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Topic : Ready for Marriage?
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May 28, 2006, 7:14 pm PDT
 Quote From: dewaele Well, it is worth it. Even if it doesn't work out, at least I'll know. I would not marry someone I didn't live with first. Also, I would not marry until living on my own. I have done both. I think people who miss out on these experiences don't go into marriage prepared. Sure, you can make the argument that people change after marriage so no one really knows what they're getting, but things like: "does he snore? is he a slob? is he horrible with money?" are questions that can only be answered by living with someone. Equal partnership? Definitely not. I do 90% of the housework, but I prefer it that way b/c I am a perfectionist when it comes to cleaning and I'd rather do it myself. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't exhausted, but maybe I'd be exhausted either way. Pros: companionship, excellent conversation on a daily basis, stability, learning more about each other every day, preparing for marriage Cons: lack of privacy, concern that he is sick of me (i.e.-bored, not attracted to me b/c he sees me too much), disagreements over decorating, not being able to have friends over that he doesn't like It is what I thought it would be? Well, nothing ever is. A lot of women go into living with a man with an unrealistic notion that they can mold or change him. Too many women think this way and it is ridiculous. I think this belief is the root of many fights between co-habitating couples. Living together is a great way to help you decide if the situation is something you want to sign up for for the rest of your life. That was very well stated , and honest, thank you :)
I lived with my husband for 2 years before I married him, and guess what ? he still changed ! All of sudden, a year after the vows, all these people from his life before my entrance came back, (They were not in his life when we were dating) and I had no idea who he became under their influence. He was definately different.
I dont live with my present boyfriend.... because I already did that, I married that guy, and it did not work out. I'll put up with alot, but never another woman-- especially an ex girlfriend. I figure if my ex husband wanted her, he should have married her. No, they are not together now. The Fool :)
I will say the lonliness of being single again sux, but the upside is when my boyfriend blows up over something, it's nice to be able to tell him to get lost . I also enjoy my freedom of not having to "Check in" with anyone but my kids. Im also not picking up after someone, or expected to do as you say "90%" I found that true in marriage from car maintenance to housekeeping. It's nice not to have to schedule any appointments but my own for the DMV, car repairs, and if I want to go to dinner, I dont have to argue with anyone about how much I'm spending. I dont miss that at all.
Thanks for your answer. |
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May 28, 2006, 8:13 pm PDT
Quote From: divergrl75 I have dated this guy for 5.5 years. I am 30 and he is 33. He finally poped the question and we got engaged. Sometimes I feel like we are really just roomates. Here's some reasons why. One time I was out with some friends and they left and I got stranded downtown. It happens in large crowds. So, I called up my boyfriend to pick me up and he didn't pick up the phone so I had no phone book with me and only twenty dollars. It wasn't enough to get home via cab. I hitchiked home and when I got home the phone was unplugged. I plugged the phone back in and there were my messages. I got really upset because he had the energy to get out of bed and disconnect the line but not to answer the phone or pick me up. I need to know if I'm making a mistake by calling it off and moving forward alone. I'm going through some tough times at work and only working small hours and not making a lot of money. we had a deal where I paid for the bills and groceries and he paid for the rent. With the small amount of money I get, I focuss on paying the bills and THEN I go grocery shopping with what I have left. As I mentioned, I haven't been working as much so I haven't made a whole lot. I paid off our bills but this time I couldn't afford to buy groceries. When he found out I couldn't afford to buy groceries, he got mad and said that he would buy them AGAIN and that I am not to eat his food. I thought we were suppose to be a team. Several times I do remember buying with little that I have I would still buy him what he wanted. Another thing that bothers me is that after 5.5 years he still can't say he loves me. Guys just say that he has a hard time expressing himself. I need to know the truth. I mean come on. FIVE years and he still can't say it? I quit eating his food and started to sleep on the couch. I figure that if he wants to treat me like a roomate, I will act like a roomate and completely cut him off from sex and sleep on the couch. I have been