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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.
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ashley91
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May 21, 2006, 9:37 pm PDT

Don't let him get away with it.

Quote From: traceyac8

I have talked to him about this issue but he becomes very defensive as soon as I bring it up.  He tells me that he has already answered all of my questions and that he is sick and tired of discussing it.  He really is a wonderful person don't get me wrong but this is the one and only issue that we have.  I don't like porn and he sees nothing wrong with it.  He did say that he will not look at it anymore and that he hasn't looked at it in a while so I am taking one day at a time.  I will continue to snoop just to make sure that he isn't using our computer to look at such content.  I have not found anything on our computer ever so he has been honest there.  I did bring up our sex life again tonight and as usual he didn't want to talk about it.  He said that he doesn't think about it and that it doesn't bother him that we have sex so little.  I didn't have much time to discuss this with him as I had to go to work tonight but my goal for tomorrow is to discuss this again with him and not to take no for answer.  He has to realize that this is important to me and if he doesn't want to take me seriously then things have got to end.  Thanks for your imput!
I'm really proud of you for sticking to your guns and continuing to talk to him. My guy ALWAYS has time to talk to me, even if I were to bring up the same thing more than once. THAT has never happened to me before and THAT taught me that I deserve such treatment. He is great that way and you deserve the same. When you love someone and you see how bothered they are by something, that is what you do...you listen and try to do what you can to better the situation. If he's defensive, there's already a problem. And if you break up, believe me, you will find a man like mine, who listens and is willing to do what it takes. I broke up with my ex husband and look what I found! You are EXACTLY right when you say if he doesn't take you seriously, things have to end.
 
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lonelygril
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May 22, 2006, 11:57 am PDT

What to do

Ok, here's the 411 on my relationship.  We have been together for 6 years and living together for 5 of those years.  I think we are probably too comforatble in our current living arrangements.  I however am wanting to get married and have a couple of kids.  He says not to pressure him, well I think 6 years is not pressure.  I have found a few months back that he visits match.com (but is not subscribed), which this is online dating promoted thru Dr. Phil.  He was talking about guys he works with doing it and I said I bet you do to and he said no.  Well I have found on the computer that he is going to the site looking, but not talking to.  Is there any harm in that?  I have also found that he visits porn sites and has a picture of a girl in a thong on his phone......I am so disgusted with this.  I really love him and want to marry him, but I don't feel that he feels the same way or has all this other stuff that he is doing blocked me from seeing what is true?  I am sick about this and don't know what to do.
 
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latingirl
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May 22, 2006, 1:33 pm PDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: aqualake

Problem 1:  

I'm 24, and have been with my boyfriend over a year. He's pressuring me to get married by summer of 2007, but I'm not ready. He keeps asking me when he should ask me to get married. I tell him I'm not ready yet; he gets upset. I simply am not ready yet. The pressure is driving me away, and no matter how I try to talk to him, he takes it as an insult and flips out.   

  

Problem 2:  

I am on the fast track in my career. I was recently promoted and am doing very well. He's in the military, and keeps telling me it's MY decision about whether or not he re -signs for life-- if he does, then we will have to move overseas for a few years, thus I'll have to drop my career and everything I've worked for (I have my master's, and have put blood sweat and tears in to get where I am). I understand I'm being selfish, but I'm not ready to drop my career and everything I've worked for to become a housewife. I'd be miserable.  I don't feel comfortable making such a large decision for both of us.  

  

Problem 3:   

He went through my cell phone records and questioned EVERY phone call I've made recently -- thing is, they are to my coworkers!! My job requires me to be available constantly to the people I manage. My boyfriend insinuated that I'm cheating because I talk to guys on the phone (coworker guys!). I don't cheat, and his insecurities are about to push me over the edge. I have never been so mad at him as I was yesterday when he did that.   

  

Problem 4:  

Sex is a chore. It bores me with him. He wants it twice a day, and if he doesn't get it, he pouts and tells me I'm a prude.   

