Topic : Sex

Did you make a too big a deal of it? Well no not really. You feel the way you feel and since it is a big deal to you it can't be made a too big a deal. You did take it to far with the very big row, but I'm guessing you already knew that.

Now I'll try to explain your husbands behavior. You'll have to understand that porn is a visualization of a typical male fantasy. And that women have their form of porn as well in the form of those trashy novels where a damsel in distress gets rescued by a hansom rich man or something.

It being a fantasy it is usually about two handsome people in their prime of their life (I mean you never heard about a novel about a 50 year old hag with a husband who goes to work very early only to come home and sit in front of the TV, shouting "where's my dinner!")

When he is watching porn he is the handsome 20 year old stud who is good at all sports has the girls for the picking just as the women are the damsel in distress in their novels. It is a way of escaping everyday life and going to a place where you are everything you want to be.

Also understand that teen in daily life refers to a period of 10-19year old and maybe even only to 13-16 year olds. In porn this is more like 18-19-20 year old girls.

Do understand that porn is part of male culture (and more and more female culture as well) in a recent study in the Netherlands among 12-24 year old men and women over 80% had looked at porn at least once. It is among my age group seen as normal that Men look at porn and that women can look at porn. Girls know they don't have to compete with the girls in the video because that's not really what men want in daily life.

I do think that he should have owned up to his behavior but he might have been to afraid of your reaction and the consequences of him admitting watching porn.

I hope this helps you understand his behavior and maybe you want to sort things out with help from an independent third party like a (relationship) counselor

I have seen men react with anxiety if their woman is attracted to another guy that has more money, fame, looks. I have seen the same anxiety in women under the same circumstances. What separates men from women is their philosophy about sex.  Men think its ok to be with other women; women see that as cheating. Men have believed for so long that they have a right to do this, and women were taught to believe it is right to be faithful so when they say "its only porn; strippers; cybersex" to them, it is. Sex doesn't have the same meaning for men as it does for women. Of course, I am not clumping all men or women into this belief system......

Porn is cheating for you because you have been taught to believe to be faithful to your man so any outside attraction or sexual activity is seen as cheating; whereas a guy is taught to believe cheating is only when they no longer are interested in their lovers. Affairs to some men are normal; just like porn. They don't see it as cheating. They see it as a right. This is the way society has trained men because initially they were the ones with the money; therefore, contributing to the industry. Now women make as much, more money than a lot of men and women are starting to behave like the men ; IMO - not a very good approach to a future of harmony. But women have had to endure this with men, between the oggling, sexual harassments, pressures to appear a certain way to attract the eye.......and fell victim to being manipulated sexually to get what they want. Women no longer need a man to take care of her; buy her things, have sex. Women no longer need men financially so it puts them on the same playing field.

If you look around, you will see that men are scared of losing their manhood, power. The one sure way to ensure it in their heads is to be able to attract a young girl, or an attractive woman, etc. This feeds their ego. When they look at porn, go to strip clubs, visit hookers, they are only doing that because they are not good at relationships but want to feel manly without the expectations.  A man looking at porn is like a woman having 5 guys around her telling her how great she is!  :))))

As humans we need to constantly feed a need to feel alive. Porn does that for men; flirtinng does it for women. Can it hurt a relationship? Only if that relationship is already missing something. Other then that, flirting, porn use, etc. can be looked at as a temporary fix.......very temporary but somewhat satisfying. Nothing can tear up a relationship faster then not trying to understand we are all suffering and all want to be loved and accepted. I don't believe its the porn use that is bothering you as much as the fact that he has lied and doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about his sexual fantasies.

Think about it. How can porn hurt a marriage??????? When the person USING hurts us......the porn does not hurt us............the person does. Put things into perspective and you will see your fears of his porn use are rooted in your not trusting him to be honest with you......that..........is the problem. good luck.

I don't know you, and I am not a doctor, but it sounds like you may be a sex addict. There are many reasons for going to sex for comfort and excitement, but when it starts affecting your other relationships, family, it can be a problem that needs to be addressed.  When you cheat(ed) what it is that you are really looking for? Is it acceptance? Belonging? Excitement?

