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Topic : Ready for Marriage?
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October 11, 2006, 8:00 am PDT
 i don't think that it is possible to find a man or woman who is 100% perfect in every way right from the very fist meeting. i believe that every relationship will have its down times where stress or frustration is high whether imaginary or fact. i also believe what is the most important is that when things come up as they will no matter who you are with, the ability to sit and communicate is a rare trait and one that is absolutely necessary. when i say communicate i dont mean scream out your feelings and make yourself heard above all else to me it is the ability for both partners to first face the issue with the attitude that it can be fixed then to listen to each other and try to understand the others point of view. in my opinion communicating has less to do with talking and more to do with listening. i was on the message boards a bit ago with a problem about my boyfriend and porn i asked that someone give me some advice on how to stay instead of always giving up and as i never recieved any feed back i had to figure it out myself. well what happened was we talked.....and talked and talked some more we talked for hours until everything was said and we both understood where the other person was coming from in the end he asked for my help and if he could phone me at work if he was tempted. i said of course i accept that i am not the only person on this planet who has problems and would need very much for him to not give up on me when i was doing something that i was having a hard time changing. in the end i did not hear a bunch of empty promises and appoligies what i heard was " i can't promise you that i will never mess up again but i can promise you that i will try my hardest" that to me sounds more honest and hopeful than i swear i'll never do it again because to me that line just means i'll say anything to get you off my back. anyways the point is this weekend he asked me to marry him and i said yes. he has asked me many times in the past and i always found a way to avoid it. i said yes because there will always be problems in any relationship i dont measure the strength by the problems that come up, i measure strength by each persons resolve and attention that they put into fixing it. i belieive that a relationship that has had a million problems and have fixed them is a thousand times stronger than one that has never had a problem. i'm not saying that men or women should stay through everything, i do believe that if you are handed two people who are determined to make it work ( not just stay) actually WORK at it that anything is possible. i am almost 30 and have never been married, i have turned down 4 guys in my life and have always said that until i find exactly what i'm looking for i will never even whisper the thought of marriage the funny thing is i had no idea what i was looking for until it happened. thank you for listening and i hope that this will help some one out there who is confused because not everyone can have perfection right off the hop. |
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October 12, 2006, 9:55 am PDT
Quote From: debgirl27 i don't think that it is possible to find a man or woman who is 100% perfect in every way right from the very fist meeting. i believe that every relationship will have its down times where stress or frustration is high whether imaginary or fact. i also believe what is the most important is that when things come up as they will no matter who you are with, the ability to sit and communicate is a rare trait and one that is absolutely necessary. when i say communicate i dont mean scream out your feelings and make yourself heard above all else to me it is the ability for both partners to first face the issue with the attitude that it can be fixed then to listen to each other and try to understand the others point of view. in my opinion communicating has less to do with talking and more to do with listening. i was on the message boards a bit ago with a problem about my boyfriend and porn i asked that someone give me some advice on how to stay instead of always giving up and as i never recieved any feed back i had to figure it out myself. well what happened was we talked.....and talked and talked some more we talked for hours until everything was said and we both understood where the other person was coming from in the end he asked for my help and if he could phone me at work if he was tempted. i said of course i accept that i am not the only person on this planet who has problems and would need very much for him to not give up on me when i was doing something that i was having a hard time changing. in the end i did not hear a bunch of empty promises and appoligies what i heard was " i can't promise you that i will never mess up again but i can promise you that i will try my hardest" that to me sounds more honest and hopeful than i swear i'll never do it again because to me that line just means i'll say anything to get you off my back. anyways the point is this weekend he asked me to marry him and i said yes. he has asked me many times in the past and i always found a way to avoid it. i said yes because there will always be problems in any relationship i dont measure the strength by the problems that come up, i measure strength by each persons resolve and attention that they put into fixing it. i belieive that a relationship that has had a million problems and have fixed them is a thousand times stronger than one that has never had a problem. i'm not saying that men or women should stay through everything, i do believe that if you are handed two people who are determined to make it work ( not just stay) actually WORK at it that anything is possible. i am almost 30 and have never been married, i have turned down 4 guys in my life and have always said that until i find exactly what i'm looking for i will never even whisper the thought of marriage the funny thing is i had no idea what i was looking for until it happened. thank you for listening and i hope that this will help some one out there who is confused because not everyone can have perfection right off the hop. You are very right about communication. I do believe that all things can be repaired but the person who has the problem has to repair it. We can only fix ourselves. Yesterday I took my 17 year old daughter to court for a curfew ticket. The bottom line is she is addicted to Meth and in very bad shape, which the Probation Officer pointed out to her. My daughter told her that relapse was a part of recovery. The PO told her that that is not true that is just an excuse and that people who say they will TRY to do something just set themselves up for failure or for an excuse to fail. I believe that is true in all addictions and all things. You don't have to hold yourself accountable if you fall back because you said you would try and you did try but you couldn't do it.
