Topic : 12/26 Cheating Disasters

 Noelle,

I watched you on DR Phil today and am writing to tell you that I feel your pain and that there is life after an affair.  My husband hadan affair over 10yrs ago and I can tell you that what you are feelingis quite normal.  I had a similar reaction as you.  I was angry.  I though we had a perfect marriage and a I great family. I didn’t think he could ever do this to us.  I was hurt. I made him leave our home and our children were devastated.   

This changed our life together. We knew we loved each other and we had a family together that we wanted to raise them together.  We made ourselves talk to each other. We started these talks at our home but soon realized that we needed to do this in public.  We made adate every Friday night.  We went to a coffee shop late at night, sat in a corner across the table and talked. While in public we were not going to yell.  We had to HEAR each other.  I believe this made all the difference.   

 There were many things that came to the surface and we both realized that the affair was more of a symptom of the problem and not the “real” problem.  He had the affair because other things were wrong in our marriage.  Once we were willing to deal with the rea lissues, our marriage started to heal.  Next year, we will celebrate our 25th anniversary.  We really do have a wonderfu lmarriage today.  There is no question.  We talk more, laugh more and enjoy each other more.  We love to be together and our children are happy.  
 
The affair was a devastating thing to deal with.  I felt so betrayed and it took a long time  to be able to trust again. It would have been much “easier” to end the marriage then it was to put it back together but, it  was so worth it.  Our love for each other is deeper and our relationship is extraordinary.  I will never say that the affair made our marriage better because I truly believe if we were honest with each other in the beginning and didn’t take each other for granted to start out with, it would have been avoided, altogether.

I could tell he loves you.  He is hurting too.  Now, it is time to shut-up and listen.  There is no guarantee  that this will not happen again and you have choices.  You can end it now because it is hard. Or you can stand up, brush yourself off, and figure out what really happen.  Your marriage will be better for it.  You love for each other will grow deeper than you ever thought possible and your children will have much better relationships because they become more tolerant of others from your example.   You really have nothing to lose.  You have already lostit!  Now it is time to reach out for what you really want.        

 I watched as the woman talked about the " whore " her husband had an affair with. That anger was ME 3 years ago on Nov 3rd the good - faithful - honest life that I knew ended. A phone call to our home was my way of finding out about the affair SHE & MY HUSBAND were having. Did I blame her -- no way -- he was 100% responsible.  My husband & I had also lost a child ( get this -- she and our daughter had the same name ! ) I told my therapist that the deep betrayal and hurt I felt was worse than loosing our child --- Dr Phil may not agree but when we lost our daughter, we clung to each other - we stood by each other and overcame the odds of divorce after loosing a child --and those odds are staggering. I also felt our wedding vows had been ripped to shreds. My husbands " lover " was 20 years younger and a stripper. I have forgiven but I will ( can't ) forget. Was it a mid-life crisis ? Didn't I give him what he needed ? As the first woman said -- her self esteem - self worth -- you name it -- was distroyed. I know exact;y how she feels. Now, that being said, I want her to know it will be ok someday. I don't want to see this couple get a divorce --I had 34 years invested in my marriage - they have 20. The audience seemed to be happy when Dr. Phil told the man to get away from the rage - well, he should have seen me in action. Our children were older - but our sons comment to his Dad would be " so, how's the ( name of the town she lived in ) whore -- have you been to see her strip lately ?  This wasn't her first affair either -- probably not her last. I told my husband that I should have FOOL tattooed on my forehead -- but he knows he was the biggest fool of all. I hope and pray for the best for them.

I watched the show today and it brought back all the emotions again.  In October, 2004, I found out that my husband had been unfaithful, again.  I KNOW that my husband has commited adultrey twice and cannot stop wondering how many more times.  He says he wants our marriage.  We decided that I would become a stay-at-home mom, so, I cannot afford a divorce.  It is very hard to continue in this marriage.  He travels every week and I don't know what he's doing.  When he comes home, we are never intimate.  We have been married 21 years.   Dr. Phil promised Noel help and support.  I need that, too!  My husband told me that I am useless and worthless.  I am so emotionally bruised and full of unresolved anger.  It's been 2 years, but it feels like yesterday.  It's very hard to continue daily.

