Topic : Ready for Marriage?

I have been dating a woman for almost two months now. I have nevr been in love this way in my life, i never realized how real it all was. i have no doubt in any way she is the person i want to be with the rest of my life. things are really great between us. but she sometimes seems to get upset that i have been married once before and have two children from that marriage. i was married for about 10 years and it was i mistake from the very start. the marriage was a result of a pregnancy, which is not the reason you marry someone i realize now. she was unfaithful several times during the marraige and because of the kids i tried to stick with it. i was just not capable of doing that and withdrew more and more. after the dvorce i pretty much just completely shut down. gave up on people and love all together. figured i would live out the rest of my life that way. I dated but was never anything serious or really anything i was much interested in. but i was always up front with people about that, i never wanted to misslead anyone. so when this girl came along, needless to say it was a total surprise. i guess thats maybe the way it happens sometimes, when you least expect it. the issue is that she seems to get upset sometimes about the ex wife and the kids as well. we have talked about the possibilty of a future together. marraiage, kids and so on. we both want the same things. she has never been married or had children. she asks me how us have a baby will work since i already have two. i dont know how to reassure her and comfort her to the fact that i want a family with her, and that is something i have never had. i understand her concerns, i just dont know how to express how i feel about this. i want to be a part of something bigger than just me. im sure it will be fine once she meets the kids. they are both so sweet and i know she loves me so im sure she will love them as well. but she seems to get jelous over my ex. and i dont even know how to react to that. i have no feelings for this person. she has been horrible throughout the entire marriage and seperation and divorce. i dont claim to be a saint or anything but she has really been impossible, hurtful, manipulative, you name it. its finally gotten to the point where i cant even feel the hate i once felt towards her. to me she simply doesn't exist. so how can i deal with the woman i love being worried that there is still something there. i understand her concerns, just not sure what to do about it. she says it is her problem to deal with, she loves me and she just needs to get it worked out for herself. should i just give her time or try to help. when she tells me her concerns i just get crushed. here is a woman that has shown me what true love really feels like and she feels treatened by someone i have no feelings for at all. i dont want this to keep building into a bigger problem... 

I would not drop anyone, especially like THAT! that's is immature, rude and very mean. Would it break your heart if you were left like that, because the last time I checked men are human too and they also have feelings. 

So, here's my take on this one... 

Sit down and talk to him, it never hurts, how do you think I got engaged, I have no ring, we have the date set both families and our friends know. Sure I would LOVE to have a ring too, I even showed him one I like but he says he won't buy it for me because it doesn't cost as much as the promise ring I already were everyday. 

Talking helps a lot of problems in relationships. Talk about everthing, never hold back how you feel. Look at me I have been with my fiance for 11 years (since I was 15) and we're still together. WE TALK.  There is no running away, no immature BS. Just talk whene there is a problem. It doesn't hurt, and like my fiance always says, "it doesn't hurt to ask". I hope this helps you. 

That  you need to think of you and what make you guys happy. I love my husban and I would never change that or all the fights in the world. But  to me a big wedding is just a waste. I did not walk down the aisle. I gohat t married @ the court house and NO i do not regret that. I you get married  in jeans and a T-shrit. Thats fine too. There is no way i would spend what my best friend did to get married in 2 weeks we are up to 20,000. that is a basic.  

mandi  

 is it a year ?  2 years ?  

  How long should a woman place herself on "hold"  when given a promise ring ?  

 I ask because I am seeing this trend... where a guy will give a woman a "promise ring" and there they sit.... 3, 5, 14 years later... 2 kids... and no marriage.    In my state that presents a problem because my state does not recognize common law marriage unless that common law marriage is recognized in another state.  Alot of people are under the misconception that  California does recognize common law marriage after 10 years.  No, in Texas, if you live together for 1 year, and refer to one another in public as wife or husband-- your cosidered common law, but in CA, it does not matter how long you live together. your not married.  CA's take on it is-- if you dont care enough to make it legal-- neither do we "...  

 So, alot of women are contributing to a household, house payments, car payments, etc...without benefit of marriage, and if the property is in HIS name,(as it usually is-- Cars, Home, dog, etc)  and they break up ?  She is shiza out of luck for her contribution (more to marriage than a peice of paper ladies)  so since the new scam is to giver her a promise ring, and then move in together under the pretense of "Common Law"  what is the life expectancy of a promise ring ?  How long should one place herself "on hold"  ? 

