Topic : Ready for Marriage?

I married my husband on 5/04. Things were promised by him that never materialzed. I was to quit my job, give up my  retirement and live happily ever after. His promises were that We yould own a home together, partners on the retirement and I would be on the bank accounts with him. To make a long story short, It never happened. When I would question him he would say those things had to be earned. Consequently, I moved into the other bedroom and you guessed it very little sex or intimacy was had by all. So..in June of 04 I had the marriage annulled. Wasn't difficult for him at all because even though he had to admit to the jusge and court that he lied and never intended to share anything he felt that was ok because it would give him freedom from ever having to share one thing.  He has always been very giving with gifts, clothing and things like that. His family hates me (don't know why) but I suspect it's because he tells everything to them about our personal lives so they have been poisoned by his flappy jaws. Recently he made a decision based their opinion as well as his Dr. that he should leave the relationship, move out and be alone for at least 6 months. So without me knowing it he went to the Bay area, picked out an apartment for him only and made plans to move. His plans fell through and he asked if I would go with him to find another place.  I did and while we were there, he decided it was "ok" for me to go and we started picking out new furniture, colors for the walls and changed my address, etc.  He had a DR.s appointment  

after we got back home and he also again made the mistake of telling his DR and family and friends.  Well, you can guess what happened next. He found me an apartment paid the first months rent and moved himself.  I could go on and on but the bottom line is he felt it would only take him a couple of months to undo the bad things he did and said about me to everyone. He also in the mean time planed a trip with his family to Colorado which of course didn't include me and before we split up, his daughter planned a trip to Disneyland with her family, him and "his ex-wife.  I haven't heard from him for 2 days and he doesn't answer my message. He tells me he is not staying in the room with anyone but if that were true why doesn't he keep in touch like he usually does.? Does anyone have any suggestions? 

Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there.  I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou).  He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.).  I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.  

My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love."  I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales.  However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all.  On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely.  We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October).  I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together.  Do you see my dilemma?  All this back and forth is driving me crazy!  

What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way.  If so, how did the relationship turn out?  Was/is it successful?  I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships.  Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated.  I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help.  Thanks very much to anyone who replies!!  

I'm not saying break up with him..just find your own place. Give him time to figure out if he's ready to take the relationship to the next level. No amount of asking will make him ready if he isn't. He needs to feel what it's like not to have you there cooking dinner, waking up next to him and washing his clothes. Personally, I don't believe in shacking up; the man receives all the benefits without making the commitment. My question to you is...how long will you stay in this relationship? Will you stay another 3 1/2 years? During your separation, you should be asking yourself  whether HE is really the man for you? Frankly, If he doesn't know after 4 1/2 years that you are "The One", then why waste your time any longer. At some point you will want to have kids, no? I don't want to see you end up like so many women; 36 years old and unmarried because they spent the last 5-10 years with a man (or men) who had no intention of making them a bride. 

Good luck!!! I hope it all works out for the best (no matter what that may be). 

Dr. Phil,  

I am 37 years old.  A single mom of 3.  I have been in a relationship with one man for 13 years with no wedding ring.  I was then in another relationship for 5 years with no wedding ring.  Now I am in a relationship going on 4 years and no proposal or wedding ring.  What is wrong with me that no one will commit to me?  I am tired of playing the games.  I want a real relationship where I come first in the persons life.  I am constantly playing second fiddle to everything else even though I give/gave them everything I have/had to give them.  They are first in my life behind my kids of course.  They always come first and I make that very clear up front!  They accept me they accept my kids.  

My first relationship ended 2 months before the wedding was supposed to take place.  He walked out on me in May and we were supposed to get married in July.  Everything was paid for and set for the wedding.  I then stupidly took him back about a year later and had a child.  A beautiful little girl who is now 9.  The year she was born, in April, he left us in December right before Christmas.  We were left with absolutely nothing.  I vowed at that time that I would never fully depend on a man to take care of me again.  I went out and got a job and have supported myself and my family since then.  

Relationship #2 - this one was sort of a rebound relationship from the first one.  He was nice at kind and considerate in the beginning.  Then we moved in with each other and all Heck broke loose.  I realized then and too late that he was an alcoholic and a compulsive gambler.  He would spend his entire paycheck on alcohol and lottery tickets and would bumb more money off of me for supposedly gas and food but was spending that on alcohol and lottery tickets as well.  While I was working 80+ hours a week, I found out later that he was abusing my kids while I was working.  We faught to get custody of his kids along the way and I ended up trying to support 4 kids and him on my paycheck.  Huge Mistake!!!!!  I was falling fast and did not know how to stop falling and start climbing again.  Finally, he made the mistake of hurting his own son in front of my while he was drunk.  I stepped in to get him off of his son and he turned on me.  Next thing I know, he has his hands around my neck choking me and picking me up off of the floor at the same time.  The kids were terrified and my son came at him with a baseball bat.  He was arrested for assault and endangering the welfare of a child and charged with child abuse for hurting his son.  His son is now living with his Uncle and I still have his daughter who chose to live with me not her mom or dad.  

