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Topic : Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

Number of Replies: 722
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:16:34 pm
Author : dataimport
Do you have sexual needs or desires that you're afraid to express? Share your story.

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November 10, 2005, 12:41 pm CST

Why do women use sex like a tool?

I have been married for almost 6 years now and I’m frustrated, depressed and feed up with my marriage and I just don’t know what else to do anymore. It seem no matter what I have tried to do, no matter how I’ve tried to explain myself to my wife, It never seem to matter or to last (she may change her ways, but in a week or month she right back to doing it again).  I’m on the verge of giving up on our marriage which I have tried very hard not to.  But I’m not happy inside, I feel my wife isn’t happy either, but I also feel she doesn’t want a divorce because it would mean she would have to get a job. 

  

  

  

Anyway… Here is some background and why, I feel the way that I do…  

  

  

  

I meet my wife several years ago on the internet.  We long distance dated for about a year, when I decided to move here to her state and really date in person.  At the time she was separated, from her ex like I was and we were both in the process is getting a divorce.  She had two children with her ex and we were planning on having one together as she moved in with me later that year after our divorces were final. At the beginning of the next year we were married and had our son within days apart, and worshipped the ground she walked on. And this is where things fell apart..  

  

  

  

The first night we were back from the hospital with our son,  She told me she was going to sleep down stair so that our son wouldn’t wake me at night… I thought that was thoughtful and went to bed… Well… a few days turned into a few weeks and then months and then years.  She refused to sleep with me after that, every once in a great while she would lay down with me at night until I fell asleep but that was about it… I would ask her to come to bed with me, and even begged her to.. but she refused to, At first she used the excuse of “I don’t want the baby to wake you” to later.. “This is my only time to myself, when everyone is asleep”.  Nothing worked… I even tried sleeping on the hard concrete floor myself, but then I never got in real sleep.  I would go to bed at night and wondering why doesn’t my newly wed wife want to sleep with me? What have I done? Did I do anything to offend her? Was I not loving enough? I still don’t know to this day the real reason. 

  

  

  

Because of our sleep habits now, our sex life fell apart, It became a “quickie” here and there. But only when she was in the mood.  If I tried to start something most of the time she would tell me no or she wasn’t in the mood. Or make up a million excuses. After years of this, I just stop trying. (even now) 

  

  

  

During this time my wife also became very controlling over me.  At first I wasn’t allowed to spend any money without her permission, later she just took my ATM card and Credit Cards away. Saying that I spent too much money, but the only money I was spending was buy gas for my car, and I did the shopping for our house hold. She “told” me that I didn’t need any friends, that her friends were my friends.  She didn’t want to meet anyone I worked with, refused to go to the company Christmas parties, etc. Refused me to meet with my old school friends when we were on vacation in my home state. Told me not to deal with the kids, that was her job.   

  

  

  

When we first got together, I offered to cook, mainly because I enjoy it, and I really do, But soon after that I ended up taking over more and more of the house work because if I didn’t do it.. It simply never got done.   

  

  

  

Every time when we would fight she would threaten “divorce” every time when she didn’t get her way.  I really didn’t want a divorce, so I would always back down.   

  

  

  

In our 3rd year of marriage, in one of the many fight that we had, I told her that I no longer felt married, because you never sleep with me anymore, And sex, what is that? Heaven forbid that I have needs and wants and feelings. 

  

  

  

Anyway, after that fight some things did change a little, She did start sleep with me, but our 3 year old son was in the middle of us now. And no matter how hard I tried to get her to put him in his own bed she refused to.. It was like she wanted him there, so that we wouldn’t do anything. This went on for another year until our son wanted to sleep in his own bed. Then she would bounce between the bed and the couch… A lot of the times she would fall asleep on the couch watching TV or a movie and I would wake her up to go to bed. But it was a real fight trying to get her to wake up enough to get to bed. Once she was in bed, she would complain that she is wake now and can’t sleep, So she would either watch TV in bed or get up and be up for the rest of the night and then want to sleep all day the next day. 

  

  

  

By this point, I had to ask her for money for simple thing like gas for my car and lunch. When I did our weekly shopping at the store, She would give me her ATM card and expected the receipt and her card after I got back. I did most if not all of the house work and all of the yard work. I was forbidden to have any friends or to invite people over. Every time I suggested that we do something as a family, like go to the beach or go see a historical sight she would nix the idea.  But she was free to run with her friend, go out gambling, and drinking. She would buy anything for herself and the kids.  

