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Topic : 12/26 Cheating Disasters

Number of Replies: 372
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Created on : Friday, October 27, 2006, 02:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/31/06) Cheating can take many forms: secret meetings, romantic text messages and flirtatious e-mails, among others? Dr. Phil’s guests say they need help moving past an infidelity. Noelle says she can’t stop obsessing about her husband, Robert’s, affair. She calls the other woman "a whore" and even beats Robert up in front of their children. Find out what happens when the ex-mistress weighs in. Can Robert and Noelle get closure and get their family back on track? Then, Randy recently found out his wife, Kally, was cheating on him while he was at work. He says Kally went on dates with another man and even brought the kids along! Kally says her husband’s controlling and jealous ways made her cheat. Will Randy and Kally be able to salvage their relationship? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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October 29, 2006, 4:01 am CST

Selective cheating?

Do men go through "menopause" too?

 

I was shocked to hear that my own son after being married and loyal for over thirteen years to his wife, suddenly was staying over in town, saying he was working late and was too tired to drive home at 1-2 am. He never stayed over before and his wife got suspicious. One day she went to his car and picked up his cell phone only to find a message on it from a woman...asking are they going to meet again? My DIL calls me all upset and ask's me "what should I do"?

I told you two years ago to go for marriage counseling because your marriage wasn't working but you dismissed my suggestion.

Then I had a talk with my son, alone, " what's going on , I asked him? His reply...well, I have a wife in name only. She gets angry and spiteful and we haven't been intimate in over a year. HMMMM? Well, son, if you have differences, you sould go for marriage counseling to work things out...well, mom, I'm willing but my wife isn't willing to go for help!" You know how hard I work, my family wants for nothing and my wife doesn't have to work, no she stays home with the children. Beside that she complains the house is too much to take care of, I tell her get a housekeeper. She gets a housekeeper but she's still complaining. then she wants me to take a job where I'm home by 6-7 pm at night. I tell her...well, tthis is all I know how to do and I'm good at what I do and I don't want to change jobs.  I don't know what she does with her time but she loves to shop!

 

OK....what about this women on your cell phone....is this serious? He laughs..NO. It's an "escort service". It doesn't mean anything, I love my wife! I ask him..how could you love your wife and go out with other women? Well, what would you do, if your wife hasn't been intimate with you for over a year? You could have gone for therapy for yourself. Yes, he replied, I did and no matter how I approcached my wife with going with me she wouldn't. Mom, this is the out come of her negative behavior. NO son, you made the choice to do what you did.

Several weeks gos by, I get a call from my DIL, she's crying ..help me please, I don't know what to do.

That am, went to their house and did an " intervention", telling them they MUST go for therapy as I'm more concerned about the children and how this effecting them. That their first responsibility was to the children, that no matter what, the children will feel the tension between them. They both started crying.. My DIL blamed herself for situation and her spitefullness. I talked to them seperately to find out just what they thought brought on this problem of infidelity.

My son said...I think I'm going thorugh "male menopause" and I feel unlove, unappreciated, so I want a kind word and  went to an escort service. I wouldn't have done that, if I was getting love, understanding and support from my wife.

Then I talked to my DIL....her reply, I want him home with the family. He works too hard and we can live for less, even if I have to go to work. I asked her..how does that make sense, you going to work? She went on to say, we can get a smaller house, he can get a different job, we don't need a lot of money to be happy. Hmmm? How will his getting a meanial job help him? He's a CEO of a company. What kind of work do you think he should do? she replied...well, he loves fishing when he has the time, so, I told him to open a bait store, then he can keep regular hours and be home for the family. I almost laughed at her reply and said...are you willing to live on $ 50,000 a year, that's with both of you working ? Are you willing to give up your son's golf lessons, your daughters music lessons and your designer clothes? She thought for a moment, looked at me and said....I didn't think about that, how the chidren would not be able continue their lessons. Yes, your life would change drasticly, your too naive' and must think this through intelligently...you MUST go for marriage counseling to work out your differences. She waited a fewf minutes and said...if I have to ,I will go for therapy to save my marriage.

This was soooo sad, to see, two grown adults crying like chidren and their pain could be felt.

Before I left them, made them promise ASAP to find a marriage counselor.

 

They are going for MC. I hope it's not too late!

 
October 29, 2006, 4:56 am CST

Talking Is not Cheating, It's Therapy!

Some think that cheating is talking to someone, yes it can be!  However if it is all basic and not of a sexual nature taking the two of you further then it is not cheating. Do you know what true friends are?

