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Topic : Ready for Marriage?
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May 22, 2007, 2:21 pm PDT
 Quote From: aquariuzzz I have been with this girl for 7 months and only knew her for 8 months. im 22 and shes 20 I love her and am closer to her than i have ever been with anyone in my life. She is like my best friend. We love each other dearly. She says we fight alot and i feel that its just part of a normal relationship. she has brought up marriage within the last 2 months and i told her i wasn't ready, i told her i wouldnt marry unless i was in the relationship for atleast 2 years. Today, and last night she has been trying to give me ultimatums saying now or never. I told her at this point that she is the best thing that happened to me and that her being my wife is something i could see in my future. she asked me to make a fake proposal over the phone like i would when i do ask. We both acknoledge its fake and go to sleep afterwards. the next day shes at her job telling people im gonna marry her other things i guess. i am shocked she is taking it as if we are actually engaged. maybe i shouldnt have done that. i proceed to tell her that it was fake and she gets angry and begins to give me ultimatums. and i say no to the ultimatums. i tell her im not ready but she is the only one in my life. Yet she tells me why wait.... if you love me then you would. i think she should respect my wishes and how i feel but she chooses to get mad and act as this is my fault and im being selfish. I told her 2 weeks into the relationship i wanted to take this slow because i was already falling for her. I love her so much and shes my everything. how do i get her to understand that i am not gonna get engaged until i feel comfortable with the idea and that she needs to relax and let things take their course?
Also she gets this idea that im going to leave her, i have never cheated, yet she's stepped along that fine line; she says that this one of the reasons she wants to get married sooner. we have had the same conversation several times in what i see as not yet a long enough relationship. If she doesnt listen to what i am saying and stop pressuring me what should i do? thanks for your help! ill answer anything you need to know, just help! From what you have described, she sounds immature, insecure, and too young for marriage!! This sounds more like obsession instead of love. She is dying to be a wife, anyone’s wife- you would be doing the right thing by slowing this relationship down. You ask: “If she doesn’t listen to what I am saying and stop pressuring me, what should I do?” Pretend that your best friend has come to you and he has described this exact same situation, and he asks you that same question; what would you say to him? You need to be your own best friend right now. Don’t allow her to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do- remember what happened when you went along with her “pretend” engagement?!! She totally manipulated you, and then she went and lied to many people about your plans together. You should bring up the topic of marriage with her, telling her that you know and understand that she wants to get married soon, but you need for her to understand that you feel the need to wait, because marriage is very important to you, and you want to become closer to her before taking that step. Her rational for wanting to get married soon is because she “walked a fine line” with another man? That doesn’t even make sense. She is saying that she might cheat on you if you two don’t get married? That is ridiculous. If this woman can slow down and allow your relationship to grow, for the two of you to become closer, then she might be the one for you- but don’t allow her to pressure you into marriage. You will regret it forever! |
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May 24, 2007, 2:14 pm PDT
Quote From: aquariuzzz I have been with this girl for 7 months and only knew her for 8 months. im 22 and shes 20 I love her and am closer to her than i have ever been with anyone in my life. She is like my best friend. We love each other dearly. She says we fight alot and i feel that its just part of a normal relationship. she has brought up marriage within the last 2 months and i told her i wasn't ready, i told her i wouldnt marry unless i was in the relationship for atleast 2 years. Today, and last night she has been trying to give me ultimatums saying now or never. I told her at this point that she is the best thing that happened to me and that her being my wife is something i could see in my future. she asked me to make a fake proposal over the phone like i would when i do ask. We both acknoledge its fake and go to sleep afterwards. the next day shes at her job telling people im gonna marry her other things i guess. i am shocked she is taking it as if we are actually engaged. maybe i shouldnt have done that. i proceed to tell her that it was fake and she gets angry and begins to give me ultimatums. and i say no to the ultimatums. i tell her im not ready but she is the only one in my life. Yet she tells me why wait.... if you love me then you would. i think she should respect my wishes and how i feel but she chooses to get mad and act as this is my fault and im being selfish. I told her 2 weeks into the relationship i wanted to take this slow because i was already falling for her. I love her so much and shes my everything. how do i get her to understand that i am not gonna get engaged until i feel comfortable with the idea and that she needs to relax and let things take their course?
