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Topic : 12/26 Cheating Disasters

Number of Replies: 372
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Created on : Friday, October 27, 2006, 02:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/31/06) Cheating can take many forms: secret meetings, romantic text messages and flirtatious e-mails, among others? Dr. Phil’s guests say they need help moving past an infidelity. Noelle says she can’t stop obsessing about her husband, Robert’s, affair. She calls the other woman "a whore" and even beats Robert up in front of their children. Find out what happens when the ex-mistress weighs in. Can Robert and Noelle get closure and get their family back on track? Then, Randy recently found out his wife, Kally, was cheating on him while he was at work. He says Kally went on dates with another man and even brought the kids along! Kally says her husband’s controlling and jealous ways made her cheat. Will Randy and Kally be able to salvage their relationship? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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October 30, 2006, 6:08 am CST

Betrayal

In my opinion because I'm not a doctor, when your partner cheats and believes that the grass in greener on the other side. Let them stay on the other side because 9 out of 10 it's a possibility they will see a better bed of flowers next.  It's a possibility, it's just a matter of time they start losing their minds that God gave them.Cheating destroys families, and everyone suffers. It is a no win situation. At the end there is a sense of lost, confusion, and pain. Cheating is a selfish act. Why do people think the grass is greener on the other side could be a numerous of things, but guarantee they are always awaken to a rude awakening like clock work. At this point they want to come back home because they realize their mistake, however the question is "will their partner forgive them and take them back"?. Believe it or not most partner take their cheating investment back. I said investment because their is a history within the relationship. My personal opinion is when this occurs it doesn't work out because the person didn't take them back for the right reason. This situation mostly end badly because the wrong incentive was present. If, the right incentive was present which is love and forgiveness then there is hope for a real reunion. Then everyone wins. It's hard to turn the other cheek, and walk away, but it has been and can be done. The worst thing a person can do when they forgive someone is, keep bringing up the past mistakes. The relationship can't go forward if the past keep popping up.  They must stop living in the past. Trust me this is better said then done. It is a challenge to forgive a cheating partner When the heart is broken it is hard to mend, but as the old saying goes" what is broken can be fix"  This construction is priceless so, If, a person cheats make sure you want the person back for the right reasons, and not because you feel you invested too much time for someone else to have them. This thinking will end up disastrously, so all the people out there that have been cheated on, think real hard before you take this person back. Take them back for the right reasons and not the wrong reasons.
 
October 30, 2006, 6:55 am CST

Maybe You Need Help....

Quote From: rockin1018

i can't believe this show title,,

it could be all about me,,

i have a loving husband who loves me very much,,

i have no idea why i have cheated on him sooo many times,, some says its an addiction,, something like drugs,, i look forward to the high,, of it,,

i would really like to get over this,, cause i know if he ever catches me again it would destroy him and us,,

he can't get over the first time he caught me ,, my husband can't get over the fact that i have strayed away from him like i did,,,

Dr Phil can u help me???

Hello,

 

I have previouly posted about myself and my situation, and I am not saying you are the same person as I, but maybe you should seek help. I am bipolar and just found out due to having an affair. I basically went out and did something that is out of my norm and thought NOTHING of it until later on after I saw how many people I hurt! Feel free to email me jami_0314@yahoo.com, I'd love to help!

 
October 30, 2006, 7:09 am CST

10/31 Cheating Disasters

Quote From: g_iou2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What?  "What galls me the most is that the "Other women" never seem to give a dam. It's all about them and what they want. "

Give your head a shake.  I am responsible only for MY behavior, not another persons.  It is all about them?  What about your husband?  He was walking down the street and found himself in another woman's arms and had nothing to do with it?

The other woman is a symptom and not the problem.  The problem is your marriage, and that there is something wrong with it.  Notice that I did not say there is something wrong with you, just with the marriage.  It takes two people to make a marriage work, and if one checks out and does not want to do the work, then there is nothing the other partner can do about it.

