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Topic : Ready for Marriage?
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May 8, 2006, 1:19 pm PDT
 My boyfriend (fiance?) and I (after dating almost three years) are now planning our January '07 wedding. So what's the problem? His dad is doing everything in his power to convince my boyfriend to WAIT until after he has finished college. Sounds reasonable, right?
But here are the rest of the facts... My boyfriend is 24. He should have finished school about 2 years ago, but he's practically been working full time while going to school, so it's been going a bit more slowly than he'd like... He makes a decent salary now, but it's fairly dependable work, and he will probably be able to make a bit more when he graduates and has more time to dedicate to work. He has about 18 hours of classes left, and he has very little debt. Want to know more? I am 30. I have been gainfully employed for quite some time now. I have a master's degree, own my own home, have no car payment and have very little debt. I am able to save money and spend wisely. I have been married once before, and I know the ups and downs -- and sometimes the insane moments! I have lived and learned.
The bottom line is: we are so ready for this step, and we are so excited about moving forward with our relationship. We've talked about finances and haven't discovered any major issues. Does his dad really have a point here? He says I'll resent my boyfriend because I'll have to be the "bread winner." I completely disagree. My boyfirend is loving, trustworthy and hard working... not the kind to sit around doing nothing while I work my tail off. My boyfriend really respects and trusts his family, and I don't want to go into a marriage with this problem. What can we do? |
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May 10, 2006, 11:23 am PDT
Quote From: dawngirl34 I am a divorced mother of 3. I have been dating a great guy for the last 3 years. Lets call him BIFF. BIFF loves the kids dearly and treats them like they are his own. I have never in my life met someone that can make me laugh like he can, after 3 years we still act like little kids when we are together. We see each other on a regular basis but we each have new houses of our own...so there has not been talk about moving in together. BIFF has never been married before ( he's 36). I think he may have commitment issues. My dilemma is this...I love him and I know he loves me. I at some point I would like to remarry but I think he would be very content keeping things the way they are. When I told him I think we need to have "the talk" he said he was not ready and that "good things came to those who wait" WAIT? How long do I wait? Is 3 years not long enough? Hi. I was/am in a similiar situation, but this b/f and I also dated a long time ago, when we were younger. The relationship ended because he couldn't commit in the 6 yrs..he didn't even want to talk about it, and I was young and I guess I wanted to give him time...He couldn't even invite me to meet his mom, in his homestate. On the last day together, he angrily said 'ok let's go out and buy a ring', then I knew it was over...I never heard another word...Well years went by, I married and he didn't...then, when I was free again I called him up to see how his life...Fell back in love, and the same thing happen...His mom now 94, and my b/f sees her every Thanksgiving, and he calls it a 'working vacation'. I'm a mom of a 21 yr. old, and I understand that 'one-on-one time', and I just ask my b/f if we could take a trip out there, I could stay in a hotel. But, I just wanted 1 Thanksgiving Day with his mom...I don't know if she'll have another...I said I want him to spend time alone with her, but couldn't I also see her that one day...He takes 1 wk. vacation there, and the other 1 wk.. he rest up at his home...I said, couldn't we take the 2 wks, (just that once) and he could spend lots of time helping his mom, and then he and I can spend a day here and there, and go visit his hometown...I've been with this guy a total of 9 yrs...I yr. of this, broke up, because I had to give him the 'either or', and I really didn't want to. I waited and look where that got me? just pain....that's why I got out of it after the 2 yrs. this time around...and for you, 3 yr. is long enough, especially if you want different things then him...my b/f also never married, which is a big sign...I told my b/f also to make 1 appt. to see a counselor, which he refuses...says they don't help...I think you have to do what you feel you have to do, to be happy...or you may end up like me...and trust me, you don't because the hurt just goes on and on...Perhaps, you and I can go in together for counseling..wouldn't hurt...but, if he refuses that, then you''ll know your understand..hope this helps, perhaps you could message me back and give me any advice too, so I'll know I did the right thing..thanks |
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May 10, 2006, 3:59 pm PDT
Dr. Phil Message Board members, I am engaged and am planning to get married this summer (in just 3 months, so I am writing because this issue is timely). Things were going well until this past weekend when I was informed that my fiancé’s best friend (and matron of honor) thinks that I do not like her. We have met but a few times as she lives out of town. She thinks that when we have spent time together that I do not give her enough attention and make her feel a part of things. Admittedly I do not treat her like my best friend and have shown her more attention than anyone I have known for 3-4 days, except for my fiancé. I am concerned for a few reasons.