Also she gets this idea that im going to leave her, i have never cheated, yet she's stepped along that fine line; she says that this one of the reasons she wants to get married sooner. we have had the same conversation several times in what i see as not yet a long enough relationship. If she doesnt listen to what i am saying and stop pressuring me what should i do? thanks for your help! ill answer anything you need to know, just help! I wouldn't give in to her demands. She sounds like a little girl whining. She needs to understand that you have set things a certain way and that's how you would like them to be. If you want to be with someone for 2 years before getting engaged then by all means that is not something to take lightly. You want to make sure that she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. The divorce rate is so high nowadays because too many people rush to get married before ever really getting to know each other. My fiancee and I got engaged after we had been together 9 months but here we are 2 years later and we still haven't gotten married because it just hasn't been the right time. We know we want to and we know we will, we just want to make it great, the way it should be. In the 2 years that we have been together we have gotten to know a lot about each other and have become each others best friends. We are both 22 with a 10 month old child but we are certainly in no hurry to get a piece of paper. You guys can be married in your hearts. Marriage is nothing but a piece of paper if you don't feel married and committed in your hearts. Maybe you can talk to her and compromise by saying that you don't want to get engaged right now, it doesn't mean that you don't want to marry her because you do, and you love her but tell her that you would be willing to visit the subject again after you have been together for a year and a half. By then you might be ready to be engaged. Don't rush, there really is no big hurry if you two are truly in love. |
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May 26, 2007, 12:15 pm PDT
I dated my ex John M for two and half years. During the time we were
together, he told me he was screwed by his ex-girlfriend so he doesn't
trust women in general and he told me if I do love him, I will accept
him the way he is. I am naturally giving and caring. And, I was naive
enough to believe one day he will get over his issues and open his
heart for me. How stupid I am. We ended up having an extremely out of
balance relationship. I took care of him when he was sick. I was so
overwhelmed by being the project manager of his remodeling project
while he was out party ( I didn't even live there). He asked me to
analyze more than 100,000 set of data by hand when he looked for a new
job. I bought him clothes, shoes, laser color Printer ... more than 100
expensive items because he doesn't shop --- when he was extremely
frugal to me. When I got sick, he told me he doesn't want to catch the
sickness. He told me he is not a giving person and if I love him, I
should accept his way. I did/do love him but my fear grew more and
more. I could not help but noticed the significant difference between
how we treated each other. He didn't take any initiative to take care
of me. I am always the one give in and compromise. Two months ago, he told me we should consider to get married. And he needed me to sign a prenup agreement. What shocked me was not he wanted a prenup. What he wanted was an unfair prenup --- we will keep our asset separated and contribute to all expenses proportionally by income. Then he needed me to do all the house work because he doesn't like to do so. On top of that, he demands me to take care of kids if we have any. Also, he planned to retire young in five years. It sounded to me that I get all the risks and He has all the protection. He is not a giving person in this relationship and I am the generous one. So I started to question why I love a man who will not do anything in our relationship but expects me to do EVERYTHING. Even though he told me I am the love of his life, things just didn't add up. I realized that I never told my friends one good thing about him, ever. He brought a lot of unhappiness to me. And perhaps I am the only one working on this relationship. I wondered maybe I have sold myself short. I disagreed I should be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street. I aired my voice; we had many discussion/fights. He insisted that if I love him, I will give him what he wants. I felt sick when I thought about marrying him. We broke up three weeks ago. I found out a girl moved her stuff into John M's house several days after we broke up. I don't believe they just met and started to date. Will you leave your personal belongings in a man's house you just meet? Basically, I firmly believe they have dated for a long while. Looking back, there are many hits here and there. Maybe he didn't have the backbone to tell me. So he came up with all those unfavorable conditions for me in order to force me out. Mentally I absolutely know that he is not worth my time, efforts, tears and anger. But I was hurt, extremely sad, and very mad and have difficulty in moving on. I thought I still love him but all my friends congratulated me on walking away clean. They told me I should not confuse my hurt with love. I want to remind all girls in my shoes now. Things happened for a reason. Walk away when you can. It's hard, but it's the best thing for you to do for yourself. Keep strong! |
