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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.
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aljohn123
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May 31, 2006, 9:05 am PDT

Should i forgive her?

I was with a young lady whom has hurt me badly. I walked in on her having sex with another man. Since then she has been trying to get back with me. My problem is that i am or wanting to forgive her but i don't think that i am doing a good job. I need help!
 
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mommy2cami
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May 31, 2006, 10:42 am PDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: rose48602

I am going through the same thing with my first born I have a little girl that is almost 3 I have only seen her once since my mom took her from me but I also now have a one year old son and my Boyfriend has a little boy that he has not seen in 2 years so I can relate with you alittle bit the best advice that I can give you is to do what makes you and your man feel happy. If you feel that you are ready to have a baby with this man than go for it but if  you are not ready explane to him that you are not and that it will take time for you to be ready for another baby. I want another baby so badly but my man is scared to have another baby because of what his ex did to him and I am willing to wait for him to be ready. no matter how long it takes. If you truly love him you will wait and the same goes for him. I hope that this has helped you in any way. 

  

  

Crystal 

Thank you for your reply.  I'm glad I'm not the only one in this position =)  I think he knows how I feel about having more children.  I did tell him how I felt about it, and he gave me the look of sadness like he would love to have children with me someday and I think that he thought  I meant I didn't want to have any more kids at all.  I'm not completely shunning the idea, just not right now.  I don't think either of us are ready for that yet.  We have only been together a little more than 6 months, and I promised myself that the next person I have children with I would marry first.  Talk about commitment =)  I would love to marry him, but he is not ready for that step quite yet, ya know? I will wait though, we are in no hurry.  I know that we are going to be together for a long time, if not forever.  I am sorry that you are not able to see your daughter.  I know exactly how you feel about that.  Every day is a struggle to even breathe, but you have to for HER =)  Hang in there, I will pray for you. 

  

~Joanna 

  
 
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mumma1
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June 1, 2006, 4:45 am PDT

You can learn from others .... regardless of age

Quote From: tooemo

Thanks for giving me a positive response. I didn't want to imply to anyone that i think i know everything. I hear that from everyone and i'm not afraid to admit that i don't know everything. I don't think that people in their 20's and over are old people. Every body's got opinions. I don't even know why i came to this message board. I guess i was looking for some advice but i found some angry responses. I've got my own opinions on the whole committed relationship thing. For now i'll just keep my opinions to myself in this message board. I'll have to find something else to do.

    Take it from some one who has been there You think you know ,but you have know idea. I am not  

foolish enough to think you will listen to me ,because i know i wouldn't have listened to someone like me at that age I DIDN'T! I just started learning from others mistakes because I have made plenty of my own!!!!! Be very very careful ... even most men my age have commitment issues don't trust that you 2 will be together forever you are still so young you will grow up and it is possible you will grow apart .... don't get a child involved it  makes things messy.  
 
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dee0123
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June 1, 2006, 11:00 pm PDT

should you forgive?

Quote From: aljohn123

I was with a young lady whom has hurt me badly. I walked in on her having sex with another man. Since then she has been trying to get back with me. My problem is that i am or wanting to forgive her but i don't think that i am doing a good job. I need help!
I think it's hard to forgive someone for doing something as hurtful as that...But, I think it also depends on how your relationship was at the time?  (not to excuse it) and the reasons why she did that?  Were you living with her?  She was with someone in your house???  Sounds even more hurtful...I think it's going to depend on if YOU think you could/want to forgive.  If she's really sorry, and that she's going to have to gain  your trust again...also, you two need counseling...IF you love her, and truly believe she loves you, then it may be worth a try...otherwise, you'll never know.  But, it won't be easy...she's going to have to really prove she's sorry and loves you...and you're going to have to try, and let your do that...she should accept you will have times, your anger will come out...but, if she loves you, she will do what it takes...and, if you see that, then perhaps you too will be able to slowly forgive...it takes time to forgive...so, don't be hard on yourself...let the anger out, if you  need to...just do it, so as to show her how much she hurt you...then, talk about it...hope the helps...
 
