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November 26, 2005, 1:23 pm PST
Tired of Being Single
Quote From: enviegirlIs anyone else having any luck out there? I was going to put this in the online dating forum, but it's more than that. I'm just overall tired of being single.
Dr. Phil says not to label yourself as a "freak magnet", but it's really difficult to not have that thought in my head when I attract what my mom likes to call young weirdos or old creeps. My friends even call me a freak magnet because weird men will come up to me completely out of the blue and make sexual suggestions all the time. Here's a favorite of my friends': A male friend and I went apartment hunting once and the man that was showing us the grounds stops walking, turns completely around, looks directly at my chest, and says, "I'll give you $100 off your rent if you jump in the pool right now." This can't be about a target-rich environment, because it doesn't matter where I am, I attract social deviants. College, law office, wedding receptions, the gas station, book store, mall, work, wherever, it doesn't matter. It's a good day if I can go to any kind of crowded gathering and not get felt up.
It's almost so I don't want to get out of the house anymore to look. It's just too depressing. When I signed up for eHarmony, I had so much hope because they claimed that "scientific method" of matching you with someone based on your personality and all that. I thought that I had finally found a way to sort of preview men and see if I was interested in a way that I felt safe. I felt like my heart shattered when I started to get matched to the same type that I attract in public. I don't even get to the communication stages because their profiles tell me enough: one man looking for two or more women to play strip Twister with him, another who's greatest desire is to talk to martians, numerous men that say right in their profile that they are just looking for sex, and the profiles that look like they were written in another language and then run through a really bad translator program (I can't even figure out what they're trying to say). Then there are the pictures in their profiles of women with their hands all over them. I've looked at Yahoo personals, match.com, that one where women recommend ex-boyfriends or single male friends (can't remember the name right off the top of my head), I'm sure there are others. They all seem to be looking for sex.
I haven't been on a date in almost 6 years now. Needless to say I'm tired of being single. I've tried getting out there into activities that I enjoy that would put me around people, even switching jobs, and I've tried the online thing. Somehow I'm not doing something quite right. People seem to get the wrong impression of me. My best friend says that it's because I "ooze sexuality". I am not an outrageous flirt nor do I dress provocatively, I just feel like I'm comfortable in my own skin. I've had men tell me I'm intimidating because of that. Is it really possible that I'm scaring off the nice guys? I can very much relate. I've been having a hard time meeting women too, but for different reasons. I'm a very shy, introverted, quiet guy, however, I'm very smart, and generally your stereotype of a "nice guy". I've been single for about 5 years, done the online sites with no luck, done the bar thing, yadda yadda yadda...basically I'm probably pretty close to your target. So, here's some thoughts...
Firstly, yeah, you're probably not attracting the nice guys. If your friend says you "ooze sexuality" (and based on the previous stories, that may be accurate) you're just not going to attract the nice guys who place sex further down their list of priorities, but you might attract the frat boy lifers...It may not be that these guys are intimidated by you, in fact maybe the opposite. I don't look at those women who are "oozing sexuality" as intimidating, so much as incompatable. I've been impersonating a virgin for 5 years, sex just isn't important to me....so either is the hyper-sexual woman. In fact, I'm attracted to the very opposite...glasses, short, or unstyled hair, little or no makeup, non-designer clothing, etc...I'm not saying unattractive, but a certain style that is a little more in line with my own.
The truth is, I know a fair number of women who "ooze sexuality" (I like that phrase), and I'm just not interested in them, because frankly I know it doesn't work with me.
The majority of people looking for a mate, are looking for someone who is similar to themselves, whether they're aware of it or not. If you're giving the impression that you're hyper-sexualized that's the type of guy you're going to attract. Its not necessarily that you scare off the nice guys, you just don't fit the profile of what they're looking for. Its all based on stereotypes I'm afraid, and fairly common ones. If you fit the stereotype of a sexual person, the guys who aren't as interested in sex, just won't look at you as a potential date.
Then there is the intimidation factor...a lot of nice guys are nice guys because they're somewhat familiar with rejection. They tend to set their sights a little lower, and shoot for someone "in their league" (if you believe in that sort of thing).
Last is the "you" factor. Are you really looking for a nice guy, or do you think you are? I happen to know a lot of women who date jerks, and reject the nice guys, and then wonder why they can't find a nice guy. Ask yourself, is there guys out there that you've rejected, who may have been a nice guy, but you made, or make excuses (he's too short, he's too bald, his eyes aren't the right colour, he's just a friend)? It may be that you unconsciously reject these guys, or that you give signals that push them away (such as not looking at them). Maybe you only give those "go ahead" signals to the jerks. In all honesty, the nicer guys tend not to be the best looking guys. I just know that my friends (many of whom are very sexual in nature) tend to reject potential good guys because they don't have the right look, or the right attitude.
Really the question is are your expectations where they should be? Are you looking for Brad Pitt, but reliable? George Clooney, but with commitment? Jude Law, but faithful? You might need to pick and choose.
Anyways, I hope something in there works, or gives you a jumping off point,
Mucho Luck
Craigles.
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