Message Boards

Topic : Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

Number of Replies: 722
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:16:34 pm
Author : dataimport
Do you have sexual needs or desires that you're afraid to express? Share your story.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

November 7, 2008, 1:24 pm CST

Why doesn't he want to have sex with me??

Ok, I am throwing this out there.  I hate to express my sex life to the world and I am extremely emabarrassed by some of my business but I am only human and things happen and I am getting more and more confused and need some advice.  I met this guy (which was initially a one night stand).  We continued to sleep with eachother for a week or so everyday/night.  He explained to me that he didn't want a gf and I asked him a couple times why and he would just say because.  So, I figured that he probably had a bad past relationship and let it be and figured he just needed time.  I went to my dr for my annual and had them check me for everything since I had inquired a new sex partner.  Of course, I had something.  I informed him of what the dr had told me.  I really liked him and figured that I couldn't really get mad at him cause I was just as much guilty as him for allowing us to engage in sexual activities without protection.  We came home and we took our meds together and didn't have sex for 3 weeks(one week for the meds, one week for it to clear out and another week for a re-check.  We still continue to hang out but without sex and affection that I honestly enjoy.  I mean we barely do it once a week now maybe...if that.  I am a very sexual person, I am a very beautiful, independent, young 24 year old.  I have my own home, own vehicle, and a very successful job for 4 years now, and two beautiful children.  I recently lost 30 pounds and I am striving to work about 20 more pounds off, so I don't see what the problem is. I think he really likes me and from other peoples advice, they say the same.  I don't think he is using me but I am not sure.  I do cook everyday and do serve him...but I do that anyway and normally feed more people anyway on a daily basis.  He is just there the majority of the time and I don't mind it but I am starting to question what he wants with me cause it is wearing me down.  I wonder if he is out there getting it from someone else and if he is, I still cannot get mad at him cause he did tell me that he didn't want a committment.  I have sent him e-mails asking him what he wants to do...we are wasting eachothers time...we need to figure out something...I want to have sex and he'll either ignore somethings or just say that he doesn't want to or doesn't feel like it.  I mean, we see eachother almost every morning, lunch and every evening and it has been about almost 5 months now.  I really do like him and it is still early in the relationship/friendship.  My kids have grown attached to him especially my daughter(4) and my bestfriend's daughter(3), who come over as well on almost a daily basis and when they are gone, he is still there and I want affection.  Can I please get some advice?

 
November 7, 2008, 4:46 pm CST

Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

get autha 1 night stand?

if u think ur so beautiful, young n independent y get in2 a relationship? just hav fun 4 a while n try not 2 attach urself 2 ur flings cuz this is watll happen

n use protection

he probly has a gf or wife that might b y he duznt wanna go further with u

 
November 12, 2008, 1:02 pm CST

Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

Quote From: danamannix

HEY!!!
ok so i'm 18 and i was on the contraceptive pill for about 2 years and skipped my period for probly something like 18 months or so of that 2 years (is that bad?) then i decided 4 months ago to take a break from the chemicals so i stopped taking it for about 3 months.

During that 3 months my sex drive sky-rocketed and i NEEDED sex everyday or i'd get cranky lol (luckily i had a very understanding boyfriend lol) is that normal?

My bf is in the army and has 2 go away for months at a time and recently he has been on a bush course for almost a month now so i decided 2 go back on the pill because i dont think i would b able to handle no sex for that long without being on the pill, and my sex drive has gone back to non existent...

 

just wanting to know if all thats normal!

:D

 

Thnx

 

xoxo

Well not in those extremes, go to your dokter and ask for  different pill. There are lots of em out there and there is one who will be good for you but this one just isn't
 
November 13, 2008, 9:47 pm CST

Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

Quote From: redfeathers

First of all, not every guy out there wants sex every day. You have to understand that. If you actually believe that every other man aside from your husband really wants sex every day, you are mistaken. That's a big generalization and it isn't completely true. Some guys like having lots of sex, some prefer it in moderation. Every man's sex drive is different. You dilude yourself when you tell yourself that every other guy wants sex every day.