Good Luck to you. My addict daughter never does the things she says she will "TRY" and do. Suggest a program to your boyfriend he does have an addiction and these programs work if you work them. You need to say I will do this. There really is power in the positve. |
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October 13, 2006, 8:21 am PDT
hi i thank you for your opinion and am sorry to hear about your daughter it must be a horrific situation for you to be in as my own brother and sister in law are also hooked on crystal meth i can partially understand what you are going through. Even so it would be a lot harder with your own child. i believe that it is a very far reach, though, to compare my fiance with a meth addict as i have watched the lives of these addicts and their children melt around them. for 1 thing he is not looking at porn 24/7 nor needs it to survive. i can see a little resemblance. so my question to you is this. do you believe that it is possible for a loving gentle giving person to be hurt enough that they shut down conscience, trust in self, and empathy? and if so do you also believe that it is possible for this same person to melt and thaw with love, understanding, guidance, and respect? you see the man in this situation had shut down due to situations that he has been in and has started admitting feelings of guilt when he does these things. we talked last night and he asked me what i have been doing to him because the last time he looked at porn (which i know about and was before he said he would try) he could only look for a moment then started feeling pangs of guilt which he didn't understand. i explained that he was beginning to feel compassion and care about my feelings. now when a man is shown and taught in every male female relationship that porn is not only accepted but welcomed does it not stand to reason that he over the span of 10 years (entire dating life) would begin to believe that it is ok to briong this into a relationship. You do what your used to until you get used to something better. i am living proof that people can change when they are loved. i was one of the worst cheaters i knew through every relationship i had i havent cheated on him once nor do i even want to. in my eyes promises are made to be broken so i dont promise and would prefer if other people would not promise me. if he didnt mean it when he said he would try then i would be gone but as i am see remarkable effort and changes in him i think that it would be considerably unfair both to him and myself if i didnt do some trying myself. i refuse to give up on him as long as i am seeing progress. i am sure that even though you know for a fact that your daughter is a lost cause you continue to love her and try to get her help. As i said though the abundant difference between someone who is hooked on meth and some one who has never learned the right way to act in a relationship is just such a huge leap. i have some psychology experience and am trying to help him through this. if i gave up on him now that he is making progress i believe that it would probably be the worst mistake that i could make in this relationship. when a person asks for help as he did it shows that he is willing to try he is not making excuses for his behavior nor is he saying that its okay when he backslides, this does not have a death grip on him so we have time to get it right. i am very interested in hearing your comments and more about your daughter because i dont even know where to begin with my addicted family members and as horrible as it sounds i am glad that i have heard from you because i dont know anyone personally that i can talk to about it. |
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October 14, 2006, 4:07 pm PDT
I just wanted to comment on what you had said about someone not being perfect.... I agree... Perfection is a myth. No one can be perfect, but everyone can try to be the best person possible. I hope all goes well for you, and that you and your guy can work through all this. I am sure it must be difficult for the both of you. Now also, even though no one is perfect, I believe someone can be perfect for you. My guy was. Him and i got along so well, and I miss him very much. I never had believed in soul mates until I met him, and now that he's passed, I don't know what I believe. I think that as long as he keeps trying and you keep supporting him, your man can get through this and you guys can be happy!!! Good luck and take care!!! |
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October 14, 2006, 11:16 pm PDT
