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Topic : 12/26 Cheating Disasters

Number of Replies: 372
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Created on : Friday, October 27, 2006, 02:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/31/06) Cheating can take many forms: secret meetings, romantic text messages and flirtatious e-mails, among others? Dr. Phil’s guests say they need help moving past an infidelity. Noelle says she can’t stop obsessing about her husband, Robert’s, affair. She calls the other woman "a whore" and even beats Robert up in front of their children. Find out what happens when the ex-mistress weighs in. Can Robert and Noelle get closure and get their family back on track? Then, Randy recently found out his wife, Kally, was cheating on him while he was at work. He says Kally went on dates with another man and even brought the kids along! Kally says her husband’s controlling and jealous ways made her cheat. Will Randy and Kally be able to salvage their relationship? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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October 29, 2006, 8:27 am CST

Confused, hurt, angry, stressed.

Never used the message boards before - hope it works. I am living with this situation now.  My husband of 6 years has recently had a one year affair.  He moved in with this person and only stayed a week and I allowed him to come back home.  However, he signed a lease with this person for a year and now we are paying 1/2 of her rent every month. I thought I wanted him back home but the financial burden it has put us under is not allowing me to move past this at all.  I am paying her rent because I am fortunate enough to have a larger income.  I have taken on a second job, he says he is trying to find a 2nd job; however, after 3 months, nothing.  I have health issues and the stress of all this is really taking its toll on me.  I wish I could just walk away, but he has an 8 year old that lives with us and if I leave, he'll lose the house and I am worried about what it would do to our son.  His mother died when he was 7 months old and I have been his mom since he was 1 1/2 years old.  I am curious to see how Dr. Phil addresses this situation.  I need answers and I don't know how to get them. 
 
October 29, 2006, 9:29 am CST

cheating

Unfortunately, this situation will never be right unless both people want to work it out.  I was married for 10 years to a man who I knew in high school.  He was 2.5 yrs younger than me-we grew up in the same town, our families and friends were always around....we were soul mates.  After I delivered my second son (the first child was 2), my ex-husband moved us away from our familiarity to a remote area of Connecticut.  I gave up my career as a teacher (6yrs) to accept this promotion for my husband.  Even though the area was totally unaffordable for us-especially with me not working, my husband insisted that this would be a great move for us as a family.....3 yrs later I found out he was having an affair with a woman who he hired as is secretary.  We separated and his relationship with her lasted 3 weeks after they were "found out".  He came crawling back to me and I agreed to go to counseling etc.  We went through the motions, but I always felt that he was not really committed to being with just me.  I started dating someone else and so did he.....  I got very serious and the guy I was with and we were talking about marriage...When my ex found out, he came to me in one last ditch effort to get back together....  I ended my relationship with this guy  because my ex told me he was serious about his intentions....we started seeing each other and things were great.  I had no contact with the guy I had been dating....I had once again put all my eggs in one basket with my ex.   We were preparing to go on a family vacation about 3 mths into it....we were living separately, but seeing each other on the weekends.  I went to do laundry and I found a pair of woman's bikini panties in his laundry basket.   I ended it right there....Men (or Women) who cheat, never stop.....if their intention is to cheat on someone, they will do it regardless of how committed the other person is.  It's a sad state of affairs and the train wreck that is left behind is forever present.  Keeping it in perspective....these people never change.... they are not able to be committed to one person ever..  My ex is remarried and things look great-he's living the life I would have loved to live with him-but perseption is'nt always reality.......My advice to these people....MOVE ON... 
 
October 29, 2006, 9:54 am CST

Need Advice

My wife had a 7 year long affair that I found out over a year ago.

We moved near her lover because she was going to continue to work with him. That did not work out. But when repairing his machine I found emails of a sexual nature from her to him.

I confronted her she said it only happened once. I did not believe it because part of her job was to travel around the country with him. After swearing on my daughters life that it was only one time she finally confessed in therapy that is was more than once.

I am trying to make it work but I am having difficulty. I always thought she was truthful now I know she is a lier

I want it to work out but I cannot get over how long this went on and how she kept lying to me.

She says she loves me and wants to work it out, but I think that is because he does not want his family to know so he has dropped her like a hot potato.

Any advice?

 
October 29, 2006, 10:39 am CST

Plenty of Cheating... but why?

I have read some of the postings to this board, they seem, for the most part confessional of cheating in relationships ... either the person posting has cheated, or the spouse has cheated. 

I could add to that and say there was some emotional cheating that went on in my marriage... but more to the point, why does this go on?

My input to that would be that (based on experience) that in one way or another people drift apart.  Emotionally, physically, or both.  When one finds their life vacant emotionally, physically (or both) they may eventually fill that void with someone else.  Many that cheat probably don't mean to cheat, but find they drift on into making relationships with others quite innocently, just a bit of chat... then more as they find that they and the other have common interests... and eventually they are in a situation that is well past what they would have planned for themselves.

To have a good ongoing relationship with your spouse you need to work at it, all the time.  Keep doing things together, new activities... and most importantly, keep communication open.
 
October 29, 2006, 11:14 am CST

Control Issues?

Quote From: debhgn

My daughter recently had a one night stand with a guy  who works with her husband.  They were out at a bar one night, her husband wanted to go home and go to bed, he left her there with his friend and figured she was in good hands.

This is absolutely totally out of character for her to have done this.  Completely opposite of what she believes and stands for.  She lost a baby just a few short weeks prior to this incident and had lost her grandfather just 2 months prior to that.