Now before you jump all over me, my ex had an affair.  I took him back, oh woe is me.  Hindsight is great, I should have booted the bum out.  I had two more children with him, and I moved into a battered womens' shelter.  The fabulous thing to come out of that marriage is my three children. 

And I have me back

Presently, I am the other woman. Is it about all about me and what I want?  No, it is not. I have had many conversations with my lover, and now the decision is up to him.  And I do give a damn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's not your "lover". He's someone else's husband that you are having sex with. And if you truly gave a damn, as you put it, you would at the least stop seeing him until he was divorced.

 

It amazes me how anyone whose been cheated on could even consider being the "other woman/man". And then justify it while still resenting their ex for cheating! That's so very hypocritical & pathetic. But of course, it's always different because it's them.

 
October 30, 2006, 8:22 am CST

Been There

I have been married for 4 years, but have been with my husband for 7 years.  I worked in a government facility and I became friends with a married man.  I was unhappy with some things in my marriage that my husband wouldn't fix.  I needed someone to talk to.  Wrong answer!  I shouldn't have made a male friend.  You just don't mix opposite sex when you are married.  I began to become infactuated with the man and I kissed him.  As soon as I did this horrible feeling came over me.  I stopped the infidelity right there.  I never told my husband.  He saw my cell phone bill and he began finding out what was going on.  I continued to lie about everything,and he thought I had actually had a full fledge intimacy with the man.  He thought we had sex!  No way.  That didn't happen.  I am 23 years old, but my husband is almost 40 and he has an ex-wife and two teenage girls.  I've been through alot with all of that too.  Anyways, my husband has never treated me bad.  He is a very honest man and he even cleaned for me the whole time we have been together.  I screwed up.  I should've confronted the man.  My husband cheated on me for his so-called revenge and it hurt very bad.  I actually walked in my home and saw the girl lying naked and asleep in my bed.  The even worse thing was she was 4 years younger than me and that was last year.  I am having a hard time getting through, but it is possible if you really love the person and you give it your all.  Both people have to realize what they have done wrong and admit it.  Then you have to forgive yourself and the other person from your heart.  Once you have accomplished that, then you have to control your thoughts and your mouth.  You will want to last out on the past and things like that, but if you want your relationship to work then you have to let that go because you have already forgiven yourself and the other party.  Once you truly forgive someone or something then you are supposed to bury it and leave it behind.  It' s hard to start over, but it can be accomplished.  I promise.  It will take time, love, patience, control, and always GOD!  I can probably help and give advice to someone who is going through this.  There is more to my story, but it would take 20 full typed pages for me to tell all of the details of what I went through and my husband during and now 1 year later after all the madness.

 

Keep Strong!

 
October 30, 2006, 8:43 am CST

7 Year Affair

Quote From: ben2006

My wife had a 7 year long affair that I found out over a year ago.

We moved near her lover because she was going to continue to work with him. That did not work out. But when repairing his machine I found emails of a sexual nature from her to him.

I confronted her she said it only happened once. I did not believe it because part of her job was to travel around the country with him. After swearing on my daughters life that it was only one time she finally confessed in therapy that is was more than once.

I am trying to make it work but I am having difficulty. I always thought she was truthful now I know she is a lier

I want it to work out but I cannot get over how long this went on and how she kept lying to me.

She says she loves me and wants to work it out, but I think that is because he does not want his family to know so he has dropped her like a hot potato.

Any advice?

Your wife had her cake and was eating it too for 7 long years.  She obviously doesn't respect you and never has, and I think you realize that.  That is why you can't get over it.  I went through something similar but the affair wasn't for that long.  One thing I did realize is if you can't find a way to get that trust back, then there really is no hope.  I tried to make it work and we nearly ended up putting each other in a mental institution.  

 

I can't tell by your letter if you have children together but if you do, please don't "stay together for the kids".  You are  doing them no favors.  Children are very perceptive and they know what's going on whether you think they do or not.

 

Since you want to work it out, I suggest staying in therapy and dealing with the mistruths and how to get past them.  You might want to also find some self-help classes for your self-esteem.  If you manage to boost that, you might be able to deal with the lies or leave much easier.