  

  

  

Anyway, about this time last year I started getting feed up with everything. I felt like I was in prison, I had no rights, I couldn’t do anything. And nothing I did made her happy. So I started taking charge again, The first thing I did was get back my ATM card since I was the only one that worked anyway, I felt, I earned the money, I at least have some rights to spend some of it on what I want also. Our fight got worst because I wasn’t backing down now.  She finally threaten “divorce” one too many times and I thought about it for a second and told her, I have tried everything that I can in our marriage to make you happy and nothing has worked. I guess divorce the only way to make you happy. You win. And then we started talking about what we would do in a divorce and started splitting up things, But after a while she realized that she would never see the kids again because she would have to work and then she asked if we could save our marriage.  I told her that, I don’t know.  There are many things that need to be fixed in our marriage before I would feel happy again. She agreed to try and for about a month things were better, but then slid back again. I was beside myself one weekend, and she asked what was wrong, And I told her you’re right back doing the same thing like before, I told her I wanted a divorce that she wasn’t really serious about her actions and stopped trying.  She begged me to stay and I (stupid me) said I would, Then she wanted me to promise that I would never try to leave her, I told her I can’t make a promise like that. 

  

  

  

After that point things really changed for the good for the first real time and even I could see it. But we have had several small set backs and now we’re almost back to the beginning again. She is now sleeping most of the time on the couch again. And what really floors me, She’ll “ask” me to ask her back to bed again when it her under her own free will is sleeping on the couch.  When she does sleep with me she’ll sleep topless which is really unusual for her because she is so paranoid that the kids will catch her. Then she complains because I never try to start anything, I told her why, don’t you start something. In a lot of way, I’m half afraid to start something anymore that she will just push me away again, that she just isn’t in the mood or something else..  

  

  

  

I feel like she only wants me when “she” wants something from me, And then I’m supposed to be good and not want anything else.  I feel abused, and taken advantage of.. But I’m sorry, I’m human, I have human emotions (god forbid a guy with real emotions!), and I have wants and needs (more than just sex).  I want respect, but I don’t feel I get any from wife or my kids.  I’m just at my wits end and I keep coming up with the same question? 

  

  

  

Do I stay for my son and his well being and being as good of a father to him or is my happiness more important? 

  

  

  

If I stay how do I fix my marriage? And more important how to I regain the feeling of trust, passion and romance in my wife?  

  

  

  

If I go, what do I do, I’m thousands of miles from my family and friends. I have no support, no place or anyone to go to.  I’m here totally alone.  I know if I was to leave it would take a while before I could.  

 

All I want, if for my wife to be happy, for my family to be happy and myself.. Is that too much to ask for? 

  

 
November 10, 2005, 1:41 pm CST

Don't settle!

Quote From: elizabetha

Hello im a 36female in a commited relationship for 5yrs and sex is far and few between.  Our sex life has never been all that but it is lots worse now.  I love him dearly and know he is faithfull but he just isnt all that interested.  Leaves me very lonely and always wondering if its something about me even knowing its not.  I do love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him and plan too even with this sad sitution.  Just hoping for that awsome event to take place. 

What about going to a marriage counselor to explore this issue?  Are there any other areas in your relationship that you think need improvement? There may be something unsaid from the past for reasons as to why your sex life isn't "normal."  I know that my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years is also suffering in that area.  We are in counseling and a lot of other things are surfacing.  Would that be an option you and he would consider?
 
November 15, 2005, 2:14 pm CST

Just blurt it out!

Quote From: widget

Here's the thing... 