 

Second, we need more information on your situation. Why do you feel deprived? How often do you have sex? How often did you used to have sex? How often is he the instigator of sex? How often would you like to have it compared to how often you get it? What is your marriage like? Do you have children? If so, how much time do you spend with them compared to time with your husband? How often does he spend time with them?

 

There's a lot of things that you need to tell us before we can even begin to give you advice. There are a huge number of things being "sex deprived" can mean.

I'm a guy who is married to a woman that does not have the same sex drive that I do.

It would be safe to say that my sex drive is far greater than hers but to say that we men want it everyday, is not being realistic.

Talk to him. Let him know how you feel about this.

Spend time stimulating his mind, the body will follow.

 

 
November 16, 2008, 6:43 pm CST

My husband doesn't want me anymore

I recently had a baby boy, my fourth baby. I'm nearing 40 years old, and I've put on quite a bit of weight since my husband and I got together. I'm a size 16 now, and I'm trying hard to lose the weight. I'm not sure if this is the reason we don't have intimacy anymore, but I know that it has taken its toll on me. I feel so unwanted and unloved, and, quite frankly, angry. I feel I've devoted my whole life to a man who is turning his back on our relationship.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am deeply in love with my husband. I love everything about him, except this one thing: he doesn't want me. I feel that I will have to give up and divorce him. We're both teachers, and Summer time seems like a good time to break free and get a new start. I know that I'll continue to want him after he leaves, but I won't have the daily reminder of how I don't measure up to what he would find desirable.

 

He is a constant reminder that I'm just not good enough, that anyone else in his life would be better. He's told me that he is closer to his friend, (we'll call her Mary). He says he's more comfortable around her than he is with me. This comment, along with others, have driven me absolutely crazy.

 

I used to love life. I used to wake up in a great mood, smiling and being grateful for such a wonderful day, even when the weather is bad. I used to take things in stride, and now the least little things send me off the deep end. I'm irritated at almost everything, and it shows.

 

I've lost the old me, and I have no idea how to get her back. I was voted most optimistic teacher the year I met my husband. I can't even imagine being that person again.

 

I need to feel better, desperately need to. I have suicidal thoughts all the time, not tendencies, just thoughts. The only reasons I can't commit suicide are my four kids. How wonderful it would be, though, to finally be rid of this feeling. How easy it could be to cut myself from the world I'm in.

 

I am head-over-heels, miserably, in love with my husband. There is nothing I can do to make him want me. I'm lost in desperation and depression. Can't someone please help me? I can't take much more.

 
December 5, 2008, 1:20 pm CST

Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

Quote From: muthaluv4

I recently had a baby boy, my fourth baby. I'm nearing 40 years old, and I've put on quite a bit of weight since my husband and I got together. I'm a size 16 now, and I'm trying hard to lose the weight. I'm not sure if this is the reason we don't have intimacy anymore, but I know that it has taken its toll on me. I feel so unwanted and unloved, and, quite frankly, angry. I feel I've devoted my whole life to a man who is turning his back on our relationship.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am deeply in love with my husband. I love everything about him, except this one thing: he doesn't want me. I feel that I will have to give up and divorce him. We're both teachers, and Summer time seems like a good time to break free and get a new start. I know that I'll continue to want him after he leaves, but I won't have the daily reminder of how I don't measure up to what he would find desirable.

 

He is a constant reminder that I'm just not good enough, that anyone else in his life would be better. He's told me that he is closer to his friend, (we'll call her Mary). He says he's more comfortable around her than he is with me. This comment, along with others, have driven me absolutely crazy.

 

I used to love life. I used to wake up in a great mood, smiling and being grateful for such a wonderful day, even when the weather is bad. I used to take things in stride, and now the least little things send me off the deep end. I'm irritated at almost everything, and it shows.

 

I've lost the old me, and I have no idea how to get her back. I was voted most optimistic teacher the year I met my husband. I can't even imagine being that person again.

