Topic : Tired of Being Single

Hi, 

I'm 30 year old girl. I've had two shortterm relationships, which wasn't that successful. The guys turned out to be pretty selfish people. I realized that I had to work on my selfconfidence, and have done so through help of some wonderful books (i'm still not finished there is always something). 

My question for you "out here" is how do I meet or pick out the nice guys from the not so nice once? And also how to to start talking to guys at a parties or social events (what is the icebreakers)? 

Thanks for your time/ Feliss 

Hi, 

I read your article, and I would like to respon to your answere. 

I've also done the internet-thing and it hasn't really worked out for me. There are some guys who just want sex, and there are some who just doesn't know at all what they want (even if they claim they do). I'm 30 years by the way.  

At bars some guys are just out to have a one night stand, and stupid as I was a few years ago fell for that thinking this guy really likes me. What a fool I was.  

The thing is I still go out with friends to social events not so much to find the guy for me. I go out just to see other people and have a good time with my friends. There guys who just want to have a conversation with girls (even if they are very rare). 

I don't know your lifecircumstances, and I'm truly glad that you have friends that you feel comfortable and supported by. Don't give up, you might meet a guy who you feel comfortable with (the one for you) when you least expect to. Just don't hide away from them (guys) completely.  

I try to enjoy life, and work to develop myself, and not to do to much commercial, but Dr Phils book "selfmatters" is good, and also Gary Zukav's book "Seat of the soul". 

  

Take care, I wish you all the best. 

Feliss 

I'd have it on all the time and teach it to everyone.  That would tend to make more guys act nice, because they'd be so easy to spot and we'd call them on it.  They'd either clean up their act, or slide away.   

Working on your self confidence is great.  You're right, there will always be things along the way to shake us up and it gets difficult to trust that we're actually confident, able, and not crazy...  mostly. 

Meeting guys is easy when you're already at a social.  Men love to be met.  Friendly smile, say hi and ask if they're having a nice time.  Not easy maybe, scarey, eek, but you know...they're as nervous as we are.  Ask how they know the host... who you might know in common, how they like the band...who did they arrive with.  Short meeting, friendly...la la la, no sweat here and then mingle around.   Go meet others the same way, men and women.  It's good practice for boosting your confidence, you don't focus so much just on the men, and one of those ladies may have arrived with her handsome cousin. 

Confidence in yourself, that you are able to take care of yourself, will make it easier to tell who is good and who is bad for you.  Trust that you are okay and don't desperately need a man, right now, means there's no need to accept a man who doesn't fit into the basic picture of the kind of man you want.  

Self-confidence makes it easier for us to tell people what we want, and to stick up for ourselves.  Unacceptable behaviors we choose as a deal-breakers, what we are not willing to negotiate, those things want to be addressed soon as they come up.  Those selfish men were probably selfish right from the start.  Early in relationships we tend to forgive behavior that isn't cool... we think it's cute, he's mad, he means this, he means that....  Call him on it, ask him what he means right there and say how it affects you.   

You can't spot the good ones from the bad ones just by looking, and first impressions can suck.  Some of the best people you want to know give a not-so-good first impression.  Communication is key.  I think it's good advice to really listen to people, to the words they choose.  I tend to believe people when they tell me what kind of people they are.  Not right off the bat at first meeting, but when a new friend is constantly 'forgetting' to return calls, or is often late... talk to them about it and they blow you off with something like, 'oh, I'm not really very good at that kind of thing...'.  Take that literally, that they really aren't very good at being considerate and 'that sort of thing'.  

  

     

Hi! 

  

I've been working on my selfconfidence, but I'm not finished with that work yet. I've read your advice and printed them out just to have them to look at once in a while and to remind myself.  

I've realized that I've been far to nice against people and ignored my own needs and feelings (because I've thought that I haven't been worthy of love and aloud toexpress my needs). And off course as Dr Phil once said "You teach people how to treat you" and I've probably teached people that it's ok to walk all over me. Have you had similar experience? 

I'm learning now slowly to start telling people my needs and teach them that it's not ok to treat me in a disrespectful way. I've also slowly started to look how "new" people that I meet are behaving. Old inlearned ways of thinking are difficult to break, but I'm determined to change and get stronger in my selfconfidence. So thank you once again for your wisdom. 

