about his parents because they even abused him when he was little but he is nothing like his parents at all..He is so loving and caring it's hard to believe that he came from that mess you know.  So my parents are helping us by giving us their old trailer and helping us get started ...We love my parents cause they are willing to help us and approve of our marriage...So Please if you all have any advice or just anything please let me know....Thanks Bridget
 
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