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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Number of Replies: 960
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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October 5, 2005, 11:20 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: imawakenow

i dont understand why people are so quick to move in, have children, etc BEFORE THEY ARE MARRIED. People just dont take it seriously anymore. And then people wonder why they get hurt or are treated like crap.   :::confused::: They have an old saying that goes why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free.
I take offense to your comment. How can you be so judging in this day and age. I may be young and make mistakes like everyone does, but I look at it like this. Why marry someone without living with them first? How do your know that you are really going to be able to live with that person day in and out without trying before you take the plunge. I have lived with two different men in the past 7 years and thought I do regret living with the last, my life is so wonderful now living with my boyfriend. How do you sort out every little thing that bothers you about living with your husband before even living with him? I was treated like crap in my past relationship but I by no means thing it was my fault. I didn't sign up to be treated like crap when I signed the lease. Maybe you are older than me but times have changed. Living together in my opinion is the best way of ensuring that your marriage will last. I recommend it to everyone before they get married then maybe the divorce rate in this country would go down. I do agree that people are having children out of wedlock alot more than in the past, but there is really nothing that can be done, people are gonna do what they want to do. I think you should maybe try to rethink your harsh judgments of others.
 
October 6, 2005, 8:36 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: imawakenow

i dont understand why people are so quick to move in, have children, etc BEFORE THEY ARE MARRIED. People just dont take it seriously anymore. And then people wonder why they get hurt or are treated like crap.   :::confused::: They have an old saying that goes why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free.
Everyone is different and are entitled to their own opinions. My boyfriend moved in with me because he had no place to go. He was just divorced and was staying with his mom till he got back on his feet. Well, she kicked him out and he had no other place to go. I wasn't going to be cold hearted and say "oh well" "That's not my problem" I am an adult, and I can choose to live with a man before I get married if I want to. We got pregnant and it was unplanned. But we worked through it. We are still together and have a wonderful daughter. I personally wouldn't want to marry someone without living with them first. I would want to see how they live and if we got along living together. I think your comment was very rude and cold hearted for thinking everyone is wrong for living together and "rushing" into everything. You don't know everyone's situation, and therefore shouldn't be so judgemental. That whole saying "why buy the cow...." doesn't work for everyone. It doesn't work in my case here. Next time, think before you speak!!!
 
October 6, 2005, 8:44 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: kindheart1

my name is bridget and i am 17 i'll be turning 18 in January and i'm getting married to the love of my life in march and his mother and father hates me with a passion. I dont understand it because I have been so nice to them and never said anything out of the way to them because I love my fiance and I dont want him in the middle of all this but he is and I dont like that.. They tell him not to marry me because I'm a trouble maker and a liar and that I'm no good..So we dont know what to do...We are not letting them come to our wedding or come to our house or anything because of the way that his parents treats us when we are together.  They are so harsh I'm a very sweet and loving girl and I always give everyong a chance because thats the kind of person that I am. I love my fiance with all my heart and soul but we just dont know what to do about his parents because they even abused him when he was little but he is nothing like his parents at all..He is so loving and caring it's hard to believe that he came from that mess you know.  So my parents are helping us by giving us their old trailer and helping us get started ...We love my parents cause they are willing to help us and approve of our marriage...So Please if you all have any advice or just anything please let me know....Thanks Bridget
I dated a guy for two years and we were planning on getting married. But my problem was that he was a HUGE momma's boy and everything she said, he had to do it and he thought everything she said was true. His sister started saying lies about me like I was going to cheat on him, etc. I was always nice to his family and they would talk behind my back. He never stuck up for me and that is why I ended the relationship. My advise would be to stay away from his parents till they treated the both of you better. You two are adults now, not children. They need to treat you like it or they shouldn't be around you and your man. But I'm not an expert, so I don't know if that is the best advice. Maybe if you stay away, one day they will come around. I wish you two the best.
 
October 6, 2005, 11:08 pm CDT

thanks

Quote From: kobeer

I dated a guy for two years and we were planning on getting married. But my problem was that he was a HUGE momma's boy and everything she said, he had to do it and he thought everything she said was true. His sister started saying lies about me like I was going to cheat on him, etc. I was always nice to his family and they would talk behind my back. He never stuck up for me and that is why I ended the relationship. My advise would be to stay away from his parents till they treated the both of you better. You two are adults now, not children. They need to treat you like it or they shouldn't be around you and your man. But I'm not an expert, so I don't know if that is the best advice. Maybe if you stay away, one day they will come around. I wish you two the best.
Thank you for your advice...it really helps to have other ppl around to talk too....Trust me I'm going to stay away from his parents for as long as i can...cause the only thing that they know how to do is cause us trouble...thanks again
 
October 9, 2005, 2:03 pm CDT

What should I do?