 

I need to feel better, desperately need to. I have suicidal thoughts all the time, not tendencies, just thoughts. The only reasons I can't commit suicide are my four kids. How wonderful it would be, though, to finally be rid of this feeling. How easy it could be to cut myself from the world I'm in.

 

I am head-over-heels, miserably, in love with my husband. There is nothing I can do to make him want me. I'm lost in desperation and depression. Can't someone please help me? I can't take much more.

 You said, "I recently had a baby boy..."

 

I am NOT a Doctor or a Therapist....but let me diagnose my 2 cents worth...

 

Firstly, you have post partum depression...get medical attention immediately.

They say not to make any major decissions about your life within 18 months of having a baby as your brain has not regained its pre-pregnancy size. You are impaired in your judgements.

 

Secondly, you are not crazy or imagining how you interpret your husbands feelings towards you. You are an intelligent and educated woman. Some men can not feel the same way towards their wives once they become mothers. There is something wrong with your husband and not you.

 

So the plan in place for you should be this, until you reach the 18 month mark after your son was born:

1. exercise and make you time...get in shape and get healthy

2. get individual councelling to talk about how it feels to have your husband reject you after you gave him his dearest wish - his family

3. have him trial separate from you...go to a bedroom basement...no sex ....but continue to co-parent

4. get marriage councelling, and ask him to go, but if he doesn't go yourself.

 

You may love him but he is emotionally and verbally abusive to you and you need to get help with that in councelling. You can do it on your own and find a man who will celebrate the woman who's body could create life...

 
December 6, 2008, 4:18 am CST

Don't allow one person's opinion....

Quote From: muthaluv4

I recently had a baby boy, my fourth baby. I'm nearing 40 years old, and I've put on quite a bit of weight since my husband and I got together. I'm a size 16 now, and I'm trying hard to lose the weight. I'm not sure if this is the reason we don't have intimacy anymore, but I know that it has taken its toll on me. I feel so unwanted and unloved, and, quite frankly, angry. I feel I've devoted my whole life to a man who is turning his back on our relationship.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am deeply in love with my husband. I love everything about him, except this one thing: he doesn't want me. I feel that I will have to give up and divorce him. We're both teachers, and Summer time seems like a good time to break free and get a new start. I know that I'll continue to want him after he leaves, but I won't have the daily reminder of how I don't measure up to what he would find desirable.

 

He is a constant reminder that I'm just not good enough, that anyone else in his life would be better. He's told me that he is closer to his friend, (we'll call her Mary). He says he's more comfortable around her than he is with me. This comment, along with others, have driven me absolutely crazy.

 

I used to love life. I used to wake up in a great mood, smiling and being grateful for such a wonderful day, even when the weather is bad. I used to take things in stride, and now the least little things send me off the deep end. I'm irritated at almost everything, and it shows.

 

I've lost the old me, and I have no idea how to get her back. I was voted most optimistic teacher the year I met my husband. I can't even imagine being that person again.

 

I need to feel better, desperately need to. I have suicidal thoughts all the time, not tendencies, just thoughts. The only reasons I can't commit suicide are my four kids. How wonderful it would be, though, to finally be rid of this feeling. How easy it could be to cut myself from the world I'm in.

 

I am head-over-heels, miserably, in love with my husband. There is nothing I can do to make him want me. I'm lost in desperation and depression. Can't someone please help me? I can't take much more.

Of you dictate how you are going to feel about yourself! Unless you want to let it.

 

Gaining weight during pregnancy is normal and healthy. Now get to the gym and work on it or you will be spending the rest of your life blaming your unhappiness on childbearing! Also, the more you feel confident with yourself, you will see your husbands, or anyones opinion really does not matter one hoot....its what you think about yourself, how you feel, what you feel you can contribute to life, not what one person may be feeling towards you right now in this moment in time.