 

 I caught my wife of 17 years via the computer and listening in on the many phone calls from men, she has cheated and let me tell you the men can say it is not hurting them, bull!  It Hurts!

 

What can give you a moment of pleasure can take away everything you have worked hard for in life..  My wife went out one nite and said she was going to walmart, never returned till about 9 the next morning with her sweater on inside out.  Yep really believe she went to walmart don't we!  Two affairs later and she swears she never did anything.  I can't get over it.  along with that she is an alcoholic and will not get help.  Lied to me prior to marriage about that.  Trust is just long gone! 

 

Ladies it is not that hard to keep a decent man happy, we do not require much, Love us, feed us, let us have our time with the guys and most of all be honest and no nagging.  We found you to be our one and then ask for the hand, we then want to keep the flame going but also have some life with the guys.

 
October 29, 2006, 5:18 am CST

Interested to hear

I'm so interested to hear what Dr. Phil will say on this topic.  I believe that my husband has had several emotional affairs - which he would NEVER admit to.  But in my eyes having constant conversation with someone about the matters of the heart, and confiding in them is more intimate than having sex with someone.  My husband doesn't seem to understand that.  We've been married for 6 years and women that he emails & talks to on a constant basis keep coming us - even though I tell him that I'm not comfortable with it.  I always ask why they have to call his cell phone - why can't they call the house if its just business or if its nothing to it.  And why am I never around when these conversations take place.  I also always say that theres something to the time that you're talking to these women - which my husband always says that doesn't matter hes in the entertainment industry and he says thats the time that they keep their hours.  So a 2am phone call, text, or email doesn't mean anything in his eyes - to that I say yeah right.  There's a woman that I just found out about that my husband is talking to and emailing - when I asked who she was he told me - when I asked was it a personal or business relationship - he said business.  Later he was on the computer and walked away - when I sat down she sent him an IM that asked how he was doing - when there was no response she writes oh so you're not talking to me now (or something like that) then after a while she calls his phone - of which he didn't hear vibrating but I went over and looked at the screen to see what her name was.  In a week they've talked a couple of times I know.  I warned my husband that if I find out that she's more than just a business partner - that was the last time.  I can't trust and I can't keep forgiving this foolishness.  Well I can forgive it, but I must move on with my life.  I'm already preparing for the worse and I hate living this way.  I'm almost sure that shes gonna come in my future and be more than just a business associate.  But that's when I'll leave.  Interested in hearing the advice Dr. Phil gives to these couples - maybe it will help me.  But most of the time - I find that things are easier said than done - even though I usually agree with Dr. Phil - its just not that easy.
 
October 29, 2006, 5:24 am CST

Can't let go of the past

My boyfriend and his daughter moved in with me in 2001, little did I know that he was cheating on me with his ex-wife until a year later. Immediately I moved him and his daughter out of my house.  We've continued dating after he moved out.  In January  2007 he and his daughter will be moving back in (we're going to give this one more try).  My problem is that I can't let go of the past.  I have nothing good to say about his ex-wife,  she too is a whore.  When a situation arises, I always bring up the past.  I've told my boyfriend and his daughter (18 yrs old) that I will not tolerate communication.  If his daughter must speak with her mom, it must be done via her cell phone, not my house phone!  My boyfriend, he better never have a phone conversation with his ex unless I'm in the same room. I do have one stipulation, my boyfriend must put a ring on my finger prior to moving in, he needs to show me that he is committed (this time).  Hopefully this show will help me move on and let go of my anger.
 
October 29, 2006, 5:30 am CST

10/31 Cheating Disasters

Quote From: meadan

 I have been married for 28 year and my husband had 2 emotional affairs and now he is in the middle of a physical affair. We are separated.  Not where I wanted to be at 52 that's for sure. Saw him through school and had children. Raised them primarily myself and now this. What galls me the most is that the "Other women" never seem to give a dam. It's all about them and what they want.  I have always believed that firstly you are a woman and if men are to respect us, we must respect each other and ourselves.  MY husband travelled all of the time and holds a grudge about my past (before I met him) and I believe all of or most of what he has done, he blames me for.

It is sad that nowadays you hear a lot of baby-boomers going through separation and/or divorced after so many years of being married.  I am a baby-boomer and was married for 28 years also and I had an affair.  During the marriage, I have learned to cope and live with my ex-'s alcoholism and diabetes.  However, I found myself looking forward to our retirement years and how it was going to be the same - hardly any sexual relationship.  I wish we had heard of Viagra sooner!  It is sad to note that my ex and I became best friends and had closer relationship AFTER the divorce.  When my ex was diagnosed with bladder cancer in 2004 and went for surgery in 2005, I flew to California and literally stayed and took care of him for 2 months.  Unfortunately, he did not bounce back from surgery and passed away exactly 2 months after the surgery. Darn those HMO doctors!  To this date, I still miss my ex and I regret sincerely not uttering the words 'I love you' during my stay with him.