 

Good Luck!

 

 

 
October 30, 2006, 8:52 am CST

My situation is so close like yours. READ!!!!!!

Quote From: jade1980

I am currently in the middle of a divorce and am very confused on where my life stands. I am a 26-year-old mother of two (ages 5 & 3). I previously married my High School sweetheart and after a son & 1 1/2 years of marriage I filed for a divorce. He was extremely abusive and an alcoholic. It was very easy for me to walk away from that marriage and have no regrets. I married my husband within a year of my divorce. We have been married for almost 4 years now and have a daughter together. He also was married prior for 13 years and has two teenagers from his ex. Let me also add that my husband is 16 years older than I. He is pretty set in his ways and there is NO room for change with him. He has basically said from the start of our marriage that "if I didn't like it, there's the door." About a year and a half into our marriage I had heard that phrase one too many times and left. I moved into my parent's house and within a few weeks had started dating someone else. I ended up coming back home after a month or two and trying to start fresh, Tony doesn't hold this over my head so much since he had repeatedly told me to go. It was basically same old same old arguments and I left again. I went to my parent's again, but within a couple weeks was back home thinking I was going to work it out with my husband. Within a week of being home and trying to make things ok, I left, moved in with another man (friend of a friends) which in turn became an affair. MY husband filed for a divorce during that time, but started raking me over the coals about our daughter & custody. He basically begged me to come home and I agreed, as I wanted too also. It has been over 2 years and I live this every day of my life. I should add that I take medicine daily for bipolar disorder, which wasn't found until I had the affair. My husband was the one who pointed out the problem and who I though understood it as he researched a lot about it. After signing off on our first filing for a divorce, he filed again in April of 2006. We are still living together, etc. but I am the most depressed person ever! He knows how I am feeling and basically has told me it's a straight convenience marriage. I do love my husband and for the last 6 months have been busting my butt to show him. I have told him twice now that I would leave and he tells me just enough to keep me during that time. His ex also had and affair as well as a prior serious ex girlfriend and his Mother who has since passed away. My husband's Sister also just had an affair and is in the process of a divorce. My husband has told me that I am getting it 10 fold from all of the other affairs that he has suffered through and never dealt with. I would love for us to try to make this work, but he just tells me give it time and it MAY work, but no promises. I almost feel like I owe him time, yet feel I cannot pay for my mistakes forever. I know I will probably get bashed by many of you and I understand that, but I would love outsiders opinions on this.

 

Deeply Depressed in Indiana

I am 23 years old.  My husband is also 16 years older than I am.  He will be 40 in January.  I know what you mean by being set in their ways.  He is very much that.  He is not mean.  But we disagree on things everyday because he has been through this world alot more than I have, especially by him being in the military.  I made a male friend and it led to a kiss.  After the kiss, I made everything stop.  I didn't have a physical affair with sex, but with a kiss.  I did have an emotion affair, because my husband has an ex-wife of 11 years and he also had two teenage daughters, they are ages 12 and 15.  I've been through alot of crap with the ex-wife.  You probably know where I am coming from.  My story is long, but I will make it short.  If you would like to talk to me then I will tell you more in detail and try to help you.  It would take me 20 pages to tell all the details.   Which do help because you can compare. I lied to my husband and he found my cell bill.  He had a physical affair on me two months after he had found out for revenge.  I never knew.  He told me almost a year later.  He wanted me to know because he wanted to show me how it felt.  The night he told me I left and took our 3 year old son with me to my parents house.  I lived with them for a month.  The thing was that  my husband told me he cheated but he said it was a one time thing.  So, while I was living with my parents, I went to my home and found out different.  There is alot to that there.  I won't discuss it unless you ask me to.  It would take me about 30 lines just for details and that doesn't even include how I feel and how he justified it.  And the big blow up with the mistress who was 4 years younger than me and worked at Hooters!  Anyways, I lied to him about the little i did for over a year.  I told him the whole truth when I lived at my parents.  He wanted a divorce because he didn't think we could make it through because I used to verbally abuse him and he went through a pow wow with his ex-wife.  He was really wanting it to work because he was getting older and had been through hell for the past 11 years with hs ex-wife.  He didn't want to die old and lonely.  He knew he had to do something.  he didn't want to live miserably for the rest of his life, just so that he could be married.  Anyways, we got back together.  We moved from TN to KY because of the military and it has been alot better.  It has been hard, but better by moving away from the turmoil and the parties involved including his ex-wife., but bad for his two girls.  They are special to me and I do love them.  Well, you can ask me questions if you like.   I have tons more to say but i would be typing all day long.  Good Luck!  Hang on if you really want it to work.  don't do it just for the kids.  Kids will heal but it takes time and love from both parents.  Forgive but you never forget.  you only forgive someone if you mean it 100% from your heart.  Once you forgive someone you are supposed to let it all go and that is after you have discussed and got everything out in the open that needs to be in order for your life to go on smoothly after that.