This is one of the reasons I am against women moving in with men, without benefit of marriage.  You stand to lose alot more than just your sanity.  

 As I was reading your post (I'm 42 by the way)  I was laughing about his antics.  Re-read what you wrote about him.. 

 "He will do whatever he needs to, to strike back !"  Does that sound like a grown man to you ?  

 You have trust issues with him from the past... (Good for you for not allowing that basket case to move back in )  and  he keeps REPEATING THE ACTIONS THAT LEAD TO MY NO TRUSTING HIMI".. Darlin' right there... You dont need a private detective to know what he's up to.   

I have met so many older men like this.  I know you dont want to be alone, but they're are men much nicer and more suited to you that this old fart... ha, ha.   He's still toying with his ex, and Im willing to bet he's toying with her as well.   You can do better.  I understand you want to be friends, but honestly, if this were me-- I'd cut him loose, join a golf group and go find others with my own maturity level.  He's probably been doing this his Whole life....and honestly, how much time do we have left for this kind of drama ??  

 Im glad you wont let him move back in, because you right (as experience has taught you) that he'll just be gone again, the next time he gets upset".  If I were you, I'd find other friends... this can't be good for you with all the stress, and I think  your teaching him to be more respectful of you by not letting him move back in, or come and go as he pleases like you used to.   Still I had to laugh " He says he's being treated unfairly or I'm talking crazy and he will do whatever he needs to-- to protect himself ".   Funny how you get blamed for standing up for yourself..  BRAVO ! 

Well, a good cure of him might be your absence for a little bit.  Amazing how that clears the senses for them when they get to be spoiled brats :)   Good Luck.  

Dear SamIam35,  

   I too, left my husband after he cheated, and I also have kids from that marriage. (notice I said Marriage ladies, not shack up) and I too have come across people, threatened by my previous relationship and having a "Repore" with my ex.  

  They dont seem to understand that I have to deal with his guys visitation with my kids.  I have to speak to him for the next 11 years.  I know what you mean by not even being capable of feeling hate for them for all the stuff they pull.  They don't seem to get that your lessons from that relationship are engrained, and no way would you go back.  

 Now, the only question I have is-- if you NOT behaving in a way that makes her suspicious, clandestine meetings with the ex,  secret phone calls, you know the games....because if your not then she has no reason to suspect any wrong doing on your part.  If you are where you say are and your with who you say your with, then the insecurities are on her side, and they are her problem.  So long as you dont have a past history of cheating on your present relationship, then she has no RIGHT to question you.  The jealousy is HER Problem .  What drives me nuts is when potential dating material wants to punish me for their past relationships.  Just becasue they got cheated on by some girl in college, they suspect every woman of cheating.  Honestly, they are not worth my time and effort, when I have done nothing to earn their suspects.  That's just me.  I know I deserve better than that, and I am in a committed relationship now.  Each relationship has it's own merits, and the past should not be a factor if the person who hurt her is NOT you.   I can understand mistrust if it's earned, but I never understood this guilty before the crime is done stuff.  

 Money 1 

 VERY WELL STATED !  :)   Now if we can just train the women to stop hearing what they want to hear, and start listening to what they dont like... the whole species will be better off... (alot less fatherless children for starters)  Bums are bums... 

 A. I am just a font... I have no powers here.  

B.  He should get a DNA test, because he will be paying child support if that child is his.  So he should be paying for a child he KNOWS is his.  

C.  If you should decide to keep him in your life-- as Dr. Phil says "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior"  and so you know the score.  Personally, I wouldn't, but then again-- Im just a font, and I have no power.   :)  

D. If you should choose to keep him in your life, marry him-- he has this child.  Which means you have to deal with the kid--and any future, present children you have,  even when your apart from his father.  Expect to be the "caregiver 'but in the end you have a bonus kid... it's your choice.  If that is his child, it's a package deal, and more than likely-- your going to be dealing with the mom, not your boyfriend.  (He's not a very good boyfriend is he ?)    

e.  P.s... .You can't save your boyfriend  from himself, but you might beable to save that kid....if it's his kid, and he really should find out.   If he "loves" you so much-- he should get a test.