Topic : Tired of Being Single

I'm a 40-year old guy, wheelchair bound. I would like to have a relationship but women are very reluctant because of the chair. I can imagine that, but it's hard to deal with. On the other hand i'm scared of getting into a relationship because I am scared of the physical intimacy (my body had a lot to endure from the numerous surgeries I had).

How can I get to terms with that?

Jo

I am 23 years-old, and recently found a job through a summer youth program. I work at a food bank. This is where I met a guy I will call "Joe." Joe and I have been flirting, but the last few days it kind of wound down. I could see it in his eyes that he was thinking about not starting a relationship with me. He told me to give it time several weeks ago, and so I figured that I was being paranoid about the look in his eyes, because I am self-conscious. I am upset because I have been very distrustful of relationships, and then I meet "Joe," who is good looking, intelligent, and nice. I have lost a lot of respect for him, as he had none for me. Instead of talking with me privately, he had a conversation with other co-workers behind my back, then had another guy "Ben" tell me that he wasn't interested in a relationship. Am I disappointed, yes; do I respect his wishes? Definately. My problem, is that either a guy flirts, but doesn't ask me out; other guys only make comments about my body, so I avoid relationships with them (most times). I haven't dated in 2 years; my last date broke up with me the day after Valentine's Day, and I have never had an actual boyfriend, though my younger sisters and brother have had long term relationships. I am wonder, what am I doing wrong? What am I supposed to do to attract a good looking, intelligent, and nice man. What is wrong with me?

Eve, never try to change into something you are not. Be your true self. If guys don't like that, it's their problem not yours. They miss out on a good person. Please stay your authentic self.

Jo-

Hi ya,

I'm 23 too and am in the same position as you, single.   I have yet to even have been asked out not to mention go on a date. I'm fine with that now, but you know for a while I struggled with that.  I tried to tear myself apart then tear the guys that showed intersted apart to see what I was lacking.  Then I discovered that it was me being me.  I, myself, wasn't lacking anything.   The guys in my life loved me for me but not in the way I wanted them to.  So I tried changing things to make myself the girl they wanted.  And they did flirt more but that was all.  So I stepped back and began looking at who I wanted to be.  And it's really helped.  I know before I ever get in a relationship I want to be secure in my money management skills.  I also wanted to travel and I knew I might not find a person who wanted to do the same thing so I'm doing it alone or with friends.  The great part is I haven't had time to worry about them.  And if I find him in my single life goals then that will be great.  I know I haven't really answered the question about they guy with whom you're having troubles, but basically all I can say is just back off.  I wouldn't even be his friend friend for a while.  If you do that.. it will build mystery and you will become something he can't have.  And trust me the only man that deserves you is the man willing for fight for you.  He will be so much better than any flirtious fling.

Keepin single and happy,

Rach-e

First and foremost, I think women might feel reluctant in coming close to you, because you yourself are reluctant in letting them come close.

You have to accept that you are who you are. Make sure you get all the facts straight about the physical intimacy part, by consulting a doctor whom you trust so your thoughts are correct and not just based on your feelings of anxiety.

I personally believe that sure, seeing a man (or woman) in a wheelchair might 'scare' people at first (if you even can call it scaring), but it's all about how the one in the wheelchair is behaving that will either subdue the scare or make it worse and you'll never see that person again.

If you have a good outlook on life, if you are totally happy with yourself, if you feel you still live a fullfilled 100% good life even though you cannot use parts of your body, than THAT is what you will shine from your heart.

People are drawn to positivity. Trust me on that. People are not drawn to others who have doubts, who have fears that block them from being who they truly are.

Just try that and see how that goes. It's an uphill battle, but like with every mountain, once your at the top, it's going to be an easy ride down the mountain and home again!

Petra

It is so important to be who you are and love yourself as you are.  That doesn't mean that you can't change things about yourself that YOU want to change.  You should never change things about yourself in order to make someone else happy or to make them desire you.  You should want someone to love you as you are and not something that they want you to be.

Are there things about yourself that you would like to change or improve because it will make you feel better?  I recently joined a gym because I wanted to drop some weight and tone up.  I am doing this to make myself happy and feel better about my appearance.  There is nothing wrong about looking your best and feeling good about yourself.  Get a new hairstyle, get a new outfit or get your nails done.  Do something for you.

You will find that people are attracted to confidence.  If you are feeling good about who you are and are confident about who you are and what you believe in, it will be noticed.  If you have never seen the movie "Runaway Bride" with Julia Roberts, I would suggest it.  She was always trying to mold who she was to each person she was with and realizes that she can't truly love anyone until she knew who she was and could love herself.

Let us know how you are doing.

Thank you Petra,

Every word you say is absolutely true. I think very good about myself in every other field, and people feel that i am very happy. But you're right: when it comes to approaching women (with other intentions than just some smalltalk) that feeling gows down the drain. I surely have to work on that.

Jo