Throughout my sexual history, i have had what i term "a boring sexlife"! By that i mean it's either missionary, doggy or me riding him. I have only ever had an orgasm once when i was 17... i dont think i've cum since then either. (sorry to be graphic lol) 

Now, i was in a physically violent relationship a few years back and in that time also had my youngest son. Due to the beatings etc, apparently my internal muscles were/are "stressed" which in other words is like saying the elasticity in my muscles isnt there anymore!  I no longer FEEL sex like i used to, its harder for me to be pleased and i feel like im too loose to be able to please him (my partner). He's told me that 'I ROCK'  but here's the kicker - i'm not getting anything out of it!! I'm at a point where i love him so much that i want to experience so many things, sexually speaking, but because of the fact that i've never had any GOOD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES in my life.... i wouldnt have a clue how to ask for it!  My partner's not a "huggy" type of guy or one who shows emotions or sentimentality by any stretch of the imagination - no I LOVE YOU's etc... he gives off the COLD SHOULDER type of personna... but i know he loves me with all his heart and that its just the way his adopted family brought him up.  There's no fourplay, no different positions, no... NOTHING! I give oral, he doesn't, he gets to orgasm/cum and i dont.  Its kinda like he gets and i dont scenario!  I know i'm gaining a bit of weight but i'm trying not to let that affect my thinking. We live some distance away from each other and when i see him, my heart just melts!!  I would love to enrich our sexlife but i have absolutely no idea how to ask with the type of personality that he has. I have tried a couple of things like a sexy nightgown, giving him a massage while hes having a bath... but because of his personality, i have no idea if he even likes it or not cos he DOESNT SAY! 

  

PLEASE... how do i ask for more? How do i spice it up?  I have no intention of 'straying', so thats not even an option.  I would like to go from a BORING and dull past-sex-life... to a ZANY and spontaeneous sexlife with a never ending range of options both sexually and emotionally! I cant just say EAT ME! or CAN U PUT YOUR HAND ON *HERE*.............. that would be too embarrassing.  In essence think of it like this.... WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM! kinda sex life!! (with no excitement or fun/joy in it for me AT ALL!)... how do i ask him for what i want? I KNOW I'M EMBARRASSED at the thought of asking for *whatever* so how do i overcome that one too?   

  

Your advice is eagerly awaited and thanks for reading!  Have a great day!  

Hi there.  I totally understand what you are saying.  It is sooo embarrasing having to say those things to your partner sometimes.  in fact, sometimes it's just impossible.  I have found the best thing to do is have a few glasses of wine (if you do drink, if not, what else relaxes you?) and do something outrageous.  I recently bought a French Maids costume and when my husband got home i met him at the door.  if you do something like that it will get your partner so turned on he will want to try new things with you.  another thing you could do is to tie him up and then just move your body up there.. he will know what to do once you're almost sitting directly on his face.. h ha.  well he should anyway.  there is a possibility that he has had a bad experience in the past with oral sex and this has put him off?  again, if you have couple of drinks and then just blurt out 'so do you love giving oral as much as i do?' and see what he says.   

at the end of the day nothing will change unless you just SAY it.  and to hell with it, because you sound like it's getting you down and it will only get worse if things don't change right? 

p.s don't forget to do pelvic floor exercises to help strengthen those muscles in the tingly areas... :) 

 
November 15, 2005, 2:18 pm CST

5 inches is all good!

Quote From: whattosay

Hi,  

  

Im good fan of Dr. Phills show.. ive been watching this for more than 5 years in the oprah show. How ever i have a head ache like question which could be like a joke for some (undoubtably) but i dont know from whom and where to get answer to them so as the last option i thought i should publish this here. 

  

First of all im 26 years old guy and im a virgin. The reason to be a virgin is that all my friends and my bro and my father (who ive seen in the shower room) have bigger penises and they have girl friends or wives, except me Therefore since there proud of having a bigger penis and they reckons having a bigger penis is related to a man's manhood and women luv to have sex with men with bigger penises and ignors the one with small's. I dont know for what reason, i have a small penis which is about 5 inches long when it's fully erected for this reason i was dicouraged to meet women and sleep with them, cus i thought they gonna laughed at me etc. and i know women talk about whom they have slept with with their girlfriends therefore i thought if the girl talked about it with other women and they talked about this with other men, i was a afriad that i will get socially humiliated.  

There were so many opportunities came to me to have sexual relationships and some are genuine relationships(soul mate type) but i refuse them cus of having a small penis. Becuase of the refusals my friends and work mates starting to doubt that im am a homosexual, whom NOT! so at the moment im dealing with a lot of social psychoogical issues and also at the moment i starting to hate women  (which i never want  to do) 

  

I need some one to help with me regarding this, either Dr Phill or some one whom with expertise ..... Does size of the penis matters to women? If a person has a small penis, it means he doesnt have a women in his life? How can i solve my problem? 