I agree.  My best friend of 17 years slept with the guy who I most loved in my life, but I had only known him a short while, so I blamed her more.  Because she knew what this could do to me, and he didn't have a shadow of an idea.  He and I weren't officially commited anyway.  But it has affected me for life, losing both in one night.  I have rage that resurfaces every so often from it.  But Noelle needs to face reality.  That woman has no obligation to her or her family, she doesn't know what the woman is like.  I got involved with a married man once because we'd known each other 3 years and had just begun to be involved romantically when I found out he was married.  He hung out with our crowd and was in a band.  Not once in three years did I ever see him with his wife or know she existed.  He wasn't a player either.  It was something that happened.  He assumed I knew the whole time he was married since I knew him, his brother, his friends, but since his wife wasn't part of his life except at home, I had no idea.  He eventually ended up divorcing, but after we had stopped sleeping together, which was brief (because I found out he was married).  We remained friends, which is what we really were to begin with.   I think when people are young, you have to expect that many of their unions won't last.  But with mature couples with children, it's another ballgame.  In my experience,  men will keep their marriage and their girlfriends if he can.

 Sometimes, I feel like an "armchair therapist" yelling at the TV, just like a football spectator, with the advice that I wish Dr. Phil would give.

He should have totally called that second woman on her baloney (softening my language, cuz I don't want to offend  the message board moderators). How many times did she use that word "abuse?" Someone else on this board is esssentially saying the same thing I am. I will go one step further, and say that she is flat-out trying to shift the blame from her rickety, nasty shoulders to his. I think this woman is manipulating the audience and Dr. Phil by dropping the A-word, and trying to get out of taking responsibility by claiming abuse.

Dr. Phil gave that woman a pass, like he has with many people who deserved to get a huge metaphorical slap in the face and shown a mirror to see their ugliness.

 

I think it's time for Noelle to get a grip on things.   Based on her actions since this affair she seems like a crazy, out of control nut case.  Being mad I can understand, being hurt I can understand, hating the "other woman" I can understand.  But, reclaim your dignity and handle this like an adult!

You are still letting this "other woman" control your life!  Do you WANT her to have that kind of power???  She's still in control of ruining your marriage - and she's not lifing a finger to do it - she has you for that!  And then you have to remember the damage you are doing to your own children - I cannot even imagine hurting my children as you are hurting yours.  If this doesn't stop NOW - those children need to be removed from the situation so no more damage is done to them.

I am not just a judgemental viewer who has no idea what Noelle is going through.  I lived through this 23 years ago - while I was pregnant with our 2nd son.  And I definately didn't handle it like this!  My husband moved out of our house when our son was just a few weeks old and moved in with his sister.  Our 3 year old told another family member "Daddy doesn't live here .  He doesn't love us anymore."  I never told him that - and I made sure to correct him.  I told him, "No matter where your daddy lives I want you to remember that he will ALWAYS love you and be your daddy." 

Luckily, through lots of hard work our marriage survived and we will soon be celebrating our 28th weddind anniversary.

What kind of character he is - as you said - depressed, low self-image, unloving, etc - I don't think that he is at fault here. The root of this is your daughter's unfaithfulness.

 

Because of her adultery it made her husband who he is now. She broke his heart.

 

If your husband was cheating on another woman, I believe you will be angry as well. Everyone has different ways to express that anger.

 

I know that as a mother, you will love your daughter more than him and that you will support her. But if you are trying to make excuses to make her cheating right. You will demoralized your own daughter and she will always do that next time whenever she can't handle a relationship.

 

I believe that it is best if you didn't tell him that she's cheating. You should be more sensitive the degree of painfulness knowing that your spouse is betraying your trust.

 

I think he will live better off without your adulterous daughter.  I will tell him "cheater will be cheater" you better find someone who really loves you of who you are.

Hi Deeply Depressed in Indiana,

 

I believe when you cheat - the relationship will not be the same anymore. Cheating destroys trust. Trust is the hardest thing to build especially in this day and age. So I can't really blame him if he has doubts. No one forgets when their spouse cheated on them.

 

I think you should just move on with him and see where the relationship goes. Let him know that you regret your adultery and that you wont do that again. If he is a good person with a big heart, one day after his hurt heals, he will forgive you. You should be patient and understanding of his situation.

 After being together for 10 years my husband left me for another women without wandering. Our son was married this summer and three days later when I got home from work he had packed up all things he thought were "his" and had them packed and/or locked in the garage and was gone. I was devistated and lost, i had no idea what had happened we had been getting along wonderfully. Then I found out why he left, he had been seeing another women, one we went to high school with, and because I was leaving my job to be home more he had to get out before that could happen. At first I was in shock because I had no idea what was going on and he told me it was all me, that I was the problem. WRONG. It was him but when he told me that this was something that he had to do for himself to figure out what he wantedand needed I believed him. And why shouldn't I for the past 10 years he was my life, my sercurity, my stability and noe that is gone. Now I am just plain angry and want to yell and scream at him but he has not even tried to contact me about anything except to want more out of the house which he is not going to get. He abandon me and the house and if he wants to be with a sk--- w----- home wrecker I have to live with that. It will take a long time before I will ever trust or believe another man thanks to him. Although I have been in love with this man for 29 years right now I hate him.