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bluelily87
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June 2, 2006, 9:55 am PDT

moving in

Hey everyone... i haven't been on here for a while... busy, busy! I just wanted to share my excitement with you all. My boyfriend and I have decided to move in together. We've been exclusive for 7 months now, and before that had met and talked on the net for prolly about 2 months. We're getting a place at the beginning of next month, so it'll be our 8th month! I am sooo excited. I think it'll be great! I know that there are some who feel that it may be too soon, but we have had many converstations about it, and I believe we're ready. We are getting a two bedroom so when his daughter comes to visit on the weekends he has her for, she will have her own room! Anyway, hope everyone is having as great a week as me, and have a wonderful weekend! 
 
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bluelily87
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June 2, 2006, 10:29 am PDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: mommy2cami

Thank you for the reply.  I'm sorry I didn't get your name, but your advice, if you would call it that was taken with a grain of salt.  Thanks for the insult, but I'm not a child.  How dare you judge the mental capacity of my boyfriend when you know nothing about him.  We are both adults here and can make adult decisions.  The fact that I have a few questions pending my relationship with him doesn't make me any different than anyone else.  To answer your question, he first married at age 19 and admitted to me that it was an impulsive move and a mistake.  He was married for 4 years and the relationship ended because he was tired of watching her children while she would go out with friends or to the bar.  She also became a habitual heroin addict and ended up abandoning her children.  Sadly to say, she passed from a self-inflicted shot gun wound to the head.  His second wife, of 5 or so years, decided to have an affair.  He revealed to me that a divorce had never even crossed his mind because he loved her so much, but the pain of the infidelity and the lies and trust issues ultimately ended the marriage.  I know that he will not be ready to marry again for a while and that's okay, because I love this man and I can wait however long it takes.  Now, you are right about one thing..  He does have 15 years of life experience on me, but just how immature do you think I am?  Emotionally, we are at the same level.  Mentally, we are in-tuned with one another.  I have endured much more than the average 22-year-old women has.  I also think differently that the average 22-year-old women does.  So how mentally capable do you think I may be? Whatever you think is your own opinion, and I respect that, but you act like you know me and the truth of it is that you really don't.  One thing I love about him is that he CAN be immature and live a little.  He has a great sense of humor and we are definitely on the same page when it comes down to it.  What's funny is that we do have our inner-child moments together and those are the best.  Not like it matters, but just to let you know I was the one that went after him.  And I didn't stop until I got him =)  Before he and I even started dating I told my dad that I was going to be with this man.  I just knew it.  Another thing is that he doesn't even speak to his ex-wife except for the occasional phone call about his step children.  I don't even think she knows about me which honestly doesn't matter.  They don't get into personal conversation with one another, so that is that.  I have got to say, your whole demeanor is depressing and pessimistic.  I hope that in time you will learn to be less judge mental and more open about people's views and feelings on things. Just maybe you might try to wise up a little bit.  We all have things to learn.  Enjoy your day =) 

  

Joanna 

 I just wanted to add a little snipit to your guys' posts... I can understand being with an older man... It is not the same thing as your relationship, but I am 21 and my boyfriend is 29. He has a child and a career and I have only done two years of a degree and am working part time as a cashier. To us, age does not matter at all. I have always been mature for my age because of my upbringing and because I was forced to grow up too early. I have never had that great of a relationship with guys my age. They are all too immature and I just can't deal with them. My guy is the best man I have ever been with and he would not be as great as he is if he hadn't had the extra 8 years on me that he does. real age really only has part to do with mental age... not all of it. Even friends of mine when they found out how old my guy was said " I always knew you would end up with an older man" because they knew who I was and that my mental age has always been higher than that of my peers.

Now, with that being said, I suggest you think very hard about whether or not you are ready to have another child. You said yourself that you are not sure, so i believe that says enough. I agree with Dr Phil when he says that every couple should see a premarital councillor before getting married, but I also believe that if you are planning on having a child, whether before or after marriage, you should do the same. Make sure you are really ready to have a child, and don't allow the fact that he wants a child before he's 40 to make up your mind. I have told my guy that i want to finish my school before I have a child and I would prefer to be married before bringing a child into the world. This being said, he knows that there is a possibility that he may not have his second child until he is 35ish... Remember, it takes 9 months for a child to brought into this world plus however long it takes to get pregnant. If he is 37, that means he will be forty in 2 and a bit years... so say he's got 2 1/2 yrs to go, that means that you only have another year before he's gonna want you to get pregnant and that you will need to get pregnant right away in order for him to keep his goal of the kid popping out by age 40. I hope he isn't trying to convince you to do something you don't want to....