Quote From: bluelily87 I just wanted to comment on what you had said about someone not being perfect.... I agree... Perfection is a myth. No one can be perfect, but everyone can try to be the best person possible. I hope all goes well for you, and that you and your guy can work through all this. I am sure it must be difficult for the both of you. Now also, even though no one is perfect, I believe someone can be perfect for you. My guy was. Him and i got along so well, and I miss him very much. I never had believed in soul mates until I met him, and now that he's passed, I don't know what I believe. I think that as long as he keeps trying and you keep supporting him, your man can get through this and you guys can be happy!!! Good luck and take care!!! i thank you for your comments, it is nice to hear from you and i am very sorry to hear about your man. i also never believed in soul mates and until i met my man things in my life were nothing short of mysery pretty much from birth nothing has ever felt right in me or in my life. since finding him everything just seems to slide into place not just him but jobs, opportunities, timing, even the smallest things. its really weird. when i finally agreed to marry him i felt on top of the world like i had finally made the right decision for once in my life. now i have told some people and every one has such a negative attitude about marriage that it is beginning to scare me. it seems to me that people i have talked to think that if it isnt perfect it isnt worth working for. i dont know i guess im really confused right now. i was so excited at the thought of marrying him then a friend said to me "its nice to see that some one still believes in marriage these days" and i realized that she was right cause whether they come right out and say it or not people i have talked to seem to think that they got an unfair shake in life if they have to do any work in their relationships. like everything is supposed to be rosy right from day one til the end and i think they are living in a dream world or not seeing problems that are really there.denial is a wonderful tool for not having to raise a finger, is how i see it. so in the end i ask am i wrong to marry someone who isnt exactly perfect will it truely end in disaster as these dreamers seem to think i guess no body knows for sure. committment has never been my strong suit anyways. i just want to be happy. i dont care if im right. |
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October 14, 2006, 11:38 pm PDT
Quote From: mellymel32 I am newly engaged and 20 years old. I love my fiance more than anything. I know that he is the one without a doubt. The thing that is so hard is that he lived 1- hours away. Our entire friendship and relationship has been long distant and I think it is finally just wearing us down. I don't know what to do. Obviously, we are going to stay together, but I don't know how to make this any easier. I miss him so much and I would give anything to just be able to see him more than a few days every other month. I can't move right now and he really is in no position to do so either, so we are stuck at the moment. We are both so emotionally drained and we can't keep going on like this. If we could, we would get married tomorrow, but we are trying to do the right now. Get through school, get our degrees so atleast we won't have as much of a financial burden when we get married. 22 months just seems so far away. I deffinately understand when people say they are going through some hard times, but if you know it is worth it, you make it work. Trust me, I'm doing the same thing. it was kind of a shock to me to read this because it sounds exactly like what i went through for 3 years. i really can empathize with you. i was not strong enough to hold out until he was willing to make the committment to me. i saw him every weekend for 3 years and like you we lived 1 hr away from each other. i was not in love with him which i didnt know at the time, neither one of us was willing to truely commit to the other because if we were we would have. we both found excuses to not move forward in our relationship. every time the possibility of moving closer to each other came up one or the other of us would find a reason (excuse) that it was impossible. one day i began to need a commitment and he was not willing to give it to me. i asked for it and he was comfortable in the nowhere relationship that we had so i left and found some one who was wanting the same thing as i was. i wish you the very best of luck with this and i ask you to take a good look at your part in the lack of commitment here and see if maybe at this point( even though you dont like the seperation ) if maybe there is something more than meets the eye on your side of it. i hope you the best my dear and if you want something just go for it only you can tell you what is right for you. |
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October 15, 2006, 9:03 am PDT
I am a medical student in long distance relationship with another medical student. I reside in North Carolina and he resides in New York. We have been together for 2 years and have discussed marriage. I realize that my entire relationship cannot be summarized in a few paragraphs but to make a long story short, I have started cheating. I believe I love my boyfriend, but I am not se if he is the one for me. I feel like he can be self-centered , controlling and sometimes I feel like we have little in common. We I talk, he constantly interupts me and i feel as if he doesn't listen to my feelings as intently as he should. The distance has taken it's toll, amplifying our relationship issues, especially since we are both in medical school and extremely busy. I slept with one of my classmates and have continued to have a relationship with him. I think he is anice guy, we have mutual interests outside of medicine and we confide in eachother. (he knows