Topic : Sex

hi i was married for 15 years to a man that was obsessed with sex.  i met someone online at a dating service we started dating a few month ago.  He is really shy and I knew something wasn't right because he hadn't tried anything i can't even get a french kiss out of him.  so i asked him in conversation one nite why he hadn't made a move on me.  he said he was shy and didn't have alot of experience with women.  i asked him if he was a virgin and he is.  this is so new to me going from a man that had to have it everyday to one that has never had sex.  i just don't know what to do.  he knows i am divorced with 2 boys you know but i really like this guy alot i don't want to be to aggressive with him and scare him off.  he asked me if i would be surpised if he was and i told him yes and no.  i mean he is 36 and a virgin i would think he would have has some experience in that part of his life.   i am afraid if i am to forward with him i will scare him away.  you know the only man i was with was my ex so its not like i have been around the block. 

any ideas on what to do?  i feel so stupid asking for advice on this but i could really fall for this guy and i know sex is not the most important thing but it has been along time. 

thanks 

A 

hello 

I could use some more guidance here.  I'm 37; single parent (1) child, age eleven.  I've been single for ten yrs (no complaints).  My child has a wonderful father, we just couldn't make it.  I'm a recent college graduate & work full time.  Everything I've wanted to accomplish in the last  2 1/2 yrs I have & very proud of this.  I've dated on and off nothing serious; however there is this one individual that i feel i should have actually been w/ {young love/first love}.  My mom did not like him (wasn't good enough for me}.  i ended up w/the person my mom/family felt i should have been w/well as you can see that didn't work out, but I've moved on.   

I've been in contact w/this person after several yrs of no contact and being incognito i got wind his mom was ill as i surprise i made contact w/her; she passed away a few years back.  we talked about a lot including her son.  here is the problem he has been in prison for awhile more than 10 yrs.  I've visited him, we talk about a lot pertaining too when we were young, and how each of our lives are now.  he knows  he made some bad, bad choices & i agree; anyway he's do to be released soon and i would like to help him, basically to readjust to being home the simple things (no strings, no hidden agendas nothing.  if things turn into a relationship fine, but i understand relationship is not an important thing right now...getting settled, finding a job, building his life.    

yes, he has two sisters & a brother they have a so...so.. relationship; he has a daughter early twenties and they are in contact, both his parents are now deceased.  i already know my mom/family is going to flip about this.  i guess i look at everyone deserves a second chance and i learned years about too never judge, because if i had i would have missed out on a great relationship i have w/a former co-worker that is now retired.   

Above a few things I've said I've always felt this man was for me; he was my friend then and still is today.  I've never forgotten about him and he never forgot about me.  i believe things happen for a reason.  No, I'm not looking for a father for my child, because my child has a great dad.  I'm not trying to get married.  I can't say I'm lonely, because w/an  eleven year old there is always something going on.  My child and i have a wonderful relationship, we vacation a lot, because i want my child to know there is a big world out there & I've always stressed i would never, ever place anyone or anything b4 him & nothing would ever come between us.  i don't have men around my child any and everyone that has come in contact w/my child has been there since birth and trust i live up to this.   

so, yes i will listen to any and all comments ect....... 

I'm experiencing a completely new situation for me.  I met a guy through an online dating service, and I was attracted to the way he communicated.  It seemed that we understood each other, were at the same level of language.  So we talked on the phone.  I enjoyed that as well.  But he was quite flirty, and alot of the conversation was sexual innuendo.  Or outright talking about it.  I wasn't completely comfortable with this, but only because I had never done it before.  It quickly became quite fun.  So we moved on to meeting.  Which went well.  He asked if I wanted to make out.  So I knew that attraction was mutual and had carried over to physical from emotional.  I was surprised to find out that he was interested only in being "friends with benefits" (he used a more randy term that I'm not comfortable repeating, but is more accurate, because we are not really friends).  He is separated and is very adamant that he does not want to be in a relationship.  He wants to get together for sex only.  I had never heard of such a situation before, but as he stated his intentions before we were intimate the first time, I have no reason to feel duped.  I agreed to carry on with the relationship under his terms, simply because it was enjoyable to me as well.  At first it was much more often (3 times we were together in the first month) but it has rapidly descended to once per month.  I asked if this was the frequency I could expect and he said that anything more often than once per 3-4 weeks would make me his girlfriend (in his eyes or mine, I'm not sure).  His behavior, in my opinion, has gotten worse.  I can now no longer count on his returning my phonecalls, and he decides when we get together.  As far as I understand the situation, we are to meet whenever one of us has the need, if both are available.  So his actions feel to me like he's limiting me.  He tells me he has a very active social life.  I wouldn't know for sure because we only have sex.  But he has no reason to lie about any aspect of his life, so I believe him.  This may be the casual he is comfortable with, but I want more.  He has baggage of his own which I could never understand completely as he is a paraplegic and I am able bodied.  His seeming acceptance of his situation, and the positive attitude he projects only attract me further.  I guess what I'm looking for by posting this is feedback.  Of course the situation is much more detailed than this, but I am sitting here sexually frustrated because I am not able to get together with him as often as I'd like.  I'm not ready to leave the relationship either.  He says he will not be monogamous.  I am.  Any suggestions out there? 

Hope my words will help you.... 

A wise friend told me recently when I was in exactly the same situation as you,.....she said..."if you know your worth , you will know how to answer the questions you are asking yourself...." 

If nothing else judge a man by how he treats you, not by what he says....and as far as the "friends with benefits"....look at your life- identify the benefits your true friends provide you...and I can bet they do not provide you with the sex part. 

Bootie calls have a funny way of disguising themselves in many ways..... 

He is not giving you mixed signals...he is just simply giving you the things that he knows will provide himself with what HE wants. 

I feel you deserve better, and while he may have been through alot in his past...you deserve alot more in YOUR future..... 

People show their colours very early,...sometimes we just have don't want to see them...:) 

Good luck :)!!!  

Why are you waiting around for this one person in the whole world to decide if and when he wants to have sex with you? He is stating to you very clearly that he only wants to see you and have sex when it is convenient, and he has told you that he's doing it with more people than just you- so you sit there, sexually frustrated yet willing to be monogamous with this person who isn't willing to be monogamous with you. Does that make sense to you? You sound like an intelligent, articulate person who is selling herself way short! Life is like a break box but you are settling for crumbs- I urge you to ask yourself why? Do you feel that this is all that you deserve? I don't know you at all but I know you deserve to be happy! You say that you were surprised that he wanted to be "friends with benefits" but here you are settling for that. He is out in the world having sex with other people and you are willing to still have sex with him... please think about the consequences for yourself. You are waiting for him to tell you he wants more, but he isn't going to, so how long will you wait? He is being honest with you and I encourage you to get honest with yourself. You deserve that much. When you say it feels like he is limiting you, its because he is, and he is limiting you because he can, plain and simple. Don't be played!!