 
October 30, 2006, 9:51 am CST

cheating disasters

 I read these posts, and have to shake my head. My first husband was abusive and a cheater. He died. I married again two kids and nine years he cheated. 11 yrs later i know  has had an emotional affair at the least. I  have my own baggage, but i also love with all of me. I am faithful,and giving. my fam come above everything. The hurt over the years has been increadable. I finally deceided that i deserved to be truly loved., so i deciced to love me. meadeochore wasnt good enough any more.  It seems there is no accountabibality any more. only excuses. I have a saying that i believes pertains to every situation in life. Life is not a me thing, but a we thing.
 
October 30, 2006, 9:53 am CST

wandering weenies

a lot of affairs start out as just friends .. if he really had loved his wife and was committed to her  this wouldn't of happened..men and women can actually be just friends!   he was probably tired of getting beat up by this  bipolar crazy woman, he needs to leave and get help for his kids, too before she hurts them and leave the other woman alone who he dragged into the whole drama scene;  leave .... before you get hit with the rolling pin again.

 
October 30, 2006, 9:57 am CST

other woman

Quote From: tacobell30

Men that cheat don't always tell the "other woman" they're married, either.  My physician never wore a ring, and one day he asked me out.  I was flattered and ended up dating him.  Prior to anything ever happening I asked his marital status to be sure - I didn't need nor want to be involved in that sort of mess.  He lied.  When I discovered he was married I confronted him and told him not to EVER contact me again.  I thought about calling his wife, but I felt like it would be cruel to do that to her.  If he wanted to hurt her, then that was his business - I wanted no part in it.  As many times as he was gone from home, she was bound to know - or maybe she just didn't want to know.  The ironic thing is Dr. Jerk  and I had conversations about fidelity and it's importance.  I wish I never met him.  He not only hurt me deeply, he betrayed his family.
 what a jerk. i believe in carma. he will get his.
 
October 30, 2006, 10:05 am CST

10/31 Cheating Disasters

Quote From: edsmom1017

Never used the message boards before - hope it works. I am living with this situation now.  My husband of 6 years has recently had a one year affair.  He moved in with this person and only stayed a week and I allowed him to come back home.  However, he signed a lease with this person for a year and now we are paying 1/2 of her rent every month. I thought I wanted him back home but the financial burden it has put us under is not allowing me to move past this at all.  I am paying her rent because I am fortunate enough to have a larger income.  I have taken on a second job, he says he is trying to find a 2nd job; however, after 3 months, nothing.  I have health issues and the stress of all this is really taking its toll on me.  I wish I could just walk away, but he has an 8 year old that lives with us and if I leave, he'll lose the house and I am worried about what it would do to our son.  His mother died when he was 7 months old and I have been his mom since he was 1 1/2 years old.  I am curious to see how Dr. Phil addresses this situation.  I need answers and I don't know how to get them. 
 people have accountability to themselves and other. how accountable has he been to u and the kids. and how truthful has he really been.
 
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