First is that my best friend's fiancé seems very jealous. When we talk she repeats multiple times that my fiancé is her best friend. It is also obvious that this young woman is dependant on my fiancé’s friendship. My fiancé is a very caring person and wants to help others and does so sometimes to her determent. By that I mean in the past 6 months she has suffered from 3 different medical conditions that doctors believe are stress related (2 cases of staff infection and one case of shingles, she is 25 years old). I see this relationship as being dependant as the friend talks to my friend multiple times a week and during that time there is nearly always something negative that is brought up. I wish I were exaggerating. There is always a complaint of some sort. So much so that last weekend the friend spent an hour discussing how she thinks I dislike her with my fiancé while we were traveling to meet some of my fiancé’s family for the first time. This is the first time I realized there was a major problem.
I called her recently and asked her how we could fix things, because this is not good for any of us. She started going through a list of things she felt bad about and talked for 15-20 minutes straight without pause. The phone call lasted an hour total. This friend has brought up these concerns to my fiancé, I then discussed them with my fiancé and we decided that I was not doing anything toward this friend out of spite. I then considered the issue settled, until the most recent phone call. I am really at a loss here. I love my fiancé and have seen how caring she is. But I also think that she is in a negative relationship that is weighing on her. I asked her a while back how she deals with the constant negativity and she replied that this friend is needy and that she has been a friend so long that my fiancé does not see it as negativity. To cap things off the friend has a husband and I don't know where they stand as far as discussing things and how close they are as friends. And I also think that by always brining her thoughts/feelings about anything to my fiancé she should be discussing them with her husband.
As a final thought the wedding is coming up. And to be honest I am opposed to having anyone in the wedding party that opposes our union and will not whole heartedly support our marriage. As for support, I have met my fiancé’s relatives, other friends and have traveled across the country meeting others. When I proposed I added the condition that I wanted to meet everyone important in her life before we were married. To my knowledge no one has objected and all have been happy and wished us well. I am also concerned that if this friend says yes to our wedding and harbors negative feelings that in the future my then wife and I will argue about something or other, talk to this friend and this friend will validate any negative feelings my wife and I will be having about our relationship. To add to the problem this friend has mentioned that she is no longer going to talk to me and will no longer bring up any problems about me with my fiancé. However if my fiancé talks about me then she will discuss things. I find that unrealistic. And cutting communication can not be healthy.
So I am looking to be wise and figure out what to do here. I want things to work out but I am also afraid that this friend of my fiancé’s will not support our union. I’d really appreciate help in this matter. Thank you for taking your time to read this. ---Groom in Limbo |
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May 10, 2006, 8:21 pm PDT
Quote From: groomlimbo Dr. Phil Message Board members, I am engaged and am planning to get married this summer (in just 3 months, so I am writing because this issue is timely). Things were going well until this past weekend when I was informed that my fiancé’s best friend (and matron of honor) thinks that I do not like her. We have met but a few times as she lives out of town. She thinks that when we have spent time together that I do not give her enough attention and make her feel a part of things. Admittedly I do not treat her like my best friend and have shown her more attention than anyone I have known for 3-4 days, except for my fiancé. I am concerned for a few reasons.
First is that my best friend's fiancé seems very jealous. When we talk she repeats multiple times that my fiancé is her best friend. It is also obvious that this young woman is dependant on my fiancé’s friendship. My fiancé is a very caring person and wants to help others and does so sometimes to her determent. By that I mean in the past 6 months she has suffered from 3 different medical conditions that doctors believe are stress related (2 cases of staff infection and one case of shingles, she is 25 years old). I see this relationship as being dependant as the friend talks to my friend multiple times a week and during that time there is nearly always something negative that is brought up. I wish I were exaggerating. There is always a complaint of some sort. So much so that last weekend the friend spent an hour discussing how she thinks I dislike her with my fiancé while we were traveling to meet some of my fiancé’s family for the first time. This is the first time I realized there was a major problem.
I called her recently and asked her how we could fix things, because this is not good for any of us. She started going through a list of things she felt bad about and talked for 15-20 minutes straight without pause. The phone call lasted an hour total. This friend has brought up these concerns to my fiancé, I then discussed them with my fiancé and we decided that I was not doing anything toward this friend out of spite. I then considered the issue settled, until the most recent phone call. I am really at a loss here. I love my fiancé and have seen how caring she is. But I also think that she is in a negative relationship that is weighing on her. I asked her a while back how she deals with the constant negativity and she replied that this friend is needy and that she has been a friend so long that my fiancé does not see it as negativity. To cap things off the friend has a husband and I don't know where they stand as far as discussing things and how close they are as friends. And I also think that by always brining her thoughts/feelings about anything to my fiancé she should be discussing them with her husband.
