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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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April 18, 2008, 12:44 pm PDT

Wrong on so many levels

Quote From: bebyfresh

 This will be kind of long & complicated but please help me out ! I really need some advice.

My Fiance & I have been dating for a little over 2 years now, and back then I was a bit controlling of my boyfriend & eventually he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend which was about 8 months into our relationship. he was seeing her behind my back for a month before i found out that he was cheating on me. once i confronted him about it, he told me he did like her, but he wanted to be with me and he broke it off with her and i took him back. even though i tried really hard to forget the past, thinking about what he did still hurt me inside and in some ways, you could say i wanted revenge.

my fiance left for the air force while we were dating for about 2 years and when he left, i found out he lied about some stuff that was a big deal to me at the time, but not so much to me anymore now. the reason i was so upset at the time was because of the fact that he lied to me and he has a history of lying to me about everything, constantly. So, i took that chance of him being gone for me to dump him and forget him. i thought " this is my chance to finally move on since he's not here anymore" i dumped him through a letter and then about a week after, i went out with this guy who had been interested in me for quite some time. while going out with this other guy, my fiance was still in the back of my mind constantly but that didnt mean i genuinely had feelings for this other guy as well. once my fiance came back, he we talked and ended up getting back together.

Later on, however, i found out he had been talking to this other girl behind my back for several months while we had gotten back together. He told me it was nothing but then when i looked at the phone bills, he had been talking to her for days straight and for LONG hours. sometimes even at 230 in the morning. He told me that he wanted to get back at me for what i had done.

when i had dated the other man, i thought that him and i were even and i felt a little better about everything. i felt that we could move on. but him doing that again makes me feel like i need revenge again for me to move on with this relationship happily. i know it sounds wrong but i just cant understand why he keeps doing that to me. its not even like i cheated on him. i don't know what to do. i'm scared that he will continue to do this in the future if he is unhappy with me or something. but he constantly assures me now that he loves only me and wants me to be his wife and that he cant imagine being with anyone else than me. should i believe him and give this marriage a chance? is it wrong if i "settle" the score again ? please help me with this confusion.
Your thoughts and fears are totally valid. He will continue to ‘settle the score,’ of course he will- ask yourself this: why would he stop? Why stop when he knows that he can be in a relationship with you that he enjoys, but at the same time, have relationships with other women? And to top it off, he “gets” to ‘blame’ you for his actions! This is unhealthy, unreasonable and disrespectful.
When he assures you that he loves you, that he is happy and that he wants you to be his wife, do you honestly, 100% believe those words? Or, is it difficult to truly believe what he says to you? If you have a difficult time believing him, that is understandable; he has lied to you many times. You said that he has a history of lying to you about many things- that is a very bad way to start out a marriage. As Dr. Phil says, ‘the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. . .’ Look at the past and the way that he handles conflict; is that the way you want to live the rest of your life? Always worrying, wondering what he is doing, what he has done, and if he is being honest or deceptive? That is no way to live. You deserve so much better. I urge you to think of this relationship as a very valuable life lesson. In the future, when a man lies to you and cheats on you, you move on.
Be good to yourself. Be your own best friend right now. I wish you the best!
 
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April 20, 2008, 11:33 pm PDT

My partner Hesitation

Good Day

 I’ve met a nice guy about 8 months ago after 3 months we decide to introduce each other to our family .After that his mother started to say bad things about me as she wants her son married to someone that she chooses for him. So his family do not accept we get engaged. From 5 months ago he is in struggle with his family so hard. Nobody pay attention to him so he gets so upset. About 1 month ago he said that he is not sure that he can manage this relationship. As he has lived alone for about 10 years he believes that he should be alone for rest of his life. He loses his confidence and nothing makes him happy. I asked him to be alone for a week and think if he wants to continue or not. After 10 days he came back to me and asked me to help him as he can’t not solve his problem alone. He assures me that nothing wrong with me and he loves me so much this is his inner problem. Now after about 2 weeks he still upset. He can’t sleep at night, he hesitates about everything. He has 2 job opportunities with high salary which even this situation does not make him happy. Pls help and informs me how I can help him. I want to know that is it only because of this stressful period of time and it will go away after a short time or it is much more important.Pls let me know about your Idea

 
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May 19, 2008, 2:07 am PDT

My partner is not ready for marriage......

