Let me start by stating my problem right up front. Then you can decide if you are willing to invest the time to read my background story. I have recently come to the realization that I believe I am a sex addict. I know that is a condition that many are very skeptical about. In fact, sexual addiction is not yet an accepted diagnosis by the American Psychiatric Association, but there are many who have done studies who feel it most definitely should be. I feel that my addiction was accelerated to the point of being out of control by my involvement in the internet. This is my story;
I don't feel I'm going to win any friends or receive a great deal of sympathy for my situation. In July of 2005, after 30 years of marriage, I began to explore the internet searching for some sort of sexual and/or emotional connection. I'd been unhappy in every aspect of my life for years and our sexual life had vanished. I'd simply given up asking because I got tired of being turned down. I am in no way blaming my wife (now ex-wife) for our problems. There were multiple factors that lead to that point. But I just wanted to provide a little background to my situation.
I was not one of those guys who historically surfed the web for porn or visited chat rooms. I was a sexual virgin when it came to the internet. In my searches I began to discover some internet sites that catered to people who were basically looking to cheat on their partners or spouses. I discovered online chatting about sexual situations. I began to communicate w/ women unhappy in their relationships and looking not only for a sexual connection, but also an emotional connection. I was drawn deeper and deeper into this cyber world of sex and good feelings. Once I discovered this world I was really drawn to it and surfed the net and had sexual chats w/ women as often as I could. I had no face to face meetings however.
Now, I fast forward to around November of 2005. Another thing I was struggling with after 30 years in an unhappy relationship was the question of whether I would even be appealing to a woman any longer? By this point my exposure to this world of women who were seeking sexual relationships had certainly gotten me interested in taking my interest to the next level. But I had to ask myself, was I even considered attractive? Would a woman find me sexy? I had no idea. I had been so asexual for so long I could not guage how a woman would feel about me. I read an online article about a site where you could post your picture and women would vote on it. It was suggested that it was a great way to see what the opposite sex thought of you. So, I posted a pic and would check back occasionally to see what my results were. I discovered that this was also basically a dating site. If you saw a pic you liked you could contact the person and they could decide if they wanted to contact you back. It was a legitimate relationship site. Not the sexually oriented sites I'd been frequenting. On one of my visits to the site I saw a picture of a woman from Canada that caught my eye (I live in the NW United States.) She had a warm, beautiful smile and had a very unique, but beautiful face. I sent her a little message and had no idea if she would respond. She did and told me a little about herself and said she had divorced 10 yrs previously, had devoted herself to her children, and was now at a point where she was open to meeting her "Prince Charming." I decided I did not want to lead this woman on by being untruthful, so I wrote back, said I unfortunately could not be her Prince Charming because I was married, but perhaps we could still be friends. So, we stuck up an online friendship. We communicated via email back and forth and got to know one another and shared our feelings and stories about our lives. As we stayed in touch we grew closer and closer. By late January, having never met in person, we began to have mutual feelings for one another. Our contact continued and progressed to phone calls, live messenger chat and continued emails. We began to feel a very strong bond and spent hours online communicating with one another. In April of 2006 I met her in person for the first time. I basically arranged a business trip to Canada so I could meet her. We spent a few days togetehr at a mountain resort where I was doing some business. The feelings we had been feeling online continued in real life. We came away from the meeting with a connection I knew I was not going to be able to walk away from. By May of 2006 my wife knew something was going on. I was so distracted and lost in thought about this woman that I had just checked out. My wife confronted me and I told her the truth. I was in love with another woman. She was understandably hurt, upset and angry and asked me to leave that night. I left, lived in motels for a few weeks and finally got an apartment. I continued my contact with my new love in Canada and our feelings continued to grow stronger and stronger. But despite my feelings for this new person in my life, I found that when I was alone in this depressing apartment I would have very strong sexual feelings. I thought of it as feeling "sexually charged." When I'd get into these sexual zones I'd find myself drawn back to those sexual online experiences of seeking out women to have sexual conversations with. So, I continued to develop this real relationship, while still being drawn to this darker world of online sex. I now had my feet in these two different worlds. In one world I had met a woman who made me feel alive and happy and complete again. In this other cyber world I could explore sexual fantasies and seek a greater and greater sexual high. Over the months my online experiences progressed to webcam sexual encounters., mutual masturbation with a woman online while she watched me masturbate online. Eventually my online encounters led to my first in person encounter. I met a woman, we had some drinks and came back to my apartment and had sex. When we were done I just wanted her gone as quickly as possible. There was no emotional feelings. It was a purely sexual experience. I would get into this kind of behaviour for awhile, then I'd stop completely because my gf would become suspicious and sense something was wrong in my world. I'd stay away from the internet for awhile and then those feelings would hit me late in the eveing and I'd go back to the internet to seek out an encounter that would elevate my sexual feelings. I continued to lie to my new love about this secret life of mine. We'd see one another in person as often as we oculd, but it would be months between visits and my sexual appetite could not be satisfied with just the experiences we had together. I should say that my sexual life with my new girlfriend was amazing and completley safisfying. I was by no means seeking sex outside the relationship because anything was lacking. I think if we had been in the same location that my addictive behavior would not have progressed to the point it did. I believe the desire would still have been there in my mind, but I don't feel I would ahve acted on it.
