Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: ashley91

I love my boyfriend (42) of two years sooooo much. I'm 33. He has a couple of playboy tapes and strip poker tapes and he has the movie showgirls, which he bought while dating me 6 months into our relationship. now he knows how i'm bothered by this stuff and he's deleted some emails his friends have sent him that bothered me and he agreed it was disrepsecful of them to send him girlie pics, and he's always sensitive and willing to do whatever it takes to please me. i only know of his playboy tapes because i snooped. it makes me nervous that he has them, even if he doesn't look at them anymore. i'm satisfied with him so i don't look at other men and i think it should be vice versa. should i one day live or marry this man? i'm EXTREMELY sensitive to this girlie stuff. it might have to do with my upbringing, but i'm very uncomfortable and it's always in the back of my mind when I'm with him. sometimes i even lose sleep over it.

Quote From: nycstrlite

  Well, this is also my first time writing here...I absolutely love the show and was hoping to get some useful advice from some of you who seem to have experience with my problem. In a nutshell, I met my bf 2 years ago and we decided to move in together last summer (just about a year ago). Things have been great as far as our relationships goes. He told me he loved me after our first 3 weeks together and proceeded to proclaim after 6 months that I was "the one" for him.    

  Now, a year and a half after his declaration, everytme the subject of marriage/engagement is brought up he turns into another person. He says things like "I'm pushing him away" or that he "doesn't want to rush into things and become another statistic." I completely agree with him, I'm not even looking to get married any time soon. My problem is that today we had a huge fight and he mentioned that he still wants to be able to go out with his friends and that he can already see how miserable he's going to be with me due to my jealousy.  This was said in anger but I feel like there's so much more behind in it.  I'll be the first to admit I may have some control issues, but I am an all-around great person who deserves to know the truth.   

  My problem is that we're looking to get a place together (officially) after this summer) and I'm not sure if I can commit myself to someone who doesn't have the same expectations as I do. Leaving him will mean leaving the man of my dreams, the person I can already see myself spending the rest of my life with. Staying with him may be more painful if my inclination is true.  I was wondering if any of you have gone through something similar and care to share the outcome? I'm pretty much devastated already and have come to tears just typing this.  I know I am young and I probably rushed into things too soon, but there is a lot of depth to my life that I can't get into right now... please help me figure out the right path and understand if in fact he will ever be "ready" :)   

      

Quote From: traceyac8

I can't even believe that someone else feels the same way as I do about porn.  It makes me so sick to even think that my boyfriend of almost 5 and a half years looks at that stuff.  Recently I found about 6-7 DVDs of hard core porn in the trunk of his car and I confronted him.  He acted so normal about it and that he didn't care that I was VERY upset about it.  I broke them up and destroyed them in front of them and his only response was that he didn't care that I was doing it.  He then proceeded to lie to me and tell me that they were old and that he had had them from before we were together.  However, on three of them the listed the copyright date and they were dated from 2003-on (we have been together since Dec 2000).   

  

I told him how digusting I thought these were and how perverted he was for watching these.  All he said was that he didn't feel that way.  This has been an ongoing problem with us since we first started dating because he would always deny anything found on the computer saying that his friends were looking at it.  After this last episode, he said that he wouldn't watch them anymore because he knows how much it really bothers me.  But I work overnights and leave for work at 9:30 PM so he has hours all to himself... while I am at work, I am soooooo afraid that he is on the computer or has other hidden porn that I do not know about.   

  

In my head, I know that this has nothing to do with me.  That he is just sick and perverted and I am just fine being me.  But I can't help but feel not worthy or that I am not enough for him.  Our sex life is practically none existence.  We are 24 years old and we probably have sex 2 or 3 times a month.  I have tried to initiate sex constantly and he constantly turns me down.   

  

I too wonder if he is someone worth marrying and if I should wait for him to be ready to get married.  I guess it doesn't matter how old they are, 24 or 42, some problems don't have an age limit.  We just moved in together and that is the only reason that I even had a chance to stumble upon what I found in his car.  As soon as I opened the trunk they were in a case right on top.  He tried to tell me that he hasn't watch them in a long time and that he was going to get rid of them.  But I know better.  What is it with men and lying to you when the evidence is right in front of you?   

Quote From: traceyac8

After reading your message, I can't help but think that you are me only 3 and a half years ago.  When I started to date my current bf I was a freshmen in college and was living an hour and a half away.  So for the first almost 4 years we were in a "long-distance" relationship... where we only saw each other on the weekends and talked on the phone during the week.  So like you I wasn't ready for marriage or to even live with each other. 

  

However, I have been out of school for over 2 years now and we just recently moved in together.  I thought that taking this step forward would show him how great marriage would be and how great living with each other would be.  I thought it would get him to want to get married soon.  We had even broke up for a month back in November 2005 and he came crawling back literally on his hands and knees, begging me to forgive and take him back.  He told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and couldn't imagine living without me..... you know all the good stuff we want to here.   

