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Topic : Ready for Marriage?

Number of Replies: 960
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:09:04 pm
Author : dataimport
Contemplating taking the plunge? Talk with others who are ready to make things permanent.

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October 11, 2005, 9:13 pm CDT

I know how you feel

Quote From: killdoze1

Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there.  I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou).  He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.).  I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.  

   

My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love."  I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales.  However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all.  On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely.  We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October).  I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together.  Do you see my dilemma?  All this back and forth is driving me crazy!  

   

What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way.  If so, how did the relationship turn out?  Was/is it successful?  I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships.  Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated.  I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help.  Thanks very much to anyone who replies!!  

I'm not really great with the message board thing either, but I know what you are going through. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now, and we plan on getting married. I know deep down that I love him and could easily spend the rest of my life with him. I have no qualms about getting married and I don't have to talk myself into it. However, the one big problem is that I have divorced parents and so does he. This leads us to second guess everything in our relationship and take 6 years to be sure of it. I do think that sometimes if you are scared, or don't know anyone with a successful marriage, you can overanalyze your feelings and doubt your love. I think that the time we have taken to get to this point has been worth it, my thought is that if we are planning on spending the rest of our lives together, what is the rush to get married. I hope that this helped and I wish you the best of luck.
 
October 11, 2005, 9:19 pm CDT

What am I to do?

This board is ready for martriager. Well the situation I am facing regards my 17 year old daughter wanting to marruy a 34 year ol man!! I am at my wits end about this. She is the youngest of our 3 kids, her mom and I are diovorced (6 yrs) asnd she lives 500 miles away. This MAN has been living in their home for nearly 3 years. While I was aware my daughter had a boyfriend I was never told his age until it was accidentaly revealed to me last year, and at that time the ags I was given was given was not correct. Only 2 weeks ago diod I discover his true age of 34 and my ex's cavalier attitude toward that fact. My daughter is still slo young witrh very little experience in life. She needs to grow and mature and develop her own unique identity and experiences before making tyhis type of commitment. But hey I'm just dad and don't know anything. I am livid at the deception that I have put through. I striongly resent ever agreeing to let my ex move out of state as my presence would have had a greater impact. Do I have to accept this marruiage? It nauseates the crap out of me realizing a 30 year old man was having desires and affectionts toward a young teenager MY teenager and my ex was encouraging the whole thing. Does anybody have any thoughts? I've already written Dr. Phil in the hope he will choose us to be a topic on an upcomng show, yeyt I realize he gets swamped with ideas everyday and my problem may just be a drop in thebucket. So with the other topics on this board living together before wedding and such I want to add this How Young Is Too YOung For Marriage? Together with How do you tell a perv to get away from your kid when the other parent thikns it's just grand? Frustrated and angry? You bet I am. (sorry for all the typos for some reason I can't use my backspace to erase the,M)
 
October 17, 2005, 11:46 pm CDT

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: faith2718

 me and my boyfriends have been together for over a year now, were engaged and gettin married after the first of the year. I have one problem though. I dated this guy 2 yrs ago, some things happened in his life that at the time our relationship couldnt work. Here we are over 2 yrs later and the feelings for each other are still there. Hes married now with a baby due anyday and im bout to be married, yet we feel like we are stuck in the same boat. Were as if either of us makes a move the boat will tip over.  I love my boyfriend now, my ex loves his wife but we still want to be with each other. I'm confusses and stressed..we are both closer in age yet with people way younger then us. What do i do??
 The question you need to ask yourself is not whether or not you still have feelings for the guy.  Often, old feelings never fully go away and are easily stirred to full capacity when you fan the flame.  You need to ask yourself what it might do to your future husband or this guy's wife.  Am I suggesting that you are talking about having an affair?  No.  But I do know that having an ex in the picture can SEVERELY complicate trust. 