  

Cheers, 

Dillon 

I am a 30 yr old woman and I've had many partners.  5 inches is FINE! 

don't even think about it my friend.  as long as you have good rhythm and don't mind going down there as much as she does... you have absolutely nothing to worry about. 

Get out there and enjoy sex! 

 
November 21, 2005, 7:25 pm CST

help

i need help me and my partner over all have a great sex life other than i want it more than he does and i have ran out of ideas to turn him on so i can get what i want no matter what i do it doesn't seem to work any one have any ideas? i mean i don't want to leave him and i know he feels the same i just need some good ideas on how to get more out of him so it's enjoyable for the both of us...please help
 
November 23, 2005, 10:05 am CST

i agree

Quote From: lisa1004

no we are not married i'm going on 21 he's going on 22 yea he does watch porn and sometimes that makes me unhappy and sometimes i don't care he doesn't do drugs and we really don't drink, he is able to perform he's just not always intrested. he says if we have sex all the time then that makes the relationship just a sexual one. he's a great boyfriend we have alot of fun together. my partner is all about making me happy sometimes he just wants this relationship to be more emotional then just about sex witch is not all that bad, i've worn the cute things u see in the store but he sometimes wants our sex to be like a porno and i have to remind him that i am not a girl ina porno. i know he loves me but i want to be more phisical with him

I agree with the other comments....... None of it makes any sense to me either.  He wants to be emotional with you, physical intimacy is the most emotional thing!  If you love each other, sex should be great for the two of you, enjoy one another and love each other inside and out?  BUT he doesn't want it, but wants to watch Pornos?  Excuse me, but how does that fit into the emotional relationship?  It doesn't and never will.  He needs to realize that he is setting you guys up for failure if he doesn't realize that he making some bad decisions.   

Sit him and down and make him realize that it doesn't make any sense.  Maybe there is something else?  I just don't get it. 

 
November 27, 2005, 10:00 pm CST

Afraid to Ask for What You Want?

Quote From: lost_in_al

Thanks for repling,  

  

She says she want to work things out in our marriage and save it, but here lately her actions have proven other wise.  

  

Its the little things that hurt the most. She'll an issue and turn it around like it was my fault or that I wanted that when in reality I didn't.  A few weeks ago was her birthday, One thing that she has wanted for a while is a flip phone (cell phone), Our contract was up for renewal, so we went shopping online for new phones.  Her best friend just got a new phone and she liked it and the features so she was interested in that one. We found it online, and they were running a buy one get one free deal. She asked me if I like the phone and I said yes, but I really didn't need a camera phone. But that was the one that she wanted, so we bought it.  Then a few days after that (before the phones arrived) she turns the whole thing around and says "Are you happy. I got you the phone you wanted.", I told her no, Its the phone "you" wanted. She does this all of the time.   

 

I give her the free will to do what she wants, But when it comes time for me to want something, she ends up making me feel guility or bad because I want to buy something. It really drive me crazy! 

 

At this point I really don't know how to save my marriage, I honestly don't have anymore deep feeling, I still care for her and her well being, but I've lost the passion and love in my heart, I know that is an awlful thing to say, but its the truth. The problem I have right now, is if I'm going to stay in my marriage, how do I regain those feeling, is it possible? or is it just too late? I have tried in the past to get us into marriage counseling, but she either won't hear of it.  

 

Alot of the times durning the day, shel'll make sexual advances at me, and even get me turned on, and say something like just wait for tonight... When tonight comes, nothing happen.  If I try to return the sexual advance to her, then she'll say something like, the kids are in the house .. its like she can get me all turned on, but I can't do the same.  Its game like this she plays all of the time.   

 

She is a big flirt around men, but I can't even talk to or even look at another woman.. a few years back we went to a canso for my birthday, saw a concert and then gambled for a while, she found the slot machine that she like and then told me that she didn't want me around her while she was on this machine, so I wondered around the casino for a while and found a machine I like and started playing. I started to hitting on the machine and won some, and the gal next to me said great job.  We just started talking while playing the slot machine, I wasn't flirting, just answering her question. Mind you my wife is talking to every guy around her. Anyway after a while, my wife finds me and she see me talking to this gal and has a cow. I left shortly after that.. and swore to myself that I will NEVER go out again.  It ruined my birthday and everything because she just couldn't leave it alone.  She kept bring it up, she acted like, I was going to run off with this gal. 