Relationship #3 - I am still trying to make this one work.  This is the first person I have been with that I have not had to support.  He works a full time job which he has been at for 26 years and he also has his own construction company on the side.  He is very busy and I understand this.....but he very seldom has time for us.  He gets home at night extremely exhausted.  Eats his dinner, and falls asleep in his chair.  He crawls into bed around 11:30 at night and proceeds to pass out immediately.  He jumps out of bed at 5:30 a.m. every morning and that is all I see of him until lunch at 12:30.  We spend an hour together having lunch every day and that is all we have.  He very seldom has time or energy to make love to me or even hold me and kiss me.  I have to beg for what little affection I can get.  He is 44 years old and lived with his mother until he was 42 and moved in with me.  He is stuck in his old ways and cannot seem to adjust or understand kids in this day and age.  He started working on a farm when he was 13 years old and cannot understand how kids can have no responsibility or drive or initiative to go out and earn money.  Everything to him is the all mighty dollar.  He has never said he loved me and cannot even say the word.  I asked him to marry me and he laughed at me.  

To sum it up, Dr. Phil, I am a mess!! My kids are a mess!! My relationship is a mess!!  My personal family relationships are a mess!!   I can't understand why no one will commit to me!!  What is wrong with me that no one can love me!!!  I just want to be loved...................  

Dr. Phil,  

I am 37 years old.  A single mom of 3.  I have been in a relationship with one man for 13 years with no wedding ring.  I was then in another relationship for 5 years with no wedding ring.  Now I am in a relationship going on 4 years and no proposal or wedding ring.  What is wrong with me that no one will commit to me?  I am tired of playing the games.  I want a real relationship where I come first in the persons life.  I am constantly playing second fiddle to everything else even though I give/gave them everything I have/had to give them.  They are first in my life behind my kids of course.  They always come first and I make that very clear up front!  They accept me they accept my kids.  

My first relationship ended 2 months before the wedding was supposed to take place.  He walked out on me in May and we were supposed to get married in July.  Everything was paid for and set for the wedding.  I then stupidly took him back about a year later and had a child.  A beautiful little girl who is now 9.  The year she was born, in April, he left us in December right before Christmas.  We were left with absolutely nothing.  I vowed at that time that I would never fully depend on a man to take care of me again.  I went out and got a job and have supported myself and my family since then.  

Relationship #2 - this one was sort of a rebound relationship from the first one.  He was nice at kind and considerate in the beginning.  Then we moved in with each other and all Heck broke loose.  I realized then and too late that he was an alcoholic and a compulsive gambler.  He would spend his entire paycheck on alcohol and lottery tickets and would bumb more money off of me for supposedly gas and food but was spending that on alcohol and lottery tickets as well.  While I was working 80+ hours a week, I found out later that he was abusing my kids while I was working.  We faught to get custody of his kids along the way and I ended up trying to support 4 kids and him on my paycheck.  Huge Mistake!!!!!  I was falling fast and did not know how to stop falling and start climbing again.  Finally, he made the mistake of hurting his own son in front of my while he was drunk.  I stepped in to get him off of his son and he turned on me.  Next thing I know, he has his hands around my neck choking me and picking me up off of the floor at the same time.  The kids were terrified and my son came at him with a baseball bat.  He was arrested for assault and endangering the welfare of a child and charged with child abuse for hurting his son.  His son is now living with his Uncle and I still have his daughter who chose to live with me not her mom or dad.  

Relationship #3 - I am still trying to make this one work.  This is the first person I have been with that I have not had to support.  He works a full time job which he has been at for 26 years and he also has his own construction company on the side.  He is very busy and I understand this.....but he very seldom has time for us.  He gets home at night extremely exhausted.  Eats his dinner, and falls asleep in his chair.  He crawls into bed around 11:30 at night and proceeds to pass out immediately.  He jumps out of bed at 5:30 a.m. every morning and that is all I see of him until lunch at 12:30.  We spend an hour together having lunch every day and that is all we have.  He very seldom has time or energy to make love to me or even hold me and kiss me.  I have to beg for what little affection I can get.  He is 44 years old and lived with his mother until he was 42 and moved in with me.  He is stuck in his old ways and cannot seem to adjust or understand kids in this day and age.  He started working on a farm when he was 13 years old and cannot understand how kids can have no responsibility or drive or initiative to go out and earn money.  Everything to him is the all mighty dollar.  He has never said he loved me and cannot even say the word.  I asked him to marry me and he laughed at me.  

To sum it up, Dr. Phil, I am a mess!! My kids are a mess!! My relationship is a mess!!  My personal family relationships are a mess!!   I can't understand why no one will commit to me!!  What is wrong with me that no one can love me!!!  I just want to be loved...................