feeling so empty and it's making me wonder why I am with him. I found out that when he was younger his mother didn't want anything to do with him and that it was only till he ws a teenager that she just got involved in his life. His father is a lot like him. Another thing I don't like is that he doesn't understand why I get upset about him looking at internet porn/girls. At first it really didn't bother me then the more I thought about it, It did bother me. He can look at other woman and can't say he loves me or even show me he loves me. That is why I feel so crappy. I'm not getting or feeling any love from him. It all comes down to this ring he bought me.........I think it was a "shut up" ring. He doesn't like to talk about setting a date (It's been 3 months) he told his friend when he asked when were getting married 2 years from now. I gave back the ring and now I'm thinking I made a mistake. I'm feeling really confused because I love him. I have already spoke to him about how I feel and he sais that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't care or love me. How can I get him to say he loves me and to start being a fiance instead of a roomate. Or, am I really wasting my time with this one. He woke up this morning and just left to work without saying goodbye. He's making out like nothing is wrong or like he doesn't care. Any Ideas? My boyfriend and I had talked about moving in, he hadn't told me he loved me. I wasn't going to move in with a guy who couldnt say that-we had been together for a year. Without telling him this, he did tell me he loved me. We lived together for a year, marriage was discussed. I had been married before, he hadn't. I decided I couldn't marry him because I found out he was chatting with girls online in a very sexual way. SIx months after this, I moved out. We are still together, but drifting apart. I don't see how you can live with somebody that long who can't even tell you he loves you. It's time you find a man who will treat you the way you ought to be treated. I too had financial reasons why I moved in with him. We had the same agreement, I paid utilities and food. Living on my own has been financially rough, I have had to pick up more hours at work, but it is well worth it. I feel like I have control of my own future. I moved out on good terms, he even helped me move. I didn't want to wait until the relationship had completely died. It's time to find some happiness in your life, because this guy is dragging you down. |
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May 28, 2006, 10:56 pm PDT
Hello. I have a question for anyone out there reading. I dated my first b/f for 6 yrs., we were 19 & 21. I didn't pressure him into the 'marriage' thing, because I knew he was building his career, going to school etc...but, he also didn't want to even discuss it...made him uptight...In the 6 yrs. he never even took me back to his homestate to meet his mom. Said, he couldn't afford going. We'll I stayed patient, till I couldn't anymore. I said what it is I needed, and wanted to know if that was in his plans. I always seem alittle on the 'outs' as far as HIS LIFE CAREER, etc...well I realized how unhappy I was, and left him. He came to my house, and angrily said "ok lets go out and buy that ring', I knew it was over...I don't want a guy that way...anyway, several yrs. later, I contacted him again. I first started off, I just wanted to see how life was for him. We started dating again for 2 yrs. Same thing happen. I thought after all those yrs. he would of changed somehow, and wanted a future that included 'marriage' one day. Well he couldn't talk about it, got anger just mentioning it. I even ask him if we could go see his mom, she's 94 now...but, he got uptight about that too...I told him I was afraid she'd die, and I wouldn't get a chance to see her...He said he spends 1 wk. a yr., as a 'working vacation' to help her at Thanksgiving time...I said, couldn't I go with him. I even said, I can stay at a hotel or his sister that is nearby, and he harashly said 'no'...I wanted to give him his one-on-one time alone with his mom...All I wanted was 1 day, Thanksgiving...how happy it would make me to be sitting across the table with his mom...(which is also close to my birthday) he said, no...that it's a WORKING VACATION, and I just don't understand....that he'd get distracted from what he needs to do...and once he did say, that his mom deserves to have him all to herself. (which I completely agree) that's why I suggested staying at his sister's or a hotel...all I wanted was 1 day, perhaps go to church with her...he just gets very uptight about it all the time...I just don't understand...I even took him to a very calm, peaceful place to discuss all this...he still got uptight...and then he turns it all around on me somehow...I said, let's go see a counselor and discuss it...he says he doesn't have a problem, I do...so, I broke up once again...he keeps calling me, says horrible things...that I never cared...I used him...on and on...What do you think? thanks |