about my boyfriend). I tried to break it off with my boyfriend but he refused to accept and we had the biggest fight ever. So, in a sense, I gave up the arguement. I decided to do what I wanted. I feel like my boyfriend is selfish in his own ways and now I want to be selfish in mine. He is not giving me things that I need in the relationship and furthermore, he is not physically with me. Sometimes I just feel, "I am so young, with my whole life ahead of me- why all the stress of one man. Enjoy my life and when we can be together, we'll be together." I have never cheated before and never thought I would. I don't fully feel guilty either. And, i don't think I would fel angry if he lept with someoneelse too. I feel like I am getting something I need because I am not able to get it from my boyfriend. I truthfully don't know anymore how realistic long distance relationships are, I have grown to feel that in a relationship I want the person to be physially as well as emotionally with me. I believe that if my boyfriend was here, we would be able to hadle our issues more immediately, and I wouldn't have cheated. |
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October 16, 2006, 2:00 pm PDT
Quote From: debgirl27 hi i thank you for your opinion and am sorry to hear about your daughter it must be a horrific situation for you to be in as my own brother and sister in law are also hooked on crystal meth i can partially understand what you are going through. Even so it would be a lot harder with your own child. i believe that it is a very far reach, though, to compare my fiance with a meth addict as i have watched the lives of these addicts and their children melt around them. for 1 thing he is not looking at porn 24/7 nor needs it to survive. i can see a little resemblance. so my question to you is this. do you believe that it is possible for a loving gentle giving person to be hurt enough that they shut down conscience, trust in self, and empathy? and if so do you also believe that it is possible for this same person to melt and thaw with love, understanding, guidance, and respect? you see the man in this situation had shut down due to situations that he has been in and has started admitting feelings of guilt when he does these things. we talked last night and he asked me what i have been doing to him because the last time he looked at porn (which i know about and was before he said he would try) he could only look for a moment then started feeling pangs of guilt which he didn't understand. i explained that he was beginning to feel compassion and care about my feelings. now when a man is shown and taught in every male female relationship that porn is not only accepted but welcomed does it not stand to reason that he over the span of 10 years (entire dating life) would begin to believe that it is ok to briong this into a relationship. You do what your used to until you get used to something better. i am living proof that people can change when they are loved. i was one of the worst cheaters i knew through every relationship i had i havent cheated on him once nor do i even want to. in my eyes promises are made to be broken so i dont promise and would prefer if other people would not promise me. if he didnt mean it when he said he would try then i would be gone but as i am see remarkable effort and changes in him i think that it would be considerably unfair both to him and myself if i didnt do some trying myself. i refuse to give up on him as long as i am seeing progress. i am sure that even though you know for a fact that your daughter is a lost cause you continue to love her and try to get her help. As i said though the abundant difference between someone who is hooked on meth and some one who has never learned the right way to act in a relationship is just such a huge leap. i have some psychology experience and am trying to help him through this. if i gave up on him now that he is making progress i believe that it would probably be the worst mistake that i could make in this relationship. when a person asks for help as he did it shows that he is willing to try he is not making excuses for his behavior nor is he saying that its okay when he backslides, this does not have a death grip on him so we have time to get it right. i am very interested in hearing your comments and more about your daughter because i dont even know where to begin with my addicted family members and as horrible as it sounds i am glad that i have heard from you because i dont know anyone personally that i can talk to about it. I have to tell you that in no way do I believe my daughter is a lost cause. She is a loving gentle giving person also but apparently hurt horribly along the way somewhere and I am hoping that with love and understanding and firm, fair and consistent guidance she will evolve from this a much better person. So I suppose my answer to both of your questions is yes.
I know it is difficult to look at someone you love and even think that it is possible they have an addiction and I could be wrong, but when we were in rehab ( I say we because it really is a family ordeal) I learned that your brain does not know the difference between "drugs." Any addiction offers the same reaction in your brain, euphoria.