Good Day
 
I am despratly need your advice regarding my relationship. about 8 months ago i met a guy in the office which i work. After he asked for date almost everyday we went out with each other.Then after about 4 months he told me that he wanted to marry me and wanted to introduce me to his family.From then his mother objection has been started. Actualy she belives that her son should marry to a girl whom she choses for him not the one he wants(meanwhile he is 29 years old). Any way he struggled with his family for 4 month continually.as his family live in another city for new year he went to visit his family.After he came back he told me that he hesitated about our marriage as he was not sure that we will have happy marriage life in future regarding his family atitute. I told him that u can be alone for a while and think if you want to be in this relationship or not. After 10 days he came back and told me hat he loved me so much ad he can't live alone.we were toghether agian for about a moth till i foun out he was not the same guy which i've met. Again all his childhood dream(which is living alone and just study) came back to him.I tried with all my strenghth to save this relationship but again he asked that it would be better he leaves alone for a moth to think about continuing or spliting up.
 
now i really request to guide me what i should do.Is he reliable or i should break up with him as he cant makes up his mind.
 
Nafiseh
 
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May 21, 2008, 8:15 am PDT

yo-yo

Quote From: nafise

Good Day
 
I am despratly need your advice regarding my relationship. about 8 months ago i met a guy in the office which i work. After he asked for date almost everyday we went out with each other.Then after about 4 months he told me that he wanted to marry me and wanted to introduce me to his family.From then his mother objection has been started. Actualy she belives that her son should marry to a girl whom she choses for him not the one he wants(meanwhile he is 29 years old). Any way he struggled with his family for 4 month continually.as his family live in another city for new year he went to visit his family.After he came back he told me that he hesitated about our marriage as he was not sure that we will have happy marriage life in future regarding his family atitute. I told him that u can be alone for a while and think if you want to be in this relationship or not. After 10 days he came back and told me hat he loved me so much ad he can't live alone.we were toghether agian for about a moth till i foun out he was not the same guy which i've met. Again all his childhood dream(which is living alone and just study) came back to him.I tried with all my strenghth to save this relationship but again he asked that it would be better he leaves alone for a moth to think about continuing or spliting up.
 
now i really request to guide me what i should do.Is he reliable or i should break up with him as he cant makes up his mind.
 
Nafiseh
It all depends on how long are you willing to wait around for him to decide what he wants? And, you’ve also got to take into consideration that he might decide what he wants, but then he will change his mind again. Don’t make this about HIM, make it about you and what YOU want in life. Do you want to wait around, to be a human, emotional “yo-yo” in this relationship? 
 
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June 3, 2008, 9:25 am PDT

HELP ME!

ME AND MY B/F ARE 3 MONTHS AWAY FROM BEING TOGETHER 3 YEARS.  WE MOVED IN TOGETHER AFTER A YEAR AND A HALF. THINGS ARE GREAT.  IM WORRIED IF HE DOESNT PROPOSE B4 OUR 3 YEAR MARK I WILL NO LONGER BE WILLING TO WAIT.  I LOVE HIM TO DEATH BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A LONG TERM COMMITED RELATIONSHIP.  IM 23 RIGHT NOW AND HE IS 27.  IVE BROUGHT UP THIS TOPIC ALOT!! AND HE ALWAYS SAY THAT HE WANTS THINGS TO BE PERFECT. NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT.  ON THE SAME NOTE HE HAS ALSO TOLD ME THAT HE WANTS TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH ME.  HE ALSO TOLD ME THAT HE WOULD NOT HAVE MOVED IN WITH ME IF HE DIDNT PLAN ON MARRYING ME.  SO SHOULD I KEEP WAITING ON SOMETHING THAT MAY NEVER HAPPEN.? OR JUST KEEP WAITING?  I FEEL LIKE AFTER A YEAR YOU SHOULD KNOW IF YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEBODY.  ESPECIALLY IF YOU SPEND TIME WITH THEM EVERYDAY.  PLEASE HELP ME MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.   
 