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May 29, 2007, 4:53 pm PDT
Ok I am 23 years old I am pregnant with my first child and I believe I have a seriuos problem on my hands. I am with a man named Brad he is ten years older than me has been married and divorced and has been in a commited relationship with myself for two years this month. I had my reservations about being with him when we first met because I am very old fashioned when it comes to marriage and I didnt see myself being with someone who had entered that bond before. (So to say I wanted a marriage Virgin) but I was able to move past the issues I had with that and we started a relationship. I got serious fairly quickly I had only know him a year and been dating him for four months when we moved in together. Things were good for the most part he was a little more involved with his job than I liked but it was something I learned to deal with. When we got an apt together my best friend moved into the spare bedroom and we did the roomate thing for a while. In the next couple of months our relationship got very hard he would go into raging fits that usually scared anybody that was around and on two occasions actually kicked me out of our apt. It got so bad that my friend moved out and refused to return because she was pregnant and stated it was not fair for her to have to deal with our fights and his rage and I fully agree. What he was doing to us was not fair to our mental and emotional health esp mine. for some reason though even after kicking me out I would go back and try to work things out. And it was after the first time I went back that I realized we had another rather big problem. He had been downloading many different pornagraphic videos. off of a download engine like limewire so most of the videos were homemade. I tried to explain to him that not only did it make me feel less like a woman the videos he was looking at were somebodys daughter or sister who made a bad mistake and wound up on the harsh internet some of which the girls didnt know they were being taped. He argued like most men do that there was nothing wrong with what he was doing and that most men do it. But I feel that it doesnt matter if everyone did it. that is something that should be decided between a couple and if it was hurting the relationship it should stop. After weeks of debating I believed I finally got my point across and we agreed that because it hurt me so deeply that he would no longer look at porn on the internet. I left the issue alone feeling like I could trust him. I was wrong. Not a month later I had a meeting at work that was mandatory and I happen to live extremely close to my job so getting there takes no time. That morning I woke up extra early thinking that I would suprise my man and let him get frisky with me cause hes always saying how he loves messing around in the mornings. That particular morning I was shot down and told that he was too tired and pretty much to leave him alone. I agreed got up dressed and headed to my meeting. Just to learn it had been cancelled. I headed back to the apt we shared. when I got home he was awake and I had only been gone for 20 min max. Not only was he awake he was acting weird. As I passed the computer room I realized it was on and knew that I had turned it off the night before. I turned the screen on and there sat 8 or 9 downloads of different porn... How could he I was so angry and betrayed and then I saw the clencher. among the downloads was one that particulary caught my eye it said 14 year old plays with herself in the bathroom. I was appalled and shocked and downright sick. He claimed that there is no illegal porn on limewire and that even though it said that it was a 14 year old girl. I didnt care the fact that there are a million options to click on and he clicked that one said it all. I began packing my things and he somehow convinced me to not go and try to work things out I told him if I ever caught him downloading porn again I was leaving. in the process of the next three months not only did I catch him downloading 3 times I found out he was talking to a woman he said was just a friend yet she was kept secret form me by deleting phone numbers then while training for a new job he went with this woman to a casino while I waited at home.. Needless to say I do not trust him now he has shown me he can lie and is willing to deceive me. We broke up in November and he took a new job that required him to move out of town. I found out I was pregnant and moved in with my mother to save money and so I wouldnt be alone. we parted on the terms that we were together but we were working on the issues