Anyway, I think no matter what, you should go and see a therapist of some sort-preferrably with your guy. They may be able to help, especially since you both have been through some tough times.

There really is nothing wrong with age differences as long as you both are on the same page and are at least 20 years of age or older... you have had enough life experience to make your own decisions.
Some of the happiest couples have age differences... Even famous ppl are doing it... look at Donald Trump :p haha Don't know how happy they are, but he's got a hot wife, and she's got a rich husband and a kid... seems like a good thing for them!

Hope I have helped!!! :)
 
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boochie
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June 2, 2006, 11:15 am PDT

Trust?

I have a big problem with trusting people, and because of this, I keep drilling my fiance with a bunch of questions about his past.When we met over a year ago, I asked him if he had ever cheated on his ex girlfriend. He said no..many times. BUT, about 3 weeks ago, we were talking about how when we first felt ready to have sex, we were both so nervous that we almost didn't do it. I asked him if that had ever happened to him before. he said yes, that a couple years before he met me, he was with an old friend, and he was too nervous to perform..so to speak. well, a couple years ago, he was still with his ex, so I asked who it was with..he said he couldn't remember who it was. Another problem I have is that he made me a cassette tape with some really nice songs on it, and he talked in between songs, telling me why he choice it. I asked him if he had ever done this for anyone else before..again, he said no. About a week after he moved in with me, he asked me to get something for him out of an old dresser. There I found a cassette tape. At first I didn't want to know about it, but then it bugged me, so i listened to it. There were some of the same songs on it, that he gave to me. And, some of the things he said were word for word. This tape was for his ex. He gave it to her 13 years ago, but when I told him I found it, he said..he never remembered making it for her. Thats my main problem...he always says he forgets. Am I being lied to? What is the deal here? I love him so much, and I don't want us to argue, so I have been keeping my mouth shut.We are getting married in 4 months, and I'm scared cuz I have all this trust issues in my head,and I don't feel I can trust him. I feel betrayed and lied to....please help me understand?
 
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jenoc99
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June 2, 2006, 12:18 pm PDT

Trust issues

Quote From: boochie

I have a big problem with trusting people, and because of this, I keep drilling my fiance with a bunch of questions about his past.When we met over a year ago, I asked him if he had ever cheated on his ex girlfriend. He said no..many times. BUT, about 3 weeks ago, we were talking about how when we first felt ready to have sex, we were both so nervous that we almost didn't do it. I asked him if that had ever happened to him before. he said yes, that a couple years before he met me, he was with an old friend, and he was too nervous to perform..so to speak. well, a couple years ago, he was still with his ex, so I asked who it was with..he said he couldn't remember who it was. Another problem I have is that he made me a cassette tape with some really nice songs on it, and he talked in between songs, telling me why he choice it. I asked him if he had ever done this for anyone else before..again, he said no. About a week after he moved in with me, he asked me to get something for him out of an old dresser. There I found a cassette tape. At first I didn't want to know about it, but then it bugged me, so i listened to it. There were some of the same songs on it, that he gave to me. And, some of the things he said were word for word. This tape was for his ex. He gave it to her 13 years ago, but when I told him I found it, he said..he never remembered making it for her. Thats my main problem...he always says he forgets. Am I being lied to? What is the deal here? I love him so much, and I don't want us to argue, so I have been keeping my mouth shut.We are getting married in 4 months, and I'm scared cuz I have all this trust issues in my head,and I don't feel I can trust him. I feel betrayed and lied to....please help me understand?
What do you think? What does your inner voice say? How do you rationalize his excuses within yourself? I urge you to analyze your answers to those questions very closely. These issues that you have mentioned are suspicious. I find the cassette tape thing very suspicious- its highly unlikely that he forgot about that. He always says that he 'forgets'-- do you find that he has a memory problem in other areas of daily life? My suggestion to you is that you go to pre-marital counceling right away. Even when couples don't have issues, pre-marital counceling can be so helpful, because everyone can use guidance on how to improve communication. I wish you well!
 