  

Problem 5:  

He told me if I ever leave him he'll become an alcoholic for life and never date again.   

  

  

Hence, how the hell do I break up with him?? I just wish he would leave me...It'd be so much easier. I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to do it.   

  

  

You need to take care of you~ Don't wait around any longer.  HE is not the one for you.  That is pretty obvious.  WHY should you pack up and move because of his career choice?  He doesn't consider your feelings or emotions in any of this.  Don't want for him to break it off.  Be the mature one, break it off and move forward in your life.  

Good luck. 
 
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beaushell
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May 23, 2006, 1:26 am PDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: traceyac8

I can't even believe that someone else feels the same way as I do about porn.  It makes me so sick to even think that my boyfriend of almost 5 and a half years looks at that stuff.  Recently I found about 6-7 DVDs of hard core porn in the trunk of his car and I confronted him.  He acted so normal about it and that he didn't care that I was VERY upset about it.  I broke them up and destroyed them in front of them and his only response was that he didn't care that I was doing it.  He then proceeded to lie to me and tell me that they were old and that he had had them from before we were together.  However, on three of them the listed the copyright date and they were dated from 2003-on (we have been together since Dec 2000).   

  

I told him how digusting I thought these were and how perverted he was for watching these.  All he said was that he didn't feel that way.  This has been an ongoing problem with us since we first started dating because he would always deny anything found on the computer saying that his friends were looking at it.  After this last episode, he said that he wouldn't watch them anymore because he knows how much it really bothers me.  But I work overnights and leave for work at 9:30 PM so he has hours all to himself... while I am at work, I am soooooo afraid that he is on the computer or has other hidden porn that I do not know about.   

  

In my head, I know that this has nothing to do with me.  That he is just sick and perverted and I am just fine being me.  But I can't help but feel not worthy or that I am not enough for him.  Our sex life is practically none existence.  We are 24 years old and we probably have sex 2 or 3 times a month.  I have tried to initiate sex constantly and he constantly turns me down.   

  

I too wonder if he is someone worth marrying and if I should wait for him to be ready to get married.  I guess it doesn't matter how old they are, 24 or 42, some problems don't have an age limit.  We just moved in together and that is the only reason that I even had a chance to stumble upon what I found in his car.  As soon as I opened the trunk they were in a case right on top.  He tried to tell me that he hasn't watch them in a long time and that he was going to get rid of them.  But I know better.  What is it with men and lying to you when the evidence is right in front of you?   

 The whole porn thing is a really big problem.  I have had two partners in the last 3 years who have been into this the first one would spend hours on his computer and would be "too tired" to make love to me.  He wanted me to have sex with another woman with him.  This relationship destroyed my self esteem.  The second relationship was better but after 18 months he came to me one night and said that the thought he may need counselling because he had a 'morbid fascination' with porn.  I asked him if he had been looking at it on the net on my computer and he said yes but he didn't touch himself.  I was cut, mainly because I can't understand why he needs porn when we had a perfectly good sex life.  It makes me feel like I am not enough for him.  He knows how I feel about this but I remained calm thanked him for being honest and asked him if by "morbid fascination' was it something that he wanted to change.  He eventually admitted that he didn't really have a problem with it and couldn't understand why I did and that he felt that it was something that he had to give up because he was with me.  I told him that I would not be responsible for making him give up something that he wanted in order to be with me because it would just cause resentment.  I also told him that I have a problem with it and by allowing him to do this in order to make him happy would just make me angry and resentful so we called it quits.  Maybe there is girls out there that are happy to have their partners watching porn and hopefully he finds one.  Its just not me. 
 
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sweetsilk
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May 23, 2006, 1:10 pm PDT

ready for marriage but is he?

Ihave been with my live in boy friend for 5 years we have been ingaged for a year i made the arrangements to get married this september and something came up and we can not do it so i suggested that we do it w hen we go to the beach this year and just have aplan simple romantic on the beach wedding and its like he doesnt want to talk about it  and that he needs time to think about it im not sure if he has changed his mind or what he is thinking i have been with him so long and love him very much but does he fill the same im worried that he is just happy living together and that we may never get married.  
 