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May 29, 2006, 12:39 am PDT
Quote From: samiam35 I have been dating a woman for almost two months now. I have nevr been in love this way in my life, i never realized how real it all was. i have no doubt in any way she is the person i want to be with the rest of my life. things are really great between us. but she sometimes seems to get upset that i have been married once before and have two children from that marriage. i was married for about 10 years and it was i mistake from the very start. the marriage was a result of a pregnancy, which is not the reason you marry someone i realize now. she was unfaithful several times during the marraige and because of the kids i tried to stick with it. i was just not capable of doing that and withdrew more and more. after the dvorce i pretty much just completely shut down. gave up on people and love all together. figured i would live out the rest of my life that way. I dated but was never anything serious or really anything i was much interested in. but i was always up front with people about that, i never wanted to misslead anyone. so when this girl came along, needless to say it was a total surprise. i guess thats maybe the way it happens sometimes, when you least expect it. the issue is that she seems to get upset sometimes about the ex wife and the kids as well. we have talked about the possibilty of a future together. marraiage, kids and so on. we both want the same things. she has never been married or had children. she asks me how us have a baby will work since i already have two. i dont know how to reassure her and comfort her to the fact that i want a family with her, and that is something i have never had. i understand her concerns, i just dont know how to express how i feel about this. i want to be a part of something bigger than just me. im sure it will be fine once she meets the kids. they are both so sweet and i know she loves me so im sure she will love them as well. but she seems to get jelous over my ex. and i dont even know how to react to that. i have no feelings for this person. she has been horrible throughout the entire marriage and seperation and divorce. i dont claim to be a saint or anything but she has really been impossible, hurtful, manipulative, you name it. its finally gotten to the point where i cant even feel the hate i once felt towards her. to me she simply doesn't exist. so how can i deal with the woman i love being worried that there is still something there. i understand her concerns, just not sure what to do about it. she says it is her problem to deal with, she loves me and she just needs to get it worked out for herself. should i just give her time or try to help. when she tells me her concerns i just get crushed. here is a woman that has shown me what true love really feels like and she feels treatened by someone i have no feelings for at all. i dont want this to keep building into a bigger problem... Hi there, I think I may understand what your girlfiend is feeling, I felt sort of the same at the beginning of my relationship with my husband. He is also divorced and he has 2 girls from his previous marriage. He and I started dating 6 weeks after his wife left him for his best friend. The divorce was finalised on his and my 7 month anniversary. Like you have descibed your current relationship, my husband used to say and still does, that he felt that way with me. Real love, true commitment, he says that I taught him what love truly was. It was difficult for me to really understand because from day one our relationship was fantastic and I felt that he had had this before and it wasnt as special for him as it was for me. Only when he sat me down and explained how his marriage was and how miserable they both were and how she manipulated him and used him did I really get an understanding. They still talk about the kids and she and I speak aswell. I was worried that I would have to resign myself to never having my own child because my husband already had 2, but he couldnt wait to have more children and he was beside himself when our son was born, it was his first natural birth and he got to cut the cord and hold the baby right away, which he couldnt do with his girls. I think that only when my husband actually gave me an idea of how our relationship was different by telling me about how abnormal his marriage was did I begin to get over these feelings. My husband used to work over time at work and take on extra jobs over weekends in order to not go home to his wife. Since being with me, he tripled his salary in 1 year and only works 8-5 Monday to Friday it is examples like this that helped me to understand how special our relationship was compared to what he had had. He says he would never have even changed jobs if he had still been married to the ex because they didnt have the type of supportive relationship we have. I must say my insecurities lasted about 1 and a half years into our relationship, but they were most intense during the first 4 months or so. I think a lot of girls feel this way because no one wants to be 2nd best. Especially when you are young. There is also a sense of mourning- death of a dream, girls dream of how they are going to wisked off by their knight in shining armour, married forever, be the first and only and to be the only mother of your husbands children. It is still early days and she will get over it, just allow her her time and give her the space to ask questions about the ex and your marriage answer them truthfully and in no time it will no longer be an issue!! |