we both had. Well he moved back this last month and I recently found out that even though he was swearing he was done with porn and that I was more impotrant he was lying. He told me had I been doing my job he wouldnt have to look at it. Now I am at a loss. I do love this man for whatever reasons. but here I am pregnant by him and confused as too if I should leave. He says he wont ever do it agian but now this makes the 7th or 8th time I have heard those words and they havent been true before. He talks about marriage but I cant marry a man I dont trust.. I just need some advice that doesnt come from the people close to the situation. please other readers any advice will be taken with thought and consideration. I just dont know what to do anymore. Thank you |
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May 29, 2007, 7:04 pm PDT
Quote From: sweetiecakes Ok I am 23 years old I am pregnant with my first child and I believe I have a seriuos problem on my hands. I am with a man named Brad he is ten years older than me has been married and divorced and has been in a commited relationship with myself for two years this month. I had my reservations about being with him when we first met because I am very old fashioned when it comes to marriage and I didnt see myself being with someone who had entered that bond before. (So to say I wanted a marriage Virgin) but I was able to move past the issues I had with that and we started a relationship. I got serious fairly quickly I had only know him a year and been dating him for four months when we moved in together. Things were good for the most part he was a little more involved with his job than I liked but it was something I learned to deal with. When we got an apt together my best friend moved into the spare bedroom and we did the roomate thing for a while. In the next couple of months our relationship got very hard he would go into raging fits that usually scared anybody that was around and on two occasions actually kicked me out of our apt. It got so bad that my friend moved out and refused to return because she was pregnant and stated it was not fair for her to have to deal with our fights and his rage and I fully agree. What he was doing to us was not fair to our mental and emotional health esp mine. for some reason though even after kicking me out I would go back and try to work things out. And it was after the first time I went back that I realized we had another rather big problem. He had been downloading many different pornagraphic videos. off of a download engine like limewire so most of the videos were homemade. I tried to explain to him that not only did it make me feel less like a woman the videos he was looking at were somebodys daughter or sister who made a bad mistake and wound up on the harsh internet some of which the girls didnt know they were being taped. He argued like most men do that there was nothing wrong with what he was doing and that most men do it. But I feel that it doesnt matter if everyone did it. that is something that should be decided between a couple and if it was hurting the relationship it should stop. After weeks of debating I believed I finally got my point across and we agreed that because it hurt me so deeply that he would no longer look at porn on the internet. I left the issue alone feeling like I could trust him. I was wrong. Not a month later I had a meeting at work that was mandatory and I happen to live extremely close to my job so getting there takes no time. That morning I woke up extra early thinking that I would suprise my man and let him get frisky with me cause hes always saying how he loves messing around in the mornings. That particular morning I was shot down and told that he was too tired and pretty much to leave him alone. I agreed got up dressed and headed to my meeting. Just to learn it had been cancelled. I headed back to the apt we shared. when I got home he was awake and I had only been gone for 20 min max. Not only was he awake he was acting weird. As I passed the computer room I realized it was on and knew that I had turned it off the night before. I turned the screen on and there sat 8 or 9 downloads of different porn... How could he I was so angry and betrayed and then I saw the clencher. among the downloads was one that particulary caught my eye it said 14 year old plays with herself in the bathroom. I was appalled and shocked and downright sick. He claimed that there is no illegal porn on limewire and that even though it said that it was a 14 year old girl. I didnt care the fact that there are a million options to click on and he clicked that one said it all. I began packing my things and he somehow convinced me to not go and try to work things out I told him if I ever caught him downloading porn again I was leaving. in the process of the next three months not only did I catch him downloading 3 times I found out he was talking to a woman he said was just a friend yet she was kept secret form me by deleting phone numbers then while training for a new job he went with this woman to a casino while I waited