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lruiz1999
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May 24, 2006, 7:35 am PDT

Just Tell Him

Quote From: latingirl

You need to take care of you Don't wait around any longer.  HE is not the one for you.  That is pretty obvious.  WHY should you pack up and move because of his career choice?  He doesn't consider your feelings or emotions in any of this.  Don't want for him to break it off.  Be the mature one, break it off and move forward in your life.  

Good luck. 

Problem #1 -Just tell him you don't want to get married right now, and probably will never want to marry him 

  

Problem #2- You did work very hard if you have your Master's at school and I'm sure at work, also. Tell him that you don't want to give that up. You are not being selfish by not giving up your career if you don't marry him. If you marry him, you will be expected to give it up. I've been overseas with the Army. It was a great experience. You wouldn't have to be a housewife, but you might not find a job in your field, so you may risk having a job you hate. But, don't let him ruin his career, either, by not telling him you don't want to get married. If he doesn't re-enlist, his career will be over. 

  

Problem #3- You're young and sex is a chore? He's not the one for you. 

  

Problem #4-He knows the sex is a chore for you but he doesn't think he is the problem. He thinks you have someone else and are having plenty of sex with someone else! 

  

JUST TELL HIM NO! 
 
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bkoshy
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May 24, 2006, 9:01 am PDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: traceyac8

I can't even believe that someone else feels the same way as I do about porn.  It makes me so sick to even think that my boyfriend of almost 5 and a half years looks at that stuff.  Recently I found about 6-7 DVDs of hard core porn in the trunk of his car and I confronted him.  He acted so normal about it and that he didn't care that I was VERY upset about it.  I broke them up and destroyed them in front of them and his only response was that he didn't care that I was doing it.  He then proceeded to lie to me and tell me that they were old and that he had had them from before we were together.  However, on three of them the listed the copyright date and they were dated from 2003-on (we have been together since Dec 2000).   

  

I told him how digusting I thought these were and how perverted he was for watching these.  All he said was that he didn't feel that way.  This has been an ongoing problem with us since we first started dating because he would always deny anything found on the computer saying that his friends were looking at it.  After this last episode, he said that he wouldn't watch them anymore because he knows how much it really bothers me.  But I work overnights and leave for work at 9:30 PM so he has hours all to himself... while I am at work, I am soooooo afraid that he is on the computer or has other hidden porn that I do not know about.   

  

In my head, I know that this has nothing to do with me.  That he is just sick and perverted and I am just fine being me.  But I can't help but feel not worthy or that I am not enough for him.  Our sex life is practically none existence.  We are 24 years old and we probably have sex 2 or 3 times a month.  I have tried to initiate sex constantly and he constantly turns me down.   

  

I too wonder if he is someone worth marrying and if I should wait for him to be ready to get married.  I guess it doesn't matter how old they are, 24 or 42, some problems don't have an age limit.  We just moved in together and that is the only reason that I even had a chance to stumble upon what I found in his car.  As soon as I opened the trunk they were in a case right on top.  He tried to tell me that he hasn't watch them in a long time and that he was going to get rid of them.  But I know better.  What is it with men and lying to you when the evidence is right in front of you?   

Yes porn is a big problem for a lot of guys. THat stuff is addictive, it is constantly swarming around in their heads, it is a constant distraction, it is a real pain if you get stuck into it. It is a habit, that once starts, is VERY hard to break. and it probably isn't personal, so don't worry too much about it. its NO reflection on you whatsoever.  
 