As a final thought the wedding is coming up. And to be honest I am opposed to having anyone in the wedding party that opposes our union and will not whole heartedly support our marriage. As for support, I have met my fiancé’s relatives, other friends and have traveled across the country meeting others. When I proposed I added the condition that I wanted to meet everyone important in her life before we were married. To my knowledge no one has objected and all have been happy and wished us well. I am also concerned that if this friend says yes to our wedding and harbors negative feelings that in the future my then wife and I will argue about something or other, talk to this friend and this friend will validate any negative feelings my wife and I will be having about our relationship. To add to the problem this friend has mentioned that she is no longer going to talk to me and will no longer bring up any problems about me with my fiancé. However if my fiancé talks about me then she will discuss things. I find that unrealistic. And cutting communication can not be healthy.
So I am looking to be wise and figure out what to do here. I want things to work out but I am also afraid that this friend of my fiancé’s will not support our union. I’d really appreciate help in this matter. Thank you for taking your time to read this. ---Groom in Limbo Listen, you can't make everyone happy all of the time, and not everyone you ever meet is going to like you. Its just a fact of life! You can't allow this to affect your relationship. Your fiance has a negative, dependant friendship with this person, and it sounds as though she admits that it is that way, but because she feels badly for the friend she isn't saying/doing anything about it. The best thing you can do is to try your very best to drop the subject!! If this friend isn't speaking to you or about you, consider yourself lucky! I know that you don't want to think that way, and you don't want to live that way, but there isn't anythng else that you can do. Ask your fiance to not confide any problems/negative feelings to this friend. Your fiance isn't going to tell her to take a hike... so you must put on a smile and deal with this woman. Pretend she is someone else, someone you really like... just to get through the wedding. Once the wedding is over, your fiance and this friend could very well drift apart, anyway. It sounds like you want to do what is right, but you can't do it alone. Keep your chin up and face the world with a smile. |
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May 10, 2006, 11:14 pm PDT
Quote From: groomlimbo Dr. Phil Message Board members, I am engaged and am planning to get married this summer (in just 3 months, so I am writing because this issue is timely). Things were going well until this past weekend when I was informed that my fiancé’s best friend (and matron of honor) thinks that I do not like her. We have met but a few times as she lives out of town. She thinks that when we have spent time together that I do not give her enough attention and make her feel a part of things. Admittedly I do not treat her like my best friend and have shown her more attention than anyone I have known for 3-4 days, except for my fiancé. I am concerned for a few reasons.
First is that my best friend's fiancé seems very jealous. When we talk she repeats multiple times that my fiancé is her best friend. It is also obvious that this young woman is dependant on my fiancé’s friendship. My fiancé is a very caring person and wants to help others and does so sometimes to her determent. By that I mean in the past 6 months she has suffered from 3 different medical conditions that doctors believe are stress related (2 cases of staff infection and one case of shingles, she is 25 years old). I see this relationship as being dependant as the friend talks to my friend multiple times a week and during that time there is nearly always something negative that is brought up. I wish I were exaggerating. There is always a complaint of some sort. So much so that last weekend the friend spent an hour discussing how she thinks I dislike her with my fiancé while we were traveling to meet some of my fiancé’s family for the first time. This is the first time I realized there was a major problem.
I called her recently and asked her how we could fix things, because this is not good for any of us. She started going through a list of things she felt bad about and talked for 15-20 minutes straight without pause. The phone call lasted an hour total. This friend has brought up these concerns to my fiancé, I then discussed them with my fiancé and we decided that I was not doing anything toward this friend out of spite. I then considered the issue settled, until the most recent phone call. I am really at a loss here. I love my fiancé and have seen how caring she is. But I also think that she is in a negative relationship that is weighing on her. I asked her a while back how she deals with the constant negativity and she replied that this friend is needy and that she has been a friend so long that my fiancé does not see it as negativity. To cap things off the friend has a husband and I don't know where they stand as far as discussing things and how close they are as friends. And I also think that by always brining her thoughts/feelings about anything to my fiancé she should be discussing them with her husband.
As a final thought the wedding is coming up. And to be honest I am opposed to having anyone in the wedding party that opposes our union and will not whole heartedly support our marriage. As for support, I have met my fiancé’s relatives, other friends and have traveled across the country meeting others. When I proposed I added the condition that I wanted to meet everyone important in her life before we were married. To my knowledge no one has objected and all have been happy and wished us well. I am also concerned that if this friend says yes to our wedding and harbors negative feelings that in the future my then wife and I will argue about something or other, talk to this friend and this friend will validate any negative feelings my wife and I will be having about our relationship. To add to the problem this friend has mentioned that she is no longer going to talk to me and will no longer bring up any problems about me with my fiancé. However if my fiancé talks about me then she will discuss things. I find that unrealistic. And cutting communication can not be healthy.