at home.. Needless to say I do not trust him now he has shown me he can lie and is willing to deceive me. We broke up in November and he took a new job that required him to move out of town. I found out I was pregnant and moved in with my mother to save money and so I wouldnt be alone. we parted on the terms that we were together but we were working on the issues we both had. Well he moved back this last month and I recently found out that even though he was swearing he was done with porn and that I was more impotrant he was lying. He told me had I been doing my job he wouldnt have to look at it. Now I am at a loss. I do love this man for whatever reasons. but here I am pregnant by him and confused as too if I should leave. He says he wont ever do it agian but now this makes the 7th or 8th time I have heard those words and they havent been true before. He talks about marriage but I cant marry a man I dont trust.. I just need some advice that doesnt come from the people close to the situation. please other readers any advice will be taken with thought and consideration. I just dont know what to do anymore. Thank you Your boyfriend is a porn addict. This is a very serious addiction that is harder to break than crack cocaine or heroine. It is tied to chemical responses in the body that your boyfriend is craving - the rush of adrenalin. I've treated many of these men in the past with sex/porn addictions. You are better off to get out while you can still save your own life. You will never be able to save his life and I can tell you the risk of relapse is extremely high. Most porn addicts relapse over and over again. I was married to one once and I had to get out of the marriage. The sense of distrust, betrayal, anguish and anger were almost unbearable and it took me a few years to rebuild my life after we divorced. You are so fortunate that you found out about him before you married him!! I recommend that you read some books on sex addiction. You are a sensible young woman and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't keep it tied to a man who will let you down over and over and over again. Find a man who shares your values, your views about sexual intimacy and trust and who will give you the love and devotion you deserve. You won't get it from this one. I wish you well and hope you can find peace of mind. I strongly recommend you get into psychotherapy and a support group to work through this very difficult time. Talk with professionals who will help you onto the right path for your life and away from the destructive life you'd be living married to this man. |
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May 31, 2007, 4:51 pm PDT
I met my fiance about 6 mos ago who recently asked me to marry him. Now, against my better judgment, I know I should wait at least a year before getting married. As a little background, we dated about 5 years ago (when I was on a "break" with my former boyfriend of 10 years) but I decided to get back together with my boyfriend to make things work. This broke his heart. We kept in touch throughout the years as friends and last year he found out I had finally broken up with my ex about 2 years ago. So, we started dating again. Throughout the past six months, we've had some wonderful "together" times with him and his two daughters. I love his daughters tremendously and we've all gotten along very well. Unfortunately, he has been smothering me lately. I can't seem to have my independence along with our relationship. I havent seen my friends as much as I would like to and I finally set my foot down about that recently. I try to always be there when he has the girls because I know that's important to him and well I love spending time with them as well. He tells me to try to save the times that I want to spend wtih my friends when it's just he and I. So, I do. Then he starts accusing me of being too independent from him and I need to "be careful" about my choices, etc. I maybe have spent a total of 4-5 times away from him for an evening in the past six months. Other than that, I have spent all my time with him and his girls (which I enjoyed) but how do I get across to him that I also need my alone time with friends, hobbies, etc. outside of our relationship. I have a hobbie group I meet with twice a month and I don't even think that's okay with him.
He has been cheated on in the past so he's extra paranoid about where I am, who I've been with. I know this is not healthy. I postponed the marriage and told him we need more time to feel comfortable, still get to know one another and be okay with each other's differences.
I can tell you I have bent more than I have ever bent in my life for someone. I have tried new things with him (and to my surprise have enjoyed them), tried other things I didn't end up liking, etc. I've been pretty open to my new life with him but I'm not so sure he's being open to mine.
He has a heart of gold and is always thinking of others before him but I think his smothering and paranoid will kill what we've got if it hasn't already.
Help...need some input!