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May 29, 2006, 1:02 am PDT
Quote From: dee0123 Hello. I have a question for anyone out there reading. I dated my first b/f for 6 yrs., we were 19 & 21. I didn't pressure him into the 'marriage' thing, because I knew he was building his career, going to school etc...but, he also didn't want to even discuss it...made him uptight...In the 6 yrs. he never even took me back to his homestate to meet his mom. Said, he couldn't afford going. We'll I stayed patient, till I couldn't anymore. I said what it is I needed, and wanted to know if that was in his plans. I always seem alittle on the 'outs' as far as HIS LIFE CAREER, etc...well I realized how unhappy I was, and left him. He came to my house, and angrily said "ok lets go out and buy that ring', I knew it was over...I don't want a guy that way...anyway, several yrs. later, I contacted him again. I first started off, I just wanted to see how life was for him. We started dating again for 2 yrs. Same thing happen. I thought after all those yrs. he would of changed somehow, and wanted a future that included 'marriage' one day. Well he couldn't talk about it, got anger just mentioning it. I even ask him if we could go see his mom, she's 94 now...but, he got uptight about that too...I told him I was afraid she'd die, and I wouldn't get a chance to see her...He said he spends 1 wk. a yr., as a 'working vacation' to help her at Thanksgiving time...I said, couldn't I go with him. I even said, I can stay at a hotel or his sister that is nearby, and he harashly said 'no'...I wanted to give him his one-on-one time alone with his mom...All I wanted was 1 day, Thanksgiving...how happy it would make me to be sitting across the table with his mom...(which is also close to my birthday) he said, no...that it's a WORKING VACATION, and I just don't understand....that he'd get distracted from what he needs to do...and once he did say, that his mom deserves to have him all to herself. (which I completely agree) that's why I suggested staying at his sister's or a hotel...all I wanted was 1 day, perhaps go to church with her...he just gets very uptight about it all the time...I just don't understand...I even took him to a very calm, peaceful place to discuss all this...he still got uptight...and then he turns it all around on me somehow...I said, let's go see a counselor and discuss it...he says he doesn't have a problem, I do...so, I broke up once again...he keeps calling me, says horrible things...that I never cared...I used him...on and on...What do you think? thanks I think that he is afraid of making a committment, he wants you and he wanted to be with you he just doesnt want to take that step and now that you are not taking his nonsense anymore his nose is all out of joint about it and he his ego is bruised because you left him. That is what I think. If he didnt care he wouldnt be wasting his time calling to say mean things. Good for you!! Now all you have to do is move on and you will find that person who cant wait to introduce you to his family and make you a part of it. CONGRATS!! |
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May 29, 2006, 1:15 am PDT
Quote From: trinket
is it a year ? 2 years ?
How long should a woman place herself on "hold" when given a promise ring ?
I ask because I am seeing this trend... where a guy will give a woman a "promise ring" and there they sit.... 3, 5, 14 years later... 2 kids... and no marriage. In my state that presents a problem because my state does not recognize common law marriage unless that common law marriage is recognized in another state. Alot of people are under the misconception that California does recognize common law marriage after 10 years. No, in Texas, if you live together for 1 year, and refer to one another in public as wife or husband-- your cosidered common law, but in CA, it does not matter how long you live together. your not married. CA's take on it is-- if you dont care enough to make it legal-- neither do we "...
So, alot of women are contributing to a household, house payments, car payments, etc...without benefit of marriage, and if the property is in HIS name,(as it usually is-- Cars, Home, dog, etc) and they break up ? She is shiza out of luck for her contribution (more to marriage than a peice of paper ladies) so since the new scam is to giver her a promise ring, and then move in together under the pretense of "Common Law" what is the life expectancy of a promise ring ? How long should one place herself "on hold" ?