Unfortunately in children, rehab is only 7% successful. She was in the program for a year and did very well, but she met up with a 25 year old man (pedifile in my book) and fell right back into the trap. She knows she isn't strong enough to stay off the drug if it is front of her. She also knows she is powerless over her addiction, but she chose to move out of the house and live with this jerk, who began beating her even before she moved in.
There is an up side though, I still have the power for 2 more months. She came home yesterday and is still there today (yeah) doesn't mean she will stay but the longer she is home the better the chances are. I am in the process of obtaining a restraining order on her behalf and she called our Mental Health providers to schedule an appointment for Thursday. (baby steps for which I thank God) She only has until Thursday to show improvement and continue to do so or I am taking her to our local lock down facility to have her placed in in-patient care treatment.
Honestly I believe people can change if they want to. That is the key they have to want to and sometimes they have to admit they can't do it on their own. BUT we the people closest to them cannot help them, I can only provide the tools she has to do the rest. I can be supportive but she has to do the work. I have been doing this for 4 years now and have never given up, but I do have a limit and for my own health and sanity I have to stick to that limit.
I will never give up hope but in the same respect I will not enable her to continue to feed off of her family and manipulate us into a gutter with her. I believe whole heartedly that there is no other drug like meth and that it is (statistics show) the most addictive and hardest to kick drug out there as well as the most deadly.
I support you in your decision to support your guy and hope that it all turns out, but set your boundries as you should put yourself first.
If you can find a way to intervine with your brother and sister-in-law, do it. Check out the show intervention on A&E. It is on Sunday nights at 10PM Pacific time. They do some awsome things.
My other suggestion in your relationship is to make sure the problems are fixed before the marriage. I have been there and it just isn't fun to get divorced especially with kids involved.
Take care hun, I will remember you in my prayers. R |
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October 17, 2006, 9:47 am PDT
Quote From: raineegal I have to tell you that in no way do I believe my daughter is a lost cause. She is a loving gentle giving person also but apparently hurt horribly along the way somewhere and I am hoping that with love and understanding and firm, fair and consistent guidance she will evolve from this a much better person. So I suppose my answer to both of your questions is yes.
I know it is difficult to look at someone you love and even think that it is possible they have an addiction and I could be wrong, but when we were in rehab ( I say we because it really is a family ordeal) I learned that your brain does not know the difference between "drugs." Any addiction offers the same reaction in your brain, euphoria.
Unfortunately in children, rehab is only 7% successful. She was in the program for a year and did very well, but she met up with a 25 year old man (pedifile in my book) and fell right back into the trap. She knows she isn't strong enough to stay off the drug if it is front of her. She also knows she is powerless over her addiction, but she chose to move out of the house and live with this jerk, who began beating her even before she moved in.
There is an up side though, I still have the power for 2 more months. She came home yesterday and is still there today (yeah) doesn't mean she will stay but the longer she is home the better the chances are. I am in the process of obtaining a restraining order on her behalf and she called our Mental Health providers to schedule an appointment for Thursday. (baby steps for which I thank God) She only has until Thursday to show improvement and continue to do so or I am taking her to our local lock down facility to have her placed in in-patient care treatment.
Honestly I believe people can change if they want to. That is the key they have to want to and sometimes they have to admit they can't do it on their own. BUT we the people closest to them cannot help them, I can only provide the tools she has to do the rest. I can be supportive but she has to do the work. I have been doing this for 4 years now and have never given up, but I do have a limit and for my own health and sanity I have to stick to that limit.
I will never give up hope but in the same respect I will not enable her to continue to feed off of her family and manipulate us into a gutter with her. I believe whole heartedly that there is no other drug like meth and that it is (statistics show) the most addictive and hardest to kick drug out there as well as the most deadly.
I support you in your decision to support your guy and hope that it all turns out, but set your boundries as you should put yourself first.
If you can find a way to intervine with your brother and sister-in-law, do it. Check out the show intervention on A&E. It is on Sunday nights at 10PM Pacific time. They do some awsome things.
