Topic : Sex

    I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and I know that we are meant to be together and we're going to get married someday- we've talked about how we're going to handle money, how we'll raise kids, and all of that. When we first met, I didn't want to ever have sex at all in my life, but after I had already fallen in love with him, he told me he did want to (especially to have his own kids), so I thought about it a lot and consulted my Bible, and I decided to change since sex within marriage is pure. I decided to still at least wait till marriage, though, which I am. After all that, and after I changed my entire lifestyle plan for him, I found out that he wasn't a virgin. My problem is that I can't seem to get over the fact that he's been with another girl. He had sex with one person: his girlfriend that he had when he was 17. It drives me crazy to know that he has already been there & done that, and that he's had that bond with someone who isn't me. I feel like I'm in second place, like this tortoise actually lost the race.
    I've heard people say before, "Don't worry! When you two have sex, he won't be thinking of her. He chose you, not her, so be happy!" These comments don't help. I feel like I'm obsessed with this. Any time I feel sad about anything, my thoughts turn to this. How can people say he won't think of her? She was his first- he's bound to think of it again, and compare me to her.
    Sometimes I get so caught up in thinking about it that my mood is different from normal for days at a time, and at those times I'm not as affectionate toward him as I normally am. He has changed a lot since then (he's waiting until marriage for me), but part of me feels angry at the person he was when he was 17. Part of me feels jipped, like I changed my entire plan for my life only to be tricked into getting a cookie with a big bite already taken out of it.
   Has anyone else ever felt this way? I feel like I've gone half-insane over this. Please don't suggest that I leave him. I'm not going to give up, I want to try to manage this problem.

I'm sorry this post is so long.

Your post long? never seen a post of mine eh? but back to your problem.

 

You'd be stupid to leave him, you love him he loves you and he is willing to wait for you when it comes to having sex. What more do you want? So no you really shouldn't leave him!!!

 

Now let me tell you sex is overrated. I mean not every time you do it it will be perfect, you or him will at one time or another think about loads of other stuff, wether it is something on tv, sport, needing to pick up the children or having to go to work in 20 minutes. No really if it happens on the right moment on the right time he will be focused on you and you will be focused on him but it can't be perfect all of the time.

 

He won't think of his ex either he is with you now and you are the most important person in his life. His ex is a bygone now and not very important to him anymore. And remember sex is about the moment and the partner it is not a game of scoring who was best.

 

Also the first time is overrated, it will not be perfect it rather will be clumsy because you are both tense, you don't know what you are doing etc. And for many women (NOT ALL) the first time hurts (partly for going through the "maagdenvlies" (I can't remember it in English) and partly because they are too tense which makes the muscles in the vagina tense up which makes the opening smaller so that more pressure is needed to enter. It also means less lubrication of the vagina wall because you are not focused on him)  Nothing wrong with it but hey it is not the way they describe it in "fairytales." Ofcourse your upbringing has thought you otherwise and made it seem this first time was very special but ask around (ask friends or look on the internet) the first time is not perfect.

 

If anything he will be a better bedpartner from it because he will not have to find out everything about a women's anatomy. He might also be more relaxed which will make you more relaxed which in turn makes the first time all that more pleasent. It's like playing basketball you are not the star player the first time you are in the court.

 

I hope this post makes you think about it differently a bit. It is just something in your mind you have to overcome. If you think learn to think of sex in this way it might alter the gravity of him not being virgin. That is a process it won't happen overnight, but wright down your thought about sex and the emotion that go with them and then question their validity (and research their validity) then you might learn to think about sex in a more relaxed dare I say natural way.

 

xx Oet Gäöl

 

P.s. do you masturbate? This will help you prepare for the first time since it will help you be comfortable with your own body and learns you what you like so you can help your partner with pleasing you aswell. It might also make you more relaxed because it takes of the pressure a bit since you learn to deal with arousal and sexual stimulation. And it might even help you see that it is less of a deal then you thought though I have to say that I'm out on a limb here...

  Thank you very much for trying to help, but I must not have been clear about what my real problem is.

  I'm not worried as much about our first time as I am about the fact that he is never going to be all mine- I'll always feel like he's been shared. Selfish, I know, but I thought he had the same values as me about sex and believed that it's meant to be within marriage, until I found out he's not a virgin. I know that the first time is usually awkward, but I wanted to experience that with him and I wish he would have only experienced it with me. I don't care how good of a bed partner he is at first, I wish he'd only ever learned to be better at it with me after we're married.

   Anxiety about the first time and not knowing what to expect are not my problem. I know anatomy very well and also what happens during sex and all that because I'm a nurse. I know that reading and studying human anatomy & physiology is not the same as experiencing it, but still. No, I don't masturbate, I have never had any interest in it, and I don't need to in order to make me more relaxed for my first time because that's not my main issue.

   I know that sex won't always be perfect, but it is not overrated. It creates and strengthens a bond between two people, especially if it's their first time together. This is my problem. He's already been had by someone & he has that bond with his ex. He didn't respect sex enough to wait until marriage, and now I'm plagued by the thought of him doing that with someone who isn't me. It's not easy to just put it out of my mind like everyone says to, and it always comes back.