She told me about it the very next day and I decided that I needed to tell her husband.  Many factors played a part in my deciding to do this, but one was that he has tried to commit suicie on more than once occasion and I felt that he needed to find this out in a "controlled enviorment" so to speak.

They have been separated for 4 weeks now, she is living with me.  For the first couple of weeks he was very upset as expected.  He then started to examine how this could have happened and actually got over it for a few days, long enough for them to take a mini vacation together.

Then suddenly out of the blue he turned into a raging bull.  He has torn their home all to peices, even tried to burn it down.  Holes in the wall, if it was glass it's now broken, and even cutting down some trees that her beloved grandfather had gotten her prior to his death.  He has done several thousand dollars worth of damage to the home.

As for her husband, he is a 30 year old child, she is 25.  He has tried to commit suicide twice, he has a very bad porn addiction, he is controlling and unloving and selfish.

She has lost all self esteem that she had prior to her marriage to him, has a low self image, and has become depressed.  She has lost all respect or desire for him because of his porn addiction.  She says it makes her sick to her stomach.

He has taken this opportunity to unleash terror on her and everyone around.  He now feels he has the total right and actually duty to inflict his rage at anytime on anyone.  In fact when he tried to burn down the house and she threaten to call the police he was outraged to think she would call the police on him since it was her that cheated.

I too am interested in this up coming show and feedback from the members here.  I have a mess on my hands and don't know where to turn.


Not sure how you managed to convince yourself that this was yours to take care of instead of your daughters place - but shame on you! 

 

Shame on you for betraying your daughters confidence and shame on you for creating such a mess. 

 

You strike me as a controlling person who creates havoc.  The first respondant was dead on. 

 

Best thing you can do for your daughter at this point is to apologize to both she and your son in law for sticking your nose where it does not belong and butt out.  This is your DAUGHTERS marriage and not your own.  Your daughter needs to stand on her own two feet and get away from her co-dependence upon you.  You are stunting her - can't you see that?   Dr. Phil - where are you!! 

 
October 29, 2006, 11:27 am CST

Domestic violence

Noelle physically assaults Robert in front of the children!!!!!!!! She needs to arrested, she should be slapped with a restraining order, jailed, sent to batterers classes, and get her act together. There is no excuse for domestic violence. Period.
 
October 29, 2006, 11:47 am CST

Leave Her/Take the Kids

Quote From: ben2006

My wife had a 7 year long affair that I found out over a year ago.

We moved near her lover because she was going to continue to work with him. That did not work out. But when repairing his machine I found emails of a sexual nature from her to him.

I confronted her she said it only happened once. I did not believe it because part of her job was to travel around the country with him. After swearing on my daughters life that it was only one time she finally confessed in therapy that is was more than once.

I am trying to make it work but I am having difficulty. I always thought she was truthful now I know she is a lier

I want it to work out but I cannot get over how long this went on and how she kept lying to me.

She says she loves me and wants to work it out, but I think that is because he does not want his family to know so he has dropped her like a hot potato.

Any advice?

 Leave her and take your kids--You deserve better.  This happened to me too and that is what I did and am happier than I have been in a long time.  I believe that everything always works out for the best.
 
October 29, 2006, 11:52 am CST

Reap what you soe

Quote From: gooseylucy

It is difficult to say the least to get to the place where you were when you told your daughter's husband about the situation she told you about in confidence - it is obvious that all of you have a three ring circus going, and are enjoying the fracas - still, it is fair to assume that you are the adult here - you need to butt out and get your daughter to a women's shelter or something where she can get mature and reasonable advice on how to deal with this guy - what would you tell yourself if this situation did result in suicide or murder, etc?  get real!  if you are a woman, you should be ashamed - if you are a man, you should be ashamed - very interesting interactions here that I am sure Dr. Phil could explain in either case - still - go back to the nursery rhymes and read about Humpty Dumpty - geez..........
 This is entirely your daughter's fault.  She is of poor character.  There is no excuse to cheat and you enable her by making excuses and painting him as the bad guy????
 
October 29, 2006, 12:03 pm CST

Married 23 years

 My X had an affair with our female Boy Scout leader.  (Yes she is still the Leader of the troop,  the scout leadership here did not care, my X was the Committee Chair).  She was married with children too.

I divorced him as soon as I found out.  Have not been as happy as I am now in a long time.

Yes he was an Exec. that was out of work and felt bad about himself but that is no excuse.  It is a character issue.

My 5 kids do not talk to him (it has been a year and a half now), because he taught them that God always comes first in your life and then your family.  He puts his whore first now.

You reap what you sow. 


 
October 29, 2006, 1:34 pm CST

10/31 Cheating Disasters

Cheating is nothing less of abuse.  It is emotional/ mental abuse to the other person.  My first husband and I were married for 4 years.  After 2 years, actually on our anniversary, I found out I was pregnant with our first child.  We were both extrememly happy!  By the time our baby was born and turning 1 year old, my husband was out cheating on me.  He cursed me and my son daily.  He said I disrupted our lives by having a baby and he wasn't happy.  He called our child a 'snot nosed little bastard,' among many other hurtful, horrible names.  He always found a way to blame it on me, it was MY fault he was out with other women.  I found out later, he had a friend (another guy) helping cover up all that he done.  His friend was doing the same thing to his wife and child.  We found hotel vouchers where they were taking their women.  We also learned later they were taking their women to church parking lots and romping with them.  After I caught up with what he was doing, he physically abused me.  I took my child and left.  After medication, therapy and wonderful friends and family, I overcame a big part of this and went on with my life.  I now have a good husband.  Bottom line, abuse is abuse and it all hurts! 
 
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