So I am looking to be wise and figure out what to do here. I want things to work out but I am also afraid that this friend of my fiancé’s will not support our union. I’d really appreciate help in this matter. Thank you for taking your time to read this. ---Groom in Limbo Hi Groom in Limbo, this friend of your fiance's seems to be immature, why do you even care? I promise you they will drift apart as time passes, that happens naturally when people move on with their lives. Don't even worry that much about it. I doubt that it will have any negative affect on your marriage. Don't allow her to be an issue, at the end of the day, you are marrying your fiancee, not her friend and if she doesnt support the union, who cares? It is not about her, so I really wouldnt worry if I were you!! Best of Luck!! |
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May 11, 2006, 7:20 pm PDT
Hello. This is my first time posting. I have read a few messages and feel I have a few things in common with some of you. I have been dating a great guy, 13 years older than me. We have been dating for 4 1/2 years and we live 500 miles apart. We see each other about once a month give or take. We talk on the phone many times a day, plus e-mail during the day at work. I work for an association and he is on the board of directors. So we also see each other 4 time a year at our conferences. He always makes me laugh and we have so much fun together. This is important to me since I was in a very unhappy, miserable marriage for 15 years. I did come out of the marriage with 3 terrific boys. Early on in our relationship I told him I wouldn't move to where he lives because my family is here and I didn't want to move my boys away from family and I have a really good job here. I am a single parent with no help from the ex so security is a big concern. I have security here with my job, and my family. Also, I grew up where he lives and I don't want to raise my boys there. My b/f said if we are going to be together, have a life together, that he would move here. He has said this many times. He has a house that needs a lot of work before it can be sold. The renovations are going VERY SLOW. He also has a business he started 10 years ago. It's been going well. The other day for the first time he mentioned his business plan. Which is he wants 60 clients and now he is at the halfway point. He is an avid fisherman. He is passionate about it. I like fishing too, not as much as he does but I go with him so we can send more time together. Where he lives the fishing is tremendous. Where I live it's more challenging. There is fishing just a longer drive to get to it. We have talked about marriage a lot over the last 4 years. Most times he brings it up. We have looked at so many houses here but I feel it is a waste of time. He will see a house on line and send me the link and it ends there. Never talks about it or asks if I looked at it. I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 1/2 years ago at the age of 39. I went through chemo, mastectomy, reconstruction the works. I am doing great, and cancer free. Since this life changing experience I feel we are wasting precious time that we could be spending together. I always say you never know what's around the corner. Over the last year or so he has lead me to believe a ring is in the near future but no ring yet. The bigger issue is fixing up his house, the business and him moving. He can't move until his business is at the point where he can sell it or the business has enough income to have someone run it for him. This could take years. He tells me it takes time. He needs time to get used to the idea of moving from where he has lived for 30 years. He says it will take some time to get used to it here and make some friends. I totally understand that, but it has been 4 years! And he can't make friends when he only comes up every few months. I know he loves me like like no other. I have met his family and friends. He has never brought other g/f around his family. His friends tell me I am so good for him, that he is so happy with me. My feelings are changing and I am starting to resent him for taking so long and not giving me an idea of when. I really don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and don't know if I am wasting my time. I think about it everyday, whether to stick it out or cut my losses. My family and friends tell me he will never move. I don't want to believe them but I think they may be right.