Do you love your fiance?  Of course, you said so in your post - but have you earned his trust?  Would you do anything to jeopardize this trust?  Isn't the life with your husband far more precious than a relationship that has the potential to harm?  Sure, you'll always wonder what may have been . . . I could ask myself, "what might have life been like if I'd married a supermodel?" 

That's all beside the point though.  You need to be honest with your fiance about your feelings, and earn the trust that he so desperately wants to give you.  Often, it takes a choice that goes contrary to our feelings to set us on the right path - but once you're on the right path, things begin to improve.  It may be painful to give up what you had, but I guarantee that the relationship you will build with your husband will be based in something far stronger than emotion - trust and love.
 
October 19, 2005, 2:11 pm CDT

is this stupid

So i 21 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half and  living together after 2 months .everything is great except i cant seem to get over the fact that he was married. 

he has nothing to do with her now , but when he talks about us getting married i think it is funny only because he has already planned to spend the rest of his life with someone else i know all of this is silly but i cant get over it, i love him this the only thing keeping me from saying yes. 

thank-you  

 
October 19, 2005, 6:43 pm CDT

Not Necessarily

Quote From: galatea

My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. We have been together for over a year and have lived together going on 4 months. We know we are ment to be together we have been glued at the hip since we first started dating. However, I do have a concern. I recently found out my boyfriend witnessed abuse. Is it true that if a child was abused or witnessed abuse he will grow up and be an abuser. I have always thought they end up just like the abuser. But, does it mean that every abused child will grow up like their abuser? My boyfriend's father abused his mother physically, and emotionally and sexually. My boyfriend didn't tell me this though, his mother did, and when I asked my boyfriend to talk about it with me he got extremely upset and said when he is ready he will tell me, but he siad he won't be ready for a very long time. I'm a strong woman and I wouldn't stay with a man that abuses me no matter what form it is in. My boyfriend has never been abusive to me. We have gotten into some huge arguements but he has never raised his hand to me, and never sexually abused me. As far as emotional abuse, he has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. When we have had our arguments in the past he does get right up in my face. I love my boyfriend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. However, I'm now afraid that he will end up being like his father. Will he be? what do you think? I don't want to get married and then find out he is abusive. He won't talk to me about it at all but he has insured me that if he ever became abusive he would leave me cause he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Am I looking too much into this? I want to tell my boyfriend everything his mother told me but his mother has also binded me to secrecy and I know he will go back to his mother if I tell him. I can't stop thinking about this, and what I should do. I decided to just wait it out and see if he will ever tell me about his childhood.

When I read your story it made me think of the horror stories my mother had told me. I am only 24 but come from a very colourful history. My mum being the oldest of 9 kids grew up with a very abusive father, not only did he abuse my nan but also my mum and her siblings, emotionally, physically and sexually. Did they all end up the abuser? No, not all, but one of my uncles learning from him did sexually molest me when I was about 9. My mum on the other hand was the absolute opposite of what she grew up with. Never did she lay a hand on me or was abusive to me at all, some of my other uncles have never abused their kids or wives. It's not as cut and dry as saying yes or no, really the decision to be an abuser is the persons. As for whether or not you should trust your boyfriend, well only you can decide on that one. You have this information, use it to keep an eye out for any signs but don't be paranoid with it. It's not easy opening up and talking about any type of abuse, witnessing or otherwise. He knows your concerns and hopefully in time he will open up about it understanding that it is important to him moving on and also important to your relationship going forward. I do believe that he is probably just trying to bury what he remembers, I can guarantee you that those memories are something that probably haunt him and are hard for him to deal with. Be patient, if you love him which I believe you do, then just be patient but don't forget yourself in this either and what's important to you to know and be sure of. Remember this is something that will be a part of him and who he is forever. 

And as for telling him what his mother told you, I would say best not to do that. From my own personal experience I know that if you aren't ready to talk about it, you aren't ready to talk about it, no matter how hard someone pushes the issue. I didn't remember my abuse until I was about 15, it took me until I was 19 to finally deal with it and tell my family and friends about it so I could deal with it. I had to be ready to do that, just as he will have to be. Again, patience is important. Good Luck and I hope you guys go forward and have a great and wonderful loving life together!  