M
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May 31, 2007, 5:11 pm PDT
Quote From: misha503 I met my fiance about 6 mos ago who recently asked me to marry him. Now, against my better judgment, I know I should wait at least a year before getting married. As a little background, we dated about 5 years ago (when I was on a "break" with my former boyfriend of 10 years) but I decided to get back together with my boyfriend to make things work. This broke his heart. We kept in touch throughout the years as friends and last year he found out I had finally broken up with my ex about 2 years ago. So, we started dating again. Throughout the past six months, we've had some wonderful "together" times with him and his two daughters. I love his daughters tremendously and we've all gotten along very well. Unfortunately, he has been smothering me lately. I can't seem to have my independence along with our relationship. I havent seen my friends as much as I would like to and I finally set my foot down about that recently. I try to always be there when he has the girls because I know that's important to him and well I love spending time with them as well. He tells me to try to save the times that I want to spend wtih my friends when it's just he and I. So, I do. Then he starts accusing me of being too independent from him and I need to "be careful" about my choices, etc. I maybe have spent a total of 4-5 times away from him for an evening in the past six months. Other than that, I have spent all my time with him and his girls (which I enjoyed) but how do I get across to him that I also need my alone time with friends, hobbies, etc. outside of our relationship. I have a hobbie group I meet with twice a month and I don't even think that's okay with him. He has been cheated on in the past so he's extra paranoid about where I am, who I've been with. I know this is not healthy. I postponed the marriage and told him we need more time to feel comfortable, still get to know one another and be okay with each other's differences. I can tell you I have bent more than I have ever bent in my life for someone. I have tried new things with him (and to my surprise have enjoyed them), tried other things I didn't end up liking, etc. I've been pretty open to my new life with him but I'm not so sure he's being open to mine. He has a heart of gold and is always thinking of others before him but I think his smothering and paranoid will kill what we've got if it hasn't already. Help...need some input! M Listen, if you going to your hobby group isn’t even okay with him- HE has issues. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his own insecurities. He loves you; he is scared that he will lose you, so he smothers you. He is going to create what he fears the most- losing you- because of his paranoia and possessiveness. You are only six months into this relationship, and this is already getting to you; it isn’t going to somehow magically get better. You have a choice to make. You should be able to have everything in your life that brings you happiness; you should not have to choose between your friends, hobbies, and your boyfriend- that is so high school! Your first choice is to continue to tolerate him telling you to be careful about your choices- a veiled threat if you ask me- and eventually you will be spending all of your time with just him. The love and tenderness that you share will become resentment and obsession- it would be such a shame. Your other choice is to come right out and tell him that you understand he is a bit insecure because of past issues, but that you should not have to ‘pay’ for someone else’s misdeed. Let him know that you enjoy spending time with him, his children, etc., but that you also enjoy spending time with friends and your hobby group. He should also get an outside activity/hobby that will keep him busy and bring him a sense of accomplishment/pride. You should continue to listen to your instincts- postponing the marriage was the right thing to do. Getting married so soon would be a big mistake, you don’t deserve to do that to yourself. You can be happy and have a healthy relationship but it takes work- and you can’t do it alone, he has to be willing also. |
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May 31, 2007, 5:52 pm PDT
Quote From: jaimie1974 Listen, if you going to your hobby group isnt even okay with him- HE has issues. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his own insecurities. He loves you; he is scared that he will lose you, so he smothers you. He is going to create what he fears the most- losing you- because of his paranoia and possessiveness. You are only six months into this relationship, and this is already getting to you; it isnt going to somehow magically get better. You have a choice to make. You should be able to have everything in your life that brings you happiness; you should not have to choose between your friends, hobbies, and your boyfriend- that is so high school! Your first choice is to continue to tolerate him telling you to be careful about your choices- a veiled threat if you ask me- and eventually you will be spending all of your time with just him. The love and tenderness that you share will become resentment and obsession- it would be such a shame. Your other choice is to come right out and tell him that you understand he is a bit insecure because of past issues, but that you should not have to pay for someone elses misdeed. Let him know that you enjoy spending time with him, his children, etc., but that you also enjoy spending time with friends and your hobby group. He should also get an outside activity/hobby that will keep him busy and bring him a sense of accomplishment/pride. You should continue to listen to your instincts- postponing the marriage was the right thing to do. Getting married so soon would be a big mistake, you dont deserve to do that to yourself. You can be happy and have a healthy relationship but it takes work- and you cant do it alone, he has to be willing also. Thanks fso much or your reply. It confirmed for me exactly what I was thinking. Yes, I've told him that I enjoy spending time with his kids but also spending time with friends. We've talked several times the past few weeks about this. I'm not going to give up "me" in any relationship. I'd rather be alone than to be alone and unhappy. I am calling him on this threat and if he chooses to walk away, that's his choice...and I will wish him all the best. :)
Michelle |
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June 6, 2007, 12:07 pm PDT
Quote From: killdoze1 Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there. I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou). He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.). I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.