This is one of the reasons I am against women moving in with men, without benefit of marriage. You stand to lose alot more than just your sanity. Promise rings are just a waste!! Its either an engagement ring or it's not. I never got the concept of a promise ring. An engagement is a promise, so why not just get engaged?? Doesnt make any sense to me!! |
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May 29, 2006, 7:07 am PDT
I am going to share my story in the hope that it atleast makes one person think before getting married. I was married when I was 22. I had been living with him from when I was 19. We met in a bar one night and he was very good looking. I had caused a few ruptions in my family and I wanted to get out of the house but couldnt afford to do it alone. He already had a flat and I basically lied about my father treating me unfairly and that I had to escape. I believed myself. I moved in with him and all was ok. My brother in law offered him a position within his company after we had been dating for about 2 years. He worked very hard, I also worked and we were getting somewhere slowly. It wasnt fast enough for me. We fought all the time about stupid things, I can be difficult and if I look back I really didnt treat him well, I was very authoritarian and he stopped trying. I knew that the main reason he didnt tell to leave was because of the fact that he worked for my brother in law. After he got the job I started pressuring him to get married. My parents had given me the "why buy the cow speech" and I knew that the fact that he had taken the job from my brother in law meant that he was pretty stuck. He wanted to wait said he didnt want to get married yet. I sulked, cried, manipulated. Eventually he said ok,we were married 3 months later. He was miserable I could see it and I made it worse. I fell pregnant 3 months after we got married. We had decided not to have children, but I went off the pill without telling him. We had our daughter he was a good dad but he worked so that I could spend and he wasnt home much. 3 years later I decided that I wanted another kid,he didnt. he said that we never communicated without fighting and he didnt want to bring another child into the picture. I pouted, sulked, cried and manipulated. I got pregnant. Now he worked harder, to pay for the second child. I worked as well but not as hard and I didnt earn as much. I started fooling around with his best friend because he was around about 3 years into marriage. I left him for his best friend when our youngest was 5 months old. He met someone else, got married, had a son. My boyfriend and I are still togther but our relationship has been rocky we are on and off and I am miserable. I expected him to pine after me for the rest of his life. He felt relief when I left. I crawled back just before our divorce was to be finalised. He told me that he had never been happier in his entire life with the new woman in his life, they werent married yet, but he told me that day, 7 months after our seperation that he was going to marry her and he loved her and she taught him what love and happiness was. He said I was poison but he would help me leave my boyfriend since I was so unhappy. I threated saying that I would stay in the abusive relationship with the kids unless he took me back. He told me that he wouldnt take me back if his life depended on it and even if his girlfriend died the next day he still wouldnt take me back because she had shown him his worth.
For some reason I have not been able to see him move on, I am so jealous of his wife that I imagine myself killing her. My children love her and speak so fondly of her, I sometimes find myself saying horrid things about her in front of the kids so that they wont like her. She is always very sweet to me, she even phones me on my birthday and sends gifts on mothers day. He never rally loved me, I knew that even then, but he was good looking and successful and I loved him, so I forced him into marriage. I made his life hell and I treated him badly, subconciously I think I wanted to break him down so that he would never leave me. I only had the kids to keep him from leaving and then when I was unhappy I left for another man. At the end of the day he is happy and has moved on and I am miserable and bitter. I knew he wasnt ready for marriage but I wanted it and I forced him. I made us both miserable and now I am miserable by myself. All of you out there who are pressuring your significant others into marriage, please think twice!! It got me nowhere. I am being very honest here since i am anonymous, but in reality I am not this honest with others. I still blame him and I try everything to interfere and get at him. It is driving me crazy. I just want you all to know that no true happiness comes from a forced marriage or manipulation. I didnt realise what I was doing and if I did I was in denial, I still am!! |
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May 29, 2006, 8:40 pm PDT
Quote From: nobody3 I am going to share my story in the hope that it atleast makes one person think before getting married. I was married when I was 22. I had been living with him from when I was 19. We met in a bar one night and he was very good looking. I had caused a few ruptions in my family and I wanted to get out of the house but couldnt afford to do it alone. He already had a flat and I basically lied about my father treating me unfairly and that I had to escape. I believed myself. I moved in with him and all was ok. My brother in law offered him a position within his company after we had been dating for about 2 years. He worked very hard, I also worked and we were getting somewhere slowly. It wasnt fast enough for me. We fought all the time about stupid things, I can be difficult and if I look back I really didnt treat him well, I was very authoritarian and he stopped trying. I knew that the main reason he didnt tell to leave was because of the fact that he worked for my brother in law. After he got the job I started pressuring him to get married. My parents had given me the "why buy the cow speech" and I knew that the fact that he had taken the job from my brother in law meant that he was pretty stuck. He wanted to wait said he didnt want to get married yet. I sulked, cried, manipulated. Eventually he said ok,we were married 3 months later. He was miserable I could see it and I made it worse. I fell pregnant 3 months after we got married. We had decided not to have children, but I went off the pill without telling him. We had our daughter he was a good dad but he worked so that I could spend and he wasnt home much. 3 years later I decided that I wanted another kid,he didnt. he said that we never communicated without fighting and he didnt want to bring another child into the picture. I pouted, sulked, cried and manipulated. I got pregnant. Now he worked harder, to pay for the second child. I worked as well but not as hard and I didnt earn as much. I started fooling around with his best friend because he was around about 3 years into marriage. I left him for his best friend when our youngest was 5 months old. He met someone else, got married, had a son. My boyfriend and I are still togther but our relationship has been rocky we are on and off and I am miserable. I expected him to pine after me for the rest of his life. He felt relief when I left. I crawled back just before our divorce was to be finalised. He told me that he had never been happier in his entire life with the new woman in his life, they werent married yet, but he told me that day, 7 months after our seperation that he was going to marry her and he loved her and she taught him what love and happiness was. He said I was poison but he would help me leave my boyfriend since I was so unhappy. I threated saying that I would stay in the abusive relationship with the kids unless he took me back. He told me that he wouldnt take me back if his life depended on it and even if his girlfriend died the next day he still wouldnt take me back because she had shown him his worth.
