Topic : Ready for Marriage?

So over a year and a half ago i asked my boyfriend to marry me and he said yes to my delite well a year went by and i asked about us getting a ring as we live together with 3 kids money can be tight we put one on lay-by and i was over the moon when we got it. We decided we would put it away until he was ready to give it to me you know in a nice way. Now 2mths after getting the ring he say's "I know you want that ring bub  but i dont think i am ready . so sorry. love you" that was a mth ago. I still feel so hart broken we have been together  just about 4 years annd we are both in our 30s and i just cant get rid of the feeing that i want marrage???We are very much in love and get on well and we have a good relationship...What can i do???

So over a year and a half ago i asked my boyfriend to marry me and he said yes to my delite well a year went by and i asked about us getting a ring as we live together with 3 kids money can be tight we put one on lay-by and i was over the moon when we got it. We decided we would put it away until he was ready to give it to me you know in a nice way. Now 2mths after getting the ring he say's "I know you want that ring bub  but i dont think i am ready . so sorry. love you" that was a mth ago. I still feel so hart broken we have been together  just about 4 years annd we are both in our 30s and i just cant get rid of the feeing that i want marrage???We are very much in love and get on well and we have a good relationship...What can i do???

My concern is that he doesn't think you "deserve" to wear white???  What does that mean......

 

This is your wedding as well and decisions should be mutual and all should be willing to compromise to make the other person happy. I would think that he would do anything and everything to make you happy and special on your wedding day.   Sounds like he has some control issues to deal with.  No offense but if he is so unwilling to make compromises and consider your feelngs and wishes on your wedding day - can't imagine what a life with this man may be like down the road.  This is a huge red flag that you should not sweep under the rug.

You certainly can't make him marry you but you can find out why he is hesitant.  Is he afraid of committment, not sure if he can afford a wedding, not sure if you're the one etc... There obviously is a reason as to why he won't give you that ring and you need to find out what his fears are.  You can't read his mind so ask him in a loving way if he can explain to you his position so that you are not left in he dark as you want to understand him.  You may not agree with him but at least having an adult conversation regarding your future is something he can give to you.

It sounds like you are aware of your behaviors that cause issues, are you willing to change? It is difficult to admit that you are wrong, that is understandable. But think about it from your boyfriend’s perspective. It must feel very bad to be him at times.
To create change, you have to have what Dr. Phil calls the “spirit of willingness.” Meaning, you have to embrace change and be positive about it. The change that needs to occur in your life is positive, it could bring you a lifetime of happiness, and you deserve that. Your child deserves that, too. I highly recommend Dr. Phil’s book titled “Self Matters,” reading that book will help you become a better person, but it will be for YOU. Not for anyone else. It will be difficult to change your life-long behavior of being selfish, but you can do it- you’ve got to be willing to put your whole heart and soul into this change.
When you realize that you are being unreasonably selfish or that you are wrong, stop speaking, force yourself to calm down, and then apologize. If you are feeling angry, ask yourself this, “what am I really angry about?”  Wherever that anger comes from, it has to be resolved so that you can live a good life. I also suggest professional therapy, because having personal guidance while learning to improve yourself is so helpful! A professional will not judge you or hold a grudge, they will gently urge you on towards healthy change. I wish you the best!

"You" are ready to settle down but he obviously is not.  There are two huge red flags staring right at you and you are ignoring them.  He's on Myspace seeking out other women!!!!  Do you really think that just because he puts a ring on your finger that that will stop?  Why would he do that?  He's not ready to settle down with you, he's selfish and immature, he's a player, he is inconsiderate of you and your feelings and he's gonna do what he wants to do because you are stll there putting up with it!  You can't trust him because he is not trustworthy. 

What I simply don't understand is why you are trying to have children fully knowing that there is something terribly wrong with this relationship?  Stop trying to get pregnant.  Why in the world would you bring a child into this world knowing that the chances of his/her parents staying together happily is next to nothing?  Not only is he immature but you are too (sorry).  Having a child will not make him change his ways, it will not make him marry you nor will it stop him from cheating.  And yes, seeking out women online is cheating.  One day he will find one if he hasn't already take him up on his offer.  And where will that leave you, home alone pregnant or with a child while he's running around.  Is this how you envision your future?  I do.

 

Another ref flag - he made you give up your guy friends but he can keep his girl friends and make new ones on myspace????  Do you see something wrong with that??????  I do.  Stop ignoring the facts and start using your head.  his guy is no good or you.  Yes you have a 6 year history together of him doing whatever he wants and you following his rules.  You know it's wrong or you wouldn't be on this message board asking for help.  You can't change him, he is whohe is but you certainly do not have to stay in such a one sided relationship with a guy who obviously doesn't love and respect you as much as you think.  You've got all the warning signs of a disasterous marriage and future, stop trying to get pregnant and find yourself a good therapist who can talk some sense into you.

     Looking for some insight...I absolutely cannot stand my boyfriend's best friend.  He has 2 piercings on his face, can't hold a job, hardly doesn't speak, drinks captain morgan like it's water from the minute he gets off work on friday until sunday.  I get along with him just fine -- he has no personality so it's kind of easy to.  My boyfriend and I have gotten in arguements over his best friend being his best man in "our" wedding...we aren't even engaged so this is a hypothetical arguement, but it still upsets me, A LOT.  I thought your best man was supposed to be the man who the groom would trust to take care of his wife and kids should something ever happen to him.  Not some loser who already refused to my face to take out his piercings on my wedding day.  I wouldn't have such a problem with the lip ring and the eyebrow rings were he a down to earth, nice guy.  But this guy...I don't think he even has a soul...
Help :(

I can offer some insight, but I do not think you will care for it.  Your boyfriend has a right to choose a best friend and although it would be nice if he(captain) lived up to your standards, he really does not have too, because he is not your best friend.  Stressing over something even in theory I just don't get, are you jealous of the time he spends with his best friend or the personal connection in friendship. Would you ask your girlfriend to take out her piercings on your wedding day? Some people just look at body piercings as body piercings despite where they are. One could say that you come off harsh and your reasons are not any that are your business. If he is single, what do you care what he does on the weekends, how he appears, his work performance?  The Best Man is supposed to be someone that your groom admires and cares for whether it be brother, relative, or friend. I have never heard of a best man marrying the groom's widow, but I suppose it happens.

I would suggest "killing" him with kindness. Some guys drop their girls for their friends over hypothetical arguments.