Topic : Ready for Marriage?

HEY I'M 20YEARS OLD AND EXPECTING MY FIRST CHILD LATE OCTOBER...I'M VERY EXCITED AND IT WAS A PLANNED PREGNANCY BETWEEN ME AND MY BOYFRIEND..WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST A YEAR AND TALKS ABOUT MARRIAGE...WE HAVE HAD OUR SHARE OF UPS AND DOWNS BUT I LOVE HIM DEARLY...I ACCEPT HIS FLAWS AND ALL.WE STILL HAVE ALOT TO WORK ON BUT WE ARE HAPPY. DO YOU THINK MARRIAGE IS A GOOD IDEA??????

Marriage is truly a lot of hard work.  My suggestion would be to work on those issues that you are referring to until they are solved before even considering marriage.  There are so many things couples need to consider before walking down that aisle.  Lets face it most couples fight over money issues.  You should both have a minimum of 6 months worth of living expenses put into a "slush fund" saved and only to be used for financial hardships in the future.  One of both of you should have a decent career established with health benefits as well.  You should not start a marriage in debt - start paying off all bills or get a plan in place. 

I've been married for 12 years and too have had good times and bad times.  You have to be truly committed to eachother and be willing to work out issues, communicate, negotiate, share responsibilities, define what eachothers role in the marriage is expected etc.  You have to have the same morals and values as well and have the same goals and dreams.  Most young people will say that love is enough but the divorce rate in this country proves that it is not.  Its work, every single day and some days those flaws that you speak of can get quite annoying years from now! 

So to answer your question, I honestly think 20 is entirely too young.  Your sutuation is a bit different since you have a planned child on the way already  and that in itself kinda makes me think that both of you have some growing up to do.  Sorry-

I totally understand what you are talking about, I feel the same way.  And because of this, we analyze over and over the quality of our own relationships in fear we are making a snap decision.

Hi, I'm new to the message boards.. I am 22 years old and I'm engaged . My fiance is 26 years old.I lived with him over college break this past summer and things were an "adjustment" as far as living styles go but all in all I think me and him are a perfect match...EXCEPT for the fact that I have an extreme jealousy issue. I have never been secure about myself. I was constantly picked on so bad in middle school that insurance actually covered  my cosmetic surgery. That being said, I'm not really what i consider ugly at all. I was a senior class beauty at my high school and everything. But i constantly look at other women and find so many things about them that I wish I could have. So i guess that is the root of my jealousy. Me and my fiance have almost called off the wedding because of an argument over a bachelor party. I just cant fathom the thought of a stripper dancing on him the night before he gets married. Just because its a strip club doesnt make it any more right than if it were a regular girl that he knows. Also, we have had HUGE fights over porn magazines that i found. I just stared at every page wondering what it is that makes him want them instead of me. Its not like I dont give him sex. I usually want it more than he does. So thats not the issue. I didnt find them until after I moved out and went back to school. So obviously in my mind he is hiding them. I dont look at other guys and scope them out and wish I could be with them in a sexual manner. Just because he is a guy doesnt make it right. He should not want to look at those pictures. It makes me feel insignificant and want to get even more cosmetic surgery.  He has never cheated on me that I know of but I cant help but think that lusting after someone else is just as bad. I was in a four year relationship prior to this that ended because of my jealousy issues. I really love my fiance and it would destroy me if we broke up because of my jealousy. So what is it that I can do to control my jealousy over him lusting after celebrities, looking at magazines, exc...

Your insecurities about yourself will ultimately ruin this relationship.  There is no amount of cosmetic surgery that will make you feel good about you on the inside..  Sounds like a bit of therapy is what you need to get over the trauma that you sufferred as a child. 

This is your problem and you need to fix it. 

 

There will always be women who are prettier than you, thinner than you, have better hair and the list goes on and on.  Hell even Pamela Anderson admits to having numerous flaws which bother her! 

Your fiancee asked you to marry him because he loves you, flaws and all.  He loves you not only for how you look on the outside but for who you are on the inside, problem is is that you don't love you.  Don't make your problem his problem, seek therapy to work on your self esteem.

 

Regarding the porn - most guys look at porn whether it be in front of their partners or behind their backs.  This has always been a hot topic on these boards and we all have our opinions about it.  My husband reads the magazines and watches it occassionally and I couldn't care less as  I am secure enough with myself and in my relationship with him.  It is never done on family time and it is not excessive.  I don't care for it at all but to each his own.  This is something you must talk to him about and tell him why you do not like him reading however try to keep an open mind.  You can't ask him to stop watching TV because the women on the show are prettier than you!  

You also seem to not trust him ie. bachelor party - another controversial issue.  If he's never given you a reason to not trust him let his have his one day.  Tell him to have a good time and you'll be waiting for him when he gets home.  Have a girls night out -  I know my views may seem a little laxed but I'm his wife and not his mother and I have no intention on telling him what he can and can not do.  I expect him to use proper judgement and would not have married him had I not trusted him to begin with.  Your thoughts?