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June 3, 2008, 5:53 pm PDT

At 23, you've got some time...

Quote From: jigsgal

ME AND MY B/F ARE 3 MONTHS AWAY FROM BEING TOGETHER 3 YEARS.  WE MOVED IN TOGETHER AFTER A YEAR AND A HALF. THINGS ARE GREAT.  IM WORRIED IF HE DOESNT PROPOSE B4 OUR 3 YEAR MARK I WILL NO LONGER BE WILLING TO WAIT.  I LOVE HIM TO DEATH BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A LONG TERM COMMITED RELATIONSHIP.  IM 23 RIGHT NOW AND HE IS 27.  IVE BROUGHT UP THIS TOPIC ALOT!! AND HE ALWAYS SAY THAT HE WANTS THINGS TO BE PERFECT. NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT.  ON THE SAME NOTE HE HAS ALSO TOLD ME THAT HE WANTS TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH ME.  HE ALSO TOLD ME THAT HE WOULD NOT HAVE MOVED IN WITH ME IF HE DIDNT PLAN ON MARRYING ME.  SO SHOULD I KEEP WAITING ON SOMETHING THAT MAY NEVER HAPPEN.? OR JUST KEEP WAITING?  I FEEL LIKE AFTER A YEAR YOU SHOULD KNOW IF YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEBODY.  ESPECIALLY IF YOU SPEND TIME WITH THEM EVERYDAY.  PLEASE HELP ME MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.   

I think you need to ask your boyfriend what needs to change in his life or your relationship with him in order for it to be "perfect". If it is a reasonable goal then you both needs to work towards that in an allotted amount of time.  If his reasons are unreasonable then you need to express your feelings and work towards setting reasonable goals that can be obtained by the both of you.

I realize that you are in panic mode but if this is a good relationship don't ruin it by making ultimatiums that you can't keep or don't want to keep.  Instead find a mutual ground and set some goals and some timelines.   If you were 30 I think I may have answered your reply differently but at 23 years old you've got a whole lot of time on your side to weigh your options and feels him out for quite some time.

If you are adamant on getting engaged in 3 months and give him the ultimatium - put a ring on my finger or I'm leaving - are you willing to follow through with that threat or lose the man that you love?

 

I can't tell you what to do - only you can make this important decision but I really think you need to have a heart to heart discussion with him and explain your fears to him and what's going on inside your head.

Good luck

 
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June 12, 2008, 10:52 am PDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: sandy0914

I think you need to ask your boyfriend what needs to change in his life or your relationship with him in order for it to be "perfect". If it is a reasonable goal then you both needs to work towards that in an allotted amount of time.  If his reasons are unreasonable then you need to express your feelings and work towards setting reasonable goals that can be obtained by the both of you.

I realize that you are in panic mode but if this is a good relationship don't ruin it by making ultimatiums that you can't keep or don't want to keep.  Instead find a mutual ground and set some goals and some timelines.   If you were 30 I think I may have answered your reply differently but at 23 years old you've got a whole lot of time on your side to weigh your options and feels him out for quite some time.

If you are adamant on getting engaged in 3 months and give him the ultimatium - put a ring on my finger or I'm leaving - are you willing to follow through with that threat or lose the man that you love?

 

I can't tell you what to do - only you can make this important decision but I really think you need to have a heart to heart discussion with him and explain your fears to him and what's going on inside your head.

