Topic : Sex

             I am 27 years old,(Turning 28). I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years, and it seems to get better then worst, but I think I have something to do with it to. I have always had low-self-esteem, but I have gotten better over the years. My boyfriend has always shocked me in always being there for me, and I think it is great. The problem is are sex life. I am a very sexual person and I know the importance of sex in a relationship, but my boyfriend does not want anything to do with sex. He thinks it is to stressful and he worries to much when we have sex that he does not relax and in joy it. He worries about, "is he doing it right" , "is he hurting m"e etc.  He does jack-off so everything works. I have tried a lot of thing to make it more relaxing for him, but now it comes to the point where he does not try. I do think he is suffering from depression from his past as well as low self-esteem, which can cause a  low sex drive. He does love me very much, but I think that these problems are hurting are relationship and I want to find ways to help him get better, so we can improve are relationship and sex life.

Hi. there. I didn't know where to go put it. But anyway here it is:

I have recently found out I have herpes. I guess I just really want to know how to handle the news.

 

I have had it for 3 years, and has been diagnosed wrongly, first with Lichen Schlerosus and other diseases. All the symptoms were there but the doctors missed it. And I am mad about it.

 

Now I have spread it to my partner, and probably the ones before that.

If I could have known earlier I would not have caused my partner this pain.

And if I lose him, who will ever love me with a STD?

 

If anyone can share any stories or experiences similiar. Please do....

iv been in a wonderful relationship with my partner 4 the past 7 months,everything is great,i dont have any other partners and i hope neither does she. but the trouble started one day when we were engaging i 4play,she was giving me a blowjob the she said"i used to hate doing this" thats when the trouble started,i started thinking about her xboyfriends doing the same,ever since then i cnt have sex with her and not think or imagine her x doing it with her,i no this seems crazy but i have issues with that,and i do not think its a matter of being insecure with my body or size of my lil man.please help before i spoil something that is good,thats the only problem i have,either than that we have no disagreements or nothing,she is one in a million,sometimes i wish i had been her first and her last. AM I ALONE IN THIS MODE OF THOT?

Either she is immature or she is trying to hurt you.

 

I think she probably is immature? Also oddly as it may seem, she could have been complimenting you in a backhanded kind of way :)

 

You should try to hang on to your esteem right now but also respect and honor your feelings. They are there for a reason. You can't make someone your first, or your last, but enjoy the present . If it good in most areas and she said something that I would consider pretty gosh darn stupid........then forgive her and forgive yourself for being vulnerable and in love. YOu will be ok. Good luck. Kim

okay so......ive been with my boyfriend for a while now......i got pregnant had a beautiful daughter......everything was awesome until i had her......all kinds of problems sttarted popping up outta nowhere......but the one thats buggs me out the most is......how he just started watching porn(anal porn)....his reasoning? " well you wont have anal sex with me so i have to find some way so please myself." okay i dnt know if its just me but that hurts....it makes me feel like im not good enough for him so he has to watch some other girl get it.....i tried talking to him but his only solution is for me to let him have it....ive tried it n im just not comfortable at all with it please give me some advice....

okay so im 30 yrs.old and am a lesbian.I was married to a woman,together for almost 7 yrs.We had fights alot about her not being into me like she once was.I eventually found out she was cheating on me n ended that one.My problem isthat im in it AGAIN.Im hearing the same excuses n have heard hemfor over a yr and only ben together for almost 2yrs.She tells me its not me its her.That she has a medical condition.But that shes never had this problem b4.then in a heated arguement...about her lack of touching me..shes ha this problem for yrs.Now i sit ereand cant help bu think...How much this hurts.That this wedge is between us and she put it thee.Ive ben understanding and helpig..but on the same end have lost my temper bout it ad said some thingsimnot proud of.I evenwent t the exteme of taking off my clothes and pointing out ALL my flaws.Im so upset tht im in tisagain.I feel so ugly and hatd and want to much to just leave. try to talk about inie with her but she walks away n doesnt say anything.I cry alot because of it.She has such an angry disposition and I just want to love her and help her and still find tht erynight i lose.Im so nscure and alone.I have relized that this is putting a strain notonly on us..my work..my children,my friends,my family...I dont want to give up.I dont!But y self esteem went so low when i was married and it took so long t o build itback up for itto get torn downagain.Im not writtingcuz its been da siince our lst phisical contact...She hasntcome onto me for well close toa year now.Im so confused and ready to explode.Iwant to leave.I want to ed this unhappiness we both feel.But she claims shes never been happier.

Hi. Without even reading your whole post, the thing is with relationships, no matter our sexual preferences, who we fall in love with, who we fall out of love with, the whole lesson is seeing the relationship and how it functions or doesn't.

 

I wondered if being gay might bring with it less problems, but without even reading too much up on it, my conclusion is that a relationship is a relationship. The way we conduct ourselves within that relationship is the lesson.