 
October 20, 2005, 9:37 am CDT

I don't know what to say to him

My husbands best friends are my best fiends they are great guys. They are brothers one is single one has been in a relationship for over 10 years. He is very worried about his relationship with his girlfriend, she went away to visit her sister for a week and when she came back she had lots of questions for him. Where do you see yourself in 3 years? My parents want to know what are your intentions. Would you be responsible with money? Her parents don't want her to live with him before marriage. He is 28 and he said he would like to be married before he turns 30. Her parents and her would like him to start going to church he said he would like to but for her not for her mom and dad. Now the problem is they both still live at home with there parents, I think her parents are pressuring  to either move on or start thinking about plans for marriage but they want him to join there church. Growing up he didn't go to church very much, but he is willing to go for her. He said he didn't want to tell her that because she is trying to decide if she wants to move on without him or stay with him. He was willing to buy her a ring but she said she would say no right now  because he would be doing it since she is bringing everything up now. Same thing with the church issue he is willing but he doesn't want to say anything because she would think it was because she brought it up. She also said they never do anything different. I told him they are in a rut. Take her someplace new. he does and she just gets mad and says he is just doing it because of everything.  He doesn't know what to say or do to him it's just a waiting game he loves her and doesn't want her to brake up with him. We talked for hours about it and I just listened I was at a loss for words. I don't know what to say. She also asked him if he wondered what it would be like to be with someone else, he said sometimes but he would never want to be with anyone else. When he asks to talk about everything she gets mad at him. He wants to know if he should sit and wait for her to make up her mind or should he tell her to call him when she makes up her mind. What do you think of this?
 
October 21, 2005, 12:40 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: chantalh

When I read your story it made me think of the horror stories my mother had told me. I am only 24 but come from a very colourful history. My mum being the oldest of 9 kids grew up with a very abusive father, not only did he abuse my nan but also my mum and her siblings, emotionally, physically and sexually. Did they all end up the abuser? No, not all, but one of my uncles learning from him did sexually molest me when I was about 9. My mum on the other hand was the absolute opposite of what she grew up with. Never did she lay a hand on me or was abusive to me at all, some of my other uncles have never abused their kids or wives. It's not as cut and dry as saying yes or no, really the decision to be an abuser is the persons. As for whether or not you should trust your boyfriend, well only you can decide on that one. You have this information, use it to keep an eye out for any signs but don't be paranoid with it. It's not easy opening up and talking about any type of abuse, witnessing or otherwise. He knows your concerns and hopefully in time he will open up about it understanding that it is important to him moving on and also important to your relationship going forward. I do believe that he is probably just trying to bury what he remembers, I can guarantee you that those memories are something that probably haunt him and are hard for him to deal with. Be patient, if you love him which I believe you do, then just be patient but don't forget yourself in this either and what's important to you to know and be sure of. Remember this is something that will be a part of him and who he is forever. 

And as for telling him what his mother told you, I would say best not to do that. From my own personal experience I know that if you aren't ready to talk about it, you aren't ready to talk about it, no matter how hard someone pushes the issue. I didn't remember my abuse until I was about 15, it took me until I was 19 to finally deal with it and tell my family and friends about it so I could deal with it. I had to be ready to do that, just as he will have to be. Again, patience is important. Good Luck and I hope you guys go forward and have a great and wonderful loving life together!  

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. You're right, it is up to the person on whether or not they end up like the abuser. That is why I believe my boyfriend won't be like his father. I have tried talking about it with my boyfriend and I just reassured him when he is ready that I will be here to listen. You're right, I have signs to watch for now and I know if anything does come up in the future I'll be able to understand and deal with the situation. Thank you for helping me and sharing a bit of your story as well.
 