Good luck

Thanks alot! I will definetly have a talk with him because he is too good of a man for me to just give up!
 
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June 12, 2008, 10:26 pm PDT

Confused??

Me and my boyfriend has been together for about 3 years. when we met we both were in a relationship but not happy with the partners we had. we got together and have been together ever since. we were very happy and everything was going good i thought then opps! i found out he was lying to me about things like where he worked he lied to me . I suspected he was seeing someone else he denied this to the end he then came home with some pics that he destroyed and said they were nothing. well i forgave him things got better but after lying to me about several things its hard to trust him. today we are back on a rocky relationship again but what makes it harder now is we have a baby together. we argue about stupid stuff and he blames it all on me and he has said on several occasions he dosent love me then he turns around and says well i do love you, then sometimes he will say he dosent think will last then he will turn around and say we will. He is confusing me I dont know what to believe anymore I feel like he is just waiting for the right moment to leave like when he finds someone else. Then I think maybe Iam just over reacting Iam so confused WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT SHOULD I THINK? PLEASE HELP
 
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June 15, 2008, 5:58 am PDT

No, you're not over reacting

Quote From: sasha211

Me and my boyfriend has been together for about 3 years. when we met we both were in a relationship but not happy with the partners we had. we got together and have been together ever since. we were very happy and everything was going good i thought then opps! i found out he was lying to me about things like where he worked he lied to me . I suspected he was seeing someone else he denied this to the end he then came home with some pics that he destroyed and said they were nothing. well i forgave him things got better but after lying to me about several things its hard to trust him. today we are back on a rocky relationship again but what makes it harder now is we have a baby together. we argue about stupid stuff and he blames it all on me and he has said on several occasions he dosent love me then he turns around and says well i do love you, then sometimes he will say he dosent think will last then he will turn around and say we will. He is confusing me I dont know what to believe anymore I feel like he is just waiting for the right moment to leave like when he finds someone else. Then I think maybe Iam just over reacting Iam so confused WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT SHOULD I THINK? PLEASE HELP

So this guy has you an an emotional roller coaster ride from hell and you're wondering when it's time to jump off?  I'd say the time is now.  Trust has to be the foundation for any relationship to survive.  Trust has to be earned over a long period of time and once it is broken many find it hard to regain as their partners still exhibit signs of being untrustworthy.  He is playing emotional head games with you, he loves you and then he doesn't, this relationship will last and then it won't - an you wonder why you are confused.  How can you trust him and feel safe and secure in this relationship when his actions and words are so hurtful?

People lie when they are hiding something that they know their partner would not approve of.

Because you have a baby now it really is time to make a decision regarding this guy.  Is this the type of relationship you want your child to be in the middle of?  Do you want your child to hear those hateful words that he says to you ?  You need to be a role model for your child starting now.  If mom is being disrespected and treated unkindly then mom needs to show her child that this is not normal and teach your child that staying in a bad relationship is no way to live. 

 
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June 20, 2008, 4:09 pm PDT

I'm ready but he is still married!

K I  met my dear boyfreind online. I  was seperated at the time. He was still married. He loved in a different town and I  talked to him and listened to him every night ther where nights where he would sing me to sleep over the phone. Well he has moved up to my town and we have a 8 month old boy together. He is a father to my daughter and I  homeschooled one of his boys last year. We are a family.. But I want to be his wife. I have sense divorced the abusive guy I was with and now I want ot be a wife and mother to our kids. how can I  get him to start the divorce procedings? I Know that it costs like 150 here to go through the courts and I know that we are strapped for cash. (  we suport his wife and her boyfriend also. ) I  am so ready. I know that he loves me and that he wants to be a family but I think he is scared that she is going to put up a fight about stuff. He left everything to her. ( but the kids one is 18 and one is 13.) We ussually have the younger of the kids and the older wants to live in his own town. She doesnt want to be divorced agian. this would be her second and I  want to be married. Help
 
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