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boochie
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June 3, 2006, 9:40 am PDT

Counceling

Quote From: jenoc99

What do you think? What does your inner voice say? How do you rationalize his excuses within yourself? I urge you to analyze your answers to those questions very closely. These issues that you have mentioned are suspicious. I find the cassette tape thing very suspicious- its highly unlikely that he forgot about that. He always says that he 'forgets'-- do you find that he has a memory problem in other areas of daily life? My suggestion to you is that you go to pre-marital counceling right away. Even when couples don't have issues, pre-marital counceling can be so helpful, because everyone can use guidance on how to improve communication. I wish you well!

Thank you for writing to me. I really apreciate this. I do feel very much lied to.I'm not sure why he would. The only reason would be because he doesn't want to hurt me. But, it hurts worse when you are lied to. I do love him very much, and I want to trust him. I have suggested Pre-marital counceling, and he said no. He feels that it can only cause more problems, and that if a couple can't work things out themselves, than they don't belong together. I feel our relationship will be in danger if this doesn't get resolved. He says I need to get off his back about it, but I can't help how I feel. He isn't being mean about it, he just wishes I would drop it, and realize that what matters now, is our relationship, not what has happened in the past. I do not believe for one second that he forgot who he almost slept with...I may be a blonde, but I'm not stupid!! As for the tape, well...I'm not sure on that one. I'm more towards the fact that it was a lie, but he did have a very bad relationship with his ex, and maybe he forgot, but once I told him about it, and showed it to him...he should have remembered. One good thing about me is that I don't hold things in. Once something looks or sounds odd to me...I ask about it. And if I feel he lied..I say so.  

  

Thanks again, and I do hope things work out for him and I, but i wish him and I could go to counceling.Maybe I should go by myself.. 
 
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letsmoveit

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June 4, 2006, 8:56 am PDT

Let's Move It!

I have been having significant issues with my long term boyfriend (3 1/2 years) as we have been contemplating marriage. He is 26 and I am 25. He is unwilling to make a comittment at this time, although he hopes that our relationship is able to work in the end. He says he is not happy with the status quo and realizes that he needs to make a decision about us, but it seems that I am the only one who ever brings up our relationship to talk about. Just recently though, he has told me that he's misersable without me. He tells me that he has a lot to talk to me about such as life goals, outlooks on life, etc., but never approaches me about these issues. He wants to make sure we have similar outlooks on life, as well as life goals, and that I will support him in his endeavors. (I always have.) He is quite idealistic in life, while I am a realist. I wish he would quit with all the theoretical mishmash and just get down to our compatability. We do have communication issues, and have been striving to work on them. I will say that we have made great advances with our communication in the last few month. I've read Dr. Phil's books, but we need some additional help. I am ready for marriage and am serious about taking the next step with him. How can we make this work? We both love each other, have a lot of respect for each other, and say we do both want to spend our lives together. He tells me all this.  I appreciate that he takes marriage so seriously, but I feel like the boy needs to grow up and figure out what he wants in life.  I feel like he'll be 40 and still trying to figure out what he wants out of life and who he wants in it.  I've read the book "He's just not that into you" and have found it very interesting. I'm sure everything I've written makes you want to say - he's just not that into you if he's not willing to commit to you! And I'm beginning to believe it myself. I must say, and I am not making excuses for him, my boyfriend is slow in life and it takes him a lot of time to do things, from work to education to it seems this relationship. I'm trying not to be overbearing or suffocate him but I feel like my time's running out, that I've been essentially waiting around for him to agree for us to go forward, and I don't know how much longer I can wait around. I've told him that I deserve to be with someone who knows that they want to be with me, which he acknowledges. However, I need some ANSWERS, because "I don't know"s just aren't cutting it anymore! I have been trying to find a couples counselor in our area but am having a terrible time doing so. I know Dr. Phil helps find therapists for people on the show, does the show have a running list of local therapists? I'd appreciate any advice. I know I'm not the first person to be in this situation, although I feel like I am and no one can offer me any serious advice. I feel I'm at the end of my rope and decisions need to be made.
 
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