Well it was worth a try, I wanted to change your mindset towards sex so it might be less of a deal.

 

Ok here I go again: I'm thinking you should try cognitive therapy, not that I think you are crazy or sick but because with this therapy you can research your cognitions and feelings about this. The therapist will help you challenge these cognitions and put them into perspective (are they valid if you look at them closely, are there other perspectives to it, can you change it all together)

 

I'm thinking of a technique myself but I am no therapist yet (studying to become a drama therapist) so I don't dare to guide you myself on this path. (also because we never meet in person which takes away the non-verbal communication you get when talking face to face)

 

Can you live with this advice? again I'm just asking you to visit a therapist for this one rough patch in one small area of your live not because I think you are sick or crazy. But if it is not straightened out it could cause your relationship to fail because the issue keeps growing and you yourself said you don't want to lose him.

Hey Wills...I know it's been a little while since you responded to my question, but I wanted to let you know what ended up happening...I was right.  He was cheating on me.  Not with just one girl, but with FOUR!  Can you believe it??? Haha.  I found this all out back in May...I tried doing the romantic thing and I tried talking to him about it but he just got all defensive and told me that I needed to go see a psychiatrist for my crazy insecurities.  What a jerk, right?  But, I have found since then I have been sooooo much more happy!  All he did was bring me down because I was constantly worried about what he was doing when I wasn't around, and I sure had a right to be worried!  No wonder I had self esteem issues.  But all is good.  I'm more happy and independant than I have ever been and life is wonderful :)  Anyway, thanks for your advice.  I hope all is well in your world!

 

Shay

Hello sweetheart,

 

I can understand why you feel the way you do.  But if you think about it like that then of course you're going to feel crazy over it.  It is rare to find someone who is a virgin in the first place, much less someone who has already had sex and is willing to wait until marraige to have sex again.  Now, if that isn't love, then I don't know what love is.  You say you have been together for 3 years?  That's a long time for a man to wait.  You must be something special to him.  He apparently has the same values as you, otherwise he wouldn't have stuck around this long.  Sure, he may have slept with someone else when he was 17, but he was young and confused, and he obviously doesn't love his ex girlfriend anymore, otherwise he would be with her.  Just understand that he loves you so much and respects you so much that he is willing to wait years to have that special connection with you.  And don't worry about him comparing you to her.  Believe me, when the time comes you'll be all that's on his mind.  I guarantee it.  You can ask any guy out there, they really DONT compare females.  Men really aren't that picky.  All the little things about your body that you are insecure about, men love and find attractive.  Just be confident within yourself.  It will all work itself out...don't worry...he loves you and only you...and that's really all that matters :)

Thank you so much. I'm trying so hard to be able to deal with this.. I don't know why I'm so stuck on feeling this way, but I'm trying to be able to handle it well enough so that we can get married and not have any problems afterward. I know it takes quite a bit for someone to wait so long after he already had sex, and I do appreciate that he's doing that for me. You're right, he does have values like mine now. I just kinda wish I could go back in time and meet him before he did that and lecture him or something! Too bad I can't, but you helped a little.

Thank you for your kindness.

here is my story. i have been alone for the past year and few months, i raise two girls, work two jobs..i deal with the public so i always see someone cute or someone says hello but for the past year and few months my attitude has been whatever. than out of nowhere i see this man walk into my work and it caught me by surprise. i gave him my number by the end of the night. he did call but i was afraid to answer. since i have been living on my own since the age of 16, have had many bad relationships, broken promises etc. after the last person who constantly accused me of cheating through text messages while he was out (what was i thinking) my whole attitude toward love and stuff is whatever. but back to this guy, he called me two days in a row and i didnt answer (just to afraid) and finally i called on the third day and asked if he wanted to watch a movie. needless to say after work we got together at my house, watched a movie, talked alot, have alot in common, i was so nervous i didnt even eat for the day. we kissed and made out but i didnt have sex on the first night. i so badly wanted to and i knew he did to but it ended up being a mutual not to. i want more out of being with someone than sex. besides i dont get no pleasure, (not saying it doesnt feel good) and i hate when a man (which is not many) want to go down. after my younger age hearing how they talk has made me self consious even though i know im clean. im all excited with this guy and the whole day i worked i didnt even eat. hell i've been out of the scene for a while. i almost thought i forgot to kiss,needless to say i'm happy and i enjoyed my time. we have alot in common we both work really hard and our children are top priority.....he seems really great and we are suppose to get together thursday night. but what do i do. things will heat up again. do i go for it, or wait longer. years ago because of my child hood i just wanted someone to love me. but now i want love but im older and wiser. im 29 and would like one day to possibly be married. what ends up happening is my feelings are full coarse, and i come on strong and than "boom" but even with that i didnt have very good taste anyways. my next fear is im alot thicker than i was last year. i quit smoking cold turkey seven months ago, so i gained at least 35 extra pounds. those choclate cakes i made (yum). i like this guy, with first impression i like him. and definetely want to continue. i just dont know what to do. afraid to get hurt, but i know i have feelings. and he loves to go down so im afraid of that to. help!!!!! please

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