Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Holy! Uhh this relationship is seriously one sided hun, sorry.

I don't think i personally would be willing to share ten years of my life with someone on the chance at  the end they will marry me?!

Way to much can happen in ten years, children being the biggest!

Nope, sorry, i recall a show were Dr.phil was at a place in his life were he was not sure, maybe yea maybe no, maybe wait a few years. His wife robin said no way buster, it either is or it isnt, there is no shades of grey. Either you love me and want to be with me or you don't.

I recall after she let him know this in no uncertain terms she ended the relationship with Dr.Phil, who then proceded to get his head together and realize he had to make a choice, and did not have the right to expect someone to "wait" for him to get his act together lol.

Needless to say, as every one knows Dr.Phil and robin are married have a beautiful family, great career, and look pretty happy to me.

Really, don't like it when people wave a ring around with a condition attached to it, that is such BS. If three years is a realistic time frame to expect a union to be commited to, great, Ten years is a bit much and is obviously unrealistic to you, and to my way of thinking too lol.

In that case you need to sit down and re-evaluate this relationship and set that man down and let him know that this Ten year thing is way out of tune with what you had in mind when you began working towards a union with him.

Let me know how things go.

HUGS

Tammy

 

 

If he doesn't have any positive role model to look up to, then tell him to find one! Sitting on your butt isn't going to solve anything. "You can't steer a ship that isn't moving". Get involved in a group. A church is often a good way to go, if not, join a club anywhere and keep a lookout for anyone that is a good example. This is uncomfortable starting out, he could ask the person/people to be a mentor to him, or an accountability buddy. Having someone to talk to helps in all areas of life, I honestly would suggest one for you too, one who doesn't know your guy so her advice is impartial.

It sounds like he might need some personal counceling (however you spell it). If he doesn't think he isn't good enough for you he might have self-esteem issues, which he would need to work through.  There also might be some childhood trama associated with marriage which would make him unsure if he wants to do that.

I had a similar issue to what you are discribing, my parents didn't have a good relationship nor anyone else I knew, and I had self-esteem issues. It can be a tough time, but if he is like me, he needs a little push.

If he is unwilling to try, he is just stuck in his rut, my advice is to leave him. That insecurity will not leave after any amount of time unless you deal with it directly.

 

This has nothing to do with being smart or not. You fell in love with the person, but the habit will kill him. Alchohol does many things to your body, that is all I know for sure. If he goes to the doctor he might find out his timeline on how long he has to live before the disease kills him. If you don't mind loosing him early, and he isn't dangerous when he is drunk (to himself or anyone else) then stay by all means.

He needs to figure out how he can get through this, if he really wants to quit. If you haven't seen him daily then I wouldn't suggest making the hasty move of moving out there, unless maybe you are getting a place on your own.

 Hi, I am a 30 year old single female.  I have been dating my
boyfriend for a little over 3 years.  Fortunatlely, neither of us
has any children and we don't live together (seems like that should
make the escape easier!) .  The first year and 1/2 of our life
together was fabulous.  We have so much fun together, share
similar hobbies, values, etc.  We both have similar goals in
life.  Everything seemed to be going great until one
day...............I  really became ready for the next step: 
COMMITTMENT and MARRIAGE.  I used to kind of hint around about it,
tease around and stuff.  He took that as nagging and marriage
became a taboo word.   For the next year, I tried to mold
myself into how I thought he would like me and want to marry me
more.   We began fighting ALOT.  For awhile, it was
almost a weekly fight.  For the past 6 months I have laid back,
started doing more on my own and just living my life.  This seemed
to make things better between us.  However, there have still been
some really bad fights.  He's a really great guy, a lot of 
fun, honest, smart, etc.  We seem to for some reason bring out the
worst in each other though.   I don't feel he is there for me
emotionally.  I feel he is there physically, like his physical
prescence is there, but not emotionally.   Last weekend, we
started being intimiate with one another ( I was feeling empty
emotionally prior to it).  I just could not take the physical
intimacy without the emotional intimacy.  I just lost it, I
started crying, I felt so awful.  It felt as if I was letting him
use me, that we had no connection.  I try to have faith in us, I
really do.  I just don't know how much longer I can wait
though.  I truely desire to have a happy marriage and have
children.  I have waited 3 years (well, actually 2 ) for
him.  How much longer do I wait or will I even be happy with
him?  It is very very scary at the thought of leaving
him.   Does he just need to grow up?  Any advice is
greatly appreciated!  Thanks!!

" I tried to mold myself into how I thought he would like me and want to marry me"

 

If he truly loved you, he would accept you for who you are, faults and all. 

 

Let's face it in the beginning of all relationships, thing are great.  We spend so much time together, do whatever it takes to please eachother, put eachother first , we jump through hoops just to make eachother happy and meet eachothers emotional needs.  First stage of love, truly wonderful but can fall apart quickly when one wants to marry and the other one doesn't. 

 

He could be a great guy, smart, honest but that doesn't mean he wants to get married to you or anybody else.  You can't make him want to get married, you shouldn't have to force him - he'd get married if he wanted to.  If you truly desire to get married and have children, you may have to do that with someone else. 

I don't think one has to grow up to get married, that just may not be his ultimate goal in life.  You two obviously want two entirely different things.  It doesn't make either one of you right or wrong.

 

You are staying in a relationship that is extremely unhealthy for you.  You are staying with him because you are hoping he will change, he may never change.   You ae staying because you are afraid to be alone, afraid of he unknown, and probably don't want to endure the pain of breaking up.  You are not happy with him, you two have been fighting for way too long.    I do believe that it is time to leave and heal your wounds.  Mourn this relationship and when you have healed, find a man who wants the same dreams that you have.  Is it hard, absolutely.  But sometimes it is necessary.