For some reason I have not been able to see him move on, I am so jealous of his wife that I imagine myself killing her. My children love her and speak so fondly of her, I sometimes find myself saying horrid things about her in front of the kids so that they wont like her. She is always very sweet to me, she even phones me on my birthday and sends gifts on mothers day. He never rally loved me, I knew that even then, but he was good looking and successful and I loved him, so I forced him into marriage. I made his life hell and I treated him badly, subconciously I think I wanted to break him down so that he would never leave me. I only had the kids to keep him from leaving and then when I was unhappy I left for another man. At the end of the day he is happy and has moved on and I am miserable and bitter. I knew he wasnt ready for marriage but I wanted it and I forced him. I made us both miserable and now I am miserable by myself. All of you out there who are pressuring your significant others into marriage, please think twice!! It got me nowhere. I am being very honest here since i am anonymous, but in reality I am not this honest with others. I still blame him and I try everything to interfere and get at him. It is driving me crazy. I just want you all to know that no true happiness comes from a forced marriage or manipulation. I didnt realise what I was doing and if I did I was in denial, I still am!! If you can find the courage to forgive yourself, you will find relief from your misery. You take responsibility for your actions, although it doesn't do any good at this point because you can't take any of it back- but instead of dwelling on all this negativity, you need to force yourself to focus on what is positive. Your negativity is going to drive away your children. Do you think they will trust you much if you continue to say such nasty comments about their father's lovely girlfriend? No, they wont, instead, they will start to censor what they tell you, and bit by bit, you will be shut out. Before long, you won't know at all what is going on in their lives while they are with their father. Don't do this to them- they don't deserve it. This was all your doing, and only you can un-do it. You say you can't be this honest in real life, and that is fine- you don't have to be, all you have to do is STOP blaming your ex, because you know that you are lieing when you do that. You are the strongest female roll model for your children, what you do, they will do- unless you drive them away with your negativity first, that is. You need to model for them that women deserve to be respected and cherished, and relationships are built on respect , friendship, and trust. The best advice I have for you is to seek professional help for yourself as soon as possible. Your misery will consume you- you already know that. Being a negative person is draining, and it drains the people around you, also. Where do you see yourself in five years, especially if you continue with this behavior? Alone, lonely, and totally miserable. Right now, you have a chance, but you need to take that chance- grab it with both hands and pull yourself up. Its all up to YOU. |
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May 29, 2006, 8:50 pm PDT
Quote From: carmelo75 A little background info first. My fiance is the father of my youngest daughter. We met in college about 14 years ago. We had a on and off again relationship, because of him. He decided to be with someone else after I got pregnant. About 10 years ago he came to me and really impressed upon me that I was the one he wanted to be with, that he wanted to marry me etc. We were living in different cities in the same state, which was the case most of the time. Anyway...he cancelled a date with me once when he was supposed to come in to town and go see a comedy show with me. Come to find out he did come to town...he did go to the show, but with an ex-girlfriend, who also had a ring she called an engagement ring. It's a small world because one of my best friend's was in town, met a girl friend of hers to go to the same show, and the girl's boyfriend just happened to know "my guy". That's how I found out. I ended up finding out that he was living with the ex. So of course I knew I had to move on. I became celibate that day and have remained so until now. Sorry this is taking me so long. I dated someone else for about 5 years, that relationship ended, but while I was still in that relationship, my daughter's father came to me again. He gave me details of bad relationships, women using him and professed his love for me once again. I didn't give in then. But two years after my other relationship ended I started dating him again long distance. He said he wanted to get married etc. but then my heart gets broken when he says he got a young woman pregnant. He swears it was a mishap due to drinking and partying too hard and says he does not even remember the act. Several people I know think he should have a DNA test and that I should not marry him until he does. He has matured a great deal within the last two years, but I still have a hard time getting over this last incident with the child. I love him but I worry he will choose someone else over me again. Any thoughts? The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. It