It sounds like you crave the attention? OK.  But I think you crave the feelings, euphoria, escapism, from who you are temporarily. Some people use drugs for that, some sex, some shopping, some , oh , you know....lol

I would look at going to sex addict meeting. I think they might be able to steer you in a direction that you understand what sex has meant to you all this time? What power do you feel.....was sex glamorized when you were a young? Was there some kind of confusion in the home regarding sex and relationships?  When we decide that the world owes us for something.........we look for it in material things, sexually promiscious things, depressions, anxieties, etc. When we are ready to be in the now reality, not live in some fantasy life, we can then find true happiness. good luck.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years this April.  We are expecting our first baby together at the end of February.  He has been my 3 year old's father since he was one.  Our relationship has been rocky for the majority of the time at best.  But here is my biggest dilemma: My grandfather passed away last Friday, I was blessed enough to be with him and my family as his struggle came to an end.  I felt it best to stay with my grandma for about a week, just to keep her company and to help out in any way that I could.  My boyfriend and i had been having some problems, and were not sure if we were staying together, but he understood that I needed to be there for my family.  I came home Saturday morning to get some of mine and my son's clothes since we would be staying about an hour away.  He was very lovey and cuddly with me while I was here, and called to check on me while I was away...all the time telling me how much he loved me.  He told me later that night over the phone that he had ran into a couple of old friends at the gas station and had given them his cell phone number.  I told him I thought it was great that he reconnected with people from his past.  Later that night he said that the two he met, who are female, came over to the house and stayed for about 5 minutes before leaving.  I asked why they didn't stay very long and he said that he didn't know, they must have been bored.

On Monday, he said that he would continue to keep trying to put our relationship back together until I told him that there was no hope.  I told him that morning on the phone that I just didn't think it was going to work between us as a couple, and that maybe we were better friends than lovers.  He called me that night crying saying that he loved me and just wanted the chance for our family to be together.  This is usually the pattern whenever I have tried to call things off in the past, and as usual, I always agree to give it one more try.

I had an OB appointment Tuesday afternoon, and drove an hour to pick him up from the house so that he could come with me, and an hour back to the doctor's office.  Everything was great on our drive.  We talked more and joked around, and it was just like our better version of normal.  While we were waiting in the exam room for the doctor to come in, one of us, and I'm not sure which, brought up the girl's that had come over to see him.  His story was different from the original that he had told me, and right off I knew that he was lying about what had happened.  I told him that he was lying about something, and that he might as well come clean.  He said that he wasn't lying, nothing had happened between him and either of the girls.  I asked him again if he had sex with either and he denied it.  I told him that I really needed to know, since we had had unprotected sex earlier that day if he had slept with either of them he could be putting mine and our babies life in jeopardy.  You guessed it, he had unprotected sex with one of the girls.  I was completely dumbfounded and didn't know what to say!  He said that he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me and that he was not proud of what he had done.  After listening to him beg and cry for the hour drive back home, I once again agreed to give our relationship another shot.  Now the more I think about it, the angrier I get.  At him for what he did and at myself for taking him back again.  He keeps saying that he didn't cheat because he wasn't sure that we were staying together.  I feel otherwise. 

I was also angry with the girl.  How could she not see all of my stuff around the house and not know that he was attached?  How could she have sex with a guy right next to our son's bed on the floor?  He told her that we were not together and that I had not yet completely moved out, and she believed him.  I want to be angry with her, but honestly it is not her fault.  Her only fault is being stupid enough to believe him.

So what do I do?  Do I stay once again and try to work things out?  Do I just say enough is enough?  I don't know how to get past this, or if I even can?  Was it really cheating, or am I just being silly thinking it was? Please help me, I don't know what else to do!!!

Hi. I am in a relationship with someone that i love dearly. we have been together for roughly 8years. and infedelity has played apart on both or our ends. the thing is. i have found it hard to trust them, but i want us to work it out. in that i have stepped outside and now have an emotional connection to this other person. i am not in love with the person that i am with i don't think anymore. as much as i want to be. then their hygiene is not what i would like to be which makes sex awkward. i know love is unconditional but this has been all throughout the whole 8 years. i have had sex with this other person though. and besides the fact that there is  no oral, the sex is great. and that is whats killing me. he other half is  not as sexually experienced. and that frustrates the hell out of me. sometimes you just want someone to touch you right. kiss you right. hold you right. caress you right. without you having to give them a play by play. so i stuck. and i know that if i want to make my relationship work then i have to let the other go. whick i do not mind. but i do not know how to make it better.