 

To answer your question, I think to a degree, she does get a thrill out of doing something and then rejecting me or just teasing me. 

 

I'm a very fair minded person, I don't want to get even or cause anyone any pain, all I want is peace, love and happiness. 

 

What do you mean by stop playing the game? Do you mean just ignore her? 

 

Thanks, 

Lost_In_AL 

  

  

It means alot to see that other people go through things like this. I have been with my husband for seven years, been married for almost 3 years. I love him and I know that he loves me. All I have ever wanted is to get married, have a couple kids, settle down, and be happy with someone that I love. Our situations are alot different but the frustration of it all seems similar. We both work full-time,  and deal with the day-to-day issues that married people have. I have to admit that I feel frustrated and at a loss alot of the time. We have no children yet and are not currently trying due to the fact that we are not ready. I feel that I work full-time, do all of the cooking, cleaning and take care of all of our bills. I feel that all he feels like he needs to do is go to work and that is it. I have never witnessed him change a light bulb, unclog a drain, etc....I don't even ask him if he will take the dog out anymore because all I ever got was a huge sigh because he was being inconvenienced. I'll spend the entire day on the weekend cleaning and doing laundry, and cannot get any help. He will not pick up after himself and if it weren't for me the place would look like a tornado went through here in just a couple of days. Because of all of this I have lost my desire to be intimate with him and I feel like I'm taken for granted. He has gotten angry with me because of his need sexually but I have lost that feeling because I'm irritated alot tof the time. I have talked to him several times and I get told that these habits will change, I really want tot have a child but I already feel like I have alot to deal with as it is...sometimes I feel like I just picked up where his mom left off. I love him but I don't know what to do.....thanks for listening....
 
December 1, 2005, 3:43 pm CST

Not to experienced.

Well me and my boyfriend have very high sexual desires towards each other. He is more experienced with different types of foreplay, and positions. I am not to sure of what I all want to try. Yes I have thoughts of what I might like to try. We have talked about this. But I am still unsure, of what to all try. I have been reading different books to get more knowledge. Neither one of us are really into porn. So, it is like I am stuck on what is next.
 
December 2, 2005, 10:17 am CST

Same situation, only reversed...

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years...our sexual appetites could not be more different.  I, like most men, have a high libido, and I love my wife dearly, and want our sexual relationship to be as fun and exciting and intimate as all of the other aspects of our relationship. However, I simply cannot broach this subject with my wife without her becoming angry, insulting me (calling me a pervert, etc), and getting very, very defensive.  We have sex, on average, once a month (if that), and it is not passionate or exciting, it's simply the one time that my advances finally meet little resistance.  My wife has NEVER initiated sex with me.  We are young (29), active, healthy, attractive people...it makes no sense to me.  It's almost as if my wife is asexual...as in she NEVER thinks about or wants/needs sexual contact with me.  What is a guy to do?
 
December 2, 2005, 7:04 pm CST

Communication Levels.

Quote From: yamama187

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years...our sexual appetites could not be more different.  I, like most men, have a high libido, and I love my wife dearly, and want our sexual relationship to be as fun and exciting and intimate as all of the other aspects of our relationship. However, I simply cannot broach this subject with my wife without her becoming angry, insulting me (calling me a pervert, etc), and getting very, very defensive.  We have sex, on average, once a month (if that), and it is not passionate or exciting, it's simply the one time that my advances finally meet little resistance.  My wife has NEVER initiated sex with me.  We are young (29), active, healthy, attractive people...it makes no sense to me.  It's almost as if my wife is asexual...as in she NEVER thinks about or wants/needs sexual contact with me.  What is a guy to do?
Well first off have you ever talked to your wife about it? Cause men always tell women they don't know what they would want inless they speak up. Now my boyfriend is different he wants everything out in the open. I know some men find it difficult to be open and expressive to the one they love deeply. I know it is difficult for me to experience the fully open communication with my boyfriend. But I am learning on not being judged, or afraid of what I want or how I feel. Maybe you should try something romantic one night. Like maybe a candlelight dinner. And slowly express what you would like to communicate with her. Anything is worth a shot. Let me know what happens.
 
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