Thanks for replying.

 

So when you say (regarding the bachelor party) I should let him have his one day...do you mean I should expect him to go out and do wrong for one day because he has never cheated or given me a reason to suspect before. It's not that I don't trust him, I don't trust his friends. The best man to be has openly admitted to paying strippers for sex and when my man gets drunk I don't want him to be cohersed into something. I do believe that people make mistakes they can't necessarily control when they have alcohol in their systemes. HOWEVER, I belive that you shouldn't put yourself in a sticky situation to begin with (i.e. if you are going to drink all night long at your bachelor party you shouldnt be going to a strip club where u could potentially use bad judgement)

 

Having a girls night out seems like a good idea if he is going to have a bachelor party...but I have lived alone since my freshmen year in college and I literally have no girls that I hang out with. My only friends are guys and that wouldnt look good for a bachelorette party.

 

I admire you for being able to overlook when your husband looks at porn but if you are right there then it really amazes me how the thought of him wishing that you look like the women in those pictures doesnt cross your mind. A guy wouldnt look at ugly porn...right?? He only looks at porn that he lusts after and secretly wishes he could be, otherwise he wouldnt look at it at all. I can honestly say without a doubt that I do not look at other guys and lust after them or check them out in any way. For some reason I've never been one of the girls who say " wow, he's cute" exc...

 

Regarding the cosmetic surgery...I know that some ppl get addicted but I really do believe that if I could just get my nose and boobs fixed that I would idealistic in my mind and then ultimately look like the girls that he wishes he could be with. I know that sounds bizarre but thats my rationality with it.

I agree (with the other poster) that your boyfriend should have a bachelor party if that is what he wants- but he should WANT to talk to you about it beforehand, and to attempt to put your mind at ease regarding the events that will take place. From what you describe, there is probably nothing that he can say or do that will actually “put your mind at ease,” since you admit that you are jealous of strippers he might encounter. (But, he should still try!) Then, it is up to you. It is all in your hands to decide if you can accept the promises he makes to you to be faithful. If this party will make him happy, just remember that he will be coming home to you a happy man.
A committed relationship will have many compromises and this is a situation that you have to compromise with him over. Of course it is understandable that you worry he will cheat; but if he is the stand-up kind of man that you believe he is, then he isn’t going to do that. No amount of alcohol can make a man cheat unless he has that intention in the first place.

ok my husband and i got married on june 28, 2008. and we have been fighting ever since. before we got married life was perfect. we never had problems and didn't fight. but after the marriage everything changed. he has become controling and kind of an jerk. he doesn't want me to go with my friends or have fun without him there. and if i do go out he has to know where i am going, who i am with, and when i'll be home. he always throws this little "feel sorry for me" fits. he acts like a 5 yr old. i reall don't feel the same about him anymore and i am thinking about ending the marriage. but he wants to work it out. we both desided that we got married to young b/c i am almost 21 and he almost 20, but we don't want to devorce. i just don't know what to do anymore. im not sure if i love him anymore. he is just to different. so should i wait and try to work it out? or should i just run while i can? what should i do?

You don’t say how long were you together before you got married?
Be honest with yourself: did this behavior really just begin after June 28th? Before you got married, you probably saw ‘red flags’ but you convinced yourself to make excuses for his actions/words/behavior. Because you are both very young, insecurity is an issue between the two of you. Before you leave the marriage, I urge you to seek professional guidance to try to improve your relationship. Even it you still end up getting a divorce, a professional will be able to guide you towards what steps you can take to create a stronger sense of security within yourself. You deserve that. You also deserve to be happy; so don’t live another day playing these games back and forth - one of you has to make the decision to create positive change, and I urge you to do it. When he has his fits like a five year old, do not respond in the way that you normally would. He acts that way because it gets him what he wants; he gets the reactions that he wants/needs- you’ve got to no longer give that to him.

My 20 year old daughter has just announced that her and her boyfriend are going to be engaged.

My issues are:

1 - She has not received a ring as of yet, which she thinks she should help pay for!! I don't agree with this, if he wants to get married then he needs to pay for the ring. Old fashioned thinking, I don't know.

2 - After telling my niece, her friend later mentions she thought that he was gay. This concerns me because I don't want my daughter to be hurt. I have noticed that he is perhaps what might be considered "soft" some of his actions are feminine. We live in a very small city that is religious and there are no openingly gay men living here. His religion doesn't accept "gayness" at all. Is he marrying to discourage his true sexual feelings. They are practicing chasity or does he just not interest in having sex with a female? He has slept over on several occassions and  intercourse has not taking place, though I don't know about touching. He is 23 how does he have that much self control to sleep with a female but not try anything. Help I don't know what to do??? I just don't want my daughter to be hurt.

 

Summerjan