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. I am 20 years old and he is 36, he has 2 wonderful children from a previous marriage. They are 10 and 12I get along with them great, he got a divorce because she cheated on him and got pregnant. I have recently tryed to talk to him about where he thinks our relationship is going and he really dosn't like to talk about it...He says to "just let things go where they go" which i guess is fine for him but I can't do that. I have already put a year toward this relationship and I realize I would love nothing more then to marry him...Ok I'm not talking about doing this tomorrow I just want some kind of sign that it might happen in the future. And he can't give that to me...I'm not sure he wants to get married again because he was hurt so badly in the past...If anyone has any advice about what I should do or how I should handle this situation I would greatly appreciate it....Thanks.......................... 

 
October 10, 2005, 6:03 pm CDT

i understand how u feell

Quote From: alejbar21

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. I am 20 years old and he is 36, he has 2 wonderful children from a previous marriage. They are 10 and 12I get along with them great, he got a divorce because she cheated on him and got pregnant. I have recently tryed to talk to him about where he thinks our relationship is going and he really dosn't like to talk about it...He says to "just let things go where they go" which i guess is fine for him but I can't do that. I have already put a year toward this relationship and I realize I would love nothing more then to marry him...Ok I'm not talking about doing this tomorrow I just want some kind of sign that it might happen in the future. And he can't give that to me...I'm not sure he wants to get married again because he was hurt so badly in the past...If anyone has any advice about what I should do or how I should handle this situation I would greatly appreciate it....Thanks.......................... 

my boyfriend just went through a long custody battle with his ex over his seven year old daughter and won. The thing is, he was promising to marry me as soon as the trial was over and now that he got her, he wants to wait and acts like he is scared to do anything to cross his ex or anything that will piss her off and it is making our relationship hell!!! 

He does everything his ex wants and his daughter wants in fear of making them mad. 

How do i get him over this and let us have a new start together withgout worrying about what shes gonna do next? Do i give him an ultimatum? Do I confront his ex or stay out of it? I know he is very in love with me and hates his ex and doesnt want to see his daughter go back to her because she is a control feek.. but sometimes i wonder who is in control of our relationship? the ex? the daughter, or him??He wont even tell his ex or daughter that he plans for us to get married in june!! 

 
October 11, 2005, 6:55 am CDT

Engaged to be married but is he really into it?

I have dated this guy for 5.5 years. I am 30 and he is 33. He finally poped the question and we got engaged.  Sometimes I feel like we are really just roomates.  Here's some reasons why. One time I was out with some friends and they left and I got stranded downtown. It happens in large crowds.  So, I called up my boyfriend to pick me up and he didn't pick up the phone so I had no phone book with me and only twenty dollars.  It wasn't enough to get home via cab.  I hitchiked home and when I got home the phone was unplugged. I plugged the phone back in and there were my messages.  I got really upset because he had the energy to get out of bed and disconnect the line but not to answer the phone or pick me up.  I need to know if I'm making a mistake by calling it off and moving forward alone.  I'm going through some tough times at work and only working small hours and not making a lot of money.  we had a deal where I paid for the bills and groceries and he paid for the rent.  With the small amount of money I get, I focuss on paying the bills and THEN I go grocery shopping with what I have left. As I mentioned, I haven't been working as much so I haven't made a whole lot.  I paid off our bills but this time I couldn't afford to buy groceries.  When he found out I couldn't afford to buy groceries, he got mad and said that he would buy them AGAIN and that I am not to eat his food.  I thought we were suppose to be a team.  Several times I do remember buying with little that I have I would still buy him what he wanted.  Another thing that bothers me is that after 5.5 years he still can't say he loves me.  Guys just say that he has a hard time expressing himself.  I need to know the truth. I mean come on.  FIVE years and he still can't say it?  I quit eating his food and started to sleep on the couch. I figure that if he wants to treat me like a roomate, I will act like a roomate and completely cut him off from sex and sleep on the couch. I have been feeling so empty and it's making me wonder why I am with him.  I found out that when he was younger his mother didn't want anything to do with him and that it was only till he ws a teenager that she just got involved in his life.  His father is a lot like him.  Another thing I don't like is that he doesn't understand why I get upset about him looking at internet porn/girls.  At first it really didn't bother me then the more I thought about it, It did bother me.  He can look at other woman and can't say he loves me or even show me he loves me. That is why I feel so crappy.  I'm not getting or feeling any love from him.  It all comes down to this ring he bought me.........I think it was a "shut up" ring.  He doesn't like to talk about setting a date (It's been 3 months) he told his friend when he asked when were getting married 2 years from now.  I gave back the ring and now I'm thinking I made a mistake. I'm feeling really confused because I love him. I have already spoke to him about how I feel and he sais that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't care or love me.  How can I get him to say he loves me and to start being a fiance instead of a roomate.   Or, am I really wasting my time with this one.  He woke up this morning and just left to work without saying goodbye.  He's making out like nothing is wrong or like he doesn't care.  Any Ideas?
 
October 11, 2005, 7:23 am CDT

What Should We Do?