  

Now we are back to where we were before the break up.  He doesn't want to talk about marriage and doesn't know when he will be ready/want to get married.  I am beginning to wonder if moving in together was the right thing to do because why should he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?  We live like a married couple just without the committment.   

  

I don't know you and I don't know your boyfriend but if I were you I would have a long talk with him before you move in together and before you put anymore time and effort into the relationship.  You both have to be honest with what you want out of the relationship and what you see your future consisting of.  I know that he probably will put up a fess and not want to talk about it but you need to make sure he knows that this is something that is important to you and that you will not move in together or take any further steps until he fulfill your needs.  Of course this is only my advice but I know that I wish I had done this before I got to this point in our relationship.   

Quote From: ashley91

I want to move in with my boyfriend too, but the more I think deep down, the more I realize that I'd rather marry him. I want the committment or else I won't feel safe. I haven't told him this yet, but I have to be honest with him. He's thought about marriage too, but I don't want him to settle with living together only. Sometimes it works, though. My cousin lived with her boyfriend for 2 years, & now they're engaged. Please talk to your boyfriend, seriously.

Quote From: dee0123

Hi.  I was/am in a similiar situation, but this b/f and I also dated a long time ago, when we were younger.  The relationship ended because he couldn't commit in the 6 yrs..he didn't even want to talk about it, and I was young and I guess I wanted to give him time...He couldn't even invite me to meet his mom, in his homestate.  On the last day together, he angrily said 'ok let's go out and buy a ring', then I knew it was over...I never heard another word...Well years went by, I married and he didn't...then, when I was free again I called him up to see how his life...Fell back in love, and the same thing happen...His mom now 94, and my b/f sees her every Thanksgiving, and he calls it a 'working vacation'.  I'm a mom of a 21 yr. old, and I understand that 'one-on-one time', and I just ask my b/f if we could take a trip out there, I could stay in a hotel.  But, I just wanted 1 Thanksgiving Day with his mom...I don't know if she'll have another...I said I want him to spend time alone with her, but couldn't I also see her that one day...He takes 1 wk. vacation there, and the other 1 wk.. he rest up at his home...I said, couldn't we take the 2 wks, (just that once) and he could spend lots of time helping his mom, and then he and I can spend a day here and there, and go visit his hometown...I've been with this guy a total of 9 yrs...I yr. of this, broke up, because I had to give him the 'either or', and I really didn't want to.  I waited and look where that got me?  just pain....that's why I got out of it after the 2 yrs. this time around...and for you, 3 yr. is long enough, especially if you want different things then him...my b/f also never married, which is a big sign...I told my b/f also to make 1 appt. to see a counselor, which he refuses...says they don't  help...I think you have to do what you feel you have to do, to be happy...or you may end up like me...and trust me, you don't because the hurt just goes on and on...Perhaps, you and I can go in together for counseling..wouldn't hurt...but, if he refuses that, then you''ll know your understand..hope this helps, perhaps you could message me back and give me any advice too, so I'll know I did the right thing..thanks

Quote From: aqualake

Problem 1:  

I'm 24, and have been with my boyfriend over a year. He's pressuring me to get married by summer of 2007, but I'm not ready. He keeps asking me when he should ask me to get married. I tell him I'm not ready yet; he gets upset. I simply am not ready yet. The pressure is driving me away, and no matter how I try to talk to him, he takes it as an insult and flips out.   

  

Problem 2:  

I am on the fast track in my career. I was recently promoted and am doing very well. He's in the military, and keeps telling me it's MY decision about whether or not he re -signs for life-- if he does, then we will have to move overseas for a few years, thus I'll have to drop my career and everything I've worked for (I have my master's, and have put blood sweat and tears in to get where I am). I understand I'm being selfish, but I'm not ready to drop my career and everything I've worked for to become a housewife. I'd be miserable.  I don't feel comfortable making such a large decision for both of us.  

  

Problem 3:   

He went through my cell phone records and questioned EVERY phone call I've made recently -- thing is, they are to my coworkers!! My job requires me to be available constantly to the people I manage. My boyfriend insinuated that I'm cheating because I talk to guys on the phone (coworker guys!). I don't cheat, and his insecurities are about to push me over the edge. I have never been so mad at him as I was yesterday when he did that.   

  

Problem 4:  

Sex is a chore. It bores me with him. He wants it twice a day, and if he doesn't get it, he pouts and tells me I'm a prude.   

  

Problem 5:  

He told me if I ever leave him he'll become an alcoholic for life and never date again.   

  

  

Hence, how the hell do I break up with him?? I just wish he would leave me...It'd be so much easier. I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to do it.