Love/ Feliss 

I'm a single woman by choice however I still long for the meaningful relationship every woman wants. THE ONE! I have numerous dates and numerous interested guys that want an actual relationship, however I find myself finding something wrong with them. Looking at myself I'm a hard worker with a great job I love my independence I don't think there's a person in this world I would call a stranger. I'm a very open and warm hearted individual. In this life I want a mate with the same traits and found a few but they somehow don't measure up to all aspects. Is 3 out of 4 a good thing...Should I settle....Or the golden question should I hold out for that one that sweeps me off my feet. But when is the sweeping going to start? That leaves me with this: Is there something wrong with me?

When I read your message it reminded me of something Dr. Phil told a guest on his show this week. It was the show about people who are convinced they are right about something. It was the 30 year old man who was holding out for his perfect soul mate.  Dr. Phil said if you can find someone who fits 80% of what your are looking for and there are no deal breakers that is pretty good and you can grow to love the other 20%.  I think he was trying to get the guest to realize that if he holds out for the perfect match he may never find her and may have passed up being with someone who he could have loved. He has also said recently that we really don't want people exactly like us.  That would be pretty boring. This may just give you a little different way of looking at some of the people you meet. 

Hi Feliss,  

it's so true that we teach people how to treat us.   I have had exactly the same experience with people who I thought were selfish, immature, and thoughtless.   When I was a kid I learned not to be selfish, not to complain, not to be demanding, not to act as if I were the center of the universe.   We didn't talk about feelings or problems we were having... you take care of it yourself and come back when you're happy.  It kinda got screwed into a pattern that my emotional and personal needs always seemed to come last.   

I had no self confidence in personal relationships.   I didn't choose people, people chose me...or not.   That's how it seems when I think back now, and when things got nasty I would leave. 

Long story.   Working on self confidence isn't easy, but the tools you learn are little miracles.  Telling someone I was upset with them because....(whatever), was so hard the first time.   Practice builds even more confidence and courage to speak up.   The learning was slow for me as well; maybe not so much the actual learning as the practicing of it.   

Please don't feel badly because you think you treated people too well.  When you treat people well it reflects that you're kind, considerate, interesting, caring, honest...all those great things and more.  Don't be sorry, don't stop treating other people well, don't change that about yourself.       

When we boost our self-confidence it starts a falling domino effect; it makes us treat ourselves better, we're confident enough to share more of ourselves with others, and that attracts people who are more the way we are.   I also believe it makes us better freinds for the good friends we can now weed out from the crowd.  

Good luck, don't loose that determination.   You said it, old inlearned ways are difficult to break, but you're not going to miss them one bit when they are gone.   We do teach others how we want to be treated.  Learn how that is by practicing the tools for building your self-confidence, because in practicing them you are also teaching yourself how you want to be treated.   Treat yourself with respect, forgive yourself and promise yourself this change, show yourself the love... :).    

     

   

  

I'm happy to hear (not that you have had as hard time as I have) but that I'm not crazy or stupid for being naiv, kind and have let people use me/ my kindness. It's a relief to here that I'm not the only one having this experience, if you know what I mean? 

I'm going to "stand my ground", even if some people trying to give me a bad conscience for having my boundaries and not letting them walk all over me. I also agree that I teach myself how I want to be treated. Selflove is not really that hard, it's probably more about having the courage and belief that we are worthy and loveable. 

Anyway, thank you for being so nice and supportive. 

Love/ Feliss 

Hi Dr. Phil Fans 

I am always alone and I am TIRED of it.  I would love to have a group or one or two that I can talk to or do things with or connect with.  I have been single for a long time and in 2003 a lot of tragedies happened in my life and all the life seems to be out of me.  i only go out if I am asked and will hardly ever go to functions alone unless someone is thier that I know and will never sit in an eating place alone.  I am in SC.  Is their anyone who sort of feels this way and would you like to connect? 

Lady di in SC 

hi ! dr. phil, i have been seperated for over three years and now i have bben divorced for more than a year and i really need some help with this one. so if there is anyone out htere than can give good advice do so please. well i think of myself as a good person i am not selfish in any way. i do have custody of my four children and when i tell a woman that i have them all the time they never call me back or anything. why cant i find a good woman is there any more out there left?