 

When we start recognizing "patterns" of heartbreak, and even the "falling in love times", and we see the pattern, similarities in how we feel when we get hurt, how we feel when we feel happy, the similiarities are very familiar if one takes the time to reflect on it.

 

What I have decided to do is follow the pattern. The initial feelings of hope, excitement, followed by disappointment and seeing the reality for what it is, not for what I "hoped" (denied) it would be.  When I can see the reality without beating myself up too much, I see that I am just human and will suffer. You too will suffer in love until you realize that you "knew"this was going to happen......it was just a matter of "when".

 

Now that you see this, you can make better decisions and choose not to fall so fast, or not to give too much into the feeling until you have proof, tangible and tried and true, that the person you "love" is worthy of your love; or sadly, even wants it. :(  When we give our love to someone that doesn't love us, we will be hurt. When we give our love to someone that wants it, we are happy.

 

Keep looking for someone that wants your love; not someone that you want to want your love and you will find peace. Kimi

I know what you feel like when it comes to being upset about porn in your mans' life.

 

I do believe porn useful during times of famine, sexual famine, that is. I also believe some people use porn when they get the "urge" and there is no one available or no one "pleasing" available.

 

I also believe porn can be an addiction meaning it is an easy way out of facing sexual difficulties and avoidance.

 

Now I know, (logically) you know this too. But (emotionally) you are reacting to feelings of betrayal, rejection and possible abandonment.  I left my husband after 7 years because he chose to have a relationship with porn instead of me. That was  his choice, although he made it seem it was my fault for not be "affectionate and loving" towards him. The nerve. Anyway, his porn use was not about me, but everything about him.

 

That is what you have to learn to see. When you see that he is weak, lazy and ignorant, you will be able to remove your emotions from this and see it not just logically, but will be able to pinpoint what the real problem is in your marriage.  I don't mean to imply your husband is weak, lazy and ignorant, (I don't know him as good as you, ha ha), but if he actually said "well, you don't give me anal sex so I have to look at it on porn" , then you need to tell him that you are not giving me the respect I want, so I am going to have to find it someplace else.........and then say.......that is not a good way to spend a lifetime.

 

If you don't work through this, with a child, there are going to be so many other things that will come up that will need "both" of you to agree on. How can you agree on something with someone that you don't respect??????  Think about it. Look into couples counseling. Your marriage is worth it and your daughter deserves a happy home.  Peace and love. Kim

Hi Dr. Phil,

I thought you might be able to share what you know about erectile dysfunction that  has NO UNDERLYING MEDICAL Condition associated with it.  I have recently began a sexual relationship with a man who has a time gaining an erection (even with foreplay).  With serious oral foreplay that lasts for 20-30 minutes his erection will wax and wane.  He is 44 and in great physical health.  It seems he is very interested in the opposite sex and very attracted to sex.  He says he finds me extremely attractive and sometimes I find him staring at me for lengths of time. When it comes time to be intimate whether he initiates sex  or I,  his erection comes and goes within minutes and seconds throughout the time we make love..  I have yet to see him have a orgasm and ejaculate, and he doesn't seem frustrated or bothered by it.   Seems to bother me more than it does him.   I am not even sure that he is obtaining  full erection at which time he becomes erect enough to use it.  I would say it to be "semi-erect" . He says it is normal for him.   As a nurse, I don't understand feel/understand this function to be the "norm" unless there is an underlying past or present condition/medications to warrant it.   My college buddy who introduced us had sex with him 20 years ago and she said he was "very well endowed" (referring to his larger than average penis), and that he was a dynamic force in the bedroom.  I guess it all leaves me wondering about the possibility of it having something to do with th me and my skills; however, I never had a hard time pleasing my former husbands.  If anything all of them were quick to the draw and had only to see me naked or touch me to get a full erection. To sum it up, I believe I love him and want to have a satisfying relationship with him in every way but if this keeps up I will be as good as a sister or friend to him.  I have checked him out both mentally and physically.  He is great in both aspects!!  What more can I do?   He hasn't any addictions such as pornography that might hurt an intimate relationship. 

Emotionally he is turned on, by physically he may have a desensitization thing.  At 44 he may have more sex then a guy that is 90! He just might be played out. It doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive or not love you or desire someone else. Maybe sex to him has become kind of ho hum and its starting to show. Not that it is your fault. In life, there are going to be times when we are able to use our skills to please, but maybe this is going to be a good challenge for you to see why sex is so important to you that you feel his erectile dysfunction is a personal dig?   It is unfortunate, but sometimes we need to see that a cow is a cow and stop trying to turn it into a chicken.

 

You have to somehow learn to accept your boyfriends sexual dysfunction completely and honestly, or you will never be able to see him as the man that he is......a man with a low sexual drive. Good luck and remember, its not always about you and sometimes we just have to accept that other people don't follow our phisosophies. Kim