 

I am a 24 yr old that has been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and he has asked me three times to marry him. But each time he asks me a couple of weeks later he will start acting different towards me and we will fight alot then he'll call it off. Also, he refuses to tell even his mother about the engagment when he ask me. Now he's telling me that he does want to get married and that he's saving up for a ring, but I am feeling like everything he tells me now is not true. I love him and know that he is the one for me, but I'm just really confused about where his mind truly is pretaining to us.

 

After everytime that he asks me to marry him I will get excited(naturally).. but when one of our family members or one of our mutual friends asks us about it he will do this repulsed face and tell them that he doesn't want to get married....After saying that he'll tell me that he is ready but he just doesn't want everyone to know yet...I just don't know what to do anymore...I don't want to give him an ultimatium but I am getting extremely tired of the run around games that he does with me...

 

Please help me!!

Don't give him a ultimatium unless you are 100% sure that you can carry through with it.

 

He is not ready to get engaged or married at his time in his life.  Maturity comes with age (hopefully) and he has alot of growing up to do.  When two people decide to begin a life together it's filled with excitement, hopes, dreams and want to share their happiness with the world.  

 

This would really be a good time for the two of you to have a sit down and start working on your communications skills.  He needs to realize that you have feelings and he needs to respect them, not trample all over them.  Just by the way you explain this situation, you two have some serious issues and need to resolve them before even thinking about getting engaged. 

 

Instead of even worrying about this ring, start working on this relationship.  Getting married does not solve any problems.  He has a definate lack of respect for you that you can not overlook.  If he doesn't start putting you first, you may need to break up because you should be treated much better than this.  And for you to even accept this behavior and want to take his ring shows me that neither one of you are ready for marriage at this time.

i've been with my boyfriend for the past 5 years and we are ready to spend the rest of our lives together. my mother used to like him (that was about 2 years ago) until she suddenly decided that i won't have a happy marriage with him. her reason behind her disapproval is actually valid - my boyfriend mother is a bit weird. I have made the initial mistake of whining to my mother about how wierd his mother is. after 3 years of having to put up with his mom (which she has never met), she decides that i should not continue with my bf because it's going to lead to marriage and a bad one.

my mom claims that she wanted to talk to his mother to clear up any misunderstandings she has had with her before she would allow me to be with him again. my bf and i have tried hard not to have that happen because it would result in nothing constructive but fights and arguments. in her efforts to reach his mother, she calls her 30 times a day (at the least). my bf picked up once and started arguing with her. needless to say it was BAD.

my mother takes extreme measures to prevent me from "falling into the pit" - threatening suicide. i have been told that threats are usually not as serious as they seem (even though they should be taken seriously), but what really bothers me is that she actually went to the doctors and collected sleeping pills twice (which means she has 40 pills at this point in her hands).

as an adult, i should be able to make decisions on my own (who i choose to spend my life with), but having someone's life "dependable" on me is another thing. my mother is a single parent, and she has no one to depend on but me since i'm her only child. she gives me this unreasonable explanation saying that she's not stopping me from being with him - she says i am more than welcome to choose my future by being with him, and i have no rights to stop her from choosing hers (to kill herself). i have tried my best to communicate with her but with no avail.

i'm happy with him - and i can't see myself happy with anyone else. and i know, i just know, if i break up with him, i will regret it for the rest of my life. i just don't know how to handle my mom.

PLEASE ADVICE. ANY SUGGESTIONS WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. THANKS SOO MUCH FOR BEARING WITH ME

Your mother sounds mentally unstable.
It is emotionally abusive of her to threaten to kill herself if you marry the man that you love. Although any threats of suicide should be taken seriously, your mother's threat is unreasonable and totally irrational. Does a rational person threaten to kill themself when a person in their life doesn't do what they want them to do? None that I know of.
Do you live with your mother at this time in your life?  I am asking because I am wondering if your mother is scared that if you marry this man, she will "lose" you. It is possible that her threats of suicide have nothing to do with your future MIL, it has a lot to do with herself and how she feels about her life. Maybe she feels that once you are married, she will be a person without a purpose in life. Does she have friends or other relatives? Does she have activities or hobbies that she engages in? She needs to have something to look forward to in her life, things that are totally separate from you, so that she has the feeling of value coming from somewhere else in her life.
Are you even engaged at this point? If not, then don't even talk about marriage around your mother. If she brings it up, repeat yourself like a broken record: "Mom, I told you, we aren't discussing or planning anything at this time." Then, change the subject. She wants to control you, and she feels that the only way to maintain that control is by threatening to kill herself.

I need to hear someone else's perspective about my current situation.  My boyfriend and I have been dating 2 years, living together 1 year, and have been engaged for 2 weeks.  I accepted his marriage proposal and we're planning a wedding in 2008.

 

My problem is, I always purposely try to find things wrong with our relationship.  Almost like,  I feel like everything has gone wrong with past relationships, so when is it going tto happen this time?

 

My fiance is not a very open person.  I typically find out things about him when he accidently leaves his email inbox open, and I give into temptation and snoop through his inbox.

 

Within the last 8 months, I have discovered that he's been having online relationships with two other girls.  While I am mentioned in his correspondence to them, he never tells me that he's having these online relationships.  I am confident that he has been faithful in our relationship, but don't really understand why he feels the need to talk to other girls in secret in the first place.

 

Is this just another case of me trying to find something to go wrong?  Or do you believe his actions are wrong?  Should I confront him about this again - like I did the first time or let it go?  Confronting him would mean that I would need to admit to peeking through his inbox.

 

Maybe he's just having doubts?  Although my doubts are mainly because of the emails I find in his inbox.

 

Im really confused.