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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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June 18, 2007, 10:51 am PDT

Here's a thought

Quote From: roxysrg

I've been with a guy for over 3 and 1/2 years.  I've always thought I wanted to marry him.  Until recently every time I tried to bring up the topic he'd get annoyed with me and tell me it was his decision and I shouldn't pressure him.  Now that we're living together, he says that he wants to marry me but he doesn't think I'm ready for it.  I feel like no matter what I do its always going to be something.  He doesn't trust me to know that I want to marry him, how can I trust him to ever propose.  I have currently left the house for a seperation.  I don't know if I want to go back.  I'm tired of him treating me like I'm already his wife.  I don't see things changing as I've given him the chance to and it hasn't.  Does anyone have any advice?  If he doesn't know after 3 1/2 years that I want to marry him, will he every really be ready to propose?

Here's a thought...

 

Why don't you go for a guy who actually WANTS to be married.

 

God!  You girls are lacking!  That's why MEN are more intelligent. 


When something doesn't work, we throw it away and get something else.  You girls, however, like to cry about the guy with whom you wasted your youth and you cry that he doesn't want to get married.

 

Look for a guy who wants to get married in the first place.  I know I'm coming from a logical point of view, but women don't understand logic-which is why you've been frustrated for 3 1/2 years.

 
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June 18, 2007, 11:08 am PDT

Kids get in the way

Quote From: stinkerbel

My fiance wants to have a wedding including the kids and our parents and I want to go to Hawaii and get married.  This is a once in a lifetime oppotunity to get married in Hawaii and this is what I want to do, just him & me.  He feels that since we already have kids that they should be included, I can understand his feelings on this.  Even if the wedding wasn't in Hawaii I would not want anyone there.  I don't want a wedding, I want a marriage.  Honestly, the whole ceremony part is not that important to me, being his future is important to me.  We are both stubborn and I am not so sure one of us will cave.  To be honest, I think he only wants the wedding because that is what his daughter and mother want, it is not their wedding, should he not be caring about what I want first and foremost?  I am also afraid that daughter and mommy will get all of the attention and my boys and I will be sitting on the sidelines.  Should I just give in to him?

Kids get in the way of a marriage.

 

 

 
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June 18, 2007, 1:05 pm PDT

About U Jim...

Quote From: jim1970

Kids get in the way of a marriage.

 

 

So Jim, have you ever been married and do you have kids?  I read some of your responses and liked them, straight to the point, no BS.
 
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June 18, 2007, 2:36 pm PDT

baby's dad confused and confusing

Hi,
I am 24 and my precious baby girl is just 3 weeks old.  Her dad and I were together for two years - in immature, rocky relationship.   I broke up with him last fall - found out I was pregnant the next day - and still did not want to be with him.   Lived with my parents all during pregnancy - extremely nauseous for first four months.   The dad and I reconciled and became a couple again while I was pregnant.   He lives 2.5 hours away  but visited often and went to childbirth classes with me.  Suddenly, he said he would be supportive of the baby, but did not want to be in relationship with me.  Was very hard for me, since I had thought we were getting married.  Two weeks before baby's birth, I caught him texting and phoning a girl in London (we live in Florida USA).  He did not understand why I was upset, and told me he never wanted to see me again and did not want to see the baby.   I called him when I went into labor.  He was there and very supportive during labor and delivery, stayed with me in hospital for 2 days - all the time texting this other girl.  Two weeks ago, I met another guy who really likes me and i am attracted to him too.  We've been seeing each other some.   Baby's dad found about about him and, predictably, now wants me back.   I am torn.  On one hand, just a month ago I really wanted to be with him.  And I know would be better for baby if we are together.  On other hand,  I really like this new guy.  And I don't trust the baby's dad anymore, and he does not trust me.  Don't know if I should stop seeing the new guy and focus on forgiveness and trust issues with the baby's dad.  Or if I should admit that we never have had a strong mature relationship and stay separate rather than exposing the baby to our drama and anger.

Ideas???

Thanks!
Gingerlily

 
 
 
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June 18, 2007, 4:00 pm PDT

By the way...

Quote From: stinkerbel

So Jim, have you ever been married and do you have kids?  I read some of your responses and liked them, straight to the point, no BS.
Kids do not ruin marriages.  That is done by the actions of one or both of the married parties.  My kids didn't ruin my marriage, my cheating husband did.  Some things are fine to say straight to the point, yet an opinion like that should be kept to yourself, it is an opinion, not a helpful gesture.
 
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June 19, 2007, 6:55 pm PDT

one track mind

hello all...i'd appreciate any input whatsoever, as i've been thinking about what is bothering me for over a year (and having those annoying curcular conversations to boot!) to no avail:

my boyfriend is 2 years older than i am. neither of has ever been married, though we had both been in committed long-term relationships before getting together three years ago. i am very much interested in getting married and having a child (or children)...while i am confident that my boyfriend loves me, he is not sure that he wants either.  if he sat me down and said "we want different things", i'd end the relationship immediately. my problem has been that he won't say "i don't want marriage" or "i'm not interested in having kids" or even "i wantt o get married but not to you!", and we're going on 3 years of exclusively dating one another.  i love him dearly, but he's 37 going on 25 (and fully admits that).  i'm so pissed that he could date me another 3 years, decide it's not working, then marry someone 10 years younger than himself and still have time for children if he wants to!  i keep telling him that if i were 25 right now, the future of our relationship wouldn't be such an issue for us right now---but i'm not.  i HAVE to think about biology, right?  should i end this now and start looking for someone else?  i'm well-educated and have a fantastic job...and --not to be obnoxious--i'm still pretty cute at this point (if i do say so myself).  i don't want to waste another 3 years if this isn't going anywhere....