 
October 29, 2006, 6:42 am CST

Feels like the same thing

I am anxious to see this show.  It sounds like my situation exactly.  Hopefully, I will obtain some useful information to help me move past the pain and anger.
 
October 29, 2006, 7:09 am CST

heartbroken

 Well, for starters every posted message has something I can relate to. I am 36 years old a mother of 3 wonderful boys and in the process of divorce. My soon to be x-husband is serving our country and has been gone since 2002.  This is my first marriage and his second with a daughter. His daughter  had borderline personalty disorder and like to cut on herself. She came to live with us since I was a RN that worked in state mental health institute. Make long story short....i stepped out on my marriage as the stress of dealing with his daughter and my middle child (who has ADHD) without help was getting to me. On top of all that dealing with his family and how they treated me and he wouldn't stand up to them. I had an affair with a married man who listened to me, was there for me, and allowed me to relax and have fun to alleviate the stress. That relationship broke up and I found myself with a 23 year old guy. At first are relationship was bout the sex, than became serious. December 2005 my husband was home for Christmas and I told him there was another man. He wanted to work through it. March I filed for divorce and he came home hoping to work it out. The boyfriend moved me and my 3 boys into his home.  Things were good.....but than he started pulling away from me. I felt something was wrong so I got into his cell phone where I found him texting his co workers daughter telling her all the same things he told me.  I confronted him and he said nothing would never happen. Than one night he called it off with me. I lived with him for 2 weeks after as my boys needed to finish school.I moved back with my parents but needless to say continued to see the boyfriend only for sex.  I  wasn't allowed to move on if I did he would text me with insulting demeaning comments....but it was okay for him to have girls as friends.  we ended up back together in August and I and 2 boys moved in with him. Things were going great.....until he started hating his teaching job. He began to pull away again. Once  again I had gut feeling ......as the sex had stopped the cuddling had stop and his attentiveness to me stopped. Finding out passwords to his accounts....i logged on his computer where I found him looking at porn, searching for women in the area. I never said anything. I continued to go through his phone where i found him asking a friend for number of a girl he had sex with so he could meet her. On thOct 24 he was sitting in front of me IM a gal who he said was a classmate. Fine no problem. But 2 days later they were texting back n forth how she can't wait to meet hi and blah blah......If i were to do this he would accuse me of f----them. He pushed me into the garage that night and my friend called the police as i told him to leave. I hurt because I idn't want him to leave. But yet, was walking on eggshells not knowing if I would do or say right things. He would even go through my phone,always asked me who i was talking to if i got a phone call. His sister has bi polar and sometimes I would see signs but would say a word to him. My boys have become attached to him and that makes me sad. He was good at manipulating me into things and out of things. The house is so empty and lonely. I wonder if I made the right decision. He was going to move in December to new job but not taking me with. I hate being alone. I hate the fact I love this guy no matter how bad he treats me. I would probably go back to him again if that opportunity came up. My husband has finally decided to give up on us......and that hurts......I am so lost and confused. I sit and cry. Look what my boys have been going through. any advice welcomed.
 
October 29, 2006, 7:15 am CST

Cool Ur Jets Bud

 

         Robert's gota cool his Jets, there's nothing wrong about telling a Joke, if your talken to one of your boys, but when you tell your wife or significant other, come on have some Class. Robert you need to cool ur Jets you ever think with your head that maybe your Wife doesn't appreciate your B---S--t Humor. You need to Grow Up .

 

 

 

                                                                                                                           Protect

 
October 29, 2006, 7:55 am CST

what were you thinking?

Quote From: debhgn

My daughter recently had a one night stand with a guy  who works with her husband.  They were out at a bar one night, her husband wanted to go home and go to bed, he left her there with his friend and figured she was in good hands.

This is absolutely totally out of character for her to have done this.  Completely opposite of what she believes and stands for.  She lost a baby just a few short weeks prior to this incident and had lost her grandfather just 2 months prior to that.

She told me about it the very next day and I decided that I needed to tell her husband.  Many factors played a part in my deciding to do this, but one was that he has tried to commit suicie on more than once occasion and I felt that he needed to find this out in a "controlled enviorment" so to speak.

They have been separated for 4 weeks now, she is living with me.  For the first couple of weeks he was very upset as expected.  He then started to examine how this could have happened and actually got over it for a few days, long enough for them to take a mini vacation together.