 

I agree with the other poster. His letting you know he gets along better with another woman is emotional abuse and it was wrong, wrong, wrong. Instead, he should have said, I want to have what we used to have, or now, lets work on something even better then what we had, it would be expressing his discontent but optimistic of wanting to find a solution with you.......but he has found it outside of the relationship. Another sign he does not care how you feel. Emotional abuse.

 

I would start thinking financially how you will be if you left him and get those ducks lined up. When you feel confident that you can take care of yourself and your kids, then start making moves to eitehr leave or work on the realtionship. Also I agree chemically, your body has gone through hormonal hell....be gentle, my friend. You are only human, remember??????

 

Give things time. But work with the time you have productively.

 
December 12, 2008, 9:02 am CST

Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

Quote From: petperks

 You said, "I recently had a baby boy..."

 

I am NOT a Doctor or a Therapist....but let me diagnose my 2 cents worth...

 

Firstly, you have post partum depression...get medical attention immediately.

They say not to make any major decissions about your life within 18 months of having a baby as your brain has not regained its pre-pregnancy size. You are impaired in your judgements.

 

Secondly, you are not crazy or imagining how you interpret your husbands feelings towards you. You are an intelligent and educated woman. Some men can not feel the same way towards their wives once they become mothers. There is something wrong with your husband and not you.

 

So the plan in place for you should be this, until you reach the 18 month mark after your son was born:

1. exercise and make you time...get in shape and get healthy

2. get individual councelling to talk about how it feels to have your husband reject you after you gave him his dearest wish - his family

3. have him trial separate from you...go to a bedroom basement...no sex ....but continue to co-parent

4. get marriage councelling, and ask him to go, but if he doesn't go yourself.

 

You may love him but he is emotionally and verbally abusive to you and you need to get help with that in councelling. You can do it on your own and find a man who will celebrate the woman who's body could create life...

good advice
 
January 5, 2009, 3:49 am CST

agree

Quote From: nataliea86

 Thanks for you advice. It is just so hard for me to ask him... I think it is the feeling that I don't want to make him feel like he is doing something wrong or NOT doing enough. I guess I don't want to hurt his ego.

But I am at the point where I resent him a lot as I am giving him oral sex. In my mind I am thinking "Wow, here's your third time this week, and when will I get even my third time in a year and a half?!?"

I think that he maybe just doens't like it in general. From my understanding, before he and I met, he was sexual active with a lot of women. It upets me, but he has had A LOT of partners at least 6 times the number of partners I've had... yet he has only givien two of his partners oral sex (including me)... and the other woman was a long term relationship as well. So maybe he really doen't like it.

I think it bothers me most remembering when he used to give me oral sex at the begining of our relationship... so I know he CAN do it. And I haven't changed down there at all... I've even improved on something  that he  requested ( shaving down there). I did that fo rhim because he likes it, but I'm still not getting any action!
I will try what you told me to do though.... try to playfully ease into the subject.. That might work... the last thing I want is to make him feel bad.... but I'm very bothered by this situation (as I'm sure a lot of people would be)!

Thanks,
Nat

Hi Nat

 

I'm in exactly the same position as you are.  Im 26 and I've known my husband for 4 years, which we were

married for 2 years.  I've never had a orgasm before and he just doesn't give me oral sex at all.

He wants it all the time.  Sex is like a habit to me and i dont enjoy it at all.  theres no new positions etc. Im always on top and its like 5 minutes and everything is over and done with.  im always very higienic and try to please him in every single way possible.  im tired of talking to him, because he does nothing about it.  nothing works, not even helping him into it.  i feel like it is wam bam thank you mam.  i love him so much, and in my heart i think marriage is not just about sex, but all my friends say its a big issue thats just gonna become bigger.  they say that sex is a sensitive subject for men because of the ego, but what must we do?  we cant take sex away from them, then theyll just go look for it somewhere else.  and i dont want him to cheate on me.  so what now............................????

 
February 2, 2009, 11:58 am CST

sex positions

My BF is quite short (in the penile area), and I'm looking for some good sex positions for us to try.

 
First | Prev | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | Next | Last