 

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June 19, 2007, 11:51 pm PDT

Thanks for the response

Quote From: jim1970

Here's a thought...

 

Why don't you go for a guy who actually WANTS to be married.

 

God!  You girls are lacking!  That's why MEN are more intelligent. 


When something doesn't work, we throw it away and get something else.  You girls, however, like to cry about the guy with whom you wasted your youth and you cry that he doesn't want to get married.

 

Look for a guy who wants to get married in the first place.  I know I'm coming from a logical point of view, but women don't understand logic-which is why you've been frustrated for 3 1/2 years.

Thank you for the response, although there is more to the story then I shared the first time.  I guess I was just using marriage as a distraction for everything I have been feeling.  I was sexually assaulted 4 years ago and never dealt with it.  And for that, I have internalized all of my emotions that I have felt up until this point for my relationship with this man.  I don't want to marry him anymore because I know that's not what the real issue is.  The reason all of this surfaced is because we got into a fight and he grabbed my leg and it unleashed everything that had happened to me four years ago that i hadn't dealt with.  And you are right, most girls do act this way but I'm not one of them.  I'm going to counseling now and facing my issues.  I just wish I could get Dr. Phil to help me. 
 
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June 20, 2007, 12:49 am PDT

Talk about it

Quote From: julia72

hello all...i'd appreciate any input whatsoever, as i've been thinking about what is bothering me for over a year (and having those annoying curcular conversations to boot!) to no avail:

my boyfriend is 2 years older than i am. neither of has ever been married, though we had both been in committed long-term relationships before getting together three years ago. i am very much interested in getting married and having a child (or children)...while i am confident that my boyfriend loves me, he is not sure that he wants either.  if he sat me down and said "we want different things", i'd end the relationship immediately. my problem has been that he won't say "i don't want marriage" or "i'm not interested in having kids" or even "i wantt o get married but not to you!", and we're going on 3 years of exclusively dating one another.  i love him dearly, but he's 37 going on 25 (and fully admits that).  i'm so pissed that he could date me another 3 years, decide it's not working, then marry someone 10 years younger than himself and still have time for children if he wants to!  i keep telling him that if i were 25 right now, the future of our relationship wouldn't be such an issue for us right now---but i'm not.  i HAVE to think about biology, right?  should i end this now and start looking for someone else?  i'm well-educated and have a fantastic job...and --not to be obnoxious--i'm still pretty cute at this point (if i do say so myself).  i don't want to waste another 3 years if this isn't going anywhere....

This is a tricky situation partiularly with all the emotions involved however I think you need to start by openly talking about this with each other. Find out what his concerns are about marriage/ having children and talk about possible solutions for his concerns. If he cannot agree to any solutions perhaps this is his way of saying he just doen't want kids. Sometimes not making a desision is a decision in its self (in this case not making a decision could mean he does not want marriage or kids) and as you said it is quite possible for him to string you along and ruin your chances of having children. Therefore after having a dicussion perhaps you could give him a time frame of giving you an answer (3mths?) then if he cannot give you an anwer it may be time to move on.
 
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June 21, 2007, 11:14 pm PDT

Thank you for your advice

Quote From: stinkerbel

Okay, he gave you a ring 2 years ago, not even an engagement ring, a promise ring....are we still in high school?  I am not trying to be rude but that is  a crock if you ask me.  You are not underage where you can't get married, so a promise ring is like a slap in the face.  Like he is saying, yes I want to spend my life with you, yet I am scared to make it permanent so I will give her whatever will keep her satisfied, yet you are not.  They know we are more sensitive and probably won't say anything because we don't want to hurt them, so they will only get away with what we let them.  The only other thing to think of is his views on marriage, he may not feel comfortable that you were married once, those vows were broken and that might scare him.  I guess you just have to weigh everything because only you know everything.  I hope this helps and I hope it didn't offend you.

  I don't think when he gave me the ring he ment it that way. I was the one at first not wanting to rush and get married. I did it once and got my heart broken. I didn't break my vowls I was betrayd. Anyway, He says to me whatever I want to do is fine with him. I just don't want to go threw what I did in my past. And how do u not let that happen again??? I don't know the answer to that at all nor do I think anyone eals miaght or might not.

  I know that I love him and want to grow old togeather. I know he loves me but is he in love with me??/ He said yes he is. When I ask him how do you know you love me and want to be with me he said this I just know I can't say why I just know I love you and want to be with you. I said ok, you don't know why u do, u just do. and he said yes excakly. I know how I feel about him and why. Is this normal or what????  Am I to exprseve or is he not enough?? I know that people have diffrent ways and some have a harder time doing so but how do u not know why you feel the way u do???

  once again thank you. Do you have any ideas about this please do tell. Blynn.

 
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June 22, 2007, 7:37 pm PDT

Sorry that happened

Quote From: roxysrg

Thank you for the response, although there is more to the story then I shared the first time.  I guess I was just using marriage as a distraction for everything I have been feeling.  I was sexually assaulted 4 years ago and never dealt with it.  And for that, I have internalized all of my emotions that I have felt up until this point for my relationship with this man.  I don't want to marry him anymore because I know that's not what the real issue is.  The reason all of this surfaced is because we got into a fight and he grabbed my leg and it unleashed everything that had happened to me four years ago that i hadn't dealt with.  And you are right, most girls do act this way but I'm not one of them.  I'm going to counseling now and facing my issues.  I just wish I could get Dr. Phil to help me. 
I'm real sorry that this happened to you and I have no idea what it feels like to come from that edge of the sword.  I hope things work for you.
 
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