So, these two lives continued side by side. My secret dark life of sex in my own world and our growing relationship in our long distance relationship. I fell more and more deeply in love with this woman and asked her to marry me. We were engaged and made plans for her to eventually come to America. She was staying in Canada to support her daughter while she was finishing college.
So, I was happy and in love and looking forward to a new life with this woman. But back in the isolation of my own world I was delving deeper and deeper into this secret sexual life. I had no friends, I had no outside interests or hobbies. I would come home from work, eat dinner, try to kill some time watching a movie or two, talk to my fiance as long as I could during the evening and then would often find myself drawn back into seeking these online experiences. In all, over a period of about 15 months I was with 10 different women for one night stands. I had no feelings for any of these woman, but did see two of them multiple times for sex. 16 sexual experiences outside my relationship in all. My later sexual experiences had progressed to me meeting up with swinger couples to be a "third." I always sought out situations where there would be no danger of any "attachment.." My cycle contiued of feeling guilty when my fiance would sense something going on in my world. Finally about two and a half weeks ago she sent me a very heartfelt email. She said she knew something was amiss in my world. She said she did not care if I had been with other women, she did not care if I was in love with another woman, she did not care if I'd been seeing my ex wife (we had divorced in May of 2006), she felt that if we were honest with one another that we could get thru anything. Having read this I felt I could no longer continue lying to the woman I loved. I truly believed we could get through anything because I really felt there was no real impact from what I had done. These women meant nothing to me. Why would it matter to our relationship if I was willing to stop this behavior? So, I confessed the basics of what had been going on to my fiance. She was shocked. Never in her wildest imagination could she have believed I was doing what i had been doing. It was not what she was expecting to hear. In the past two and a half weeks her emotions have been all over the scale. She has been supportive and promised to stick by my side, she has been hurt and angry and wanted nothing to do with me, and she has been hearsick. On Sunday she said she could not continue to communicate with me. She said she needed a break and no longer considered us a couple. She said she needed to get to a place where her emotions were not constantly changing minute by minute.
This is the first week of having no contact. It has been incredibly hard for me. There has not been a day we have not been in touch multiple times since around May of 2006 when I moved out. This woman is a huge part of my world and I love her deeply. Since the revelation I have researched sexual addiciton and feel I am an addict. I have been attending Sexual Addicts Anonymous and have begun seeing a counselor who deals in sexual addiction. I am finally seeing things clearly about myself. I am seeing what I had been denying all my life. Somehow behind the walls of this bubble I had created around myself in my secret world of lies and sex i fetl I was not harming anyone. I never let myself view the impact this would have on others in my life if they knew what I was doing. I never allowed myself to see it from their point of veiw. Now that I have lifted that veil I see how horrible and hurtful my life had become. Ironically, around February of this year that sexually charged feeling began to diminish until it had disapperared. I no longer had these desires and needs to act out. In doing some research I feel that my sexual drive was brought down to a normal level due to anti-depressants I started taking at the first of the year. I had accidently brought my sexual drive under control. I now acknowledge I have a problem. I now am seeking knowledge and treatment for my conditoin. I truly feel I am in control for the first time in my life.
My problem though is the damage I have done to the relationship with the woman I love. I want to somehow repair this damage and restore our relationship. I know it can never be the same as it was because we are both changed. But I truly feel I am changed for the better. I beleive I can now love her and devote myself to her in the way she deserves.
For now I'm trying to be patient and give her this break even though I know there is a very likely possibility she will never want to reconnect with me. I guess right now I am just seeking advice on how to restore the relationshp with this woman. I know she deserves better than me, but our relationship was real. The feelings I have for her were not impacted by what I did with these other women. There was nothing lacking that sent me in that direction. I just want her to know that I love her and will dedicate myself to being faithful to her for the remainder of my life. Any advice woud be appreciated on how I should proceed. How can I save my relationshp and begin to repair the damage I have done?