is hard, but the fact is that, people will do what they have always done until they have a reason to do something else. So, what exactly is your fiance's reason to be faithful at this time of his life? What evidence is there to suggest to you that he truly has changed, and that he will be faithfull to you now? Lastly, what about your self respect? How does it make you feel to know that you are his woman to 'fall back on'... the woman who will take him back, again and again, even though he has been unfaithful and very hurtfull to you? Are you ready to settle for being the last on his list? Before going through with the marriage, I strongly urge you to seek pre-marital counceling. You both will learn much about yourselves, and you can learn ways to improve the trust between one another. When you have the proper tools to deal with your problems, there will be improvement- and that is, with or without him. I wish you the best!! |
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May 30, 2006, 7:26 am PDT
Quote From: trinket
When I was 38.. (married with a 3 year old child) I had a 21 year old KID chasing me. I found it ridiculous. He was my church friends son. It was LUDICROUS !.. and I told his parents on him. They sent him to Korea on a mission, and my last words to him were I hoped the girls fathers over there did not chop him into fish bait. He had no respect for my marriage, my child, my family ties, my friendship with his parents.... and I am suspect of any person with this kind of age spread in their relationship. It speaks to other problems.
My question is-- What does a 37 year old, twice divorced MAN, find interesting in a 22 year old KID ?? Because you are a Kid... you lack the life experience, relationship experience and general "Seeing around corners" capability that comes with being older and wiser. So I suspect your live in boyfriend-- is just in this for ego boost of having a young trophy on his arm. It's probably just to tick his ex- wife off. As he progresses through life.... in 10 years he's going to be 47... and your gong to be 32... you wont catch up to him mentally for another 20 years or so from right now.
Makes me question his emotional maturity also, which might answer why he's divorced twice.
As to your child issues. We have courts for that-- and I suspect the whole story is not being told. Good Luck, I suspect your going to see a repeat of your past in this one.
Thank you for the reply. I'm sorry I didn't get your name, but your advice, if you would call it that was taken with a grain of salt. Thanks for the insult, but I'm not a child. How dare you judge the mental capacity of my boyfriend when you know nothing about him. We are both adults here and can make adult decisions. The fact that I have a few questions pending my relationship with him doesn't make me any different than anyone else. To answer your question, he first married at age 19 and admitted to me that it was an impulsive move and a mistake. He was married for 4 years and the relationship ended because he was tired of watching her children while she would go out with friends or to the bar. She also became a habitual heroin addict and ended up abandoning her children. Sadly to say, she passed from a self-inflicted shot gun wound to the head. His second wife, of 5 or so years, decided to have an affair. He revealed to me that a divorce had never even crossed his mind because he loved her so much, but the pain of the infidelity and the lies and trust issues ultimately ended the marriage. I know that he will not be ready to marry again for a while and that's okay, because I love this man and I can wait however long it takes. Now, you are right about one thing.. He does have 15 years of life experience on me, but just how immature do you think I am? Emotionally, we are at the same level. Mentally, we are in-tuned with one another. I have endured much more than the average 22-year-old women has. I also think differently that the average 22-year-old women does. So how mentally capable do you think I may be? Whatever you think is your own opinion, and I respect that, but you act like you know me and the truth of it is that you really don't. One thing I love about him is that he CAN be immature and live a little. He has a great sense of humor and we are definitely on the same page when it comes down to it. What's funny is that we do have our inner-child moments together and those are the best. Not like it matters, but just to let you know I was the one that went after him. And I didn't stop until I got him =) Before he and I even started dating I told my dad that I was going to be with this man. I just knew it. Another thing is that he doesn't even speak to his ex-wife except for the occasional phone call about his step children. I don't even think she knows about me which honestly doesn't matter. They don't get into personal conversation with one another, so that is that. I have got to say, your whole demeanor is depressing and pessimistic. I hope that in time you will learn to be less judge mental and more open about people's views and feelings on things. Just maybe you might try to wise up a little bit. We all have things to learn. Enjoy your day =)
~Joanna |
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