I have been married for almost 6 years now and I’m frustrated, depressed and feed up with my marriage and I just don’t know what else to do anymore. It seem no matter what I have tried to do, no matter how I’ve tried to explain myself to my wife, It never seem to matter or to last (she may change her ways, but in a week or month she right back to doing it again). I’m on the verge of giving up on our marriage which I have tried very hard not to. But I’m not happy inside, I feel my wife isn’t happy either, but I also feel she doesn’t want a divorce because it would mean she would have to get a job.
Anyway… Here is some background and why, I feel the way that I do…
I meet my wife several years ago on the internet. We long distance dated for about a year, when I decided to move here to her state and really date in person. At the time she was separated, from her ex like I was and we were both in the process is getting a divorce. She had two children with her ex and we were planning on having one together as she moved in with me later that year after our divorces were final. At the beginning of the next year we were married and had our son within days apart, and worshipped the ground she walked on. And this is where things fell apart..
The first night we were back from the hospital with our son, She told me she was going to sleep down stair so that our son wouldn’t wake me at night… I thought that was thoughtful and went to bed… Well… a few days turned into a few weeks and then months and then years. She refused to sleep with me after that, every once in a great while she would lay down with me at night until I fell asleep but that was about it… I would ask her to come to bed with me, and even begged her to.. but she refused to, At first she used the excuse of “I don’t want the baby to wake you” to later.. “This is my only time to myself, when everyone is asleep”. Nothing worked… I even tried sleeping on the hard concrete floor myself, but then I never got in real sleep. I would go to bed at night and wondering why doesn’t my newly wed wife want to sleep with me? What have I done? Did I do anything to offend her? Was I not loving enough? I still don’t know to this day the real reason.
Because of our sleep habits now, our sex life fell apart, It became a “quickie” here and there. But only when she was in the mood. If I tried to start something most of the time she would tell me no or she wasn’t in the mood. Or make up a million excuses. After years of this, I just stop trying. (even now)
During this time my wife also became very controlling over me. At first I wasn’t allowed to spend any money without her permission, later she just took my ATM card and Credit Cards away. Saying that I spent too much money, but the only money I was spending was buy gas for my car, and I did the shopping for our house hold. She “told” me that I didn’t need any friends, that her friends were my friends. She didn’t want to meet anyone I worked with, refused to go to the company Christmas parties, etc. Refused me to meet with my old school friends when we were on vacation in my home state. Told me not to deal with the kids, that was her job.
When we first got together, I offered to cook, mainly because I enjoy it, and I really do, But soon after that I ended up taking over more and more of the house work because if I didn’t do it.. It simply never got done.
Every time when we would fight she would threaten “divorce” every time when she didn’t get her way. I really didn’t want a divorce, so I would always back down.
In our 3rd year of marriage, in one of the many fight that we had, I told her that I no longer felt married, because you never sleep with me anymore, And sex, what is that? Heaven forbid that I have needs and wants and feelings.
Anyway, after that fight some things did change a little, She did start sleep with me, but our 3 year old son was in the middle of us now. And no matter how hard I tried to get her to put him in his own bed she refused to.. It was like she wanted him there, so that we wouldn’t do anything. This went on for another year until our son wanted to sleep in his own bed. Then she would bounce between the bed and the couch… A lot of the times she would fall asleep on the couch watching TV or a movie and I would wake her up to go to bed. But it was a real fight trying to get her to wake up enough to get to bed. Once she was in bed, she would complain that she is wake now and can’t sleep, So she would either watch TV in bed or get up and be up for the rest of the night and then want to sleep all day the next day.
By this point, I had to ask her for money for simple thing like gas for my car and lunch. When I did our weekly shopping at the store, She would give me her ATM card and expected the receipt and her card after I got back. I did most if not all of the house work and all of the yard work. I was forbidden to have any friends or to invite people over. Every time I suggested that we do something as a family, like go to the beach or go see a historical sight she would nix the idea. But she was free to run with her friend, go out gambling, and drinking. She would buy anything for herself and the kids.
Anyway, about this time last year I started getting feed up with everything. I felt like I was in prison, I had no rights, I couldn’t do anything. And nothing I did made her happy. So I started taking charge again, The first thing I did was get back my ATM card since I was the only one that worked anyway, I felt, I earned the money, I at least have some rights to spend some of it on what I want also. Our fight got worst because I wasn’t backing down now. She finally threaten “divorce” one too many times and I thought about it for a second and told her, I have tried everything that I can in our marriage to make you happy and nothing has worked. I guess divorce the only way to make you happy. You win. And then we started talking about what we would do in a divorce and started splitting up things, But after a while she realized that she would never see the kids again because she would have to work and then she asked if we could save our marriage. I told her that, I don’t know. There are many things that need to be fixed in our marriage before I would feel happy again. She agreed to try and for about a month things were better, but then slid back again. I was beside myself one weekend, and she asked what was wrong, And I told her you’re right back doing the same thing like before, I told her I wanted a divorce that she wasn’t really serious about her actions and stopped trying. She begged me to stay and I (stupid me) said I would, Then she wanted me to promise that I would never try to leave her, I told her I can’t make a promise like that.
After that point things really changed for the good for the first real time and even I could see it. But we have had several small set backs and now we’re almost back to the beginning again. She is now sleeping most of the time on the couch again. And what really floors me, She’ll “ask” me to ask her back to bed again when it her under her own free will is sleeping on the couch. When she does sleep with me she’ll sleep topless which is really unusual for her because she is so paranoid that the kids will catch her. Then she complains because I never try to start anything, I told her why, don’t you start something. In a lot of way, I’m half afraid to start something anymore that she will just push me away again, that she just isn’t in the mood or something else..
I feel like she only wants me when “she” wants something from me, And then I’m supposed to be good and not want anything else. I feel abused, and taken advantage of.. But I’m sorry, I’m human, I have human emotions (god forbid a guy with real emotions!), and I have wants and needs (more than just sex). I want respect, but I don’t feel I get any from wife or my kids. I’m just at my wits end and I keep coming up with the same question?
Do I stay for my son and his well being and being as good of a father to him or is my happiness more important?
If I stay how do I fix my marriage? And more important how to I regain the feeling of trust, passion and romance in my wife?
If I go, what do I do, I’m thousands of miles from my family and friends. I have no support, no place or anyone to go to. I’m here totally alone. I know if I was to leave it would take a while before I could.
All I want, if for my wife to be happy, for my family to be happy and myself.. Is that too much to ask for?