October 22, 2005, 6:16 pm CDT

Why wont he give me a commitment

        Hi! Okay so this is my situation and any help would be greatly appreciated --- My boyfriedn and i are both 27 and we have been toghether for 7 months. he tells me all the time how he sees me as his wife and how i am the one. however, when i asked him about our future and where he sees things going about marriage he tells me he doesnt know and it could be 1 year or 2 or 3 -- maybe by hes 30! I told him i do not want to know an exact date but something to show that he is serious and the relationship is going somewhere. he tells me he is not ready -- -not jsut with me but with anyone. i find it hard to believe that our age u would wait 3 or 4 years. if u know i am the right one then what is the problem. he says its money but i tell him no one is ever 100 percent "secure" i have told him that i think he has doubts aobut me being the one and that is fine. maybe we should date other people. he inisists that i am the one and he will marry me but he has commitment fears and he doesnt know when they will stop, maybe after dating for 2 years maybe not. my dilemia is that i do not want to waste my tiem being with a guy who says one thing but yet on the other has no plan and says he is afriad to commit but wants to get married. i think he doesnt want to marry me. am i right?? i want to get married and start a family with the right guy and i thought it was him but now i am having my doubts as well.  i dont want to invest all this time in a relationship that may not end in marriage b/c he may never be ready. i suggested seeing other people -- although neither of us wants to -- what should i do??
 
October 23, 2005, 7:32 am CDT

ready for marriage

Quote From: 2ndthought

        Hi! Okay so this is my situation and any help would be greatly appreciated --- My boyfriedn and i are both 27 and we have been toghether for 7 months. he tells me all the time how he sees me as his wife and how i am the one. however, when i asked him about our future and where he sees things going about marriage he tells me he doesnt know and it could be 1 year or 2 or 3 -- maybe by hes 30! I told him i do not want to know an exact date but something to show that he is serious and the relationship is going somewhere. he tells me he is not ready -- -not jsut with me but with anyone. i find it hard to believe that our age u would wait 3 or 4 years. if u know i am the right one then what is the problem. he says its money but i tell him no one is ever 100 percent "secure" i have told him that i think he has doubts aobut me being the one and that is fine. maybe we should date other people. he inisists that i am the one and he will marry me but he has commitment fears and he doesnt know when they will stop, maybe after dating for 2 years maybe not. my dilemia is that i do not want to waste my tiem being with a guy who says one thing but yet on the other has no plan and says he is afriad to commit but wants to get married. i think he doesnt want to marry me. am i right?? i want to get married and start a family with the right guy and i thought it was him but now i am having my doubts as well.  i dont want to invest all this time in a relationship that may not end in marriage b/c he may never be ready. i suggested seeing other people -- although neither of us wants to -- what should i do??

hi 

i have been with my b/f for almost 3 yrs  

we do not live together but see talk every day on the phone and email during the week  

we see each other every weekend  

either i am going out to his place or he comes to see me and my son  

he says this is our year so i am hoping that he asks me to marry him  

you have only been with your b/f for 7 mths  

give it time  

at least a year  

do you have kids or he? 

i think we are in the same boat  

let me know what you think  

  

  

 
October 23, 2005, 7:53 am CDT

why wont he give me a commitmetnt

Quote From: jennife72

hi 

i have been with my b/f for almost 3 yrs  

we do not live together but see talk every day on the phone and email during the week  

we see each other every weekend  

either i am going out to his place or he comes to see me and my son  

he says this is our year so i am hoping that he asks me to marry him  

you have only been with your b/f for 7 mths  

give it time  

at least a year  

do you have kids or he? 

i think we are in the same boat  

let me know what you think  

  

  

    thanks for replying. the problem is that i dont think u and i are in the same boat b/c ur boyf is telling where he sees a future. mine cant. we dont have any kids. he tells me he has committment issues and doesnt want to feel trapped --- what guy who truly loves their gf would view marriage as being trapped?????????????? I know its only been 7 months but the bottom line is that he has told me all this stuff aoubt how he thinks i ma the one and wants me ot his wife etc etc but told me he just doesnt know when -- i told him he may never be ready if he has fears of being trapped.
 
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