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May 12, 2006, 12:52 pm PDT
Well, this is also my first time writing here...I absolutely love the show and was hoping to get some useful advice from some of you who seem to have experience with my problem. In a nutshell, I met my bf 2 years ago and we decided to move in together last summer (just about a year ago). Things have been great as far as our relationships goes. He told me he loved me after our first 3 weeks together and proceeded to proclaim after 6 months that I was "the one" for him. Now, a year and a half after his declaration, everytme the subject of marriage/engagement is brought up he turns into another person. He says things like "I'm pushing him away" or that he "doesn't want to rush into things and become another statistic." I completely agree with him, I'm not even looking to get married any time soon. My problem is that today we had a huge fight and he mentioned that he still wants to be able to go out with his friends and that he can already see how miserable he's going to be with me due to my jealousy. This was said in anger but I feel like there's so much more behind in it. I'll be the first to admit I may have some control issues, but I am an all-around great person who deserves to know the truth. My problem is that we're looking to get a place together (officially) after this summer) and I'm not sure if I can commit myself to someone who doesn't have the same expectations as I do. Leaving him will mean leaving the man of my dreams, the person I can already see myself spending the rest of my life with. Staying with him may be more painful if my inclination is true. I was wondering if any of you have gone through something similar and care to share the outcome? I'm pretty much devastated already and have come to tears just typing this. I know I am young and I probably rushed into things too soon, but there is a lot of depth to my life that I can't get into right now... please help me figure out the right path and understand if in fact he will ever be "ready" :)
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May 12, 2006, 2:31 pm PDT
Should I marry a man who has Playboy tapes from the past, taped Strip Poker solely for the reason of watching girls strip down, and bought the movie "Showgirls", while dating me? He's a wonderful man, but this stuff makes me extremely uncomfortable, even if he doesn't watch it regularly. Just the fact that he owns it, and was into it, bothers me. (And I'm an attractive girl whose been told I could be in Playboy, so it's not that I don't think I'm pretty.) This stuff in our society overall bothers me tremendously. |
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May 12, 2006, 2:46 pm PDT
Quote From: tyrivet Hi! I am 30 yrs old and my live in boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs is 26. I never bring up marriage because I was married once before. In the beginning of our relationship, he would always say I was the one etc... He said at one time that he wanted to get married eventually, but not anytime soon. He knows that I do want to be married. I really don' t know why. It has nothing to do with the security. I just want to be someone's wife ( of course not just anyone). I am in no rush, but I do want to be married. It recently came up as a joke. I deceided to talk to him about it being that it came up. He informed me that he loves me very much and couldn't see himself with anyone else, but he doesn't see himself ever wanting to get married. His parents are still together and was brought up in a decent family. I have tried to talk to him about it and he just gets mad. I just can't understand how he could say he pretty close to never wants to get married. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Maybe he's scared. Have a serious talk with him and tell him that this is what you want in life and if he doesn't, then you two shouldn't be together anymore, because it's not fair to you. Make this the last time you talk about it and be straightforward and honest. If he can't have a mature discussion and try to find out why he doesn't want to get married, then you need to decide if you should move on or not. You deserve to have what you want in life. If he gets mad, it's because he doesn't want to talk about it out of fear of something. |
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May 12, 2006, 4:11 pm PDT
Quote From: nycstrlite Well, this is also my first time writing here...I absolutely love the show and was hoping to get some useful advice from some of you who seem to have experience with my problem. In a nutshell, I met my bf 2 years ago and we decided to move in together last summer (just about a year ago). Things have been great as far as our relationships goes. He told me he loved me after our first 3 weeks together and proceeded to proclaim after 6 months that I was "the one" for him. Now, a year and a half after his declaration, everytme the subject of marriage/engagement is brought up he turns into another person. He says things like "I'm pushing him away" or that he "doesn't want to rush into things and become another statistic." I completely agree with him, I'm not even looking to get married any time soon. My problem is that today we had a huge fight and he mentioned that he still wants to be able to go out with his friends and that he can already see how miserable he's going to be with me due to my jealousy. This was said in anger but I feel like there's so much more behind in it. I'll be the first to admit I may have some control issues, but I am an all-around great person who deserves to know the truth. My problem is that we're looking to get a place together (officially) after this summer) and I'm not sure if I can commit myself to someone who doesn't have the same expectations as I do. Leaving him will mean leaving the man of my dreams, the person I can already see myself spending the rest of my life with. Staying with him may be more painful if my inclination is true. I was wondering if any of you have gone through something similar and care to share the outcome? I'm pretty much devastated already and have come to tears just typing this. I know I am young and I probably rushed into things too soon, but there is a lot of depth to my life that I can't get into right now... please help me figure out the right path and understand if in fact he will ever be "ready" :)
The things he said in anger did have true meanings behind them. Think about it... when you are angry, you might also say things that come out as mean... but you really do mean them deep down inside. Your boyfriend is confessing to you his thoughts and fears through anger, and that is unhealthy and very hurtfull. It would be best if you could have this talk- not a fight, not a confrontation- but a calm talk about the future. You know what you want for your future, and he isn't so sure. It would be a shame if you became 'stuck' in this limbo for 10 or 20 years... it happens to so many women! The best advice i can give you is the best advice I ever recieved myself, and that is to follow and trust your instincts. If you feel something just isn't right, than trust yourself- it isn't right. This relationship started out as a whirlwind, the love was very quick, and now your boyfriend wants to put on the brakes. This isn't fair to you; you deserve to know what the future holds without him becoming so defensive and angry. I wish you well!! |
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