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bkoshy
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May 24, 2006, 9:09 am PDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: beaushell

 The whole porn thing is a really big problem.  I have had two partners in the last 3 years who have been into this the first one would spend hours on his computer and would be "too tired" to make love to me.  He wanted me to have sex with another woman with him.  This relationship destroyed my self esteem.  The second relationship was better but after 18 months he came to me one night and said that the thought he may need counselling because he had a 'morbid fascination' with porn.  I asked him if he had been looking at it on the net on my computer and he said yes but he didn't touch himself.  I was cut, mainly because I can't understand why he needs porn when we had a perfectly good sex life.  It makes me feel like I am not enough for him.  He knows how I feel about this but I remained calm thanked him for being honest and asked him if by "morbid fascination' was it something that he wanted to change.  He eventually admitted that he didn't really have a problem with it and couldn't understand why I did and that he felt that it was something that he had to give up because he was with me.  I told him that I would not be responsible for making him give up something that he wanted in order to be with me because it would just cause resentment.  I also told him that I have a problem with it and by allowing him to do this in order to make him happy would just make me angry and resentful so we called it quits.  Maybe there is girls out there that are happy to have their partners watching porn and hopefully he finds one.  Its just not me. 

Rule #1 Just about all men masturbate - would this be a problem for you if they did so in marriage/a relationship? - because they ALL do do it.  

Rule #2: A LOT of men (a good proportion - i'd say maybe 80% do PORN) - is this a problem for you in marriage/relationship?   

If these are going to be issues for you (as they are with a lot of women) good luck finding a man who does neither (they DON"T EXIST). Men will be men. THat's the way it is.  
 
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mommy2cami
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May 24, 2006, 9:25 am PDT

in love but confused about the future

Dear Dr. Phil,  

   

I met a wonderful man about 9 months ago, and have been in a serious relationship with him for a little over 6 months now. I am 22 and he is 37.  He has been through 2 divorces, and the last one really nailed him bad, financially and emotionally.  His divorce was finalised about a month before we started dating.  He was engaged to his last wife for 2 years, married for 5, and separated for 1 1/2 years.  So all together he was WITH her for about 7 years.  I had just gotten out of a pretty rotton relationship of 3 years before we started dating, so we were both fresh meat, as the saying goes.  Our relationship progressed quite rapidly and we fell in love within a couple of months.  We recently got an apartment together and have been living together for almost 2 months.  I am so in love with this man and every day I find myself loving him even more.  But there are a few delemas..  I am on the verge of a custody battle with my ex-boyfriend with whom I have a 22-month-old daughter.  When I was with my ex-boyfriend he was constantly verbally abusive towards me, so when I decided that I wasn't going to take the abuse anymore and ended the relationship I moved out.  I ended up staying with my parents for a few months, but they did not want my daughter living there because of certain circumstances so she could not live with me.  My ex-boyfriend has had my daughter all this time and has only allowed me to see her a hand full of times.  Because of all of this mess I told this wonderful man that I don't know if I will ever be able to trust having another child with someone.  I would love to have another child someday, especially with such a loving and caring person, but I am scared to death about it.  I know that none of this is his fault and that most relationships come with old baggage and that everyone deserves a chance at things, but I am also scared of me, because I don't know if I will ever be able to love another child as much as my first because of the separation with her.  We haven't really seriously discussed having a child yet, thought the subject has come up.  He has no children and would like to have a child before the age of 40.  I would like to get your feedback on what to do and how to heal first.  The other delema is that I would like to get married to this man someday, preferably sooner than later(before having a child).  I understand that there is no rush, and for that I am content for right now.  One thing I do know is that marriage is the last thing on this wonderful man's mind because of all of the hurt and frustration that he has been through.  I think that he feels the same way about marriage as I do about having children.  He is scared to death.  We both love eachother very much, but how do we overcome such tremendous circumstances, if you would call them circumstances?  I would really appreciate your feedback on this message, as well as anyone else who would like to give some advice.  Thank you so much for reading =)  

   

   

~Joanna  
 
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rose48602
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May 24, 2006, 10:14 am PDT

Ready to get married

I am 21 years old and I have been with the same guy for almost 2 years we have talked about getting married and even set a date last year but we could not go through with it. I know that I am ready to get married but how do I know if my Boyfriend is ready? We talk about it all the time but I just get this feeling that he is not ready and how do I tell for sure if he is. someone please help me.
 
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