My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. We have been together for over a year and have lived together going on 4 months. We know we are ment to be together we have been glued at the hip since we first started dating. However, I do have a concern. I recently found out my boyfriend witnessed abuse. Is it true that if a child was abused or witnessed abuse he will grow up and be an abuser. I have always thought they end up just like the abuser. But, does it mean that every abused child will grow up like their abuser? My boyfriend's father abused his mother physically, and emotionally and sexually. My boyfriend didn't tell me this though, his mother did, and when I asked my boyfriend to talk about it with me he got extremely upset and said when he is ready he will tell me, but he siad he won't be ready for a very long time. I'm a strong woman and I wouldn't stay with a man that abuses me no matter what form it is in. My boyfriend has never been abusive to me. We have gotten into some huge arguements but he has never raised his hand to me, and never sexually abused me. As far as emotional abuse, he has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. When we have had our arguments in the past he does get right up in my face. I love my boyfriend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. However, I'm now afraid that he will end up being like his father. Will he be? what do you think? I don't want to get married and then find out he is abusive. He won't talk to me about it at all but he has insured me that if he ever became abusive he would leave me cause he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Am I looking too much into this? I want to tell my boyfriend everything his mother told me but his mother has also binded me to secrecy and I know he will go back to his mother if I tell him. I can't stop thinking about this, and what I should do. I decided to just wait it out and see if he will ever tell me about his childhood.
 
October 11, 2005, 7:41 am CDT

i was married to a man like that for 12 yrs

Quote From: divergrl75

I have dated this guy for 5.5 years. I am 30 and he is 33. He finally poped the question and we got engaged.  Sometimes I feel like we are really just roomates.  Here's some reasons why. One time I was out with some friends and they left and I got stranded downtown. It happens in large crowds.  So, I called up my boyfriend to pick me up and he didn't pick up the phone so I had no phone book with me and only twenty dollars.  It wasn't enough to get home via cab.  I hitchiked home and when I got home the phone was unplugged. I plugged the phone back in and there were my messages.  I got really upset because he had the energy to get out of bed and disconnect the line but not to answer the phone or pick me up.  I need to know if I'm making a mistake by calling it off and moving forward alone.  I'm going through some tough times at work and only working small hours and not making a lot of money.  we had a deal where I paid for the bills and groceries and he paid for the rent.  With the small amount of money I get, I focuss on paying the bills and THEN I go grocery shopping with what I have left. As I mentioned, I haven't been working as much so I haven't made a whole lot.  I paid off our bills but this time I couldn't afford to buy groceries.  When he found out I couldn't afford to buy groceries, he got mad and said that he would buy them AGAIN and that I am not to eat his food.  I thought we were suppose to be a team.  Several times I do remember buying with little that I have I would still buy him what he wanted.  Another thing that bothers me is that after 5.5 years he still can't say he loves me.  Guys just say that he has a hard time expressing himself.  I need to know the truth. I mean come on.  FIVE years and he still can't say it?  I quit eating his food and started to sleep on the couch. I figure that if he wants to treat me like a roomate, I will act like a roomate and completely cut him off from sex and sleep on the couch. I have been feeling so empty and it's making me wonder why I am with him.  I found out that when he was younger his mother didn't want anything to do with him and that it was only till he ws a teenager that she just got involved in his life.  His father is a lot like him.  Another thing I don't like is that he doesn't understand why I get upset about him looking at internet porn/girls.  At first it really didn't bother me then the more I thought about it, It did bother me.  He can look at other woman and can't say he loves me or even show me he loves me. That is why I feel so crappy.  I'm not getting or feeling any love from him.  It all comes down to this ring he bought me.........I think it was a "shut up" ring.  He doesn't like to talk about setting a date (It's been 3 months) he told his friend when he asked when were getting married 2 years from now.  I gave back the ring and now I'm thinking I made a mistake. I'm feeling really confused because I love him. I have already spoke to him about how I feel and he sais that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't care or love me.  How can I get him to say he loves me and to start being a fiance instead of a roomate.   Or, am I really wasting my time with this one.  He woke up this morning and just left to work without saying goodbye.  He's making out like nothing is wrong or like he doesn't care.  Any Ideas?
I feel like i just took a walk back in time reading your messege!! I was married to a man simalar to that for 12 years. We had two kids and he treated them the same way. It took me divorcing him to realize how much he really loved us. He was in a comfort zone our whole marriage and I was his slave. He never told me he loved me, never would hold my hand in public or show me affection except at night before he left for work, because he worked nights..since then i have met the most wonderful, loving caring man in the world who would do anything for me and my kids.. there are men like that out there. Dont settle, you can love again and i know its hard to let go, but im telling you, you will never be happy with this man. You are an attractive woman and you need to have someone to make you feel that way and to love you and support you through tough times!! Im sorry you are going through that but i hope you can find a way to have happiness!!
 
October 11, 2005, 7:58 pm CDT

confused

 me and my boyfriends have been together for over a year now, were engaged and gettin married after the first of the year. I have one problem though. I dated this guy 2 yrs ago, some things happened in his life that at the time our relationship couldnt work. Here we are over 2 yrs later and the feelings for each other are still there. Hes married now with a baby due anyday and im bout to be married, yet we feel like we are stuck in the same boat. Were as if either of us makes a move the boat will tip over.  I love my boyfriend now, my ex loves his wife but we still want to be with each other. I'm confusses and stressed..we are both closer in age yet with people way younger then us. What do i do??
 
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