My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love." I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales. However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all. On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely. We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October). I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together. Do you see my dilemma? All this back and forth is driving me crazy!
What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way. If so, how did the relationship turn out? Was/is it successful? I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated. I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help. Thanks very much to anyone who replies!! I was in a serious relationship with a guy for three years, up until my 2nd year of college. Of course we were young and both wanted to experience the world before we made any commitments so we broke up and got back together several times. We never stopped loving each other though, and the fire was always there even if we had just broken up. The last time we got togther, things were going really great, and we had decided that we were ready to have a committed relationship together. A few weeks later, he gets a phone call from a girl he saw while we were apart, and then he just tells me we aren't going to work because he still has feelings for this other girl. So I was really hurt and went on my way.
My mom introduced me to another guy a few days after my breakup. I was on the rebound, I thought, but I ended up having a lot of fun with this new guy. We spent a lot of time together, had the same goals, ambitions, dreams for the future, religious background, and even our families were a lot alike. The new guy and I dated for 4 months and then we got engaged. After that, he started to let his true colors come out. He started getting jealous over nothing. I felt like I was stuck because we were engaged, and my parents had already started planning the wedding. We got engaged in March and were getting married in July of the same year. I went on with the engagement and did indeed marry him hoping things would change.
Two days after our marriage, things did change...for the worst. He became possessive, controlling, insecure, mentally abusive, demanding. He was a total stranger. I tried for 9 months to make the marriage work, but I was miserable the whole time. Everyday, I woke up knowing that the guy I married was just a rebound, and I still missed my ex. Now I'm divorced and I saw my ex a few weeks ago, and we started talking again. I found out why he dumped me, and it was only because the other girl said she was pregnant, and he wanted to be a good father.
Now, because I married a rebound on a whim, I'm 22 and going through a divorce. Luckily, I have no children, and my ex and I are back together doing great this time around.
If you are really considering marrying the new guy that you thought was just a rebound, give yourself some space (ie, a few days away from him to think by yourself, or a vacation alone) to think about is he really the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The saying is true that if you love somebody, let them go for a while, and if they come back, you know it is meant to be. |
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June 6, 2007, 12:35 pm PDT
Quote From: leah91 I am 22 years old and my bf and I have been together for 6 yrs now. We have a 20 month old together and I am wondering why he won't marry me. We live together and want to build a business together but for a partnership legally we have to be married. I engaged him and he acts as though since he didn't do it it doesn't count. A simple justice of the peace marriage would suit me but he says I'm rushing him and he wants his own house and car and evrerything but to me those things can't happen cause we're not financially secure right now and if he wants a huge wedding later when we are that's fine. My dad has given us permission to stay at his place and even build our own house on the land. Why won't he see things the way I do and marry me? How do I get him to understand that our marriage is not only for us but for our son to make a stable family life. I want more kids as does he but I'm not giving in until we're married! Wow, This sounds like a very familiar story. My best friend since grade school is in the same situation as you. As her best friend, I keep telling her to let it go. If after 6 years of living together and having a little boy together, The guy should really know if she is who he wants to marry. For her guy, though, he cheats a lot and that is why he won't marry her. She just forgives him every time, and never kicks him out or breaks up with him or anything. He is the only guy she has ever been with and she feels obligated to him especially since they have a child together. The guy had another daughter before him and my friend were together so she feels connected to the little girl too. I honestly thing that if you are ready for marriage, then you should go for it. After 6 years of dating the same person and never breaking up, he should know if he wants to be with you or not. Chances are, he's still unsure, or looking for something else. I know it is depressing, but somethings in life you should be able to have, and happiness is one of those few things. |
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