I
wasn’t surewhether to put this in the Relationships Over 40 – or here;
but I guess theprimary subject is about commitment/marriage – involving
alcohol addiction. Ihave been in a distance relationship for over 3
years [introduced by a mutualfriend whom I was visiting and have known
since kindergarten]. Two years into the relationship he proposed& I accepted. He
is everything my ex-husbandwasn’t – creative, loving, open & warm,
and insightful; I am in my late40’s, he in his mid 50’s; we both have
children who love us [me one, he 4], andwe have stable jobs, the main
reason I would ever marry is for love, being ableto share my life with
him! I essentiallylive on an island &
he has set up a lifestyle in the north where he spendswinters dog
mushing and winter activities out at his cabin. I plan on moving next year.
After
a lot of observation& introspection, it has become clear to me he
is an alcoholic, or isentering the mid to late stages of. Withmuch
difficulty I expressed a change of heart about marriage to him until I
could see a record of sobriety; but I still maintain my commitment to
the relationship. He says he will quit. If it
were anybody else I would have given upon this relationship, his many
good qualities make me want to give him and ourrelationship, a chance. Not
knowing muchabout alcoholism, other than mainstream information, I
found and read a book titled”Under The Influence” by Milam and Ketcham,
which addresses “the myths andrealities of alcoholism.” There
were several facts I read that blew me away - at least I never heard
this! Besides the fact that 10% of the population processes alcohol on
a cellular level different than others, over the history of their life,
if these people continue to abuse alcohol more & more their cells
actually change. Alcoholism is a disease that changes the cells - the
thing is they get to a certain point where they can’t stop drinking no
matter how hard they try - this has nothing to do with their psychology
or mental stamina; it has to do with physiology and cell changes. Well, he told me he would/could “stopdrinking” and that he has “stopped before.” I
don’t think he realizes the power the alcohol has over him at this
point in his life; and it would be very difficult to tell him
everything I’ve learned reading about this disease – i.e., that there
is a huge probability he would need treatment to stop. He minimizes the seriousness of it.
Am
I wrong to think I will take his word he is “stopping” drinking – but
yet the times I have asked him whether he was drinking, he admits he
can’t lie to me – tonight he said he just had a little though, “not
that much”. I cannot marry him until he is
no longer actively drinking, but I cannot see what he is doing everyday
due to the distance of our relationship; even if I could it is up to
him - we see each other maybe once a month or every other month. Next
year my 17-year old [God willing]graduates and I am quitting my job and
moving north to go to school/changecareers - but also to be closer to
him. He has such a good heart; sometimes I
feel like I must be crazy; surely people are supposed to be smart
enough not to fall in love with an alcoholic and why wasn’t I smart
enough? Any suggestions,comments, or
experiences you may have had would be truly appreciated from the bottom
of my heart because I feel alone in this; I am afraid what my family
would say about me "knowingly" being with someone with a disease as
all-encompassing as this . . . . my mind goes back and forth back &
forth to where I wonder if I even know what the heck i'm doing in life.
. .