Then suddenly out of the blue he turned into a raging bull.  He has torn their home all to peices, even tried to burn it down.  Holes in the wall, if it was glass it's now broken, and even cutting down some trees that her beloved grandfather had gotten her prior to his death.  He has done several thousand dollars worth of damage to the home.

As for her husband, he is a 30 year old child, she is 25.  He has tried to commit suicide twice, he has a very bad porn addiction, he is controlling and unloving and selfish.

She has lost all self esteem that she had prior to her marriage to him, has a low self image, and has become depressed.  She has lost all respect or desire for him because of his porn addiction.  She says it makes her sick to her stomach.

He has taken this opportunity to unleash terror on her and everyone around.  He now feels he has the total right and actually duty to inflict his rage at anytime on anyone.  In fact when he tried to burn down the house and she threaten to call the police he was outraged to think she would call the police on him since it was her that cheated.

I too am interested in this up coming show and feedback from the members here.  I have a mess on my hands and don't know where to turn.


It is difficult to say the least to get to the place where you were when you told your daughter's husband about the situation she told you about in confidence - it is obvious that all of you have a three ring circus going, and are enjoying the fracas - still, it is fair to assume that you are the adult here - you need to butt out and get your daughter to a women's shelter or something where she can get mature and reasonable advice on how to deal with this guy - what would you tell yourself if this situation did result in suicide or murder, etc?  get real!  if you are a woman, you should be ashamed - if you are a man, you should be ashamed - very interesting interactions here that I am sure Dr. Phil could explain in either case - still - go back to the nursery rhymes and read about Humpty Dumpty - geez..........
 
October 29, 2006, 8:01 am CST

I can realate..

In June of 2004 my husband of only 2 years had what I call an emotional affiar over the internet. We met in 1999 and had a great courtship of 2 years,  our familes get along, no major relationship issues. One of his old hs friends who was upset by us dating constantly tried to interfere. He swore she was just his friend and that he always wanted to be with her in hs but once he met me out of college his life changed - that upset her and she tried to break us up. But he did not speak with her and stopped returning emails, letters etc...so I thought all was well.

 

Our married life was very stressful. We had our first child in December of 2003 , then in  Jan of 2004  the best man in our wedding died ( my husband's best friend), then 6 months later his father died of stomach/liver cancer and I was attacked by a pit bull while walking our dog. Then after being in the hosiptal I came home, and went to turn on the computer to see a long IM message from my husband to this hs friend...first as I was reading it was flirty and I kept thinking to myself "why would he say things like that"...but then I kept reading and it got very sexual in nature and I could not believe it.  When he got in from work - he already knew I was upset b/c a mutual friend told him so - so he was trying to explain it but could not. He kept saying "it is just something we have done all the time"...I don't know about you, but if I spoke to any of my male friends in a sexual nature on IM and he found out , he would flip out.  For a long time I thought, god what did I do wrong, But i know it is not me.  Then I tought things would get better if we could just go to counseling , but he went 2 times and felt it was a waste of time and that all the therapists gang up on him...so he stopped going. Things improved for a while..then we lost our home b/c our daughter was sick and I had to stop working...and we reloaced into my MIIL's house for a while, which was stressful enough. Then we finally got back on our own in an apartment and we found out we were pregnant again. This time things were so good, I thought finally the stress has died down, we can work on us, etc...oh no. The next day he  gets IM's from this HS girl...I totally freaked on him. He said she contacts him and he does not contact her, but I don't believe it. So we are in our apartment  then his mom annouces that she has stage 4 breast cancer...it was shock. We went through 8 months of hell with her chemo and surgery and my life stopped b/c it was always about my husbands family. I have so much resentment for him because of how things have played out. I know I am partly responsible and I accept that. But the fact that I gave up everything to make our life and family great and he does not acknowledge that, is so bothersome.  And most recently I have asked him for a seperation because I just don't feel anything anymore. Between, the sexual IM's and all the other stress,  I am numb. I am only 30 and I do not want to live the next 10 years in a marrige of convienence.  I am full time mom by day and gave up my career to take care of my kids and work at night as a chasier b/c we can't afford full time care...it is just so hard. Do you stay in your marriage due to finances? The kids? Or to try to work it out? How do you know if there is still hope? I told my husband that he is a great father - I don't doubt that..he always takes care of his kids no matter what.. and we are friends and dont really fight...but I am just not in love with him....he said he wants to work it out and try to get back on track but I don't know if the damage is already done??

so I asked for the past 5 1/2 years that you have known me,
 
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