My other suggestion in your relationship is to make sure the problems are fixed before the marriage. I have been there and it just isn't fun to get divorced especially with kids involved.
Take care hun, I will remember you in my prayers. R i cried when i read your message for you and your daughter. i wish i had even an ounce of power over my brother but he is not ready and says i could stop if i wanted to the only reason i do it is to try to get my wife back (my sister in law who introduced it to him) he is a big boy of 39 and didnt become hooked until 3 years ago. we all thought that due to age and experience he would not be the one to worry about. when ever we (younger syblings of 10 years) delved into anything he was the one repromanding us like a father. anyways i have 2 nephews in the situation one is 12 and the other 13. i know that they need help and shouldnt even be in the situation in the first place. i am on my own though if i do anything to help them. they have already been taken out of my life once when i called social services for abuse that was going on and the only support i would have in trying to remove them is my fiancee he wholeheartedly backs me in all my decisions especially this. i also know for a fact that those boys are the only thing holding my brother to some responsiblity and if they were to be removed he would be lost it tears me apart and i have no idea how to deal with it.
about the situation with me he is going on two weeks without since i last talked to him about it and told me yesterday that he hasnt even gotten the urge for it. i am very proud of him. my boundaries were set in the first place that i would not marry him or anyone else who fooled around in this stuff i stick to that. he wants to marry me very badly and knows that i am ready to walk out the door if it happens again. he also knows about me that i am not a person to say one thing and mean another.
i do know that this is an addiction which is why i am treating it the way i am. i am always constant and never waver i check and double check. i dont necessarily trust just because he has said it is so. i do love him and try to find ways to show him the rewards of not looking at it. and i keep up consciquences that i have set in advance when it does happen. now to alot of people it may sound like i am dealing with him as i would a child and in a way i think i am in the basics. i have learned though that it works for him. i dont speak down to him he is always my equal that has a choice i just make it very clear that if him choice is porn then he is also choosing to ask me to leave him. as he was raised to believe that nothing was his fault and things just happen to him i have to be extra verbal and expessive because he is almost like a child in some ways because he was never taught to be a man or take resonsibility for his actions but he is a fast learner and tries very hard when i first mentioned that he had a choice in life and his actions lead to reactions it was almost like dealing with a child. i am a very patient person and thank god that i have a man who likes to talk about emotions and feelings because we always do. i know that he has to do the work himself because he asked me to turn off the internet or find some way to block it so he didnt mess upi told him only he can make the decision not to do it. i said i am not your mother and refuse to "lock him up" so he doesnt hurt himself. i said that with time and practice he will be able to say no. the other night we were watching a movie and he got up and turned it off because it might as well have been a porn he said i dont want to watch this its stupid there is no plot it made him very uncomfortable.
Thank you for your comments and i hope with all my heart that your daughter is receptive to the help she needs cause 17 is way to young to have to miss out on life well any age is really. i will pray for you and your daughter. |
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October 25, 2006, 9:31 am PDT
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We live together and get along great and love each other. Lately we have been talking about getting engaged. I would love to be engaged, but i have these weird feelings. Some times i feel like i want to be single again, but then i think about it and think if i break up with him i really may not find someone that is as good as him. He treats me very well, and loves me and would do anything for me. I don't know if that makes me seem like I'm scared to be alone and if i break up with him then i might not find someone else. I don't know what it is. We have not talked about this, and i don't think it would be a good topic for us to talk about. We recently got into a fight about the same one stupid thing that we fight about and i told him i was done with it because I'm sick of fighting over the same thing, and I'm done. I told him if we fight about it once more I'm done with it all because its too hard emotionally on me. When i said that he broke down and he didn't want that to happen, and at that moment i felt like i did love him and he is the one i want to be with. But then a couple of days later i start to feel like sometimes i want to be single again. I know i love him and when i think about it i couldn't find anyone better for me and i don't want to loose him. But i just get these urges to go out and party like I'm single and see other people, but i would never want to loose him. I am sooo confused. Are these feelings at all normal? Does everyone want to be single again at some point in their relationship, or do i really not love him like i think i do? PLEASE HELP ME!!! |
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